The Au Naturel Girls

by Bawdy Bloke

  Bella arrived just as he had finished putting in his PIN into the keypad and scoffed. “I was just hoping for a last drinky,” she shouted. “Or a pudding.”

  He spluttered. “I think we've had enough,” he told her firmly and she adjusted her dress, straining the safety pin she had repaired her dress with.

  “Fuckin' tightarse,” she screeched and looked at him. “One drinky?”

  Adam coughed and shook his head. “You've had enough,” he told her and held out her coat. Bella snorted and stomped through the restaurant, her short dress riding up as she took long strides swaying into two other tables and nearly knocking over a drink.

  Adam blushed as she snatched the coat from him and he opened the door. Bella slipped the moment she hit the cold air and her left leg swung out in front of her, throwing her against the restaurant glass and causing a couple in the window to jump as Bella slid down the window. Adam caught her before she hit the ground and she grunted in reply. “Let's get you home,” he told her and Bella shook her head.

  “Pub. Few more. Bet I can dweenk you under the table.” She burped and Adam sighed.

  “Another time,” he said firmly and watched the buxom girl grab hold of his arm. “Where do you live? Nat said it was close to the town centre.”

  Bella zigzagged across the path and swung her arm out into the road. “That direction,” she shouted across the square. “I live over there.” A few people stopped to see the drunk girl screeching into the road and Adam grabbed her as she started walking in front of a double-decker bus. Bella stopped and Adam had to push her across the ring road, the loud sound of the bus's horn echoing around the historic architecture. “Fuck off,” she shouted as Adam released his grip on her shoulder, and waved towards the bus making it's way down the street.

  “You nearly got yourself killed,” Adam moaned and she laughed.

  “Hey, I know a trick,” she told him and grabbed her purse from her handbag, extracting a bank note and putting it behind her back. Her hands ruffled her skirt and she brought her hands back empty. “See,” she said and then put her hands behind her back and pulled out the five pounds note.

  She stumbled into a low wall as they crossed the canal and Adam shook her head. “Ya knickers,” he told her. “Ya just put it into ya knickers.”

  Ahh,” Bella cried and slid her hands under her skirt to reveal a pair of black knickers which she threw into her bag. She repeated her trick and Adam shook his head; he wasn't sure where Bella had hidden the bank note but she giggled and Adam laughed at her smile. “See ya can laugh,” she slurred and turned into a small set of maisonette-style houses.

  She ran down a slight slope and Adam followed as she tripped but kept her footing and fell against a brown door. She looked in her handbag for keys but the door was opened by a teenager with long blonde hair and Bella looked up. “You pissed again Auntie?”

  Adam hesitated; Bella hadn't mentioned a niece but what was she doing there? “Come in?” Bella told the hovering man. “Get your fuckin' arse in here. Coffee? Vodka? Beer?”

  “Coffee,” Adam replied and closed the door behind him; the flat smelt slightly musty but he walked into a small dark room where the teenager picked up an electronic book reader and looked at Bella.

  “Alfie went to bed at seven, Dia at seven thirty. Both are fine. Not heard a peep out of them.”

  “Alfie? Dia?” Adam muttered and Bella shrugged walking into to the kitchen and asking him if he wanted milk or sugar.

  “My cousins,” the girl told him as gathered her possessions into her arms. “They are good kids.” she said and hesitated.

  “Adam.”

  “Lucy,” she told him.

  Bella returned with a cup of steaming coffee and a massive glass of pale yellow liquid, which looked like wine. “Alfie and Dia?” Adam asked

  “Ahh well, they me kids,” she told him.

  “You didn't mention it,” he told her and she swayed as she sat down before taking a big gulp. Bella turned to Lucy as she put her shoes on her feet.

  “Yeah well, they are good kids, dya reckon they'll like Adam?”

  Adam's eyes widened as she spoke and Lucy pursed her lips together and nodded. “They didn't like that Pete bloke.”

  Bella snorted. “Well they better like this boyfriend,” she said firmly and Adam suppressed the urge to shout out; what was this girl playing at? They had had one meal, and one date, and even that had not gone well. She was being a bit premature about him being her girlfriend.

  While Adam did not dislike Bella and she was certainly a curvy and independent woman, the thought of being a father to two kids who weren't his own, was something not to be undertaken lightly. It wasn't something he wanted to leap into and Bella seemed so certain.

  Lucy looked at Adam who shrugged at her and shook his head but Bella was drinking the wine and did not notice.

  “I better be off now,” Lucy said and got up, smiling at Adam. He hesitated; Lucy may have looked sixteen or seventeen but she seemed a far more attractive proposition than his date; he wondered if it was really bad form to ask for someone else's phone number while on a date and decided that it probably was.

  Bella stumbled to her feet and hugged her niece, thanking her for babysitting in a drunken voice and cursed when her dress slipped. “I better get changed,” she muttered and slipped inside her bathroom.

  Adam drank his coffee, looking at a picture of two toddlers on the television; how had he managed to get himself into the situation he found himself in? He had to tell Bella that they had no future; he simply did not find her behaviour sexy or was comfortable with her outrageous antics.

  His musings was interrupted by Bella as she stumbled out of the bathroom, her bathrobe loosely hanging over her shoulders and she staggered back into the room. Adam glanced at her tattoo covering the right hand side of her slightly distended belly and she glanced down. “Yeah OK, I'm pregnant too,” she muttered.

  “Pregnant,” Adam asked and she held onto the back of a chair. “After what you've drunk tonight?”

  Bella sneered. “Oh sound like my mother,” she snapped and looked at him putting his coat back on. “You going?”

  “Yeah,” Adam said. “It's late and well you've 'ad a few too many.”

  Bella gripped onto the chair and swayed slightly. “'ve not,” she cried and burped loudly. “Shit, maybe.” Adam glanced into her glazed eyes and pursed his lips together.

  “Well OK, I'll see ya,” he told her and she held out her arms.

  “At least hug goodbye,” she slurred and Adam watched her stumble across the room. “Thank-oo for a nize-night,” she babbled as she came across her room and stopped, burping a few feet from him. She held out her arms and then belched, followed by a giant heave and a flood of vomit left her mouth.

  Adam leapt out of the way but he was too late, his trousers were covered by the warm liquid being forcibly expelled from the pregnant woman. “Ahhh … shit,” he cried out loudly and Bella stared at him, mumbling an apology.

  Adam shook his head and opened the door, running out of the flat and not stopping until he was at least half-a-mile away from the drunken woman. He could smell the putrid liquid on his legs, the warm vomit decidedly cold in the December air. He tried hard not to think about the puke that was coating his legs but it was hard not to.

  A few people turned their noses up at him as he walked and ran down the road towards his house. The light was on when he got home and Natalie shouted when he closed the door. “How was it? What the hell happened to you?” Natalie squealed with a smirk on her face, appearing naked at the door to the lounge.

  “What does it look like? I have never, ever been on a worse date before.” Natalie suppressed a smile and nodded. “And that includes the double date with Carl.”

  “Not good then. You had too many?”

  “Fuckin' Bella had too many,” Adam spat back. “Oh, and you didn't mention the kids, or the pregnancy.” Adam grunted and stripped off his shoes and trousers, p
utting them into a discarded plastic bag by the hall. “I need a shower. Oh, and please, no more dates from your friends. They're crazy.”

  * * * * *

  “She forgiven then?” Sarah asked as she went to leave the room.

  Adam looked at Natalie. “Yeah. Sort of. She's promised to make good on the date front.”

  Natalie cocked her head. “He is getting a date from me tomorrow at a restaurant.” Sarah murmured with raised eyebrows but Adam didn't notice and Sarah left to retrieve the popcorn from the microwave in the kitchen.

  “Not the Chinese restaurant. Hell I ain't going there again, I'd be banned.”

  Natalie burst out laughing. “You should have worked her out,” she said with a splutter. “Nice girl, likes her booze, drinks when nervous.”

  “Hell, that date cost me ninety quid in the restaurant. A fiver on the taxi, and a new suit.” Natalie sighed at his moaning and crossed her arms.

  “Honestly. One date goes wrong and this is what we get.”

  “Well. I ain't having anything more to do with dating your friends.”

  Natalie sniffed. “It's Lancashire girls,” she told him. “They're feckin' crazy.”

  “Yeah, well the Scottish girls aren't much better,” he grumbled. Natalie shook her head and turned the fire on in the front room. Sarah joined them with two big bags of microwave popcorn on a serving tray. “Sweet for you two,” she said passing the bag to Natalie and Adam curled up on the sofa. Natalie swore as she took the bag. “Ahh yeah, they are hot,” she warned needlessly. “They've just come from the microwave.”

  Sarah threw herself into the chair, bouncing a little as the springs adjusted to her slim body and she picked up the wine from the floor, topping her glass up. Tabitha, sat on the other chair took a handful of “butter” popcorn and looked at her partner. “Should you be drinking?”

  “Yeah, it's fine,” Sarah said dismissively.”

  “It's just that you had a bit at Christmas, and a bit more yesterday. And New Year is coming. Give ya body a rest,” Tabitha calmly told Sarah who shrugged off her concern.

  “What are we watching?” Natalie asked. “It's not My Summer Of Love again?”

  “My Summer of Love?” Adam asked. “Doesn't sound too bad. Does it have, ya know, in it?”

  Natalie chortled at her house mate who she was leaning against and snorted. “Sex scenes. The odd one. It's about a lesbian and then an incestuous triangle.”

  “It's not,” Sarah cried out. “That's a very short-sighted look at what is an excellent film.”

  “I get it,” Adam said with a grin. “It's a film for muff munchers.”

  Sarah punched him on the arm. “Will you stop calling me that. I am not a muff muncher.” She turned to Natalie and took a deep breath. “We are watching Cashback. I was recommended it by a guy at school. A guy on teaching training who said I would enjoy it.”

  She passed Natalie the box and Adam whistled at the front cover – containing a near-naked woman. “Looks good,” he replied and then cocked his head. “Romantic comedy. Oh man,” he called out and Natalie moved her hand on the other side of her flanks to where Adam's pubis bone was underneath her and pinched the skin.

  “Stop moanin',” she told him and watched as Tabitha flicked the television into life with the remote control and the film started. Adam couldn't object to all of it – there were many scenes of nudity and nakedness but the film contained little swearing, no violence and, as he could make out, was a rambling plot that was too subtle for his tastes.

  Adam did however, have the naked and curvy Natalie lying on top of him and his hand over her shoulder had rested on her bosom, which she didn't object to and buried her head into his chest as she settled to get comfortable.

  Natalie sighed as the film tailed off into the credits. “That was amazing,” she cried.

  “Were we watching the same film?” Adam asked and Natalie dug her shoulder into his crotch as she got up causing him to exclaim loudly.

  “Sorry,” she muttered and she looked over at Sarah pouring the last of the wine into her glass. “Does it hurt?”

  “Yes, you just put all your piggin' weight on my wedding tackle. Of course, it bloody hurts.” Natalie shook her head and looked down at him.

  “Do you need me to kiss it better?” Natalie asked with a grin. Adam gulped and nodded.

  "Yeah. That'll be cool,” he muttered and Natalie reached down to kiss the top of his erect cock. He groaned as she did and Natalie looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

  She swirled her tongue around the glans and he pushed himself into the springy mattress as Natalie withdrew to a grunt of annoyance from the young man. “Oi,” he cried.

  “What?” Natalie asked and he looked at her. “I said a kiss.”

  “Yeah, but ...” Adam's protestations faded and he looked at her. “It still hurts, it needs more kissing.”

  “I think he wants a blow-job,” Sarah said, stating the obvious.

  “Then he should bloody ask for one,” Natalie muttered getting up from the sofa and picking up the empty popcorn bag.

  “Natalie,” Adam asked with a smirk. “Can I have a blow-job?”

  Natalie snorted. “Not a fucking chance,” she replied. “I don't do blow-jobs. For anyone.”

  Adam pushed himself into the chair and Sarah giggled. “Do you want to watch that lesbian DVD we got you?” Adam grunted and Sarah staggered to her feet. “Alone?”

  Adam watched Sarah drunkenly totter out of the room and Tabitha adjusted herself before hauling her pregnant body to her feet. “She's had too much,” she muttered. “Good night, Adam.”

  “Yeah,” Adam responded dreamily. “Night.”

  * * * * *

  “Quit? Already,” Adam gave a wry grin. “So Diane fecked off.”

  “Yeah. But don't worry, I got a new bird to do it. And she has tits like Jordan and she's well sharp. She'll have our regulars wrapped around 'er little finger.”

  “Yeah Dad, is this a brothel or a garage?”

  “Hey, ya get serviced either way,” Danny called out from the other side of the rusty van.

  “I heard you are very experienced on that.” Danny spluttered and Adam looked at his father who had returned to the vehicle. “Anyway, cheers Dad. I'll catch you in the near year.”

  “Yeah, sure,” he replied, gesturing at his son and glancing down at the bottle of Irish Whiskey he had left behind – a present from a supplier to the workshop supervisor that was not going to be enjoyed by the young man. “Have a good night.”

  “Will do,” came the response as he disappeared around the corner and towards the restaurant.

  “I thought I was going to be stood up again,” Natalie cooed and he shook his head.

  “How could I stand ya up?”

  Natalie raised her eyebrows at him and he opened the door for her. “Table for two. Name of Hodson,” he told the waiter and he scanned the page.

  “Sorry sir, when did you make the booking.”

  He turned to Natalie who was grinning at him. “Try Porter, Natalie Porter,” she told the waiter and turned to Adam. “What you thought I would make it under your name?”

  Adam shook his head and took Natalie's coat, hanging it up on the coat-stand before being shown to the small two person table in the corner of the restaurant next to a small open fire.

  Natalie grinned as he sat down and she picked up the menu, scanning it for a few moments and then looking at him. “I know what I want.”

  “That was quick,” he replied instantly and idly glanced down the A4 card. Natalie didn't answer but got up telling her date that she was going to the toilet and left him alone for a few moments. When she returned, she ordered the biggest steak on the menu along with Adam and he grinned at her. “Does it show that we are carnivores living with vegetarians?”

  Natalie laughed and waited for the waiter to leave. She looked at him and gulped. “So, tell me, what's ya life story? I know nothing about you?”

  “Yeah an
d I know nothing about you too, 'cept you work as a manager in a coach company.”

  “Assistant Manager,” Natalie corrected him and then raised her eyebrows. “You first.”

  Adam hummed. “At school, then college, left to go work in a factory and been there ever since. What else's there to tell. Used to work in my Dad's garage, still do sometimes.”

  “What's the thing with Carl.”

  “Ahh Carl. Yeah well Carl was in my school year and we're friends. He was, umm, well he was screwing my sister recently.”

  “Christ,” Natalie muttered. “Proper little scrote.”

  “Nah, she's just lonely at times, and, well, she knows Carl.”

  “And you're still friends with him after taking advantage of ya sister?”

  Adam snorted. “I reckon Ivy took advantage of him as well ya know. She's no angel.”

  Natalie shook her head and looked at him. “What about the other guy, um, Jamie?”

  “Jamie was on the same football team as my brother and 'e was injured so spent a lot of time on the sidelines and we'd chat.”

  Natalie smirked. “No friends from work?”

  “A few, but it stays at work really. A couple of guys left, moved to Australia and …” Adam trailed off as the waiter arrived with their drinks. “You?”

  “I go to massage classes with a girl called Ruby, she works part-time on the coaches as a cleaner. But other than that, I dain't want to do to too much with 'em as I'm a manager and it blurs responsibility and impairs judgement.”

  Adam laughed but Natalie was serious and sipped her wine. “What about you? You're Scottish I get that bit.”

  “There's nothing,” she said tersely. “Nothing to tell.”

  “There must be, you heard my life, what 'bout yours?”

  Natalie sniffed and looked up at the ceiling before taking a deep gulp of her wine. “I was born in a town, now infamous,” she told him. “Dunblane.”

  “Dunblane?” Adam asked. “Oh the shooting at the … er … primary school. But that was …”

  “When I was eight,” Natalie finished for him. “I had just turned eight.” Adam put his hands together and rested his chin on his fingers, listening to the girl, who was staring into the condiments. “We saw – him. The monster, he was scary. We heard the shots - in the gym and in the playground. We saw ...”