Amish Love and Healing

by Rachel Stoltzfus

  “That’s okay. Do you think this man you saw could also be responsible for the rumor?"

  It seemed like the perfect out, but Katie couldn't stand the thought that someone would connect her rumor with setting a deliberate fire in the barn. So she shrugged. "I don't know. It seems like two different things to me."

  "Okay. Just one more question. Do you drink?"

  Katie was genuinely shocked. "Nee! My parents would kill me."

  "You've never tried even a sip? At a party maybe?"

  “In Goshen, when I was starting my rumspringa, one of the other youths gave me a beer at a party. I’d snuck out after one of the Sings. But the beer tasted awful, so I just pretended to drink and eventually dumped it out. Then my sister took me home.”

  “Your sister? Is she still in Indiana?”

  Katie shrugged. “I don’t know. She left us. I don’t know where she is.”

  “That must be difficult. I’ve heard some Amish communities can be strict about when their kids decide to go English, is that what they call it?”

  “Nee. It’s nothing like that. Esther just never wrote us. She could have, or she could have called at Old Samuel’s barn.” Katie swallowed. Her throat was big with sadness and anger. “She just let us. My parents don’t talk about her. I think she died. I don’t think she would have gone so long without writing if she was alive.”

  “Your parents must be very worried for you then, after your sister leaving like that. I bet they’re strict.” Mr. Hollis smiled. It was a nice smile, the kind that made you want to feel more comfortable and smile back.

  But Katie was too nervous to do more than barely show her teeth. “Ja, they’re strict, but it’s okay.”

  “Well, thank you, Miss Miller, for speaking with me. The investigation shows that the fire may have been deliberate, and I want you to know that we are treating this case very seriously. We will find the person responsible. I also trust neither you nor your family will be making any sudden trips out of state?”

  Katie swallowed. “Nee.”

  “Good. Your bishop and elders have been very cooperative with this investigation especially in light of the threats that have been made to your community. Please, be careful.”

  “Are you talking to the bishop next?”

  “Soon. I simply have a few more loose ends to tie up before I make my recommendation to the police in regards to the next steps in this case. Thank you for your time, Miss Miller.”

  “Ja. Denki,” Katie said. She watched as he walked to his car and backed it up to turn out of the driveway.

  He thinks it’s me.

  And I lied to him. He’ll never believe me now.

  Katie went to the kitchen and finished cutting up the chicken for dinner. She placed it in the oven and turned it on. Her mam and dat would be home soon. They had trusted her, but now that trust was broken. She cleaned the knife. Watching the water pour over the blade, she wondered what Esther was doing.

  She’s dead.

  She’s waiting for you.

  Just a small cut.

  Katie studied the knife a few seconds longer.

  Not here. She had hurt her family too much to have them find her here.

  Cradling the hilt in her palm, she slipped the blade up the sleeve of her dress and walked out the door. She hadn’t planned which way she would go. She was too numb, and the stories in her head were too loud for her to think clearly.

  The season was shifting to autumn, and the wind had taken on a chill undertone. It swept cold fingers across the back of Katie’s neck. When she reached the creek, she marched through the bushes to the tree where she had left the note. It wasn’t missing. The elders had taken it. Now, they would pronounce judgment on her.

  Katie wheeled around as she heard the rock hit the water. It was only Ben and Amy playing. Katie pushed the blade of the knife further up her sleeve and walked. In a little while, the creek would turn, and she would be out of sight. Good. The kinder shouldn’t see what she was about to do.

  Go away. Don’t come back.

  I have some more questions about the fire at the Shrock residence.

  “Katie! Katie Miller!” Amy shouted from behind her.

  Katie had been at home that night, in her room, in bed, alone. But no one would believe that. Not with the rumor.

  “Are you sure you didn’t wake up at all?” The inspector’s suspicious words repeated in her mind, mixing with the admonitions of the English women and the Goshen elders.

  Katie stumbled down the creek bank into the water. It was freezing. The water soaked the hem of her dress and leaked in through her shoes, making her feet ache before they grew numb.

  “Katie!”

  Katie ignored the child and kept walking. The rocks were slippery beneath her boots, and she stumbled a couple of times. The water splashed her ankles, soaking her stockings. Amy shouted again to her brother. Katie kept walking. Eventually, they would give up and go back to their game.

  Go away.

  A little cut, and then you feel so much better.

  Katie smelled candied apples. She felt Uncle Levi’s fingers reaching beneath her kapp. In the distance, she caught a glimpse of a silhouette, almost translucent in the bright autumn sunlight.

  “Esther!” Katie picked up her skirt and started to run. The knife blade sliced her forearm. She hardly felt its sting.

  Esther sat down on the creek bank with her bare feet in the water. Around her toes, the water was a dilute red. Katie dropped to her knees in front of her sister. “I missed you.” She sobbed. “Mei Gott I missed you so much!”

  Esther kept smiling, her gaze unfocused.

  “Esther?”

  Of course, Esther couldn’t see her. Not yet. Tears ran down Katie’s cheeks. She took the knife out. The blade was streaked with blood.

  Esther looked down at her.

  One small cut, and the stories will flutter away, and everything will be quiet.

  No more secrets.

  No more lies.

  Katie held the knife to her throat. All she had to do was push it in, but her hand was shaking, and she couldn’t make the cut. She said, “I’m not as strong as you.”

  Just a small cut.

  “Katie! Stop!”

  It was a child’s voice. The child was crying. Katie took the knife from her throat. “I’m fine,” she shouted. “Go play, Amy!”

  “You’re going to hurt yourself,” Amy sobbed.

  “It’s just a small cut. Leave me alone now.”

  “No. Ben’s getting help.”

  “Why?”

  “You can’t stay in the water like that. It’s too cold.”

  Katie laughed. The sound was hollow in her ears, like the static burble of the creek. “I can’t go yet,” she said, looking over at Amy, who was standing on the creek bank with a look of terror on her pinched face. “My sister finally came back.”

  “You have a sister? Are you sure?”

  “Her name is Esther.” Katie turned back to her sister, but Esther was gone. Even the blood in the water had faded. Katie could barely see the pink. “Esther!” Katie shouted again, “Esther!”

  Maybe she had run off further down the creek bank. Stupid Amy, scaring Esther off. “Go away, Amy!” Katie snapped. It was hard to hold the knife now because she was shaking so hard. She stood. “Go and play with your brother!”

  Katie took another step. The skirt of her dress was heavy and cold. Clutching the knife, she pushed against the water’s drag. One more step. Her foot slipped, and she was falling.

  Amy screamed.

  At first, Katie didn’t feel the knife as the blade slid into her stomach.

  Just a small cut.

  Then the pain.

  She tried to sit up, but the pain was too hot. Blinding. The water was better. It numbed her. Her sister was stroking her hair.

  “Esther...” Katie’s face was partially in the current. Icy water filled her mouth and nose. She coughed.

  I love you. Now, you have to
turn your head, or you’ll choke.

  I thought you hated me.

  Never. I’m sorry. So sorry.

  I just wanted to see you again before everything fell apart again.

  Someone was holding up Katie's head and begging her not to die. Probably another story. Another lie. Katie closed her eyes.

  Chapter 10

  When Ben heard Amy scream for help, instead of running back to his home, he ran to the road to use the emergency pay-phone. His quick thinking saved Katie’s life. A police car and ambulance were dispatched immediately. Ben guided the two EMTs to the creek. They carried Katie out on a stretcher to the ambulance before the wound or water killed her. Even so, the blood loss and the fact the knife had nicked her bowel, spilling infection into her abdominal cavity, it was touch and go for the first day.

  As news of Katie’s attempted suicide spread through the Amish community of Big Valley, they all asked what driven Katie to take such a desperate step.

  At home that night, Tom Schrock sat with his family and tried to understand. "Maybe it was guilt for setting fire to my barn."

  At that moment, his son Mark broke down. "It wasn't Katie!" he cried. "She didn’t do it. I did.”

  Tom Shrock was shocked. “You set fire to the barn. Mei Gott! Why?”

  “It was an accident. Susie’s two years older than me. I wanted to court with her, and I thought if I got some whiskey, you know like some of the other older guys do, she'd be impressed. I just... I just didn't want her to think I was too young or immature, but it was stupid. She smacked me and said I was trying to get her drunk and take advantage of her, I'd never do that, ever!

  “And then Susie ran off. She wouldn’t even let me walk her home. I was by myself, so I had another drink, and then I guess another one. I don't really remember. I must have gotten myself to bed, and then my sister was screaming that the barn was on fire and I knew it was all my fault, but I couldn't say anything. And I figured Katie was already guilty. Everyone knew about the rumor. So I didn't – –." Mark sobbed, like a child. "I didn't know Katie would try and kill herself. Everyone said Katie just wanted attention and. – –."

  "Be quiet," Tom Schrock ordered. His fists were clenched, and his face was red with fury. "Go upstairs. We will speak with the elders about this tomorrow. After you’ve apologized to Katie Miller. Lay out your Sunday best for tomorrow morning when we’re going to the hospital. You will apologize to Katie Miller, whether she’s awake or not. And then you'll be given instruction by the elders. And I don't want to hear anything from you until then."

  Mark bowed his head. His nose was red and tears wet his cheeks. “Yes, sir.”

  "Go!" Tom Schrock ordered.

  When Mark had fled upstairs, Tom turned to his wife. "This is my fault too," he said. Softly.

  She walked to him and put her arms around his waist in a rare show of affection in front of her daughter. "We all suspected Katie Miller. Lovina tried to tell us she was troubled, but I think we were all just too blinded by her lies to see what must have been a deep pain. But, if by Gott’s will Katie makes it through this, we will have to do whatever we can to make sure she gets the help she needs."

  Tom nodded. Resting his forehead on top of his wife's head, he let the tears fall for himself. For his conscience. And for the mistakes they had all made.

  IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM, after emergency surgery to repair her intestine, they put Katie on a morphine drip.

  The doctor, a short light brown woman with thought wrinkles between her brows and smile Winkle wrinkles at the corners of her eyes and lips, explained, "The surgery went well. We aren't completely out of the woods yet, but your daughter is young, and she is a tough and healthy young lady. When she wakes, we will need her to be seen by our psychiatric staff in addition to what follow-up is necessary for her physical health.

  Mary and David sat at their daughter’s bedside through the night. Katie slipped in and out of consciousness. Sometimes she called out for Esther. Other times she talked about Levi.

  At first, Mary thought Katie had to be telling stories. Or maybe the horrible things she spoke of were merely a result of the drugs and sickness. But as Katie spoke, her descriptions of Levi, his small mannerisms that Mary knew himself from that brief summer they had been intimate, made Mary's stomach turn. Her fists clenched as acid rose to the back of her throat, and she began to question herself and her own memories.

  "Levi.” David scrubbed his fingers through his hair. “She's talking about my brother."

  "I know. I should have listened to her. Why didn't I listen to her?"

  "Wife! What are you talking about? My brother – – he would never – –!"

  "He did with me. I was 14, and I thought I was in love."

  "Mei Gott!" David’s hands shook.

  "Esther. That must be why she ran off. Why she never came back." Why hadn’t Esther ever said anything. Once, when Esther was sick, Mary had seen the line of tiny cuts running up her left thigh. She’d begged Esther to stop, and Esther had promised she would. Mary had taken to keeping her and her husbands’ razors in their bedroom as a precaution. But Esther had never been truly happy. Mary could see it now. Esther, like Katie, had been hiding a secret pain. And Mary, blinded by her ‘love’ for and gratitude to Levi for his help after David had lost his job, had blinded herself.

  David said, "I’ll kill him. I know it’s against our Ordnung, but I don’t care. I’ll kill him.”

  Katie's story about the body in the cornfield drifted through Mary's mind. It had seemed too farfetched to even believe. But maybe Katie had seen something. She had lied more and more as she got older, but not everything had been a lie. And maybe all of her lies had come from the fact that no one had listened to her truth.

  Mary couldn't stop crying. She and her husband clung to each other as the night ticked into the morning.

  The next day, Katie woke up. She tried to sit up, but the sharp pain in her gut cut through the morphine and she fell back on the pillows with a cry.

  “Katie, thank Gott!” Mary took her daughter’s hands and kissed them. “I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

  Katie was confused, and her mind was still fuzzy from the morphine. “Ma—mam.” Her mouth was so dry. “I’m thirsty.”

  “Ja. The doctor says you can suck on this.” She placed an ice chip between her daughter’s lips.

  The ice chip was gloriously cold, and Katie relished in the moisture against her dry lips and mouth. “Denki,” she said. After two more ice chips, she felt comfortable enough to speak again. “Did you see Esther?”

  “Amy said you were calling out to her when you—.” Mary choked on a sob. “I have failed you.”

  “I didn’t set the fire. Inspector Hollis asked me, and I knew he thought it was me, so I lied. I always lie. I just wanted to disappear. I thought it would be easier if I was gone. Nobody wanted me around anyway.”

  “Nee! Never. You are my daughter, and I failed you. I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too,” David added. “We were so upset about your lies, we never stopped to ask why you were telling them. But Levi, we’re going to tell the elders what really happened.”

  “Nee! He’ll kill you. He said he would.”

  “He just said that to scare you. But we’ll make sure he gets justice and that he’s never around any young people again.”

  Katie felt a fluttering in her chest, like a bird’s wings fluttering to freedom. “You believe me?”

  “Of course we believe you.”

  “I began to think I had to be making it all up, like I made everything else up, and in the end, it all got mixed up, so I didn’t know what was real or what wasn’t,” Katie said. “But I did start that rumor,” Katie confessed. “I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. The pressure would just build up and up, and I had to say something to make it go away. I wish I could just make that stop.” Katie was crying too. “I want it to stop. I hate lying all of the time, but I can’t stop myself.”

  “The doctor who did y
our surgery said they have psychiatric services here. Maybe that will help you. And if it doesn’t, we’ll keep trying. For you and Esther and all of us.”

  Through the rest of the day and into the next, other members of the community visited. First, the Shrock family. Mark confessed to accidentally setting the fire, first to Katie and then to Inspector Hollis. “It was an accident, but it was my fault,” he explained. “If you have to arrest me, you can go ahead.” Mark was shaking as he said the last part.

  Inspector Hollis nodded gravely. “For now, I will talk to the judge about putting you on probation. There is also a set of classes on teens and alcoholism that you will have to take as well as a series of classes on fire safety and a mandatory forty hours of community service.”

  “Yes, sir,” Mark said. He turned back to Katie. “I’m really sorry. I should have spoken up and taken responsibility at the beginning instead of leaving you to take the blame. Please forgive me.”

  “I made mistakes too,” Katie said. “I started that horrible rumor and then kept doing things to make it worse because I didn’t want it to come back to me.”

  “Come on, Mark. Say goodbye to Katie. You’ll need to apologize to Bishop Lapp and take whatever penance he gives as well.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “And I’m throwing out those old lanterns for good. All of you should. They aren’t safe.”

  After the Shrock family left, Eli, Annie, Amos, and Libby visited. Katie still couldn’t eat solid food, so she sipped apple juice with her gaze shifting warily to the older couple while her best friend and boyfriend sat on the opposite side of the bed and remarked on how happy they were that she was recovering.

  “I’m sorry about your barn, Annie,” Katie confessed. “I was just so mad at you, so I threw the mud on it.”

  Annie looked down at the hands, now folded in her lap. “I’m sorry too. For following you.”