A Vow Of Hate

by James, Lylah

  Mirai shook her head. “No, no seizures. Not that I know of. Oh God, now that you mentioned it, what if… shit,” she said, growing even more panicked. Her eyes filled with tears; her cheeks flushed with distress.

  “Would you just tell me what the hell is going on?” I hissed. I didn’t have time for games and hysteria.

  “Julianna is missing,” Mirai wheezed.

  I blinked before my stomach dropped. My room swayed for a second before the world righted itself again. “What did you just say?”

  “I went to her this morning, to give her breakfast. Julianna refused. She hadn’t eaten anything yesterday either,” she explained hurriedly. “I went back for lunch, knocked at her door several times, but when she didn’t answer, I walked in to find her room empty.”

  Mirai broke off, hiccupping back a sob. “She hasn’t left her room for a week. So, I thought it was weird. I went to search for her, everywhere that I thought she might be. In the library. In Arabella’s room. But I couldn’t find her anywhere. And… and then, I told my grandma and all the maids set off to search for her, but she’s nowhere to be found within the castle walls.”

  I was already striding away before she had even finished her story. Mirai shouted my name, but I broke into a run, fear beating strongly in my chest. I blindly ran down the corridor and the stairs, with only one destination in mind.

  Mirai said Julianna couldn’t be found anywhere within the castle. That could only mean one thing – she had gone out. And if I knew my wife the way I thought I did, there was only one place she’d go to.

  The moment I stepped outside, the rain pelted down on me, soaking through my clothes. I flinched as the coldness seeped through my wet clothes and into my bones. The clouds were dark and heavy. Thunder rolled through the sky, followed by more lightning.

  Julianna wouldn’t be so stupid to go out during a storm?

  “Fuck,” I swore under my breath, taking off into a dead run toward the stables.

  I didn’t want it to be true. I hoped my suspicion would be just that. A doubt, and nothing more. Because the reality would be more dangerous.

  I came to a halt when I found the stables empty. The stall at the very end was deserted.

  Though his saddle was still here, Cerberus was gone.

  And Julianna was nowhere to be found.

  Goddamn it.

  The stallion was stubborn and bad-tempered. He wouldn’t let anyone else mount him, except myself. And Julianna, while she was comfortable with Ragna, she wouldn’t be able to stay in control with Cerberus.

  Didn’t she know how dangerous this could be? She purposely put herself in harm’s way. What the fuck was going on in her head?

  A painful burning sensation slithered into my chest as I followed the tracks of Cerberus’s hooves in the wet dirt, as it was quickly being washed away by the rain. It looked like he took off on a run.

  My eyes darted between the stables and the thick trees on the opposite side, a long distance away. The tracks that Cerberus left behind, its path led straight to the woods.

  He went in there, possibly with Julianna on his back. Saddleless and with how unpredictable Cerberus was…

  My heart thudded wildly as I ran toward the trees. My legs ate the distance quickly, but the woods were much farther than what they appeared to be.

  I would never get to her in time and it would take me hours to find them. They could be anywhere in the woods and I didn’t even have a horse of my own.

  Maybe if Ragna was still here…

  Julianna wouldn’t have taken such drastic steps to get on a bad-tempered stallion. And even if she had gotten lost in the woods with Ragna, I would have had Cerberus with me. We would have found Ragna and Julianna together.

  No, I shook my head. There was no point dwelling on the what-ifs.

  My eyes widened, the lump in my throat growing larger and heavier, when I saw a tall form through the fog and rain, racing in my direction.

  I came to a halt at the sight of Cerberus.

  Alone…without Julianna.

  Dread filled my chest. Cerberus galloped toward me and he let out a loud neigh, throwing his two front legs into the air. I reached out for him as he circled around me, snorting and stomping. I ran my fingers through his thick, wet mane. “Where is she?” I questioned harshly, as if he could understand me. And maybe he did.

  Cerberus stomped again and I could tell he was in distress. “Take me to her,” I demanded, swinging myself onto his back. “I need to find her, Cerberus. Take me to her.”

  I didn’t have to tell him again. My stallion understood me. He knew the severity of this situation and he understood how important it was for me to find Julianna.

  She could be severely hurt or…

  I flattened myself against his back, urging him into a gallop. Cerberus took off, racing toward the woods with mad purpose. The rain continued to pelt down on us, obscuring my vision as the storm became worse with each passing minute.

  Another thunder crashed through the sky and Cerberus grew more agitated and distressed, but he didn’t stop. He kept racing between the trees, jumping off the fallen logs and upturned, dead roots.

  Rage and fear bubbled inside me.

  Why?

  Why would she put herself at such risk?

  If anything were to happen to her… again…

  Fuck.

  My stomach churned with nausea as I pushed onward through the storm. Cerberus let out a snort, as if to alarm me. I squinted in front of us to find a lump on the ground.

  Julianna.

  She was almost camouflaged between the fallen trees, dead leaves and dirt. The stallion reared back, coming to a stop.

  I dismounted in a hurry, slipping onto the wet dirt and lunging toward Julianna. I rushed forward and dropped to my knees beside her. I gathered her in my arms, my lungs clenching so tightly that I almost couldn’t breathe.

  “Julianna?” I choked. “Julianna, goddamn it!” I repeated louder when she didn’t answer me. Her eyes were closed, her skin pale and freezing. Her lips were starting to turn into a shade of blue and I pressed my ear to her nose. When I felt the light brush of her breath against my skin, I almost collapsed in relief.

  But her breathing was too slow.

  And Julianna was too still.

  I pressed my hand over the back of her head, looking for an injury. But she appeared unscathed, other than a few scratches over her cheek and her arms.

  That would mean that Cerberus didn’t buck her off, because if he had done so, there would have been grave injuries. She, herself, must have accidentally fell off his back and passed out.

  I gathered Julianna in my arms and stood up on shaky legs. After securing her on Cerberus, I swung myself onto his back again and urged him into a slow gallop, as to not jostle Julianna too much.

  When I got back to the stables, both Stephen and Gideon were already there. I dismounted first and then reached for Julianna while Gideon held onto Cerberus.

  “When we saw you and Cerberus rush into the woods, we figured that was where Julianna had gone,” Stephen explained. “I already told Emily and she’s filling a tub with warm water. Hurry.”

  I nodded, gathering Julianna back into my arms and I strode inside. When I reached her room, it bustled with activity. Mirai was there, a near frantic look on her face, and she let out a relieved breath at the sight of a soaked and limp Julianna in my arms.

  “I’ve filled the tub. She needs to be warmed up, immediately,” Emily said.

  I nodded. “Everyone out, please.”

  I didn’t pay them any more attention and stalked into the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the tub, I settled Julianna on my lap and quickly rid her of her wet dress. The fact that she didn’t stir at all worried me.

  Her body was too cold and her breathing too shallow. For how long had she been passed out in the rain? Two hours?

  I sure fucking hope not. One hour was too long, let alone… two goddamn hours.

  Once she was nake
d, I gently placed her into the warm water. After making sure she wouldn’t slide under, I quickly got rid of my own clothing and got into the tub behind her. The water was almost too hot, but it was perfect for Julianna’s freezing body.

  Warming her up was important. To get her blood circulating through her body again, warm and alive.

  Julianna remained unconscious as I settled her back against my chest, her body small and fragile in my arms. I made quick work of shampooing and washing her hair, careful to check for any injuries. There were no open wounds or bumps.

  Thank the fucking Lord.

  I sat in the tub with her until the water started to get cold. The water sluiced to the side when I stood up, with Julianna in my arms. I made quick work of wrapping a towel around her before carrying her to the bed.

  My gaze briefly darted to the fireplace and it appeared that someone had been smart enough to start the fire. The room was hotter than usual, but Julianna was still too cold for my liking.

  I climbed in bed beside her, tucking the comforter around us. Without really thinking about it, because I was acting on pure instinct, I curled my body around hers.

  And soon enough, with the help of the fire, two heavy comforters and my own body heat, Julianna’s skin started growing warmer. Her lips were no longer blue, but a pale color.

  Once she was warm, the shivering started. Her body practically rattled with the tremors, from head to toe. Her teeth clattered violently and Julianna whimpered.

  My chest squeezed when her eyelids fluttered open and she stared at me, eyes dazed and confused. “Killian…” Julianna muttered weakly.

  My arm curled around her hips. “I’m here, Princess.”

  “C-c-cold,” she stuttered.

  “I know.” I brushed my thumb over her jaw. “I’m going to warm you up. Nothing is going to happen to you. I won’t allow it.”

  My wife snuggled further into my arms, pressing her face into my throat. The familiarity of this position hit me like a tidal wave, the old memories slicing through me so brutally. But I shoved them away.

  Her eyes closed again and she let out another soft whimper. Another shiver racked through her body. Julianna slid a hand over my chest, her fingers digging into my flesh. Almost like she was desperately seeking my warmth.

  “I have you,” I reassured her, even though I didn’t think she heard me.

  Hours later, I woke up to Julianna’s restless movement, heart-wrenching whimpers and soft cries. I had stayed awake for hours, watching her breathe; her shivering turning into gentle tremors until her body had been warmed enough that her shaking had subsided.

  I hadn’t even realized that I somehow dozed off.

  Pushing myself up on my elbow, I studied Julianna to find her soaked in sweat, her forehead furrowed in distress and her jaw tightening in pain.

  I touched her cheek to find her hot. That would have been a good sign, if she wasn’t burning with a fever.

  Fucking hell!

  I got off the bed and quickly pulled on the sweatpants that Samuel had left behind for me earlier and called for Rani.

  She came into the room again and gave Julianna another thorough check.

  “Your wife is breaking into a fever. I would say it’s normal, but you’ll have to keep a close eye on her,” Rani said grimly. “Especially with her history of epilepsy, Julianna will be prone to seizures in this condition.”

  The older woman gave me an assessing look. “I can stay with her,” she volunteered.

  “No,” I snapped, before I could stop myself.

  Clearing my throat, I gestured for her to leave. “Thank you, but I’ll take care of my wife myself. I will call for you if you’re needed.”

  Rani left after giving Julianna another quick check. Once the door closed behind her, I climbed into the bed again. She immediately rolled over to me, her body curling into mine. Julianna threw a leg between mine and her arm slid over my chest as she burrowed her fevered self against my body.

  Helplessness gripped me as Julianna suffered through a brutal fever.

  It lasted through the night, into the morning and through the next… four days.

  I stayed by her side, never leaving her for more than fifteen minutes and that was only to use the restroom and for a quick shower each day.

  In her feverish state, Julianna struggled through nightmares and hallucinations. More than often, she cried in her sleep. Her demons continued to plague her without mercy. And even when she regained consciousness a few times during the day, she was always confused and drowsy. Rani made sure to check on Julianna every day and each time, she repeated the same thing to me.

  “She’s been in that rain for too long, it’s completely normal for her to suffer through a fever like this. She’ll be fine in a few days. Give her time to heal.”

  I hated how I couldn’t do anything more than stay by her side.

  I fucking loathed how helpless I felt.

  I spent the day holding a cold compress to her forehead. Sometimes, I’d drag the cloth down her neck, over her chest and arms, trying to keep her cool. Every day her temperature rose before cooling down for a few hours and then the fever was back again.

  While she was feverish, Julianna suffered through three epileptic seizures and ended up wetting the bed twice.

  And each time, I carried her to the tub and bathed her, before changing the bedsheets for cleaned ones.

  On the fourth day, her flesh was dry and hot. Julianna let out a pained moan, her eyes fluttering open. “Do… you hate… me?” she croaked.

  I stiffened at the question. This was the first time she had addressed me directly since her fever had set in. My breath hitched when Julianna brought her hand up, cupping my cheek. Her thumb brushed over my jaw and then my lower lips. “Don’t… hate… me.”

  My throat closed. “Julianna,” I practically choked her name.

  My heart thudded in my chest, hard.

  It fucking hurt.

  Her weak voice.

  And how fragile she was.

  Her weary eyes were filled with pure desperation.

  Instead of responding, I rubbed Vaseline over her cracked lips. Like I had done several times for the last four days.

  “Please,” she pleaded, before burrowing her face into my neck.

  Her lips brushed against the pulse in my throat. Julianna let out a breathy sigh. “I love… the way you… smell. It comforts… me. Don’t l-l-leave me,” she confessed softly, her voice breaking at the end.

  “Shhh, I’m right here,” I reassured her fevered self. “Not going anywhere. You just sleep and focus on getting better.”

  Julianna made a weak sound in the back of her throat. “Killian…”

  “Yes.”

  “I wish… our story was different,” she whispered sleepily. “I wish you… didn’t hate me and that… I didn’t lie to you. I wish we could start over again. Julianna and Killian.”

  My arm curled around her, my chest rattling with a shuddering breath. “I wish the same too, Princess.”

  I didn’t know if she heard me, because when I peeked down at her flushed face, Julianna’s eyes were closed. She had fallen back asleep.

  I leaned back into my pillow, squeezing my eyes shut.

  Why was I here? What the fuck was I even doing?

  Taking care of her… getting close to her again, when I should have long left the island.

  I should have let Rani take care of her.

  I should have left the night Julianna told me her truth.

  Yet, here I was.

  I had accused Julianna of being a martyr, but we were so fucking alike.

  I guessed we both had a penchant for self-destruction.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Killian

  I walked into the dining hall to find the table set for two. That made me pause.

  The last time the table had been set for both Julianna and I was before…

  Before her truth came out.

  Before the masquerade b
all.

  Was she planning to join me for dinner?

  My eyes darted between the two places, finding something amiss. But when realization dawned on me, my fists clenched at my side. There was nothing amiss.

  In fact, something that was previously wrong had been fixed.

  Instead of our plates being set on either end of the table, so that we were sitting opposite of each other, with a great distance between us – our plates were now next to each other.

  While I might have approved of this change before… now? Not so much. I wanted to hang onto my rage, but the more time I spent with Julianna, I was once again allowing myself to grow weak for her.

  Every time I tried to put distance between us, somehow, we were pulled together again.

  A rustling sound from behind me caught my attention and I already knew who it was. My body recognized her before my other senses did. My heart leaped to my throat as I settled in my chair at one end of the table, without looking back at my wife.

  Julianna made a small sound at the back of her throat, before coming forward and taking the seat to my left on the side of the table.

  “Hi,” she said timidly, folding her hands over her lap.

  Hi? That was all she had to say?

  What the hell were we? Two teenagers on our first fucking date?

  It was on the tip of my tongue to say something shitty to her, to make sure she understood that while I stayed by her side through her fever, that didn’t mean that I hated her less or had forgiven her yet.

  But the moment I finally looked at her, I forgot everything I was going to say.

  My brain stuttered for a moment, as if I had seen a ghost.

  And I did.

  Because Julianna was gone.

  And in her place was… Gracelynn.

  No, I was wrong. This was the real Julianna.

  Pale blonde hair and the prettiest grey eyes.

  Her black hair was gone and it finally dawned on me that Julianna didn’t have to hide her identity anymore. The right side of her face was turned toward me, the unmarred side.