Not Pretending Anymore

by Penelope Ward

A half hour later, Will took me up to an exclusive rooftop restaurant—except there were no other people. There was just one table amidst a gorgeous setup of lanterns and little white lights around the space.

  “Will, what did you do?”

  He held out his hands. “It’s all ours for the night.”

  My mouth hung open. “How did you manage this?”

  “Let’s just say the owner has felt like he owed me one since I delivered his breech daughter.”

  “Wow. Who was that?”

  “Richard Steinberg—he owns Steinberg Financial and this restaurant. That delivery was actually a couple of years ago, and I never thought to take him up on it until I met someone special enough to bring here. The rooftop is reserved for private parties. And this is ours.”

  My heart fluttered. “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything, beautiful. Let’s just enjoy tonight.”

  I beamed as we settled into our seats at the candlelit table.

  After our waiter came by with waters, Will unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap. “How’s your father doing?”

  I frowned. “He could be better. I’ve been keeping tabs on him every day. Right now, he’s stable. But it’s mentally hard on him. As a fellow physician, I’m sure you can understand. He’s always felt like his job is to take care of other people, and now that he’s unable to do that—unable to even take care of himself—you can imagine how tough it is.”

  Will closed his eyes momentarily and shook his head. “I absolutely can, Molly, and you know, it’s very important that everyone rally around him right now. Distraction from his own mind is probably the best medicine. The last thing he should be feeling is inadequate. He needs all the strength he can get.”

  “I agree.”

  Will reached across the table to take my hand. “If there’s anything I can do for him, please let me know. If you’re not getting the answers you need, I know a lot of people.”

  “Thank you, Will. I appreciate that more than you know.”

  A short time later, the waiter brought the most delectable seafood I’d ever smelled to our table: king crab legs and lobster that had been taken out of the shell. From previous conversations, Will knew I loved seafood, so he must have preplanned the menu, considering we hadn’t even ordered.

  “This is the most romantic dinner I’ve ever had,” I told him as we dug in. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  His response was pretty abrupt. “Are you still seeing Declan?”

  Well, don’t beat around the bush. I had to make a split-second decision, and what felt best was relieving myself of the lie I’d created. “No. Actually, I’m not.”

  He exhaled. “That’s the answer I was hoping for.”

  “Really?” I broke open a crab leg.

  “Yes. Seeing you with him at the hospital got to me in a way I didn’t expect. It made me wonder why the hell I was wasting time and not telling you how I really feel.”

  I put down my crab and wiped my mouth. “Well, this is good timing, because I’ve been needing some guidance when it comes to me and you.”

  He came right out with it. “I don’t want to just date you anymore, Molly. I want to be exclusive.”

  Oh. Wow. “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

  “It’s not that sudden. I’ve had feelings for you for quite some time, long before we started seeing each other. I’ve realized my fears about commitment were entirely about me not having found the right person. The more time I spend with you, the more I’m certain I don’t want to share you.”

  After taking a long sip of water, I said, “I have to admit, I’m surprised this is what you want so soon.”

  “I get that. I told you early on that I didn’t want anything serious—”

  “Right. I guess I’m still not quite sure about your change of heart.”

  He nodded. “There’s nothing like the threat of losing someone to push your heart in the right direction. If it’s not this Declan guy, it will be someone else. I know a good thing when I see it. You deserve to be cherished. I want to be that man. I don’t want you to have any hesitation about being with me because you think I’m interested in dating other people. I’m not. I’m only interested in you.” He paused. “Will you be with me exclusively?”

  Needing a moment, I looked up at the gorgeous lanterns hanging above us. This was something I’d been waiting for, yet I wanted time to process before committing to him.

  “This is a lot to take in. I really like you, Will. I think we have a lot in common, and I’m very attracted to you. I’m just a little surprised.”

  “I understand.”

  “I know this is probably not the answer you were hoping for, but can I have a little time to mull it over?”

  “Of course. I’ve had several days to think about it, so it’s only fair that you should have the same.”

  CHAPTER 18

  * * *

  Declan

  I loved messing with my sister when I called her at the convent. “How’s the sex, drugs, and rock and roll?”

  “Oh you know, the usual…”

  “When I get home, the first thing I’m gonna do is come see you,” I said.

  “As long as you don’t try to taint Sister Mary Jane like you did last time.”

  “Come on. That was fun, and you know it.”

  She sighed. “What’s going on? Something’s up. You don’t normally call me in the middle of the day.”

  “You know me so well, Sister-Sister.”

  “Talk to me.”

  Sitting on the couch, I kicked my legs up. “Okay. I told you about the girl I’m living with last time we spoke, right?”

  “Yeah. Molly, is it? You guys still getting along?”

  Where do I begin? I spent the next several minutes telling Catherine about my complicated relationship with Molly and the games we’d played with Will and Julia. I wrapped up the story with the half-drunk conversation we’d had a week ago.

  “So you were honest with each other about your feelings,” she said. “Why is that a bad thing?”

  “Well, I didn’t tell you about the week she was away.”

  “Okay…”

  “Long story short, she went to stay at her dad’s for a week after he got out of the hospital. While she was gone I…had a hard time.”

  “You mean you missed her?”

  “No, I mean… I sort of had a new episode.”

  “Oh no, Declan. What happened?”

  “Nothing. I just spent a couple of days in bed. I had to call out of work and stuff. But eventually I called Dr. Spellman.”

  “Okay, good. Did that help?”

  “He adjusted my meds, and I think it did.”

  “Alright, well, that’s good. I’m sorry it happened, but I’m glad you recognized it and dealt with it. It sounds like you handled things well. How did Molly take coming home and seeing you like that?”

  “She didn’t… Well, not really, anyway. I did my best to pull myself together. I’d been starting to feel a little better by then, anyway, and I knew she needed to talk to me about her dad, who’s really sick. But she could definitely tell something was off, because she kept asking me what was wrong.”

  “Are you afraid to tell her, Declan?”

  “It wasn’t the right time to get into it. I ended up drinking a little, and it didn’t mix well with my medications, which lowered my inhibitions, and that’s when we had the conversation about sex.”

  “Oh my.” She laughed. “Well, you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. You know that.”

  I sighed. “The thing is, Cat, I know turning a blind eye to these feelings for Molly is the right thing to do. The distance thing—me living in California and her being here in Chicago—is definitely an issue, but I made it seem like distance was the main reason we couldn’t be together. Deep down, I know that’s not it. It’s more the fact that I haven’t told her anything about the messed-up stuff that sometimes goes on in my
head.”

  Her voice grew louder. “You’re not messed up, okay? So get that terminology out of your mind. You have some dark patches periodically that you need to get through. And you also worry way too much about what it could mean in the future, how it relates to Mom. And that cripples you. You’re not our mom. Please don’t let your fears derail things if you really like this girl.”

  “After my conversation with her, the minute I got back to my room, all I wanted was to talk myself out of my fears. Like, what if I could somehow make it work? Why does it have to be so hard?”

  “It sounds like you want to make it work. But let me ask you something, Declan. You had a thing for the woman you worked with, and you’ve had girlfriends over the last few years. Did you avoid relationships with them because of your situation?”

  “No, but that was different.”

  “And why was it different?”

  “Because… This is Molly. I don’t want her to get hurt.”

  “Exactly. I think that says a lot about how you must feel about her. You want what’s best for her over what’s best for you.”

  “Yes, so that’s why I need you to talk some sense into me. I need you to say, ‘Declan, this girl is going through a rough time. She doesn’t need your mental baggage on top of everything. Not to mention, you’re dating the girl you’ve been chasing for a year who doesn’t seem to require a commitment. Don’t turn everyone’s lives upside down by messing around with your roommate.’”

  Catherine sighed. “But she’s more than just a roommate, isn’t she?”

  I thought for a moment. “More than anything, she’s a good friend. And that’s the other part of this that’s so hard. I care about her so much and don’t want to cause her complications by pursuing this. But I just—”

  “You can’t help how you feel.”

  “Apparently not.”

  “How would you feel if your boss told you that you had to return to California immediately—like, this second? Leave everything in Chicago behind and never return.”

  That was easy. “It would really suck. I’d be devastated.”

  “Do you think you’re gonna feel any different when you leave in a few months?”

  Letting out a long breath, I said, “Probably not.”

  “Then maybe you need to reassess. If you have real feelings for this girl, you need to listen to them. And you need to tell her about your fears, about all the things you think she can’t handle.”

  Catherine wasn’t helping. She was usually a very reasonable person. That’s why I’d called her and not one of my other sisters. But today she’d gone all listen-to-your-feelings on me.

  “I guess I don’t trust myself, Cat. Maybe she’d be better off with that jerk doctor. I’m a loose cannon and certainly not good at serious relationships. That’s what she wants.”

  “How would you know you’re not good at them if you’ve never had one?”

  “Why do you ask tough questions?”

  “That’s my job! To make you think when your head seems stuck in your ass.”

  “Are nuns supposed to say ass?”

  “Every time you call me, I nearly get myself kicked out of this place.”

  “Well, your little brother will always take you in, even when the Big Man won’t have you anymore.”

  She laughed. “Remember that game we used to play where I’d throw out a single word, and you’d have to answer with the first word that came to mind?”

  “Yeah?”

  “That’s a good way to assess your true feelings on things. A one-word association tells a lot. Let’s play right now. Ready?”

  I was never one to refuse a game. “Okay. Ready.”

  Catherine started. “Chicago.”

  “Pizza.”

  “Dad.”

  “Old Spice.”

  “That’s two words,” she said.

  “Sue me.” I laughed.

  Catherine continued. “Advertising.”

  That was easy. “Lies.”

  “Beer.”

  “Buzzed.”

  “Nun.”

  “Catherine.”

  “Declan.”

  “Screwed.” I chuckled.

  “Ocean.”

  “Home.”

  “Julia.”

  “Pretty.”

  “Mom.”

  “Belt.”

  Catherine paused. “Belt?”

  “That one time I ran away, she whooped my ass. Never forgot it. So yeah, belt.”

  “Coffee.”

  “Life.”

  “Sister.”

  “Scooter.”

  “Chocolate.”

  “Lick.”

  “I don’t even want to know what you’ve been up to that triggered that association.”

  “Something you haven’t been up to, dear sister.”

  She laughed and said, “Molly.”

  “Mine.”

  Shit. Mine? That was the first thing that came to mind for Molly?

  “Hmmm…” Catherine chuckled.

  “Alright. Alright. I know what you’re thinking.”

  “You do, huh?”

  “You’re thinking I’m an idiot for even needing to have this discussion.”

  “Look,” she said, “I’m the last person to be giving advice on romantic relationships. But this does seem obvious to me. You care for her. That should trump everything else.”

  Then, of course, there was Julia. I sighed. “I care for Julia, too, but in a different way, I guess. I don’t want to hurt her, either.”

  “You didn’t call me to talk about Julia,” Catherine noted. “That says it all, my brother.”

  ***

  Molly and I had managed to avoid talking about anything for over a week. I knew she had to work Sunday night, so I was hoping to catch her before she left for her shift. That way if anything we said or did was awkward, she’d be away for twelve hours soon after.

  When I woke up Sunday morning, Molly was sleeping. Despite my nerves, I felt mentally better than I had in a while. I’d come out of the fog, and my energy was back, so I spent the day at the gym and running errands.

  When I returned to the apartment late in the afternoon, Molly wasn’t there. I wondered if she’d be coming home at all before she had to go to work. I took a shower, then not-so-patiently waited to find out.

  I still didn’t know what I was going to say to her, and I certainly didn’t know where she stood. I decided I’d respond to her based on the vibe she gave me. Maybe she would give me a signal. I’d let her talk first, and if she expressed any doubt about things, game over.

  I took advantage of the alone time and started writing down some of what I wanted to say on a notepad. I must have scratched out a hundred different things.

  Fuck it. Let’s just try.

  Scratch.

  I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.

  Scratch.

  Maybe we should take it day by day and see where it goes.

  Scratch.

  I’m crazy about you, Molly. So let’s just do this.

  Scratch.

  The door opened, and I shoved the notepad under my bed.

  I strolled out into the living room as if I hadn’t just been jotting down sweet nothings like a damn high schooler.

  “Hey! Long time no see.”

  “Yeah. It seems like it’s been forever,” Molly said. “Were you waiting for me?”

  Apparently, I wasn’t as casual as I thought. Who brought the fucking cool guy?

  “Yeah. I figured we could finish the talk we were having the other day.”

  She looked around, seeming nervous. “Okay. I’m just gonna take a quick shower and get into my scrubs. Then we’ll talk?”

  “Sounds good. Want me to brew some coffee? I know you like to drink it on the way to work.”

  “That would be great.”

  For the next several minutes, I sat in the kitchen, taking in the smell o
f freshly brewed coffee and hoping it would calm me down. But nothing could. When Molly walked out wearing her dark purple scrubs, I was no more ready to have this conversation than I’d been before.

  I bit the bullet. “You want to go first or shall I?”

  “I can go first,” she said, taking a seat across from me. “So, I think everything you said the other night made a lot of sense.”

  Uh-oh. The other night I’d pointed out all the reasons we were wrong for each other. Why did I do that?

  “You mentioned that you didn’t think you could give me anything long term and expressed concern about interfering in my relationship with Will.”

  I blew out a shaky breath. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

  What she said next jarred me. “Last week at dinner, Will asked me to be exclusive.”

  My heart sank. “He did?”

  “Yeah. It came as a shock, to be honest.”

  Feeling like the walls were caving in, I nodded in silence as she continued.

  “I told him I needed to think about it. But the more I think about what you said, the more I realize I should be realistic. Will is a good guy. I know you have your reservations about him. But that’s only because you care about me.”

  “Right,” I muttered.

  “Anyway... I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past several days. And I’m…gonna tell him yes. I think I might not have been able to make a decision if you hadn’t been so real with me. Whatever was happening between us would have held me back if we hadn’t had that conversation. So thank you for giving me what I needed to move on.”

  I was speechless.

  Utterly fucking speechless.

  Everything I’d planned to say clogged in my throat, ready to choke me. How could I put all that on her now? Jesus, this fucking sucked.

  Molly exhaled, as if getting all that out had been a relief. “What were you gonna say to me?”

  You could’ve heard a pin drop, and I could somehow hear my brain ticking in my head. I could be honest and throw her a curveball right now, or I could lie and give her the peace she deserved. I chose the latter, even though I knew I might regret it for the rest of my life.

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am that we’re on the same page. I won’t take back what I said about how I feel about you, but I think it’s best if we acknowledge it and move on. So, as much as I rag on Will, I’m happy for you. I truly am.”