Pieces of Me

by E. L. Todd

  Knowing she compared every guy to me filled me with joy—but also sadness. I couldn’t give her what she wanted even if I wanted to. I always had to keep my distance and my hands to myself. She deserved a man who wasn’t fucked up in the head like I was. But I also didn’t want to share her with anyone else. “I know what you mean.”

  “I’m just glad I’m not crazy. Whenever I try to explain it to Marie, she doesn’t get it.”

  “And I haven’t bothered explaining it to Axel.”

  She chuckled softly. “You shouldn’t waste your time.”

  “At least you and I get it.”

  “Yeah…”

  Whatever the hell it was. Maybe she was just a best friend. Maybe it was the first time I’d ever been able to be myself around someone. Who knew what it was. But it was there nonetheless.

  My arm moved around her petite waist and I dragged her across the bed into my chest. She was half my size and easy to move around. When our skin came into contact, I immediately felt warm—but in a good way. My face was close to hers and I could smell her hair. It reminded me of a meadow in spring. Her skin was soft, and I missed the way it felt against my lips. The closeness healed my aching heart. The intimacy was something I’d never experienced before. It was the first time I’d ever been close to another human being—spiritually. Our hearts synced together and so did our breathing. I was entertained with her presence, and it had nothing to do with sex. All I wanted was her—nothing else.

  “You’re so cuddly to sleep with.”

  I smiled slightly. “I’m like a big teddy bear.”

  “A grizzly bear.” Her arm moved around my waist and she tucked her leg between mine.

  I released a quiet growl.

  She chuckled. “So scary…”

  “You shouldn’t be scared. But everyone else should.”

  “You’re a gentle giant. You act tough on the outside, but you’re a big sweetheart on the inside.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  She held my gaze before she closed her eyes. “Everything about you.”

  ***

  My phone vibrated on my nightstand three times before I realized someone was calling me. Being pulled from my dreams was painful. I was in a good place, Francesca still in my arms.

  My eyes opened and I saw her hair cascaded around her face. She was dead asleep and hadn’t heard the phone. She looked small, safely cocooned in my arms. I really did feel like a grizzly bear keeping her warm from the cold.

  The phone vibrated again so I snatched it and glanced at the screen. Instead of seeing one of my regulars, I saw my mother’s name.

  Shit.

  Not tonight.

  Why did she have to call me this week?

  I gently removed myself from Francesca’s side and made it down the hallway. The air was freezing in the middle of the night. The coldness seemed to leak through the cracks of the apartment.

  I took the call once I was in the kitchen. “What?”

  Mom was whimpering into the phone. “Hawke, please.” She didn’t need to say anything else. The calls were always the same. She needed to call the police or move in with me but she never did. Every time my dad apologized, she took him back like an idiot.

  Why should I help her when this kept happening? I’d already been the subject of his torments, and now that I wasn’t there, my mom was the only target when he was drinking. Instead of letting him do whatever he wanted, she should be strong and stand up for herself.

  But that would never happen.

  It didn’t matter how much she irritated me. It didn’t matter how many times she called me. I had to help her.

  Because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

  ***

  This time, Dad had a bat. He was breaking down the bathroom door when I arrived. He screamed incoherent things and threatened to kill her. To anyone else, he would be terrifying.

  But he didn’t scare me.

  I grabbed a vase from the table then slammed it hard against the back of his head. He immediately crumbled into a ball on the floor, his eyes closed. I stared down at him as the silence echoed. All I had to do was bash his head open and I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Mom would be free. She could collect the life insurance and move on.

  I could make it look like an accident.

  But I wasn’t a murderer. I was already tainted with darkness. If I did it, I would be poisoned for the rest of my life. I’d be caught and thrown in jail, and all my dreams would be gone forever.

  Mom opened the door, or what was left of it. When she realized he was knocked out cold, she breathed a sigh of relief and clutched her chest. But then she winced like she was in pain.

  “Mom, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” She dabbed at her eyes.

  I spotted the bruises along her forearm. “He hurt you.” I grabbed her hand and examined the injury. My blood boiled at the sight. She usually managed not to get hurt during his drunken fights. But tonight she didn’t escape his violence.

  “He grabbed me…it was an accident.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” How long would she rationalize this stupidity?

  She pulled her sleeve down so the marks were hidden. “I’m fine. Really.”

  I wanted to smack her myself. “Let’s go.”

  She eyed my dad before she stepped around him.

  ***

  I didn’t realize the unpleasant situation I was in until we walked into the apartment. Francesca was still asleep, but how would I explain why my mother was there in the morning? How could I hide the two women from each other?

  Mom sat at the kitchen table and winced when she moved her arm.

  “Let’s go to the hospital.”

  “No.” She was just as stubborn as I was.

  “Something could be broken.”

  “Nothing is.” She wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

  I placed some water in front of her before I sat across the table. “This can’t go on any longer. We need to get the police involved.”

  A glossy look came into her eyes. “It only happens once in a while.”

  “It shouldn’t happen at all.” My temper was rising and the heat was flushing my face.

  “He’s a good man—”

  “He used to strangle me with a belt.” How could she sit there and defend him? “He used to slam my hand in the back door. Don’t sit there and tell me he’s a good man. He’s a pathetic excuse for a human being.” I tried to keep my voice down but it was a struggle. There was too much pain to keep it back.

  “I know…” She trailed off like she had nothing to say.

  “Move in with me.” Living with my mom wasn’t my ideal living situation, but I was the only one who could protect her. I trusted myself over the police. “He can’t hurt you while I’m here.” I used to be terrified of my father but now it was the other way around.

  She shook her head. “Theodore Jr.—”

  “Don’t. Call. Me. That.” I slammed my fist down on the table and almost broke it. “This has gone on long enough. One of these days, he’s really going to hurt you. And one day, he might kill you.”

  She didn’t meet my gaze.

  “How can you keep going back to him?”

  “You wouldn’t understand…”

  “You’re right,” I snapped. “I don’t understand. Just leave him. I can protect you. You don’t need to suffer anymore.”

  “He’ll come after me.”

  “I’d like to see him try.”

  Her voice broke. “He isn’t like that all the time. Things are good—”

  “Until he has too much to drink and then it goes bad.”

  Her eyes finally met mine.

  “You will die this way unless you change it. My doors are always open.”

  “I know, sweetheart. You’re such a good son…”

  “Then leave him. I’ll take you to get your things and you’ll live with me.”

  She closed her eyes.


  I lost my temper and turned the table over. It crashed on the floor and knocked over the other chairs. Adrenaline was coursing in my veins. I needed to demolish the house. “Goddammit!” I clenched my hands into fists. “He’s a piece of shit. Leave him. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Calm down…”

  “No, you need to stop being calm. He abuses you, Mom. This behavior is unacceptable.”

  She raised her hand. “You have a temper just like your father…you need to control it.”

  “Do you see me hitting anyone?” My hands shook in anger.

  Mom’s eyes left my face and moved past my shoulder. Confusion moved across her eyes before she turned back to me.

  She didn’t need to tell me what she saw. Francesca was standing right behind me. She undoubtedly heard me lose my temper and saw me destroy my own table. I forgot about her in the heat of our argument. This was a side to me I hid from the world.

  And now my secret was out.

  I slowly turned around and faced her. She stood in her pajama shorts and tank top, her hair messy and her eyes full of interrupted sleep. I didn’t know what to say or do. All I did was stare.

  Francesca returned the look with pity in her eyes. The pain in my heart was reflected back at me through her gaze. It was obvious she knew everything just from the look.

  “Go back to bed.” She didn’t respond to commands very often, but I knew she would obey this one.

  She turned around without arguing and walked away.

  I turned back to my mom, feeling the weight of stress fall on my shoulders. Francesca knew my darkest secret. And now she knew I was a monster.

  “I didn’t realize you had company…” Mom’s voice came out as a whisper.

  I never talked about my personal life to my mom. We hardly talked about anything other than my piece of shit father. “She’s just a friend…”

  “She’s beautiful.”

  “I know.” I stepped away and headed to the couch. “You’ll have to take the sofa tonight.”

  “That’s fine…”

  “And I’m sure Dad will pick you up in the morning.” I didn’t bother keeping the bitterness out of my voice. “Let me grab a blanket.” When I walked by, she grabbed my arm.

  “Hawke.”

  I looked at her even though I didn’t want to.

  “Thank you…for protecting me.”

  Nothing I did or said would change the situation. We were doomed to repeat it until he died or she finally found the strength to leave. “I’ll always protect you.”

  ***

  When I finally went back to bed, I hoped Francesca had fallen asleep. I didn’t feel like being interrogated about everything she saw and heard. Now I wish she hadn’t stayed with me all week. It was bad timing.

  If there were somewhere else to sleep, I wouldn’t have returned to bed. But I had nowhere to go unless I wanted to sleep in my truck in the cold. After I pulled the sheets up my body, Francesca stirred beside me.

  She stared at me.

  I kept my eyes on the ceiling.

  Francesca’s hand snaked across the bed until her fingers found mine. Then she interlocked them.

  My hand was unresponsive but I didn’t pull away either.

  Once she knew I would let her touch me, she slid across the bed until she was snuggled into my side. Then she wrapped her arm around my waist and rested her face on my chest.

  I waited for the intrusive questions.

  But they never came.

  Patience

  Francesca

  The pieces started to fall together.

  When I heard Hawke yelling from the other side of the apartment, I should have stayed put. But I was too interested to stay in the bedroom and remain hidden. I had to know what he was screaming about.

  I had to know if he was okay.

  Hawke didn’t need to explain anything. Seeing his mother grip her arm while tears still lingered in her eyes drew a picture for me. And everything Hawke screamed while he destroyed his own home told me it’d been going on for a long time.

  I always knew something was off when it came to Hawke. He had a distinct darkness he couldn’t get out of. It lingered behind his eyes, growing with every passing day. It reminded me of my own hardships years ago.

  We were the opposite sides of the same coin.

  But I knew Hawke well. Just from his stiff body language and intimidating aura, he didn’t want to talk about what I witnessed. He didn’t want to be questioned about something he’d been hiding his whole life. He didn’t want to have a conversation, even if it was gentle and understanding.

  So I didn’t ask anything.

  Hawke would talk to me when he was ready, not before. When it came to expressing his emotions, he had to do it his own way. He was like a steel door that couldn’t be broken down. The only way to get inside was if it was unlocked.

  I knew Hawke would open up to me. I just didn’t know when.

  ***

  “How was Hawke Motel?” Marie asked at work. She turned on the blender to make a frappuccino so we both fell silent until it was done screeching. After she pulled the container out and finished the drink, we continued the conversation.

  “Good. Surprisingly clean.”

  “Really?” A mischievous smirk stretched across her face. “I figured it would be dirty—real dirty.”

  I threw a coffee bean at her. “Knock it off.”

  “Come on. Did you at least see anything?”

  “Like what?” His underwear drawer?

  “Getting a peek of him in the shower.”

  He dropped his towel on me, but I was stupid and didn’t look. “No.”

  “Did he get a peek of you?”

  “Hawke wouldn’t spy on me.”

  “So, it was the most boring visit on the planet?” She poured the drink into the plastic cup then handed it over to the customer. “Have a nice day.” She turned back to me when we were alone. “Because that sounds like a snooze fest.”

  “What were you expecting? We’re just friends.”

  “Shut up. You are so not just friends.”

  “We are.” For the most part.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t hook up. With a gorgeous man like that, at least have a friends-with-benefits relationship.”

  “Not my style.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Life is too short not to have an orgasm every day.”

  “Who said I didn’t have one every day?”

  Another grin stretched on her lips. “You dirty bird.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’ve seen my vibrator.”

  “I bet you think about Hawke.”

  I tried not to blush and give it away. “Maybe…maybe not.”

  “Whatever.” She swatted my arm playfully. “I’d think about him.”

  I’m sure a lot of girls did. “How’d it go with Anthony?”

  “Fine,” she said in a bored voice. “I paid for my rent by sleeping with him. When I left, I ended it.”

  I tried not to laugh. “That’s pretty messed up, Marie.”

  “You think he cared?” she asked with a laugh. “He got laid all week. Believe me, he’s fine.” Marie looked toward the door when the bell rang. “Your vibrator just walked inside.” She shot me a wink before she walked into the back.

  I turned to see Hawke at the counter, dressed in his work clothes. It was the first time we’d seen each other since I returned to my house. We still hadn’t talked about that painful night with his mother. I could still see the broken table and chair behind my eyes. “Hi.”

  “Hey.” He stared at me with that hard gaze, not blinking.

  I sauntered to the counter then tucked my hair behind my ear. “Regular?”

  “Espresso.”

  “Coming right up.” I made it then placed it in front of him. “$2.15.”

  He passed me the cash without taking his eyes off me.

  I returned the change.

  The interaction was more tense than usual. I knew he
was waiting for me to ask about that evening. But I refused to do it. Why question someone about something they didn’t want to talk about? If I were patient enough, he would come to me. “How’s your day?”

  “Pretty boring.” He glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one else was in line. “Axel made a necklace out of paperclips and tried to get me to wear it. That was the highlight of my day.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Axel is a child in a man’s body.”

  “Couldn’t have said it better myself.” He tried to hide the sadness in his eyes but I could still see it. I wanted to hug him but the counter separated us. “How was your day?”

  “Good. I turned in my history paper—finally.”

  “That thing was longer than the bible.”

  I released an irritated sigh. “You’re telling me. Thank you, Wikipedia.”

  He chuckled. “Imagine what it was like to go to college without the Internet.”

  I kept a straight face. “I wouldn’t have gone.”

  The gloom started to fade away. “I’d definitely reconsider it.”

  The bell overhead rang again and someone walked inside. “Well, I should get back to work.”

  He continued to stare at me like he had something to say.

  I patiently waited for him to spit it out.

  Hawke seemed to change his mind because he walked away without saying another word.

  ***

  A week later, at 11:30 in the evening, my phone vibrated with a text message.

  You awake?

  I knew this moment would come. I’d been waiting for it to happen. Every time I was alone with Hawke, he had a look in his eyes that told me he wanted to talk about that night but didn’t know where to start. Then he quickly abandoned the attempt and talked about a different subject that was completely irrelevant.

  But now he was ready to talk.

  Are you outside?

  Yes.

  Be there in a second.

  I pulled on my pajama shorts and put on a bra under my tank top. I didn’t bother fixing my hair or throwing make up on my face. He’d seen me like this many times.

  The second I opened the door, the chilly air moved inside. It burned my warm skin the second it touched me.

  Hawke stood outside wearing a hoodie and jeans. His breath escaped his nose as he breathed slowly. His blue eyes were glued to me like they needed to look at me in order to go on.