by Sarah Riad
‘Your brother?’ Theo said in shock.
‘Honey, you mean Alex?’ Mum said sitting back on the heels of her feet.
Dad nodded as both Theo and I gave each other a look. What else didn’t we know about this family?
‘I didn’t tell you everything Cait, I’m sorry,’ he said shaking his head. ‘Alex and AB had gone to this party and gotten really drunk when Alex called the house asking for me to pick them up. It was two in the morning. I was tired from being at work, but he begged and pleaded. He didn’t want AB to go home alone. So I agreed, but I was so angry at him. He always did this—went out to all these stupid parties, got drunk, and expected me to pick him up just because I was his older brother. I got into the car and went to get them. Everything was fine as they sat in the back. The roads were clear, so I was probably speeding a little, but nothing major. Out of nowhere these lights blinded me. I swerved to get out of the way, but I lost control of the car…’ He paused as mum wiped her eyes.
I didn’t know where to look. The state my dad was in made chest ache all while my stomach churned. None of us, except maybe Mum, had ever seen my Dad cry.
‘The ambulance came, but they were too late. She had already gone. Alex died shortly after her in the hospital.’
‘Oh god,’ Mum said covering her mouth. ‘Jack, why didn’t you tell me all of this when I asked before?’
‘I couldn’t. How could I? How could someone want to be with someone who killed his brother and his brother’s girlfriend?’ He sobbed uncontrollably.
‘But you didn’t kill them, Jack. It wasn’t your fault,’ Cait said, stroking his head while hugging it to her chest.
‘What was the bright light?’ Theo asked in the corner. His face was as white as a sheet.
‘It was another car. The driver was a kid from the party, too, and he was completely out of his face. He had left his full beam lights on.’
I stood frozen to the spot as my dad looked up at me. ‘Finn, I am so sorry.’
‘So, this AB is real?’ Theo asked.
AB answered for herself. ‘Yeah, she is.’
Theo’s eyes widened as he looked around the room in panic. ‘Who said that?’
‘I heard that too,’ my mum said, also looking around.
‘It’s her. That’s AB,’ I said.
‘Wow, so everyone can finally hear me?’ AB said with a hint of fear in her voice, ‘Jack, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble tonight and I really didn’t think you’d blame Finn for this.’
‘Wait a second.’ Theo stood up and paced the room back and forth. ‘How is this even possible?’
‘Theo, we will get to the Q&A a bit later, but I am just in the middle of something right now, ok?’ AB said, causing me to snort as I wiped my face.
‘Jack, I don’t blame you for what happened to me and Alex, in fact, I don’t blame anyone. I have had a long time to come to terms with it, and now I just want to go. I spoke with a psychic, and she believes I am stuck here because of you. Because of all that blame you carry, but I need you to stop. You’re keeping me trapped, Jack, and really, it’s time for me to go. I need you to accept my forgiveness and forgive yourself. Please, Jack, I am begging you.’ AB’s voice trembled.
‘But how can I? I robbed you of your life. If only I had concentrated more, or wasn’t driving so fast, then maybe I could have controlled the car better. Not a day has gone past where I haven’t replayed that day in my head and wished with all my might that something had happened to me too. How is it fair that I came away unharmed?’ Dad sobbed into Mum’s arms and suddenly it made sense why he had been so stressed whenever he had to drive. He would always leave the house hours before he needed so that he could avoid traffic. He wouldn’t even start the car if you didn’t have your seatbelt on.
‘Jack, we should have never gotten that drunk, we shouldn’t have called you at 2 a.m. to pick us up when you were tired. It was as much as our own fault as it was yours, but ultimately, none of us were the one with the full beam lights on. It was their fault, not ours. I don’t know where Alex is, but I know he would think the same. He adored you so much Jack, he looked up to you in ways I don’t think you ever knew. He would always tell me that one day he would become just like his brother. So please, Jack, stop punishing yourself and let us go,’ AB said as my dad nodded hopelessly.
‘I am so sorry, AB. I am so, so sorry,’ my dad said as a warm tear fell down my cheek.
‘I know. I am too.’
33
Ab
I had imagined the moment that I would finally pass over a million and one times. It always involved a bright light appearing as I said my goodbyes, ready to go wherever it is I would next end up. All my worries and concerns would be washed away, along with all the fear and anger I had built up over the years. I would at long last be in complete and utter peace.
But that didn’t happen.
It didn’t matter that I had spent that evening trying to convince Jack that he needn’t feel bad anymore. It didn’t matter how much I told him that I had forgiven him. He simply couldn’t forgive himself, and so that was it. My chance of walking into a light and finding peace was fast becoming a distant dream. It seemed I was destined to stay trapped in this house like a root stuck in mud.
Hours had passed since the revelation and slowly Cait, Jack, and Theo had taken to their bedrooms to digest everything that had been unearthed. Cait had discovered her partner’s involvement in his brother’s death—the death of a brother that Theo and Finn had no idea existed. Jack had revisited his past. A past that he had allowed to grow into a mass of toxic poison, causing him to become distant and unapproachable over the years. And to complete the messy cake, three of the four of them had discovered a real ghost was wandering the halls.
It had been a long night, one that would welcome the offering of sleep, but Finn had no interest.
He hadn’t spoken to me since it had all come out. As I wrote the letter hours before, I knew there was a chance that Finn would be disappointed that I hadn’t told him the truth about his dad, but as he clenched his jaw and reread the letter for the millionth time, I knew he was more than disappointed. He was angry.
‘Hey, Finn. You should probably try and get some sleep,’ I said, sitting beside him on the sofa.
He remained silent. The room was in complete darkness with only the full moon to lend some light.
‘Finn?’ I said again but this time as a whisper before he slowly began to shake his head.
‘I’m such an idiot,’ he said.
‘No, you’re not, why would you say that?’ I said, inching closer to him.
‘This whole time I believed you. You told me you’d always be there for me, but you were lying.’
I had been so worried about Finn’s reaction to the contents of the letter that I hadn’t even realised that he would learn what my plan had actually been.
‘Finn,’ I said, not entirely sure of what else to say.
‘You couldn’t even tell me. You had to have me find out in a letter that was meant for my dad. Would you have ever told me? I mean, what would have happened if my dad had kept the letter? Were you just going to disappear and never let me or Maia know?’ Finn was on his feet yelling at me as his face grew a deeper shade of red.
‘Finn, it’s not like that. Firstly, we don’t even know if any of this is even possible so why tell you something that I wasn’t sure would actually happen?’ I wanted to touch him—reassure him that I was still here but instead I just stood there.
‘Because we’re supposed to be friends. Or at least I thought we were.’ He allowed the letter to fall from his hands onto the floor.
‘We are friends, Finn.’
He snorted. ‘No, we’re not.’
‘Finn,’ I called as he walked towards the stairs, leaving me standing in the middle of the room with my letter beside me.
‘I don’t know why I expected anything different, really,’ he said as he stopped with one foot on the step. His eyes shi
fted to one side and became glazed by a layer of tears. As he blinked, they fell onto his cheek and slid past his nose to the corners of his mouth. ‘Everyone always leaves me. I’m not even good enough for a ghost.’
He bit his lip tightly in an attempt to hide any other sounds that wanted to escape from his mouth as my heart sank.
‘Finn,’ I said again, but this time he continued to walk up the stairs and out of sight.
My head was spinning after Finn’s reaction. Suddenly I was overthinking it all. I couldn’t decide if leaving was even a good idea anymore—not that it seemed even possible right now.
I reached out for the house phone while Mitzi tucked herself closer to me. I stared at it for a few minutes thinking of calling my gran to hear her voice. Sitting there alone, I wanted nothing more than to see my gran, climb into her lap, and cry so she could gently stroke my hair. No matter what was happening when I was alive, I knew that if I was with my gran everything would be ok. This was something I was desperate to feel right now.
I didn’t call my gran, mainly because I couldn’t remember the last three digits of her number, but also because now was definitely not the time to drag her into this. Instead, I emailed Lea. She was a stranger, and yet she was also the only person that I knew would understand everything that was going on.
I waited for a few minutes after I had hit send on my email, looking at the clock that read twelve minutes past midnight before she replied back.
Yes, I am here. It’s nice to hear from you, I was just nursing a headache over a cup of warm tea. How can I help, Aubree?
I told her everything—the letter, Jack’s reaction, and everything about Finn.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. If there is a possibility to move on, then I want to go. At the same time, I don’t want to leave Finn. I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him.
I was unsure if I felt better or worse having let it all out.
Aubree, the fact of the matter is you shouldn’t be here at all. When Jack finally comes to find peace, you’ll have no say on whether you go or not. Earth is no place for a wandering soul. All you can decide now is whether you help Jack come to find that peace sooner rather than later. Eventually you will leave. No one will be able to stop that.
‘But what about Finn?’ I whispered as I typed the words, remembering the sadness on his face.
Finn is a great friend of yours, I can see that. You care about him, and it’s obvious he feels the same way, but he doesn’t understand the reality of your existence. If he is your friend, then all he needs is time. He’ll figure this all out for himself. Sometimes, friendship requires a little sacrifice, if you know it will help someone to be happier.
Finn was my friend, but I couldn’t ever see him understanding why I wanted to go. For him, I was just another person to let him down. I was someone he had opened up to, allowed his walls to come down, only to have me walk away anyway.
I can come tomorrow. Perhaps I might be able to help Jack, but I can’t make any promises that it will change anything. You can’t force someone to find peace, Aubree, he will find it when only he is ready.
We ended our email exchange, and I sunk back into the sofa wishing time away, just like I used to before Finn and his family moved in.
I thought about Finn and the differences I had seen in him since the day he had arrived. He had come so far. I then remembered the night of the party and his drunken confession. Neither of us had mentioned it since—I wasn’t even sure if he could remember what he said—but it didn’t matter.
I was no good for him.
I thought my friendship was helping him, but in reality, it was counteractive. It’s not normal to be friends with a ghost, and it’s definitely not normal to confess your love for one.
Lea was right, friendships sometimes do require sacrifice, but it wasn’t Finn that had to do the sacrificing, it was me.
We were all sitting in the living room when Lea arrived, except for Finn who hadn’t left his room since he had locked himself in it the night before.
Theo excused himself out of the house with Maia in his arms as Cait gave him a thankful smile.
Jack sat on the sofa with both his arms and legs crossed, avoiding both Cait and Lea’s eyes.
‘I understand this is a very difficult time for you all, and I’ve only come to try and help. If you feel at any point that I have outstayed my welcome or have crossed boundaries, then please do say,’ Lea said to Jack, but gave me a comforting smile.
‘From what I understand, Jack, you are having a hard time moving past the accident resulting in the death of Aubree and your brother, Alex. I think that what might help is if you explain to me what happened that night. Every little detail. I know this will be painful but it’s very necessary at this point.’
Cait took hold of Jack’s hand.
He went on to tell the same story he had shared the night before, but this time, he was doing his best not to appear upset.
‘Jack, when you climbed out of the car, tell me, what could you see?’ Lea asked calmly.
‘The street was poorly lit, but the beam from the driver’s car was still so bright. There was glass everywhere and a lot of debris from the cars,’ he replied as though the scene was right in front of him.
‘And where were Alex and Aubree?’
Jack roughly rubbed his forehead. ‘Alex was in the car, but AB was on the ground, at least a few feet away from the car. She hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt and had gone through the front window.’
I watched as Cait closed her eyes. I let my mind wander for a moment. If I had worn a seat belt, would thing have been different?
‘She was laying there all by herself, struggling to breathe in a pool blood, and all I kept thinking was how scared she must have been. She was dying all by herself. I saw the final moment where she was fighting to stay alive, fighting to breathe, but I didn’t get up to help her. I stayed with Alex, but I could have gone to her. Then it was like she just gave up. I’ll never forget watching a tear roll down her cheek. I see her face every day. I see that tear, and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. It suffocates me. I could have at least been there with her when she died. It was my fault she died, and I couldn’t even be there for her.’ As he trailed off, my eyes fell to the ground, remembering the moment as though it were happening all over again.
‘And how was Alex at that point?’ Lea asked causing Jack to bite onto his bottom lip.
‘He was in a bad way. He had stopped breathing a few times and was bleeding a lot.’
‘What were you doing?’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked beginning to pick at the skin around his nails, just like Finn did when he was feeling uneasy.
‘Well, were you holding Alex? Were you on the phone to the ambulance? What were you doing when Aubree was dying?’
‘I had pulled Alex out of the car to give him CPR.’ A lone tear fell from the corner of his eye as I pictured Alex lying there on the cold floor.
‘So, you feel guilty for being the driver of the car when the accident happened, though we know the accident was caused by a drunk driver. You feel guilty for not being with Aubree as she died, but you were also in the midst of trying to keep your own brother from facing the same fate. Jack?’ Lea said as his eyes fell to the ground, ‘Jack?’ she said again as his eyes met hers. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong. If that had been my brother, I would have done the same thing. So would have Cait, so would have your children. He was your little brother.’
Cait wiped her damp cheek as Jack began to softly sob.
‘When did he die?’ I asked causing all three faces to look around for me with only Lea finding me.
Jack cleared his throat and straightened up. ‘A few hours later. He was rushed into surgery but shortly after coming out, his heart stopped.’
‘Jack, were your parents there at the hospital?’ Lea asked as I went silent again, wishing I could see Alex’s face clearly in my memories.
‘Yes.’
>
‘Jack, by helping your brother on the street, you may have been the reason why he made it to the hospital which meant your parents got the chance to say goodbye.’ Lea smiled warmly at him, but Jack lowered his head.
‘It didn’t matter. After that day, they were never the same to me again. I could see it in their faces. He was the apple of their eye. He was loved by everyone, and I had taken that away from them, leaving them with just me.’
‘You may not believe in what I do for a living, but I connect with the dead every day and I know when I can feel resentment and anger. Jack, when I reach out to your family, including Alex, I feel nothing but love. They don’t blame you. I can promise you that. They love you and want you to stop torturing yourself just like your family here want you to do the same,’ Lea said.
Jack’s face was red and damp from his heavy sobs. Cait wasn’t dissimilar as I stayed rooted to the stairs. I had been wondering if Alex was on the other side and if I would get to see him again.
‘I hope you allow yourself one day to forgive yourself, Jack, not just for that sweet girl but for the younger Jack that’s inside you. They both need to move on,’ Lea said before we said our goodbyes.
There was still no light. No special feeling.
Nothing.
A few days had passed since Lea’s visit and the house had become a shell of its former self. It felt like the house had become full of ghosts with everyone passing each other like ships in the night. No one knew what to do or say, including me. I had stayed away from them all except the occasional visit to Maia who didn’t know what was going on but knew it wasn’t the right time to ask. I had gone to see Finn a few times but there was nothing I could say. At least nothing he would want to hear, so I kept myself in the library.
This time, not even the books could help me pass the time.
