The SEAL's Christmas Baby

by Katie Knight

  “Yeah. It was.” She kept her head down so he wouldn’t see her blinking hard to stave off the tears. “Have a nice rest of your vacation.”

  “Thanks.” He backed away, grabbing his coat from the back of the sofa. “I’ll just show myself out then. Bye, Parker.”

  “Bye,” the little boy called from where he was coloring in the living room.

  Lila waited until she heard the front door close behind him and saw him striding back to his cabin. She walked from the kitchen to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar, then finally broke down and cried—for all she’d lost and for all that would never be again.

  Nine

  Preston went back to his cabin, his emotions churning worse than a cement mixer.

  He’d thought seeing the boy, meeting him, would get the yearning feeling out of his system, but it hadn’t. In fact, it only made him want to spend more time with his son, which wasn’t an option at all. He stopped in the middle of pacing his kitchen for the umpteenth time and just took that in for a minute.

  My son.

  Wow. He still hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the fact that he was a dad. Then again, was he really a father if he’d had no contact with the boy or with Lila in almost three years? The thought made him feel even more like an ass than he already did. When his CO had made him that offer of a new life way back when, he’d thought he’d made the right choice. He’d figured Lila was better off without him, figured he had nothing to lose by walking away from everything he’d been back then.

  But now…

  God, what a mess. Part of him wanted to run to Lila’s place and beg her to allow him back into her life, into their son’s life. But the other part of him knew that doing so would only hurt her more once his CO got back to him with new orders.

  If his CO got back to him…

  Restless, he grabbed his phone off the counter and checked the screen for what felt like the billionth time, only to find the same empty screen staring back at him. Shit. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything to James about the kid. Maybe he should’ve just stayed away from Lila and their son altogether. Lord knew it would’ve been safer that way. If the mole he was tracking ever found out he had a family, even an estranged one, they’d sure as hell use that against him.

  Dammit. Maybe James hadn’t called him back yet because they were going to pull him off the mission and cut him loose. And what the hell would Preston do then? He’d give up everything for this job. He had no life, no roots, no nothing without his mission.

  Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he strode back out to his living room and flopped down on the sofa. Tying himself in knots wasn’t helping anything. From his years of strategizing for the military, he knew trying to make plans without all the facts was a dangerous business and right now he only had half the intel. It was pointless to get riled up before he had the whole picture.

  Considering he’d slept like crap the night before, unable to get Lila and Parker off his mind, a nap might help clear his head. He laid down then covered his eyes with his arm but sleep still evaded him. Images of her kept flashing in his mind—Lila dancing in the rain, Lila curled up next to him in bed, Lila standing in the snow the day before with shocked, haunted blue eyes.

  Man. He’d walked away three years ago because he knew he’d never be able to give her the kind of relationship she deserved, not as a SEAL—away for months at a time, unable to tell her about his classified missions when he was home. Secrets weren’t good in relationships. He’d seen that first hand with some of his SEAL team mates, how the stress had strained their families to the breaking point. After everything Lila had been through losing her parents and her brother, the last thing he wanted to do was put her through that again.

  He shifted onto his side and closed his eyes again, this time seeing his son’s face, that little toothy grin of his as he’d eaten breakfast earlier. Preston’s heart yearned to know the little boy better, to be a part of his life, to see him as he grew up and teach him all the stuff dads should teach their sons—like how to fish and swim and be tough when it was warranted and soft when it wasn’t, and how to treat women with respect.

  But would it really be fair to push his way back into their lives again when he could be on the next plane out of California by tonight? No. No, it wasn’t.

  Shit. Just shit.

  Preston slammed his fist into the couch cushion. One thing was certain. Lying there wasn’t helping anything. With a sigh, he sat up and stared out the window across from him. Across the yard between cabins, he saw Lila and Parker emerging from their cabin. Both were bundled up and Lila had what looked like a plastic sled in one hand. She pointed to a clearing across the way that had a small hill at the centre of it. Several other families were already there, enjoying the day.

  Sledding. They were going sledding.

  He had a few, faint memories of doing that with his dad when he’d been a kid.

  The yearning inside him grew stronger, to the point he could no longer deny the fact that while he was here, he wanted to see as much of Lila and Parker as he could, even if she didn’t want to see him.

  Decision made, he pulled on his boots and coat again then grabbed his phone and shoved it in his pocket. If James called, Preston could talk to him just as well outside as in, he figured. Then he pulled on a knit hat and gloves and headed over to the busy play area.

  Lila didn’t seem to see him at first as he trudged up the small hill toward where they stood at the summit, but once she turned around and spotted him, her expression shifted from friendly to wary immediately.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked him again. That seemed to be the question of the day where he was concerned. For good reason, he supposed. “I thought you’d be gone by now.”

  “Still waiting for a phone call,” he said, squinting slightly in the hazy grey sunshine of what was turning out to be an overcast day. The breeze had died down though, so the temps felt a tad warmer. He looked down to where Parker was staring up at him with that same adorable grin again. “Hey, Parker. How are you doing?”

  “We’re going sledding,” the little boy said, the “d’s” coming out a bit slurred because of his missing teeth in the front. “Wanna come?”

  “Oh, I’m sure he’s too busy,” Lila said, giving Preston a warning look. “He’s got important stuff to do.”

  “Actually, I’ve got some free time right now,” Preston replied, ignoring her glare. “I’d love to sled with you guys.”

  “Yay!” Parker clapped then toddled off to the starting line. “C’mon, Mom!”

  Preston felt the sting of Lila’s annoyed stare on his face and bit back a smile. He’d forgotten just how expressive her pretty blue eyes could be. Whatever she was feeling was right there in her gaze. No poker face for her. It was one of the things he loved most about her.

  That thought stopped him short.

  No. Not love. He didn’t do love.

  And yet, the warmth inside him at being here, with her and Parker, continued to spread like warm honey through his limbs, bringing him back to life again. Like the last few years hadn’t happened, like he could be a normal, loving, gentle guy again.

  Lila stepped closer, her voice low as she poked an angry finger into his chest. “You listen to me, mister. You break his heart or hurt him in any way, you’ll answer to me. You think terrorists are scary? Wait until you get a load of me. I will skin you alive and leave your guts for the bears, understand?”

  Preston gave a serious nod, his admiration for the strong woman growing by leaps and bounds. “I promise. I won’t do anything to hurt either one of you. I’d just like to enjoy what time we have together while it lasts. Is that okay?”

  She stared at him for what seemed like a small eternity then finally turned away. “Fine. But watch yourself.”

  I’d rather watch you, he thought before he could stop himself. Nope. Definitely not appropriate…even if it was true.

  He joined Lila and Parker at the summit an
d watched as they put the plastic sled down and she got their son situated on the front of it. “Looks like you’ve got experience doing this,” he said.

  “We’ve been coming over here every day for the last week,” she said, not looking up at him. “Best get out of the way if you don’t want to get run over.”

  “No,” Parker said when his mom tried to climb on behind him. “I want Daddy!”

  Time seemed to slow around Preston as he blinked down at the kid. Lila’s face had gone white as a sheet too, except for those two splotches of red on her cheeks. It wasn’t like he’d ever asked the kid to call him daddy, but he had a feeling he’d be getting blamed for this anyway. Of course it didn’t help that the couples around them had noticed either.

  “Your son’s adorable,” one woman said to Preston. “He looks just like you!”

  “Thanks,” he mumbled, avoiding Lila’s angry stare.

  Ignoring her son’s protests, she climbed on the back of the sled behind him, then shot Preston another death glare. “Don’t read anything into it. He calls every man he meets Daddy.”

  With that, she shoved off and they went sailing down the hill, leaving Preston behind in their snowy dust. He stood at the top of the hill, watching her blonde hair flying out behind her from beneath her pink fuzzy hat and hearing Parker’s delighted squeals of joy, and wondered how in the world he’d ever leave all this behind, even as he knew soon he would have to.

  Ten

  That night, Lila and Parker sat in the restaurant at the main lodge, enjoying the special dinner with Santa festivities for the guests. After all the exercise they’d gotten this morning sledding, she’d expected to be exhausted, but instead she still buzzed with nervous energy, all thanks to Preston.

  She still couldn’t believe he’d shown up on the hill. She’d figured after the way they’d left things at breakfast she wouldn’t see him again. But no. He was like a bad rash, difficult to cure and showing up at the most inconvenient times. A handsome, endearing, exasperating rash.

  “Finish your green beans, then you can go play with the other kids while we wait for your turn with Santa,” she said, pointing the small pile of veggies on her son’s plate. He’d actually eaten really well tonight, having built a good appetite today. The food served was all kid-friendly too—chicken fingers, juice, warm homemade biscuits with honey. Everything met with her son’s approval except for the dreaded beans. They were Parker’s kryptonite it seemed, but at least he hadn’t hurled them across the room yet. “Please, just one bean, buddy.”

  “You should definitely eat your veggies,” a familiar male voice said from behind her and her skin prickled with awareness. Preston. “Don’t you want to grow up to be big and strong?”

  “Like you?” Parker said, flashing that grin of his again. The one that had been exclusively hers up until now. Not that Lila was jealous, but damn. Seemed all Preston had to do was show up and the world was brighter. At least for her anyway. Not that she’d ever let him know that. He didn’t deserve to be her sunshine.

  She almost asked him what he was doing here again, but that question was getting old. Instead, she relied on her favourite fall-back: snark. “You’re in the wrong place. The Grinch convention is the next room over.”

  “Ouch.” He moved around their small table to ruffle Parker’s hair, much to her son’s delight. “And we Grinches aren’t all that bad. He got redeemed in the end, remember?”

  “Sure. After he stole and lied and cheated his way through a whole village of unsuspecting people.” She kept her tone light, so Parker wouldn’t know they were fighting. “And if you think you can get Parker to eat a green bean, good luck.”

  Preston raised a dark brow at her, then took a seat beside Parker. “I always did love a challenge. So, kiddo, what’s with the veggie hate?” He gave Lila a side glance before continuing. “Green beans are kind of a super food, you know. All the best heroes eat them. The beans give them strength and power. Don’t you want that too?”

  Parker nodded, his expression rapt. “Yeah. Wanna be like you.”

  Lila’s heart pinched at that. That lady earlier had been right. Her son did look just like his daddy. And the two of them together was almost sweeter than she could stand. But she had to keep reminding herself that this wasn’t real. That Preston wasn’t staying. That as soon as his orders came through he’d be gone, and she and Parker would be on their own again.

  “Well,” Preston said, his voice a bit rough before he cleared his throat. If she didn’t know any better, she’d think he was getting all choked up over being with his son. Truth be told, she was getting a little choked up herself. “I’d think you’d want to be like your mommy. She’s the strongest woman I know. Smartest, too.”

  And just when she thought her poor heart couldn’t take anymore, he went in for the kill.

  “If you want to be a real superhero, be like her. And she always eats her green beans. We both do.” To prove his point, Preston picked up a bean from Parker’s plate with his fingers and ate it. “Yummy.”

  Preston looked over at Lila and winked. She took the hint and reached over to grab a bean herself then shoved it in her mouth. “So, so good.”

  Parker looked between the two of them then down at his plate. Finally, he picked up a green bean and shoved it in his mouth. “Yummy.”

  “See, I told you,” Preston said, ruffling the kid’s hair again. “Now finish those up so you can go talk to Santa.”

  Within five minutes, all the beans were gone, and Parker was over playing with his new friends near the Santa display. If Lila hadn’t seen it with her own eyes, she wouldn’t have believed it.

  Never one to withhold credit where it was due, she sat back as the waiter came to clear their plates. “I have to admit, you are a miracle worker. Never thought I’d see Parker eat a green bean willingly, let alone a whole pile of them.”

  “I have my talents,” Preston said, leaning forward to rest his forearms on the table once the server had left. “Not many of them, but they’re there.”

  “Hmm.” Being alone with him again was a bit awkward, especially after the way she’d blown him off at the sledding hill earlier. She sipped her coffee and watched Parker playing.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude,” he said, starting to get up. “I should go.”

  “No,” she found herself saying before she could stop herself. “Sit. Stay. It’s fine. We’re both adults. We should be able to have a civil conversation. Besides, it’s nice to have someone to talk to who can speak in more than three-word sentences.”

  Preston snorted. “Right.” He watched Parker too before finally turning to her. “Listen, Lila. I’ve been thinking about this all day and I’d really like to be involved in Parker’s life for as long as I have here, if that’s all right.”

  She set her cup down and exhaled slowly. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I meant what I said earlier. I don’t want Parker hurt. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love and I never want him to go through that if I can help it.”

  At her reminders of her past, Preston winced. “I know. And it’s not my intention to hurt him, I swear. But don’t you think he deserves to know his father, even if it’s just for a short time? I know I wish I could’ve known my father better. He died when I was young.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, then swallowed hard. “How long are you going to be around for though, Preston? Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still here. You made it sound like you were on the next plane out of town, so to speak.”

  “I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his messy dark curls, the same ones her son had. He looked as distraught as she felt. “I still haven’t heard back from my CO. Until he calls me, it’s all up in the air. Look, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. To run into you and Parker. But now that I have, I don’t want to walk away again. Not yet anyway. Before I came here, my job was everything. Now, I’m seeing all that I’ve missed out on. What I’ll miss again after I’m gone. I just
want to spend time with you, get to know Parker, learn about some of the things I’ve missed over the past three years.”

  The earnest tone was what finally broke down her barriers a bit. She’d loved Preston once, still did in her heart. They might not ever get back what they’d once had, but perhaps they could build something new over the holidays. Something that was real, even if it was temporary. If nothing else, she could at least catch him up on some of the things that had happened to her and Parker.

  “My pregnancy was difficult. My blood pressure was high and they ended up inducing labour early to make sure Parker was safe. Then he was born with a hernia and they had to perform surgery right after he was born to fix it. It was all super stressful and super expensive.” She sighed and toyed with her coffee cup. “I had to borrow money to cover all the bills. I didn’t want to, but my wages from the restaurant only covered so much and I couldn’t work for a while because of the pre-eclampsia before delivery and then Parker’s surgery afterward, so…”

  “I’m sorry.” Preston started to reach for her hand, then stopped when she pulled away. Getting all this out was hard enough. If he touched her again now, she might lose it, and Lila wanted to keep it together. He sat back and clasped his hands in his lap. “Go on.”

  “Anyway, I had to count every penny. So, I borrowed the money to help cover my expenses. I went back to work as soon as I could. My roommates and some of my co-workers at the restaurant would take turns watching Parker while I waitressed. It was slow going, but I was paying things off as quickly as I could. Then an uncle of mine died and left me his house. We weren’t close, so it came as a total shock. What was even more shocking was how much the property sold for. Way more than enough to pay off my loan and leave enough leftover so I could quit the restaurant and take some time off to figure out what to do next. I can even go to college, if I decide that’s what I want.”