The Au Naturel Girls

by Bawdy Bloke

  “He hit my car and did loads of damage,” the girl shrieked. “He called me all sorts of names. Horrible names.”

  “No wonder he didn't want to move in,” Natalie said behind him. “Bloody racist in our house.”

  “I am not a racist,” Adam said quickly and rubbed his hands. “I ...”

  “You watched your friend walk out in the road and then attack my car while you sat back and cheered him on,” the girl said firmly. “You encouraged him do a racist attack.”

  “Accessory,” Tabitha chimed.

  “I didn't and …” Adam started. “We didn't know he was going to do that. And you did try to kill him.”

  “He walked out into the road,” she shouted. “He was lucky I didn't kill 'im.”

  “Bollocks,” Adam cried. “You messed up and nearly hit him. He was a bit angry, probably said some things he shouldn't have. But you were being a shit driver 'cause ya a ...”

  “A what?” Tabitha asked forcefully. “So she's a shit driver. Is it 'cause she is black, she is a shit driver. Or because she is a woman?”

  Adam shrugged, “she nearly killed a good friend of mine by her not paying attention to the road. Carl was out of order, but so were you.”

  The girl gasped and Adam felt his pockets; he had left his mobile phone somewhere. He saw it on top of his newspaper on the dining room table and strode in to get it as it vibrated.

  “Arranging to go to the next BNP meeting?” Tabitha asked and Adam swore, grabbing the phone and pushing past her towards the front door.

  With a snarl, Natalie picked up Adam's discarded newspaper and threw it into the bin. “Fucking twat,” she muttered in annoyance as Adam slammed the front door.

  He had been a resident for all of 24 hours and already he was feeling annoyed and angry. Why did the Sarah girl have to “go ballistic” at him in the morning; it was hardly as though she was going to be there all day to smell the remnants of his curry, and he was going to clear up before going to work even before she said anything.

  Sarah hadn't accepted that it was the way he liked to keep his house clean and tidy. He would always clean up before going to work, and in the four years he had rented from Sarah's dad he had never had to speak to him about his rented property being in an inappropriate state; why couldn't Sarah understand that?

  As for Tabitha accusing him of being a racist; well that was well out of order. He was in charge of two ethnic minorities at work and he never had any problems with them. Of course, Carl was a bit of a lad and he did have a small issue with certain sections of society, but that was just Carl. Tabitha didn't know him.

  Natalie's problem with him was his newspaper – why should she object to the Daily Express? Sure, it might not have been her favourite paper, but it was hardly along the lines of the Daily Sport that was littered with nudity.

  Adam tutted to himself; their problem with him was purely because he was a man and they just didn't want him around. He idly kicked at a pebble and watched as it bounced along the pavement and then made a satisfying ping on a lamp-post.

  In true Beckham style, Adam looked up and brought his hand out in front of him, jumped onto his left foot, while his right swung around in an elaborate arc and struck the pebble to watch it fly off down the road, bounce once and hit a parked taxi.

  Adam smiled briefly but then on seeing the taxi driver get out of his car, ran down a path to his left going into a house estate. He heard the Asian voice shouting at him and Adam sprinted down the alleyway, turned left and ran up the hill.

  He didn't stop running for a couple of minutes and then looked up; it was at the end of the road where James lived and shrugged, looking back. He had no desire to see the girls any time soon and crossed the road to knock on his friend's door.

  Teri answered with a raised eyebrow. “He's feeding the baby,” she said the moment she saw him. “And don't go dragging him off to the pub.”

  Adam raised a smile. “I won't Teri. How are you?”

  Teri looked behind her and stroked her long golden hair back, whispering. “Fine. He's been in a row at work. Told his manager to 'do one' so he's got a disciplinary on Monday. If he loses that job, we're fucked.”

  Adam wiped his nose and lowered his voice. “But she's been on at him, right? I mean, he's had loads of trouble with her.”

  “Yeah, I know. But she's the manager. I fuckin' told him to button it. When I was at the tailors, I 'ated my boss, but just had to do what he said. Except wear short skirts, no kickers, he was taking the piss there.” Adam smirked at Teri's familiar tale.

  “Love,” a voice called. “Close the door, you're letting the heat out. I ain't payin' to heat the fuckin' street.”

  Teri opened the door and allowed Adam into the hallway and he padded down the sparsely decorated room and turned into the lounge. “Hiya mate.”

  James smiled, his baby asleep on his paunch and he nodded towards the spare mismatched chair in his living room. “Whatcha doing here?” James asked. “The birds chucked ya out.”

  “They are doing my fuckin' head in,” Adam ranted and Teri appeared in the doorway behind him. “Moanin' about a few lager cans and some takeaway, my newspaper. And that bird who nearly ran Carl over, she appeared in the flat as a friend of one of them and starts givin' me earache.”

  James grinned. “Well you will live with 'em. Nuttin' but trouble birds, ain't that right love.”

  Teri crossed her arms and looked at Adam. “I think you should make an effort to get on,” she told him. “You can't always choose all the people you have to spend time with – colleagues, housemates, managers.” She looked at her husband who scowled at her.

  “You know she's been a right unreasonable cow to me.”

  “She's your manager, you dumb ass,” Teri spat back and turned to Adam, ignoring the protestations of her husband. “”What's 'appened?”

  “Oh, I left a takeaway box in the lounge and a couple of cans,” he told her with a straight face. “And one of them kicked off at me this morning, even though I always clean me house 'fore I go to work. And one of their friends had a set-to with Carl last week and I'm getting the blame for it.”

  Teri rubbed her nose and glanced at her husband. “Go easy on them. You need to live by their rules 'cause ya movin' into their house. So be nice to them, and make up. You gotta live with 'em for months, you'll be grateful you made the effort.” Adam snorted and Teri sat down on another chair. “Make a big gesture. Ya gotta live with 'em. Ya want aggro for six months?”

  “Hell no,” Adam replied and rubbed his hands through his hair.

  * * * * *

  Adam looked around the supermarket shelves for inspiration; he had finished at lunchtime on the Friday as the machine was still not fixed and his workforce could do little more until a new part arrived from Germany on Monday.

  The owner was annoyed but not overly worried – Friday was never the most productive day of the working week and Adam gleefully left the small factory to walk down to the Supermarket on the city ring road.

  Teri had nagged at him all that evening and she was right, of sorts. He did need to get on with the girls while he lived there and her suggestion of cooking them a nice meal was a good one. He thought about looking in the cupboards to see what they ate but decided that the best thing was to cook a slap-up roast dinner; everyone liked roasted beef or lamb.

  He picked up a suitably sized joint of beef along with a bag of potatoes, carrots, sweetcorn, frozen Yorkshire puddings and a giant cheesecake. He added a large bottle of wine and spent just under twenty pounds for his “getting to know the girls” meal.

  He looked at his basket and wondered whether he should worry about a starter, such as a prawn cocktail but decided against it; he didn't need to do a posh meal, just make an effort.

  The potatoes were cut up into randomly sized chunks and went into the oven on a baking tray the moment he arrived in the house and then he took advantage of the absence of his house mates to load up his games console to shoot
some terrorists. He was so preoccupied, Adam forgot to put the beef in, until he glanced at the clock, swore and ran into the kitchen to throw the joint into the oven.

  Tabitha was the first to arrive and looked at Adam suspiciously as he stopped her going into the kitchen. “Just a small surprise,” he told her and shut the door.

  “But I want a drink?”

  “Tea, Coffee, Juice or Water?” Adam said with a cheeriness in his voice and Tabitha screwed up her face.

  “What's got into you?”

  “Nuttin'” Adam squeaked. “I am just being nice. Go put your feet up, what do ya want?”

  “Tea,” Tabitha replied tersely and Adam returned from the kitchen with a cup of tea and a biscuit.

  He threw the sweetcorn and carrots into boiling water as Sarah came through the door and Natalie was not far behind her, looking stressed. “It's a surprise,” he called and the two girls rolled their eyes.

  “I bet it's burgers,” Natalie whispered.

  “Better not be,” Sarah whispered back and Adam scowled.

  “It is not burgers. Do you want to come to the dining room?” Natalie giggled as she did and retrieved knives and forks from the drawer along with place mats.

  Adam arrived with the wine and four wine glasses being held by their stems and put them down on the table. Tabitha sighed. “I am pregnant.”

  “Yes I know,” Adam replied as he poured the drink.

  “Well I can't drink. I told you that on Wednesday.”

  “You were serious?” Adam asked in a surprised voice. “Not even at the weekend.”

  “No,” Sarah replied for her house mate. “Tab doesn't drink. She is pregnant.”

  Adam sighed and poured the white wine into three of the glasses before returning to the kitchen. His beef was very red in the middle but he liked it half-raw and sliced it so the girls got the meat cooked, or slightly pink.

  The potatoes had been in for a few minutes too long, but Adam didn't mind and put the boiled carrots, sweetcorn and Yorkshire puddings on the plate and carried them in to the room.

  Tabitha looked at Sarah. “I'm vegetarian,” she told Adam as he sat down and pushed the meat to the side of her plate.

  “You're what?” Adam cried out in incredulity.

  Tabitha sighed and wiped her face. “I am a vegetarian. I don't eat meat. Is that a problem?”

  “Why?” Adam asked with a screwed up face.

  “Because it's healthier,” Tabitha told him and Adam snorted.

  “I am as well,” Sarah muttered and looked apologetically at Adam. “Sorry, well, you didn't ask. Didn't you think the lack of meat in the fridge was a giveaway?”

  “Adam sniffed. “Well no, why would I think that? What … I mean why would I think that? Why would I imagine you might be vegetarian?”

  Tabitha sighed. “Because it's wrong to eat animals,” she told him.

  “Boll-locks,” Adam cried and wiped his hands over his eyes. “If animals weren't meant to be eaten then why are they made of meat?” He smiled at Sarah and Tabitha who shook their heads.

  “But the vegetables are very nice,” Sarah added.

  Tabitha pushed her plate away and looked at him. “All the meat juices have gone everywhere. I can't eat this.”

  “Well don't then,” Adam snapped in a quiet voice and Tabitha got up from the table.

  “Don't be so rude,” she said. “If you had asked I would have told you.”

  Adam took a deep breath and shook his head. “Just my luck to be living with some veggies who don't tell me. D'ya not think it might've been a good idea to fuckin' mention it.”

  Sarah jumped up and went to speak but Natalie raised her hand as the two girls left the room to mutterings of discontent. “We didn't know you'd be planning this.” She smiled at him and licked her lips as some juices ran down her chin. “It is well cooked, and it beats cooking in the evening to have it all done for you. Thank you. It is appreciated.”

  “Your friends don't think that,” he muttered. “Ya know, I was told to try and make an effort, so I do and they throw it back in my face. Well fuck 'em.”

  Natalie put her knife and fork down and looked across to the exasperated man. “It's hard for all of us, ya know. We certainly wouldn't have chosen to live with you and you wouldn't have chosen us. But we have to so let's try and get through the next few months without killing each other, eh?”

  Adam put a piece of blood red beef into his mouth and sighed. “They need to stop being bitches. D'ya reckon they're on the blob,” he asked and Natalie launched an overcooked roast potato towards him.

  “No,” she cried and pointed her knife towards him. Adam muttered an apology and Natalie shook her head. “And how is Tabitha going to have periods, eh?”

  Chapter V

  “I want him out,” Tabitha told Sarah with crossed arms. “He is just simply not appropriate to live with us.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Sarah snapped and then apologised as she shook her head. “I'm sorry, I know. I tried talking to my Dad. Told him, Adam living with us was as appropriate as bacon sandwiches at the Middle East peace talks but he just said we will have to make do.”

  Tabitha sighed. “But he is a racist. And he is so intolerant. And I daren't tell him our secret, can you imagine what the response would be if he found out?”

  Natalie sighed and looked across. “I agree. He is a fuckin' nightmare. We can't be ourselves with him around; he has to grow up or go.”

  “Yeah. Preaching to the converted,” she told them. “But we can't make him go. He won't go and Dad has no interest in making him go.”

  “We could all try and make him uncomfortable,” Tabitha suggested. “Or making this a beer-free zone.”

  “He has a right to eat his takeaways or drink his beer in the house. As long as he tidies up after himself,” Natalie told them. “We can't stop him doing that.”

  “Yeah I know,” Sarah muttered. “But I just want him out really. He's just so … male.”

  Natalie shrugged and put her head back on the mismatched chair. “Be honest, the male gender has done little to endear themselves to either of us recently,” she admitted. “Except maybe Tab who hasn't had too much of a problem getting friendly.” Sarah and Tabitha looked at each other and chuckled.

  “Nah, but 'e's just the worst kind of guy. He is just so house-untrained,” Sarah replied. “He ain't a geek who is shit scared of girls. He fancies 'imself. An intolerant fuckwit.”

  “Ok, so we gonna do?”

  Sarah sighed. “I gotta talk to Dad again. He can't stay 'ere. It ain't on and wonder if we can get someone to fill in.”

  “There gotta be some nudists who 'ave to live with textiles,” Natalie muttered. “Not everyone can live like us, or Jack and friends. There got to be someone.”

  Tabitha looked at Sarah and nodded. “Long as dey don't mind,” she said in her ethnic drawl. “'bout baby when she comes.”

  Sarah rubbed her nose and stretched out. “So where is the little runt?”

  “Workin'. Wiv his Dad,” Natalie muttered. “He's in later.”

  Sarah nodded and bit her lip. “I'll talk to Dad, see what he can do.”

  “And if he says no?” Tabitha asked and Natalie grinned.

  “If he says no then I say we just start to live our life. There's three of us, one of him.”

  Sarah nodded. “Ya ain't gonna make him house trained.”

  “Or not a racist,” Tabitha added.

  “Or not a chauvinistic, sexist pig.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Natalie said with a shrug. “I know this but if he has to stay then we need to offer an olive branch.”

  Sarah sighed. “I'll go see me Dad. I'll do my best on him. He might budge,” she said hopefully. “He might be pig-headed or he might be reasonable. Let's hope.”

  * * * * *

  The stocky frame of Adam's father shouted across the small garage at him as he walked through the open doors and passed a car on the ramps. “All right Adam, how ya doing
?”

  Adam grunted and wiped his eyes. “Tired,” he replied with a sleepy look and retrieved a set of grubby navy blue overalls from the wall. “Was nicely in the land of nod.”

  “Yeah well, that Troy. He wants ditching, I just haven't got 'round to doing it but every week he has a day off for one reason or t'other. It's not on. Reckon he was out last night on the piss.”

  “Well it was Friday night.” Adam gave a theatrical yawn and stretched. “So where do you want me?”

  Adam heard a shout from behind him and spun around to see his father's long-standing assistant bellowing. “Hey, Diane wants to know. Tea or Coffee?”

  “Alright Danny. Tea. Black. No sugar,” Adam called back and then asked his father about Diane.

  “Ahh, lovely little eighteen year old. I ditched the Paki girl as she had 'er hand in the till. Can't trust 'em.”

  “Shit Dad. What did the Police say?”

  “Don't get me started on the effing cops. Useless bunch of … whatever. But you might remember Diane. Ivy's friend from Guides or whatever it was.”

  “No I don't,” Adam muttered and looked up to see a stick-thin girl totter down the steps to the garage holding a tray of drinks, dressed in white top that was accentuating her figure and a short tartan skirt. “Not been here long?” Adam asked under his breath and his father smiled.

  “No. Third day. But she is good with the customers.”

  “How long before she is changing the oil on a motor?”

  Stuart Hodson laughed heartily as he watched the girl approach them shaking her long, blonde hair back. “I have left the biscuits in there as you ain't washed your hands,” she told them quietly and looked at the young man watching her. “You must be Adam, right?”

  “Yeah,” he squeaked and took his drink from the tray. He watched closely as she backed away with the empty tray and her rear swung seductively as she walked. “She's nice.”

  “Cracking piece of eye candy,” Danny spluttered and Adam grinned.

  “Yah not wrong there.” Adam was given a small hatchback to change the brakes on and then do an oil change on a battered Fiesta before lunchtime. Although he wasn't a trained mechanic, he had worked in his father's garage since he was fourteen from time to time and could easily do basic car maintenance tasks without too much help or supervision.

  Although Adam liked his weekends, he was always willing to help his father's business and it was not unusual for him to do a Saturday shift if his father was short staffed.