A Vow Of Hate

by James, Lylah

  I blinked in confusion. “We?”

  He tsked, before giving me an eye-roll. Such a simple action shouldn’t be sexy, but apparently on Killian it was. “Do I have to repeat everything?”

  “It’s because you’re so confusing!” I whisper-yelled, hands on my hips and I glared up at him. He wasn’t even bothered at my outburst. In fact, his lips curled in a half-smile.

  “And you’re so goddamn maddening. What a pair we are.”

  I threw my hands in the air. “One minute you hate me and can’t bear to be in my presence. Then, you bring back Ragna and now you’re talking about going somewhere together as if everything is completely normal.”

  “Would you rather I continue hating and ignoring your existence?”

  “No,” I gritted. “I would rather you pick an emotion and stick with it.”

  He chuckled humorlessly. “That’s rather rich coming from you, wife.”

  I stomped over to Ragna and she stayed still, allowing me to mount on her back without any difficulties. My sweet and patient girl. So unlike my husband and his stubborn stallion.

  “Why are you trying to provoke me?” I hissed, once I was settled on the saddle.

  “Why did you ruin us?” he said, toneless.

  My jaw snapped shut and my breath hitched. “That’s unfair, Killian.”

  He would always do this – throwing my lies and deception back in my face, so carelessly and heartlessly. As if to remind me that we were broken and maybe beyond fixing. I didn’t exactly blame him; I deserved it.

  But I just wanted to have one freaking conversation without us shedding each other’s blood. Figuratively, of course.

  We’ve had dinner every night for the last six days and our conversations were sometimes dull, sometimes entertaining, but always ending up in an argument. Killian and I were two unlikely forces, colliding together. Stubborn and furious. Guilty but determined.

  “What’s unfair is you thinking I can forget everything and be the old Killian,” he said, harshly. “I’m not him anymore and nothing will ever be normal again with us.”

  I swallowed, looking away from him and the raw intensity in his dark gaze. “Where are we going?”

  He was silent for a second and I imagined he was trying to remain calm and aloof. When Killian spoke again, he sounded composed. “I can assume with much certainty that you have neither left the castle grounds nor explored the island yet. Well, except for your reckless trip into the woods.”

  “Yes and yes.” My lips thinned at his cruel jab. “And to make matters clear, it was reckless but I wasn’t left with much of a choice either. You took Ragna away from me.”

  I didn’t admit that I wasn’t thinking clearly that day, when I took Cerberus away from the stables. Not caring that he was an unpredictable stallion and that a storm was raging around us. My thoughts and emotions had been in turmoil and I was just desperate to be free of the shackles weighing me down.

  “And that’s why I brought her back,” Killian said.

  My fists clenched at my side. “Guilt or sympathy?”

  “Neither,” he deadpanned, his face devoid of any humane emotions.

  “Bullshit,” I shot back.

  Cerberus shifted under Killian’s weight, growing impatient. I could tell he was itching for a run. “I feel neither guilt nor pity for you, Julianna. You’re the sole reason for your own unhappiness.”

  I scoffed. “It’s ironic how alike we are.”

  “I’d suggest you shut up now.” The warning in his voice didn’t deter me. Instead, it urged me on. I could handle Killian’s threats and cruel words. I’d rather those than his unsettling silence.

  “Make me,” I urged.

  “Julianna,” he growled, low and threatening.

  “Does verbally sparring with me make you hard, husband?”

  I was walking on a thin thread, crushing through the carefully laid boundaries between us. Forcing Killian to acknowledge what we had – the brewing tension and the unspoken feelings.

  His shoulders tensed. “You keep testing the limits of my sanity, wife.” He gripped the reins tighter, his eyes flaring with something dark and dangerous. “It’s quite clear now. You only married me to make my life miserable. Because why the fuck would you provoke me so much?”

  “Provocation is something we’re both familiar with.” Gripping the reins with one hand, I urged Ragna forward, so the two horses were standing beside each other, perfectly aligned. Like two fitting puzzles. “Shall we?”

  Without a word, Killian urged Cerberus into a gallop. Ragna and I followed behind him, until I pushed my mare to match Cerberus’s speed, so that Killian and I were riding side by side.

  The trees whizzed past us, our horses running free and wild. The air was cool on my skin, comforting. I didn’t have adequate words to express the freedom that came with this moment.

  It tasted bittersweet on my tongue and I savored it.

  We rode for about twenty minutes, the castle fading into the distance as we raced toward the opposite side of the island. Going deeper into the woods.

  The first thing that caught my attention was the sound of rushing water before Killian came to a stop and Ragna reared back, also coming to a halt. Next to Cerberus.

  Surprised, I gaped and took in the sight in front of me – the trees and the rocks… and the small pool of water that glistened several feet from us. A waterfall.

  “I didn’t know–”

  “Of course, you didn’t.”

  Killian dismounted, before helping me down from my own horse. My feet were unsteady underneath me as I limped closer to the water. “Why did you bring here?”

  “You must be bored out of your mind, to be stuck within that castle all day and night,” he explained smoothly.

  “This place is magical.”

  “Serene, yes. But magical is a far-fetched word to describe a waterfall,” he drawled.

  “It’s magical when I’ve never seen something like this before,” I said.

  Killian circled around Cerberus, reaching into the pouch attached to the horse’s side and took out two red apples. He fed his stallion and then my mare.

  I watched him pet Cerberus before my eyes went back to the waterfall. It beckoned me, silently tempting me.

  And I allowed myself to be swept away by its beauty. I sneaked a peek at Killian and saw that his attention was on our horses.

  I didn’t know where the newfound confidence came to be. Or maybe I just simply wanted to test how far I could push Killian until he snapped.

  It intrigued me.

  And that made me bold.

  With the sound of rushing water echoing in my ears, I slowly got rid of my clothing. My skirt went first and then my blouse, until I was partially naked.

  Killian’s breath hitched behind me. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

  “Disrobing.” I discarded my underwear, carelessly throwing my panties and bra over my pile of clothes so that I was standing bare in front of my husband.

  I spun around to face him. His body tensed, eyes raking over my chest and then the juncture of my thighs.

  “Why?” he questioned hoarsely.

  My nipples puckered at his attention. “Because I want to get in the water. Do you want to join me?”

  “Julianna,” he warned.

  My lips curled. “You hate me, right?”

  His fists clenched in a silent response. The tension between us was palpable.

  Quirking up an eyebrow, I gestured toward him. “You’re hard.”

  “For fuck’s sake,” he swore.

  I smiled before turning around and walking into the pool of water. It was neither too cold nor too hot. Just the perfect temperature. I made sure to stay by the edge, where my feet were still touching the rocks below the surface.

  I kept my back to Killian as I waded through the soothing water. A few seconds later, I heard a splash and then…

  Fingers circled my hips and he tugged me into his body. His wet, naked body.
My back was plastered against his front, his hardness digging into the curve of my ass.

  “You’re so maddening,” he rasped in my ear. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

  “The feeling is mutual,” I breathed when his lips brushed over the pulse in my throat.

  “Why are you doing this, Julianna?” The raw pain in his voice made me pause and my smile slid away.

  I let my head fall back against his shoulders, leaning my weight into him. “I don’t want to hurt you, Killian.”

  “But you are.”

  “Tell me how to fix it then.”

  “You crashed into my life like a hurricane and you promised me forever. But you stole that forever from us,” he accused, his voice cracking at the end.

  “Tell me how to fix it,” I repeated, more urgently now. His body was warm against mine in the cool water and I didn’t want to ruin this moment. I wanted it to last longer. The last time we had been this physically intimate was the night of the masquerade ball and I had been craving more of that intimacy since then.

  His hands tightened on my hips and his chest rattled with a sound, a mix of frustration and agony. “Don’t make me fall in love with you again.”

  “I can’t promise that,” I whispered. “Because it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t take you out of my heart. You’re so deep under my skin that you’ve burrowed yourself into a corner of my soul, Killian.”

  Almost like my words had snapped the last of his self-control, Killian let out a low snarl. His arm circled around my waist and he dragged me deeper into the water. I gasped, before going limp in his embrace.

  Trust. That was exactly what we lacked in our marriage.

  So I gave him the fragile piece of my heart. I trusted him, yet again.

  Killian pulled us under the waterfall and I spluttered, but then he was pushing up against the rocks. I blinked, letting the droplets of water fall from my lashes before my blurry vision cleared. When I looked around, trying to make sense of our surroundings, I realized that Killian had dragged us behind the waterfall, though our bodies were still submerged in the water.

  “You’re a wicked woman,” he said huskily. “A good liar, a pretty manipulator, and a deceiving wife. Congratulations, Mrs. Spencer. You should win an Oscar. What a flawless act that was.”

  I curled my arms around his neck and it was almost like our bodies were in sync, refusing to listen to our brains. His hands cupped my ass, lifting me, and I instinctively wrapped my thighs around his hips.

  Our bodies collided together, chest to chest. Hips to hips. My tight nipples rubbed against his chest and I swallowed my needy moan. Gooseflesh peppered my skin and I shuddered when the tip of his erection brushed against my opening. His hips bucked upward, rubbing the length of his hardness against my oversensitive clit.

  “My love is true,” I breathed shakily. “It always has been. Believe me, Kill–”

  I broke off with a gasp when Killian shoved inside me, one punishing thrust. It stole my breath from my lungs and I clung to him, my lips parted with a silent cry.

  His shaft jerked inside me and I pulsated, clenching around his length. Almost desperately. Like I wanted to keep him inside my body. Locked together.

  Our hearts thudded to the same harmony.

  His jaw was tight, his brow furrowed and his eyes pitch-black. Tension rolled through his shoulders when he pulled out, almost all the way, before thrusting back inside with the same brutal pace as before.

  I cried out and my inner walls spasmed as he seated himself fully inside my pussy, buried to the hilt. “You.” Thrust. “Drive. Thrust. “Me.” Thrust. “Absolutely.” Thrust. “Insane.”

  “Do you hate me?” I whimpered.

  “Yes,” he snarled.

  “Hate is better than nothing,” I cried out as Killian pounded inside me like a madman. His hips jerked against mine as he found a savage and painful rhythm. My eyes rolling back into my head.

  The water sloshed around us as my husband fucked me against the rocks of the waterfall. My back was scratched raw and burning, but I couldn’t find myself to care.

  The pain became pleasure and I found solace in it. This was hate and love colliding together. Nothing about it was beautiful or romantic.

  It was simply one dirty fuck to rid us of three years of sexual tension. An intense need for a quick rutting. It was filthy and desperate.

  My climax rolled through my body unexpectedly, fast and hard. I shuddered and cried out his name, my core squeezing his dick.

  “Oh fuck,” he swore, a guttural groan spilling from his lips. “Julianna.”

  Killian plunged hard inside, stretching me with every thick inch of him. One last brutal thrust and he stayed there, his length jerking inside me. Filling me with his seed.

  His forehead touched mine, as our chests heaved, and we both struggled to breathe. Killian’s eyes were squeezed shut.

  A few short seconds later, he untangled himself from me. My thighs clenched, my sex equally sore and hypersensitive from our recent fucking.

  Without a word, Killian gathered me in his arms and waded through the water. He carried me out to where our pile of clothes laid on the rocks.

  “Let’s go, Princess,” he muttered, his voice deep and hoarse. “You’ve done enough damage for today and you’re not fully healed yet.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and quickly got dressed, my clothes sticking to my wet body. Killian did the same before we both mounted our horses. The tension was heavy between us, but I didn’t dare say something to ruin this moment.

  Ragna and Cerberus led us back to the stables. Once both horses were in their respective stalls, I turned to Killian, palm stretched out.

  He stared at me like I was crazy and maybe I was…

  But I couldn’t allow us to go back to the silence – the hatred and the rage. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get my husband to trust me again, but I wasn’t giving up hope. Not yet, atleast.

  The only way for us to walk away from our tarnished past was for us to start over again. We couldn’t erase our past, but we could fix our present so that our future wouldn’t be stained with tragedy.

  “I was just all up in your cunt twenty minutes ago. You were screaming my name and practically begging me to fuck you harder and now you’re asking for a handshake?”

  I ignored his careless jab because I had grown used to his provoking remarks. He wanted to get under my skin, waiting for me to snap – well, he could damn well keep trying.

  I knew all of Killian’s tactics now and I was using them against him.

  “Hi,” I said, my eyes darting to my out-stretched hand and back to his dark gaze. “I’m Julianna. Nice to meet you.”

  Killian’s brows rose up in surprise. “Did I just fuck you into insanity?”

  “Your assholeness has no limits.”

  “Your audacity has no limits,” he shot back, before reaching out. To my utter delight, he grasped my hand in his. “Killian.”

  “Killian,” I breathed, his name rolling on my tongue.

  His hand squeezed mine. “What are you doing, Julianna?”

  “Re-writing our story.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Killian

  Two weeks later

  Sex.

  Fucking.

  Love-making.

  Rutting.

  Sex came in all different words, but the meaning was still the same.

  Though our relationship was still shaky, we didn’t lack physical intimacy in our married life. Julianna and I had consummated our marriage on every possible surface of our rooms. In the stables, in the corridor hidden by the shadows and a few more times behind the waterfall.

  That was three long years of sexual tension and we were still greedy for each other. Our appetite for sex only grew more intense each passing day, instead of being subsided after a few fucks here and there.

  While we were physically intimate, I kept a careful distance between us when it came to my feelin
gs. Though, it wasn’t from Julianna’s lack of trying. Because she had been intensely persistent to make me fall for her again.

  She tried every trick in the book, going as far as to make me mad with jealousy as she recklessly flirted with Gabriel when he came to the island a week ago, bringing two new and wild horses for me to train.

  As much as I hated to admit it, Julianna succeeded that day. I fucked her in the stables, on a stack of hay while Gabriel stood only a few feet away, his back to us while he spoke on the phone. One quick dirty rut to show her exactly who was in control.

  Little did she know…

  I never fell out of love with her.

  I still did love her. It was just that now, that love was stained with my hatred.

  But with each passing day, I realized that it wasn’t even about hate anymore. It was always about trust and allowing myself to be weak for her again.

  I had been a fool in love and ended up with a half-dead heart. A piece of her soul died with her sister that night and in return, she killed me too. I didn’t think I could handle another heartbreak at the hands of Julianna.

  I poured myself a glass of whiskey before I did something stupid like stalk back to Julianna’s room and fall asleep beside her. It was torture to untangle myself from her every night, so I could come back to my room… to an empty, cold bed.

  I downed the liquid in two big gulps and poured myself another drink. The glass was a hairbreadth away from my mouth when I paused. The door of my bedroom squeaked open. My wife peered inside and when she found me still awake, she let herself in.

  My brows furrowed at her state of disarray. Something was really wrong here. My gut churned at the sight of her like this. So desolated and heartbroken.

  Her hair was piled up in the messiest bun atop her head; her face was sweaty and flushed in distress. Julianna wrung her hands together, but I noticed how they shook. “I need a drink,” she croaked, her voice stuffy as if she had just spent hours crying.

  I gestured toward the whiskey bottle next to me. “Be my guest.”

  Julianna didn’t need to be told twice. She practically lunged for it, taking a sip right from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass. I settled back into my chair, propping my ankle over my opposite knee. “You want to tell me what’s wrong?”