Knowledge was powerful, and with that knowledge, I was bound to hurt her. Maybe even more than that dick of an ex had. I couldn’t do it to her or to myself.
“I’m here,” she whispered over and over.
“I never asked you to be.” I stood, helping her up as I did, and then walked back up the stairs. I had papers to sign, and then I wanted to get the hell out of here. Forget this place.
None of my friends stopped me as I walked away. They knew I needed space, and they would give it to me for some time.
Mia stayed until nightfall and then said good-bye. Her echoed voice hit me with a sense of longing.
I grabbed my half-drunken bottle from last night and promised myself that, when I woke in the morning, I would move on. The past was in the past, and there was nothing I could control about it now.
It was time to get on with my life and what I wanted to do with it.
That was exactly the way I woke up. Feeling like I’d shed my depressed skin, I started getting my shit ready to head back home. The house would be donated along with everything in it to charity, and I felt better that at least some part of this awful place for me would turn into a haven for someone else.
Callum and Tate packed their bags as well and went to send a message to Mia that we were leaving on the next flight out, but I stopped them.
Of course, they ignored me and did it anyway once we made it to the airport, both of them glaring at me with disappointment for how I’d been treating Mia since she showed up with them.
“Yeah, you know you’re fucking up with her,” Tate grumbled, thinking he knew what was inside my head.
He didn’t. Hell, even I didn’t.
“I’m moving on.”
“No, you’re running and afraid of being with Mia. Of being in love,” Callum piped up.
I shot him a glare of my own. He wasn’t far off the mark, but it didn’t mean I had to like it.
“She’s not going to let you go. She knows the real you and will be there to help pull you out of this shit-storm,” Tate added.
“I figured you’d be happy. Now, Mia is free game for you.” It was a low blow, a hit that I didn’t need to make.
Tate or Callum would never touch a woman that one of us had been with.
“You know, that sounds like a great plan. I bet that caramel-and-honey-colored hair of hers would look sexy as fuck, wrapped around my fist, while I pounded my dick into her from behind over and over. Her moans filling my ears instead of wasting them on yours.”
My muscles flexed, preparing for the beating I craved to give him for talking about Mia that way.
“Exactly. You can’t have it both ways, Logan. You either make it right with her or you let her go completely. Even if it means she’ll find someone else.”
“She deserves better anyway,” was my answer before I turned to look out the airplane window.
The flight home was tense from fighting with my friends and with thoughts of Mia trying to show me that love was worth sticking through it all for.
I’d have to end this. I’d have to let her think I had done something unworthy, so she’d let me go on her own.
I had ideas, but none of them were sitting right inside my stomach. So, I decided to cross that particular shaky bridge when I got there.
Chapter Fifty
Mia
Logan had been avoiding me for a week, but I hadn’t given up yet.
Tonight, I’d be meeting up with Callum, Tate, and Logan at the bar. Hopefully, we could talk some sense into him. To maybe get some help or talk to someone if he wouldn’t talk to us.
He had been so silent the last time I saw him sitting on his family’s floor.
Tate and Callum both had apologized over and over when they made it to the airport to leave Utah. I wasn’t mad at them. I was mad at the notion in Logan’s head that he thought giving us up would be better for the both of us. All of this was against everything good he’d taught me. But then again, something in him had broken. This Logan was not the smiling, easygoing version I was used to. This was a man who, according to his friends, had been married and that woman had tried to change everything about him, that he was never enough for her. Then, his parents, who never cared about him, and he felt like he was never enough for them either. Both sides had treated him like shit, and right now, he believed he wasn’t worth it.
Tink’s was busy when I arrived. The sounds of people singing and talking loudly hit me as soon as I opened the car door of my town car. My driver would be nearby in case I needed him, which I prayed hard that Logan wouldn’t push me away this time like last.
Putting a brave smile on my face, I opened the door to the bar, ready to help prove to Logan that he was enough just the way he was.
That smile faded as soon as my gaze found him, walking with a tall blonde, hand in hand, his eyes meeting mine before he leaned over to kiss her cheek. Then, his gaze returned to her just as he smiled that charismatic Logan grin at her, and together, they walked out the back of the bar toward the dark beach.
It could be nothing. She could just be a friend.
But everything in me refused to believe that.
My vision turned foggy, and all I saw were the images of Wallace pounding his dick into Hollis over and over when I’d come home early to see him. Her moans and his grunts were the sounds of a betrayer’s soundtrack playing in my head on repeat. The pain I’d felt then was happening again. That dropping sensation in my stomach, like that feeling of being on a roller coaster. I wanted to laugh as tears broke free instantly. I’d called Logan my very own roller coaster before, that he would scare me and thrill me at the same time. But I’d never thought his coaster would break me like he was currently doing.
The air seemed thinner despite the humidity soaking into my skin from the summer air. The walls were threatening to crush me as they closed in. I had to get out of here. I vaguely saw Callum and Tate stand, their eyes wide at me as they began rushing to my side. No, no, no. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t hear them make up an excuse for him like Wallace’s friends had done to me. Placing blame.
I ran out the door behind me and kept running. My heels made it difficult, but I didn’t stop.
I couldn’t fight back the memories of Wallace. It just kept running through me, like the waves crashing on the beach around me. I felt the undertow sweeping me away.
My driver was sitting a block away, waiting for me to call, and I was sure I was going to have to start paying for his blood pressure medications after the scare I gave him, banging on his door to unlock my side. He did instantly and was trying to see if I was hurt or if I needed to go to the hospital. But there was nothing he could do. My hurt was internal.
Those images of Wallace and Hollis turned into Logan and the blonde.
Her moans and her fingers scratching the tattoo on his arm, those long, tan legs wrapping around his perfect hips as he thrust into her without stopping. Never pausing to look back at me as my heart broke in two.
I couldn’t go home. I didn’t want to be in that place where he and I had christened memories of our own, mingled with that of Wallace’s.
So, I told my driver to take me to my parents’ house. My family had been there for me before even if I didn’t try to find comfort from them. This time was different. I knew I was loved, I knew I was enough, and I knew deep down that I would one day recover from this like I had before.
I was stronger now, but in this moment, I needed someone to lean on.
Gia was hanging out for dessert when I showed up. She took one look at me and slid the cheesecake pan over with a fork in her hand.
I took it and let the tears flow in silence while I ate away my emotions, banishing the agonizing images that were tearing me apart.
Logan’s smile.
My smile directed at another.
I had been there for him. I’d tried to tell him that he was enough, that I loved him despite the pain and hurt he was going through. That I’d be there, stick it out for
him, because we were worth it. But this … he had known I had a line from what had been done to me before. There was one thing I wouldn’t let happen again, the memories still there, the pain still lingering every now and then.
I’d thought I’d gotten it all out in my forgiveness letter, and I had. I’d felt free, and I didn’t even hate Wallace now. But just because you forgave didn’t mean the memories disappeared.
So, I took comfort in those who loved me and tried so hard to block out the vision of Logan and the blonde from my head.
Chapter Fifty-One
Logan
I helped my cousin Alexa into the taxi and waved her off as it drove away. She was in town and wanted to check in to see how I was doing after my parents passing. Alexa was one of the only cousins I had who wasn’t a dick. She’d left that side of the family and never looked back, but she had heard through the grapevine about what had occurred with mom and day, and happened to be in the area on a business trip.
When I walked back into the almost-empty bar to finish my drink, I was met with a wall of the three people who meant the most to me, glowering in my direction.
I knew what they wanted to say, what they knew I had done and disapproved.
“Fix it,” Tink stated, her arms crossed over her chest, possibly to keep from choking me.
I deserved it.
“It’s too late now.”
I hadn’t even realized the damage I would cause even though I didn’t do what Mia thought I did. I wasn’t thinking. She wasn’t just seeing me smiling and kissing the cheek of a beautiful woman who was my cousin that I thought would like to see the beach before returning to the bar. She saw her ex cheating on her in their home. She’d felt the pain as she had before, like it was happening again, because, in her eyes, in her memories, it was.
“No, it’s not. You fucked up. You fucked up big.” Tate was shaking with anger, and I kept waiting for the punch I was owed.
Even Callum looked like he was up to beating some sense into me.
“She believes I betrayed her in a way that she can’t accept. I let her believe it. Do you think I like this feeling? This oily, thick tar-like feeling that is coating me, weighing me down? I hate it. I hate seeing her cry. I hate seeing her hurting because of me. I’d spent all these weeks falling in love with her, helping her see how perfect she was and how much of a life she deserved.
“I’m afraid. There, you happy? It’s been thrown in my face over and over how worthless I am. My ex-wife tried to make me into something else because just being me wasn’t enough, and my fucking parent chose death over me. Literally.”
I looked away from their probing stares, my fists clenching and my teeth grinding at the pain coursing through my veins from the utter despair written on Mia’s face when she had seen me with Alexa. I wanted to run to her, beg for forgiveness that I didn’t believe she’d give me now. But I couldn’t. The deflation in my body was enough to drop me to the floor. I didn’t know how I was still standing before them.
“I won’t survive if Mia finds me worthless like they did,” I admitted.
This was all to protect us both.
But, in the end, all I did was hurt us further.
“Mia loves you, Logan. She was there for you and was ready with open arms to help pull you out of this madness. She wasn’t giving up—until you just put images in her head that shouldn’t be there.” Callum’s anger softened.
He understood what I had done and why. He was my co-worker in Inspired for a reason.
“But you can’t let fear control you. Let it go, forgive them, put it all in the past, and step up to the brightest future you can. Mia is your future. Everyone, including your dumbass, knows it. You got scared, you got hurt, and you lashed out. Fine. Now, make it right. Be the captain of your ship, Logan,” Callum spoke.
I knew he was right. I was acting out in my pain.
Tink cleared her throat. It was her turn to have her say in this. I wasn’t sure I was going to like what she had to say, but Tink had been the one to pull me out before, and maybe she would be the kick in the ass I needed this time.
“I never had kids, and I didn’t think I’d need to say it, but apparently, you boys are thick-skulled. You’re enough for me. I feel you boys are my boys, and I will mama bear anyone who thinks otherwise. Your ex, your parents—they were the ones who missed out, who weren’t enough for you. Not the other way around. I love you boys.”
Tink’s words hit me like an arrow to the heart.
I was an idiot.
Tink’s short arms managed to snag all three of us, pulling us into a massive hug session.
I needed this, someone to point out the haves instead of the have-nots. I preached it, but when it came time for me to apply my own teachings, I’d failed. I’d let the negative and the bad take me away.
I had so many great things in my life that I’d lost sight of. I’d forgive myself for it later, but right now, as I stood, embraced in the arms of the people who thought I was enough just the way I was, I started listing all the things I was grateful for.
I am free.
I am loved.
The sky around me is not falling.
The people I care about are healthy.
I’m healthy.
I’m doing well in life.
I had a woman who loved me for me, even the ugly parts.
Had.
But would have again.
“I don’t know what I can do to make it right with Mia, but I’m not gonna give up. I love her,” I announced into our circle.
Tate smacked me on the back in a loving, proud of you way.
“Go bring me my daughter-in-law back.” Tink let us go and gave me a wink. Then, she turned to get back to the bar. Satisfied that I’d seen the light.
I had.
Tate punched me in the arm when we were standing apart again. A hit for the one I’d given him back in Utah.
“All right, we’re even now.” I raised my eyebrow in challenge. If he hit me again, I’d hit him back, and we’d really have some fun then.
“Even. Now, how are you planning to make up with Mia?” Then, he and Callum threw out ideas to help me reconcile for my shitty behavior. But none of them felt right.
Maybe, after sleeping this off and doing some self-care in the morning, it would come to me. I just prayed to whatever god or being in the universe that Mia would give me the chance to win her heart back, to prove that I would take care of it this time.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Mia
It was surprising how two tropical places on Earth could be so different.
I’d heard many people who hadn’t been away from Florida say that, once you’d seen a beach, then you’d seen all of them. But it simply wasn’t true.
There was a different vibe in the air, the feeling of being somewhere unfamiliar yet still something you knew.
After that night of seeing Logan with another woman, I’d stayed at my parents’ house for three days. I cried, and I probably gained ten pounds from my mother’s cooking. Logan called, Callum called, Tate called, and even Jay called for more than just business.
I didn’t talk to anyone.
Once I calmed myself down, I took a walk around the block, breathing deeply, and rattling off things in my life that were going right.
I didn’t know what had truly happened with Logan. It could have been exactly what I thought, or it could have been my own insecurities rearing their ugly butts.
Logan tried calling multiple times after that night, but I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. I would eventually. I would hear his side of things, listen to him before passing judgment.
But I felt like I needed some space.
I needed to save myself this time.
So, if in fact it was all one big misunderstanding and Logan was ready to fight for us again, I would love myself enough to give some of that love back to him. He couldn’t always be there to save me from my mind, from those dark places that waited for me to slip
into one day so that they could take hold of me.
I couldn’t be with him because I needed him. I had to want him, not rely on him for my sanity.
Maybe that beauty I’d been waiting for would come out of the ashes of us, but maybe what was truly more important was that I became the beauty that rose instead.
So, I left.
I hopped on my plane and flew to Hawaii for two weeks.
Every day, I focused on myself, loving myself, and become my own superhero.
I tried surfing and failed horribly, but I still gave it a shot at trying something new. I toured an island that I’d never truly seen but boasted as one of the most beautiful settings of all my hotels.
Every day, I did yoga on the beach. I breathed in the Pacific sea breeze and thanked God for my life. That I could do this and have this freedom when so many did not have the same opportunities.
I’d found myself further and fallen more in love with myself every day.
So, when I returned home, I finally felt okay to meet with Logan, as he’d been requesting to do.
I was ready for whatever happened, whether Logan and I would make up or I’d be on my own again. I was at peace with either decision.
But I knew what I wanted, what my heart wanted.
I wanted to hear that the blonde was nobody, that Logan hadn’t slept with her. That he missed me, that he loved me, and that he wanted to live this glorious life with me.
Doing crazy shit that made my heart burst from fear, like jumping off hotels or sitting naked at his house, playing chess.
Feeling the need to calm my mind and put this nervous energy to good use, I grabbed some of the painting gear I’d bought and brought the travel sizes out to the beach to paint.
The brushes moved, soothing my anxious mind of seeing Logan for the first time in weeks.
I’d texted him where I’d be, and it wasn’t long before I heard the steps on the gazebo path. The brush in my hand shook slightly, a tremor rolling down my body. Fear and excitement, all filling me at the same moment.
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