Pieces of Me

by E. L. Todd

  I shut the door and headed to work.

  ***

  I picked up Skye after five. “Had a good day at work?”

  “It dragged on forever.” She slowly rose from the chair, gripping the desk for support. Her stomach was enormous. “But I have some good news.”

  I had a feeling I knew what it was. “Hmm?”

  “I’m going on maternity leave. Dad and Conrad both insisted.”

  “That’s great,” I said with a smile. “You should be off your feet.”

  “I’m not a quitter, but geez, being pregnant is uncomfortable.”

  “I can only imagine.” I grabbed her purse for her and opened the door.

  After we made it to the truck, I buckled her inside then got into the driver’s seat.

  She kicked off her shoes. “Ugh, my feet are so swollen.”

  “I’ll rub them for you when we get back.”

  “You don’t have to do that…”

  “I don’t mind.” We drove through the traffic of the city then headed to the open road. The roads were wet from the rain and winter was coming. It was felt in the crisp air and seen in the red and gold leaves.

  I parked in the driveway then helped her inside. After I dropped her off, I usually left but this time I walked inside. “So, what are you going to do now that you’ll be home all day?”

  “I don’t know…” She plopped down on the couch. “Eat a lot of chocolate, I guess.”

  “That sounds like a good idea.” I noticed that the house was messier than it usually was. There was a basket of laundry that needed folding, and there was a musty smell in the air like she hadn’t vacuumed. “Hungry?”

  “A little.”

  “How about a sandwich?”

  “You don’t have to do that, Cayson. I can make it myself.”

  “I want to do it, Skye. You’re having my baby. I should wait on you hand and foot. So, a sandwich is okay?”

  She nodded.

  I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. But there was nothing inside. There was no food, and the leftovers were old and expired. It wasn’t like Skye to not keep the house stocked. “There’s nothing in the fridge.”

  “Oh yeah,” she said. “I haven’t gone to the store in a while…”

  Maybe letting her live here alone was a bad idea. She was clearly unable to do a lot of stuff on her own at this point. And I could only imagine how difficult it would be for her to go grocery shopping and unload everything.

  I came back to the living room. “I’m going to run to the store. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

  “Cayson, you don’t get to go shopping for me. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

  “And what will you eat in the meantime?”

  She shrugged. “I’m sure there’s a can of soup somewhere. And I know how to order a pizza. That’s a skill I’ll never lose.”

  “No, I’m going to the store. Is there anything you specifically need?”

  She shook her head. “You really don’t need to wait on me like this.”

  “I don’t mind.” I grabbed her hand and held it in my own.

  Her eyes moved to our joined hands.

  “I’ll be back, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  ***

  When I returned I stocked her fridge with the things I knew she would eat. There was plenty of stuff to make sandwiches, along with fruits and vegetables. There was literally nothing in her fridge so I had to restock everything.

  “Thanks,” she said. “Now I won’t go hungry.”

  “No problem.” I put all the plastic bags in the closet before I made two sandwiches and put them on the kitchen table. She sat across from me then took a bite.

  There was an open bag of chips between us so we took turns munching on a few.

  “This is a good sandwich,” she said.

  “Thanks. I’ve had a lot of practice because that’s all I’ve been making.”

  She chuckled. “Well, if you ever need another job Subway would love to have you.”

  “I’d be the manager in no time,” I teased.

  She finished her food before I did and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “That was good. And it was even better since I didn’t have to make it.”

  Dishes were piled up in the sink and the house wasn’t in its prime like it used to be. She was struggling to keep up with everything since she wasn’t able to get around as often as she used to. Plus, now that she was in her last trimester things were bound to come up. Being thirty minutes away from her might not be an option anymore. “Skye?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Can I move back in?”

  Her eyes immediately dilated in reaction. Her breathing increased like I hit an invisible trigger that set off deep emotions. “You want to?”

  “You really shouldn’t be here alone. I want to come home every night and take care of you.”

  “Oh…” When she understood my reasoning she pressed her lips tightly together. “Of course. You’re welcome to come back whenever you want.”

  “Thanks.” I finished my sandwich and stared at my empty plate. There were crumbs everywhere. “Can I take the spare bedroom?” I wasn’t ready to sleep in the same bed as her. More time was needed before we took that plunge.

  “Sure.” She hid her sadness. “Whatever makes you more comfortable. What about your lease?”

  “I’m pretty much stuck with it. Maybe I can sub-lease it or something.”

  “Yeah…”

  I grabbed the plates and carried them to the sink. “I’ll start packing tonight and move some essentials tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Sounds good.”

  “Well, I should get going. I’ve got a lot to do.”

  She left the table slowly then walked me to the door. She didn’t make a move to touch or kiss me. She never did that. The ball was always in my court. “Good night, Cayson. Thanks for looking out for me. You always take care of me.”

  “I’ll always take care of you.” I never meant anything more in my life. Nothing she did or said would ever stop me from loving her. She would always be the most important in my life—along with our children.

  Chapter Ten

  Arsen

  I pulled the sweater over my head then tiptoed down the hallway. All the lights in the house were off, and I immersed myself in darkness. After I grabbed my keys and wallet, I left the house and headed to the sidewalk.

  It was three in the morning but I couldn’t sleep. I could never sleep.

  Silke lay on her side of the bed and didn’t cuddle with me. She usually stayed clear of me, like she didn’t trust me anymore.

  She shouldn’t trust me.

  Because I was a different person now.

  I headed to the bar then took my usual place at the counter. I came here every night and drank my sorrows away. Only liquor could numb my pain. Silke told me not to come home drunk anymore and I didn’t. I loved her and didn’t want her to leave.

  But she didn’t say anything about getting drunk in the middle of the night.

  So, I wasn’t breaking any rules.

  I’d come here so often that I knew who all the regulars were—because I was a regular. Sometimes I made small talk with them, but I usually just sat there and drank and drank.

  “You’re too young to be coming in here so often,” the bartender said.

  “I’m older than I look.”

  “Marriage troubles?”

  “I’m not married.” I swirled the ice around in the glass. It was weird to think I was just about to propose to Silke when everything fell apart.

  “Divorced?”

  “Nope. Mom died.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Yeah…” Now she was buried in the ground because cancer took her. I tapped my glass on the counter. “Another.”

  “I’m cutting you off, Son. You’ve had enough.”

  I sighed and stared at my empty glass.

  “You’ll get liver cancer at this rat
e.”

  I didn’t give a damn. “Well, thanks.” I tossed my money on the counter then left the bar.

  The streets were cold and dark. Despite the time of night there were still people everywhere. I headed back to my house with my hands deep in my pockets. I usually lay in bed next to Silke without sleeping. She would wake up first and get ready before she took Abby to school. Then I would get up after she left so she didn’t know I was drunk.

  I approached the door and gently unlocked it before I walked inside. My vision was a little blurry from the gin. But my body was warm despite the cold. I returned my keys and wallet to the counter and turned to the hallway.

  Silke was standing there, wearing one of my t-shirts. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and a pissed look was on her face. She knew exactly what I’d been up to. I didn’t have a clue how she figured it out but she obviously did.

  I rubbed the back of my neck and tried to think of something to say. But it was pointless since there was nothing I could do to get out of this. “So, what’s up?”

  She shook her head as her eyes lit up in flames. “I told you to stop this.”

  “No, you told me not to come home from work drunk.”

  “Don’t be a smartass, Arsen.”

  “I’m not. I’m just telling you I didn’t break any of your rules. I get drunk when you and Abby are asleep and you never know the difference.”

  “How stupid do you think I am?” she snapped. “I know what you’ve been doing. I just hoped you would stop on your own.”

  That was wishful thinking.

  “Arsen, knock it off.”

  “I’m not bothering anybody so get off my ass.” My rage was coming to the surface, hot and blinding.

  “Not bothering anybody?” she asked incredulously. “I lay in bed and wait for you to come home. Sometimes I’m scared you won’t.”

  “It would probably be best for everyone if I didn’t…”

  She glared at me. “That’s not funny, Arsen.”

  “Wasn’t trying to be.” I put my hands in my pockets and leaned against the wall.

  “Stop shutting me out. Talk to me.”

  “What’s there to say?” I snapped. “I told you what’s bothering me. Talking about it isn’t going to help. It’s just…there.”

  “You need to let it go.”

  “Easier said than done, princess. Just because you’ve never had a hard day in your life doesn’t mean you get to sweep this under the rug. My mom is dead and I was a dick to her. You try living with that guilt.”

  “I’m not saying you don’t have every right to be upset, but don’t take it out on me. You’re pushing me away and I’m getting sick of it.”

  “Sorry I’m not worshipping you day and night like always.” Bitterness was in my voice.

  “You don’t need to worship me but you could at least respect me.”

  “You could respect me by not bossing me around.”

  “I don’t boss you around,” she snapped. “I care about you and I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Well, I’m fine. Just go to bed and ignore me when I leave.”

  “No. You aren’t going to leave at all.”

  “Just get off my ass, Silke. I’m sick of you riding me day and night. I’m going through a hard time and just let me deal with it. You aren’t helping. All you’re doing is pissing me off left and right.”

  Her eyes smoldered in rage. “Would you rather me not be here? Because I can arrange that.”

  Her threat hung heavily in the air. “If you want to leave, then go. If you don’t want me anymore the second I hit a rough patch, then leave. Don’t stay with me if you don’t want me. Leave. I don’t give a damn.”

  Her breathing increased. “Arsen, I will be by your side through anything. But I won’t be with a man who talks to me like that and sneaks out of the house when I’m asleep.”

  “Then it looks like you should find someone else. What’s Pike up to?”

  Now she looked like she wanted to kill me.

  “Why don’t you go screw him? Why don’t you shack up with that artistic douchebag? Maybe he’s the right guy for you.”

  “I can’t talk to you like this.” She shook her head and turned away.

  “I can’t talk to you either. You’re nothing but a pain in the ass.”

  She turned back around, and her eyes were breathing fire. “Arsen, I know you’re drunk but listen to me.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “I will leave you if you keep this up. I let it go the first time and I’ll let it go this time. But you only get one more chance, Arsen. I mean it.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was bluffing or not.

  “And I won’t come back, Arsen. Ever. That will be the end of us. You can grieve however you want, but you can’t resort to getting drunk every single day and treating me like shit. You bet your ass I will find someone else to spend my life with. And maybe it will be Pike.” She walked down the hall and into the bedroom.

  I stood there and listened for the closing door. When I heard it click, I covered my face and sighed. All the anger and rage bubbled inside me. I wanted to explode from the pressure and the pain.

  I wanted to scream.

  ***

  The workday dragged on forever. I kept thinking about the last thing Silke said to me. She would leave me if I didn’t get my shit straight. A part of me believed her and another part didn’t.

  As the alcohol wore off and turned into a hangover, I hated myself even more. The headache went away after I took some Aspirin but the guilt still lingered. I knew I was out of control. But I didn’t know what else to do. The pain consumed me to the point where I didn’t know what else to do.

  When I came home from work that night, Silke and Abby were already eating dinner. Silke assumed I wouldn’t come home that night, and she was almost right. “Hey.”

  “Hey, Daddy.” Abby waved from her chair.

  Silke didn’t say anything to me.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” I kissed her forehead and looked down at her plate. “You’re eating your vegetables. Good job.”

  “Silke said I can’t watch TV until I eat them.” She stuck out her tongue.

  “Then you better keep going.” I walked around the table until I reached Silke.

  She didn’t look up from her food and blatantly ignored me.

  I leaned down and kissed her head before I took my seat at the table. “This looks good. Thank you, baby.”

  Silke acted like she hadn’t heard me.

  Abby eyed Silke but didn’t say anything.

  I ate quietly and tried to think of how I was going to fix this. Silke was really mad at me this time. A simple apology and a few kisses wouldn’t fix it. Silke was passionate and fiery, and she didn’t forgive easily if you crossed her more than once. Like her father, she was passionate and understanding. But she was also hard as stone.

  When dinner was finished I grabbed the plates and washed them in the sink, not that it would fix anything with Silke. Abby moved into the living room and watched TV, her back to us.

  Silke didn’t help me with the dishes. She immediately walked away.

  “Silke.” I kept my voice low so Abby wouldn’t hear me.

  She turned around and glared at me.

  “Come here.”

  She wouldn’t budge.

  “Please.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest then slowly approached me.

  I stared at the cold look in her eyes and saw her constructed walls. She wasn’t letting me in, not this time. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “My behavior last night…the things I said.”

  “Do you even remember what you said?” she snapped.

  “I do.”

  She kept her arms across her chest.

  “Silke, I’m sorry. I know I’m out of control. I don’t mean to be this way…”

  “Don’t make excuses, Arsen. Be a man and stop. If not for me,
then for your daughter.”

  “I don’t do it when she’s around.”

  “You think she’s deaf?” she asked. “Abby can hear all our fights. She knows something is wrong. She’s five, not stupid.”

  I took a deep breath and bowed my head.

  “Arsen, I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I looked at you. Whatever life throws at you, I’m there for you. But you won’t let me be there for you. Instead you turn to a bottle then treat me like shit.”

  “I know. But you wouldn’t understand…”

  “I understand death. I understand guilt. Arsen, I’m not stupid.”

  “I didn’t say you were.”

  “You’ve always turned to Ryan for everything, even though that hurts my feelings sometimes. But I never said anything because it shouldn’t matter who you turn to as long as you turn to someone. But now you’re just reckless and stupid. You’re tearing apart every relationship you have. What’s that going to accomplish, Arsen? When you finally push me so far away that I never come back, what then? Will you finally be at peace? When you destroy Abby’s image of you, will you be happy? What do you want?”

  “None of those things…”

  “Then. Just. Stop.”

  It wasn’t so simple.

  “You’re turning into your own father, Arsen. Did that every cross your mind?”

  My eyes narrowed on her face. “I would never leave my daughter. And I’m insulted you would think that.”

  “But you have left her, Arsen. You’re never here. I’m the one taking care of her. What would you do without me? Would you sit there and drink while she played with her toys on the ground? Would you ask Ryan to watch her so you can hang out at a bar? Arsen, that’s not being a father. That’s being a piece of shit.” She grabbed a plate from the sink and smashed it down, making it fly off into pieces.

  I flinched slightly at her violent reaction.

  “I mean it, Arsen. Turn this act around or I’m leaving you. I don’t care how much you’re hurting, I will not be your punching bag. I won’t put up with your shit just because I love you. If you think I’m that weak then you don’t know me at all.” She left the sink and disappeared into the hallway.

  I remained rooted to the spot and glanced at Abby. She was still watching TV so hopefully she hadn’t heard anything.