Not Pretending Anymore

by Penelope Ward

  “Still being the operative word. Meaning it’s happened multiple times?”

  “Yup.” He sighed.

  “I would so pay to see that.” I laughed.

  Declan swiped a chunk of frosting off of his bowl cut and smeared it on the tip of my nose. We both started cracking up. I was relieved. Despite him ending our texts abruptly last night, it seemed things were all good between us.

  CHAPTER 10

  * * *

  Declan

  My birthday turned out better than I’d expected. I hadn’t planned to say anything about it, but thanks to my sisters, Molly and I devoured half that cake. Then she insisted on taking me out, so we went to the Italian place on the corner. We had a great time, but then again, I always did with Molly. It had been not quite a month since I’d moved in, but she’d become a good friend. Molly was funny, bright, and easy to talk to.

  The following day at work, Julia was acting a little odd. She seemed spacey and not really attentive to the presentation one of our managers had flown in to give.

  As we exited a conference room that afternoon, I asked her about it.

  “Everything okay with you?”

  She hesitated then said, “Bryant and I broke up.”

  Her announcement stopped me in my tracks.

  “What happened?”

  Julia blew out a breath. “I decided to just nip it in the bud. If I didn’t want to be with him exclusively, there was something wrong, right? Even if I couldn’t pinpoint it?”

  Still trying to process, I nodded. “Yeah. I’d have to agree. You shouldn’t feel trapped in a relationship. You should want to be there. That person should be all you think about. You shouldn’t want to be with anyone else.”

  “Exactly. So...that was my revelation last night. I decided to call him early this morning and tell him. If I’ve been a little out of it today, it’s because I feel sad that I hurt him, even though it’s a huge weight off my chest.”

  “I bet.”

  This was a weird feeling. I’d waited for Julia to break up with her boyfriend for the longest time. But now I didn’t know how to react.

  “What now?” I asked.

  She batted her lashes. “I don’t know. You tell me. How should I mark this occasion?”

  “I think we should have a drink. Or two.”

  Always the opportunist, Declan.

  She smiled. “That sounds awesome. I want to go home and change first, though, if that’s okay. It’s been a long day.”

  “Yeah. That’s cool. I’ll do the same. I can pick you up at seven at your place?”

  “Perfect.”

  For someone who’d just broken up with her boyfriend, Julia seemed to perk up pretty fast.

  ***

  Molly was getting ready for her date with Dr. Small Willy when I got back to the apartment. My reaction the other night when she told me he’d asked her out had been a surprise. There had definitely been a vibe between us since the night she’d dressed up in that fuck-hot outfit to make Julia jealous. But I don’t think I realized the shift had to do with my feelings for her until that text.

  But it didn’t matter if her date made me jealous. Nothing could happen between Molly and me. She was getting what she wanted with Will, and soon enough, we’d be living on different coasts.

  I stood in the doorway as Molly applied her makeup. Once again she had on those long lashes. The red dress she wore tonight was even sexier than the black one she’d had on last time.

  “Will is going to freak when he sees you.”

  She jumped. “You scared me.”

  “Sorry.” I took a few steps into her room.

  “I didn’t think you’d be home so early,” she said.

  “Well, our meeting ended early, so Julia and I skipped out of work. I’m picking her up later to get drinks.”

  She puckered her lips as she applied lipstick. “God, her boyfriend can’t be too happy that she spends so much time with you.”

  “Well, funny you say that...”

  She closed the lipstick tube and turned around. “What?”

  “She broke up with him.”

  Molly’s eyes widened. “She did?”

  “Yup.”

  She paused. “Holy crap.”

  “I know, right? It’s strange that you and I both got what we wanted at almost the same time.”

  Molly’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I mean… Jeez. What are the chances, right?” She blew out a breath. “You must be happy.”

  I lay back on her bed and put my hands behind my head as I stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. It’s kind of weird.”

  “How so?”

  “I’ve wanted her for so long, and now that the biggest obstacle is out of the way...it just kind of...doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.”

  “I get what you mean. Same thing happened when Will asked me out. It wasn’t as climactic as I might have imagined.”

  I turned to look at her, and my gaze traveled down to the sexy shoes she wore. Clearing my throat, I said, “Anyway... It’s all good, right?”

  Our eyes locked for a few seconds.

  “Yup.” She smiled. “All good.”

  I changed the subject. “How’s your dad?”

  Her expression darkened as she sat at the edge of the bed. “I spoke to him today. He didn’t sound too great, to be honest. His voice was really hoarse. I’m getting scared.”

  Shit. “Try to think positive. I know it’s hard, but an optimistic outlook is better for everyone. Your dad will feel a lot better if he doesn’t think you’re down about him.”

  “I know. It’s just so hard.” Tears began to form in her eyes. “Losing him is a real possibility. And I don’t think I’ve fully grasped that.”

  This was my fault; I’d brought up the subject.

  Sitting up, I moved in closer, wiping the tears from her eyes with my thumb. “I’m sorry, Mollz. I wish I could do something. I’d take the pain away if I could.”

  “Thank you.” She wiped her eyes. “I started seeing a therapist.”

  “Really? You didn’t tell me you were thinking of that. Good for you.”

  “Well, strangely, it was the knowledge that my father had been going to therapy that gave me the courage to do it.”

  “I’m proud of you. When did you start?”

  “Just this week. I told her what Dad’s therapist said about my need for perfection. She agreed that the fact that those behaviors started after my dad left could mean there’s a correlation. She wants me to practice letting go gradually of some of those habits as a way of accepting that there’s no real control in life. She says that will also help my acceptance of his illness.”

  “Like, what is she asking you to do?”

  “That’s the thing—she didn’t suggest anything specific. I have to identify where I’m being controlling or seeking perfection and create my own exercises.” She tilted her head. “You got any ideas?”

  “I’m sure I could come up with something.” I went with my first instinct, getting up off the bed and opening her top drawer.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Helping you.”

  Without looking at the contents, I grabbed the clothes inside and tossed them into the air. Unfortunately, something that wasn’t clothing landed on the ground with the rest of the stuff—a fucking vibrator.

  I lifted it off the ground. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I never—”

  She held out her hand. “Give me that, please.”

  “I obviously didn’t—”

  “I know you didn’t know. Just give it to me.”

  Brushing off my hands, I announced, “I think that was enough of an exercise for this week.”

  “Yeah. I’d have to agree.” She turned pink. “This one is good for a month!”

  I wondered if I’d be able to think about anything else tonight besides Molly massaging her clit with that rubber dick.

  CHAPTER 11

  * * *

  Molly

 
Will stood up from his seat as I entered Mykonos restaurant. “You look amazing, Molly.”

  “Thank you,” I said, leaning in and accepting a kiss on the cheek.

  Will looked great in a blue, collared shirt and khaki pants. It was always nice to see him out of his scrubs.

  Sitting down, I took the napkin in front of me and placed it on my lap. “I’ve always wanted to try this place.”

  He took a whiff of the air. “You can smell that the food is going to be amazing, can’t you?”

  “Yeah, my stomach is growling.”

  “You know…” he said. “I’m actually a quarter Greek.”

  “No way!” I smiled.

  The crowded restaurant was bustling. A band got ready to play in the corner, and the smell of garlic, mint, and other spices saturated the air. It was a delight for the senses. But mostly my eyes and ears were focused on the handsome doctor across from me.

  Will ordered the moussaka, and I got a Greek salad with grilled chicken. We made easy conversation over the next hour. He shared some of his craziest labor stories, and we compared notes on our experiences working with certain colleagues. There was definitely no shortage of things to talk about, and I started to think there could definitely be a future for Will and me if every night were like tonight.

  From time to time, my mind would drift to Declan, though. Knowing he was out with Julia for the first time since her breakup was definitely on my mind. I wondered if they were truly compatible, or if it was mainly about “the get” for him. I supposed only time would tell.

  At one point, Will changed the subject, and it transformed the mood of the entire night.

  “So, confession...” he said, wiping his mouth with the blue cloth napkin.

  Fidgeting in my seat, I said, “Okay...”

  “I’ve had a massive crush on you for some time.”

  Feeling my cheeks heat, I said, “Wow. Well, thank you. I’ve definitely admired you as well.”

  “As you probably know, I just got out of a relationship,” he added.

  “Yup. I’m aware.”

  “Part of the reason that relationship ended is because she wanted something I couldn’t give her right now.”

  I swallowed. “What was that?”

  “Well, she wanted a bigger commitment sooner rather than later, ultimately marriage and kids.”

  “Oh.” A knot began to form in my stomach. “You...don’t want those things?”

  “Not any time in the near future. But besides that, she just wasn’t right for me.”

  Even though the restaurant was noisy, somehow everything seemed drowned out in that moment.

  “I see...”

  He continued, “One of the things that attracted me to you was your carefree philosophy on dating. You know, you don’t seem to want anything too serious right away. I need time to breathe after that relationship. So it felt safe to ask you out.”

  Safe? I nodded, needing a moment to let this sink in.

  What attracted him to me was the fact that I was dating someone else? That was the reason he asked me out?

  Not my personality.

  Not our common interests.

  But the fact that I would let him date other people?

  Trying to keep my cool, I finally said, “Ah, I see.”

  “I hope you don’t mind me being honest. I realize it’s only our first date, but I believe in full disclosure.”

  Forcing a smile, I said, “Yeah...well... I do appreciate your honesty.”

  “Thank you. And I appreciate you being honest with me. That was what finally made me take the plunge and do something I’d wanted to do for a long time.”

  The food turned in my stomach. It felt like this was over before it even began. To say I was disappointed wouldn’t even cover half of what I felt.

  Then again, this was my fault, right? I had given him the impression that I didn’t want anything serious.

  After we left the restaurant, I was just about to head over to my Uber when Will wrapped his hands around my cheeks and pulled me in for a kiss. As he slipped his tongue inside my mouth, I could only think how different it felt than I’d imagined. It felt good, but nothing like it might have if he hadn’t squelched my hopes tonight. It made me realize more than ever that I truly did want to find a partner—my person. The question was, would I casually date Will in the hopes that his attitude might change as we got to know each other? I felt like I needed Declan’s take on this.

  When I got back to the apartment, though, my roommate wasn’t there. That was no surprise. I knew he had plans with Julia. I just wished his night had also ended early, so I could talk to him.

  It was almost 2AM when the door finally latched open.

  I got up from the couch. “Hey.”

  Immediately, I noticed it. Declan’s hair was all messed up, and he had lipstick on his mouth. I was unprepared for the level of jealousy that hit me.

  “Hey.” He flashed a crooked smile.

  “Looks like you had a good evening.”

  “It was alright. Why do you say that?”

  “Go look at yourself in the mirror.”

  Declan walked over to the mirror in the hallway. “Oh shit. Yeah.”

  “I take it Julia needed consoling because of her breakup?” I huffed.

  He wiped his lips. “We got a little drunk and made out in the cab.”

  Feeling hot, I cracked, “Wow. She moves fast, huh?”

  Rather than address that, he asked, “How was your date?”

  Somehow, I felt weird complaining now. Not that this was a competition, but I didn’t want to stress how lame my date had been compared to his—which had clearly gone well.

  So, I downplayed my disappointment. “It was okay. We went to that new Greek place, Mykonos.”

  “Was it good?”

  “Yeah. The food was delicious.”

  “Cool.” He paused to look at me, then narrowed his eyes. “You okay?”

  Apparently I wasn’t doing a good job of seeming nonchalant. My emotions were all over the place, and I needed to go to bed, call this day over.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yup.” I forced a smile. “Gonna hit the sack. Super tired.”

  Declan didn’t move from his spot as he watched me move toward my room.

  “’Night, Mollz,” he called after me.

  I turned one last time and smiled. “Goodnight.”

  ***

  Over the next couple of days, I didn’t cross paths much with Declan. He’d been spending more time out—probably with Julia. Due to a scheduling change, I’d worked the past two days but had Friday off.

  I woke up to find a note:

  TGIF! Happy day off, roomie. I made this pasta last night but ended up going out to dinner last minute. Have it for lunch “penalty free” on me. ;-)

  xo Declan

  For some reason, this simple note made my chest tight. It had been the longest week, and I missed him. It was fucked up how much.

  Deep down, I knew it was good to have these periods of time where I didn’t see him, because I was going to have to get used to it anyway once he left. It just sucked.

  ***

  Friday night, I met my co-workers for happy hour downtown. Will sat across from me, but you’d never have known we’d been out on a date recently. He hadn’t initiated going out again. And tonight, while he stole some flirtatious glances at me, he hadn’t come over to even kiss me on the cheek. Clearly he was keeping his options open.

  I wasn’t sure I would take him up on it if he asked me out again. Casual sex with Will Daniels wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but I didn’t want to waste time with someone who’d already written off the possibility of a relationship. So, if he asked me to hang out again, I’d have to see how I felt.

  My phone vibrated.

  Declan: I was hoping to catch you tonight. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.

  My heart fluttered.

&nbs
p; Molly: I’m at happy hour.

  Declan: With Will?

  Molly: Well, he’s here, but we’re not really together. It’s a bunch of people.

  Declan: What’s up with that?

  My first inclination was to be honest and tell him about the date. But the selfish part of me wanted an excuse to see Declan tonight and stick it to Will at the same time.

  Molly: I’m thinking I could use your presence here, if you don’t mind showing up.

  Declan: You mean as your “date”?

  Molly: I know you’re seeing Julia now, so no worries if you don’t feel comfortable with our previous agreement.

  The dots moved around as he typed.

  Declan: Julia is not my girlfriend. She’s not ready for that. We’re just having fun right now.

  Molly: So she won’t mind if I borrow you? ;-)

  My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for his response.

  Declan: I’ll be there in twenty.

  ***

  “Act surprised to see me,” Declan whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arm around my waist from behind. He moved his mouth to my cheek and planted a soft kiss.

  I turned in his arms. “Uh…Declan. You’re here. This is…a nice surprise.”

  He brushed a lock of hair from my face and smiled. “Is it? I hope you don’t mind me dropping by like this. You’d mentioned the other day you were coming here for happy hour. I was only a few blocks away and thought I’d surprise you.”

  “No, it’s fine. I’m glad you did.”

  I’d been standing next to my friend Emma, and I caught her mouth hanging open in my peripheral vision. It made sense, since I’d just finished catching her up about the date I’d had with Will, and now another man had his hands on me in an intimate way—another gorgeous man.

  “Umm. Declan…this is my friend Emma. We work together at the hospital.”