Won’t Fall Again

by Liliana Rhodes

  Chapter Ten

  Tara

  “Hurry up, Tara! The movie is going to start.”

  I looked across the small cottage where Maya bounced excitedly on the couch, a bowl of popcorn on her lap. She waved the remote in the air like a wand.

  Since she arrived, we had a Friday night tradition of movie watching and girl talk. We usually stuck to romantic comedy unless we wanted to cry our eyes out, but it was always a great time.

  “Do you want whipped cream?” I called out to her.

  “Of course, I can’t believe you asked. Hot chocolate without whipped cream is like peanut butter without jelly.”

  “Hey, I like a plain peanut butter sandwich sometimes,” I said.

  “Mom always said you were weird.”

  I brought the two mugs of hot chocolate in and set them down on the coffee table.

  “How is she doing? I haven’t heard from her in weeks. Did she get back from her honeymoon yet?” I asked.

  “Uh-huh,” she mumbled as she sipped her drink. “Monday I think. I just spoke to her the other day. She’s insanely happy.”

  “That’s really great, I’m happy for her.”

  “And what about you, Aunt Tara? What’s going on with Mason? I feel like I’ve heard about him my entire life and now that he’s back in your life, you never talk about him.”

  “I don’t know. I guess things are complicated. It’s funny though because when I moved to Canyon Cove five years ago, I swore I didn’t need a man. And I meant it. Of course I dated, but not seriously. I don’t think I allowed myself to get serious about anyone.”

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “I think something inside of me really believed one day Mason would come back.” I sipped my chocolate as I thought. “You know what’s funny? About a year after I left the ranch, I started dating again. It was just a way to get out and away from work, to be honest. I was working for a traveling show and while everyone was great, I needed to get away sometimes.”

  “You joined the circus?” Maya fell over as she laughed.

  “No, it wasn’t a circus. It was a traveling show with animals and acrobats.”

  “That’s called a circus.”

  “Whatever, I didn’t care. They had horses so I had a job. They were like family.”

  “Yeah, I can imagine how a bunch of circus freaks would remind you of home.”

  I tossed a throw pillow at her head. “Remember, you’re family too,” I said.

  “I never said I wasn’t a freak.” She grinned as she tucked the pillow behind her.

  “Well, we’d end up in some cities where the performers had friends, and every so often they’d set me up on a date. There’s only so many cities, so I’d come into town and get together with them. It was a nice change from the show to be able to sit at a restaurant and act normal for once.”

  “Act normal because you were in the circus.”

  “I wasn’t in the circus,” I said, laughing. “Drop it already.”

  “So did you ever have a thing for any of these dates? Or were you just a slut?” She grinned deviously.

  “I wasn’t a slut.” I winged another pillow in her direction and she laughed as she caught it. “They were just dates, two people going out to dinner. I paid my own way a lot so there wasn’t any confusion. I had already experienced that once before. Besides, I always told them I was taken.”

  “Taken? So you lied to them?”

  “No, I was setting expectations,” I said with a grin. “And I was taken. All that time, even though I had left the ranch and North Carolina, my heart still belonged to Mason. I even remember telling some of them that if Mason ever showed up again that the dates were done and I would go back to him.”

  “So why didn’t you look for him? You knew he wasn’t going to be in Germany forever.”

  “There were a lot of reasons,” I said, shrugging. “I did have some pride, you know. But not just that, it was a different time. It’s hard to believe, but fifteen years ago, there wasn’t all this social media. Not everyone had a cell phone either. Without all those things, how do you find someone you lost?”

  She nodded her head slowly, but I could tell her wheels were spinning.

  “What about his dad?” she asked. “Didn’t you say you stayed in touch with old man Abernathy?”

  “I did. But I think we had an unspoken agreement that neither of us would ever mention Mason. He’s a very sweet man and perceptive. I never had to tell him how I felt about his son, he just knew.”

  “He sounds nothing like his wife.”

  “Well, you know what they say. Opposites attract.”

  “I still think you should give Mason a chance. You know you still love him.”

  “I do, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s not meant to be.” I sighed and slouched into the couch. “I feel like there’s been so many false starts with him this time. There’s so much in the past that I don’t know how to move forward in the present.”

  A throw pillow flew in my direction.

  “You know I love you and all, but you’re an idiot,” she said. “You’re not in the present. You’re completely living in the past and letting that dictate everything. How many times have you told me about Mason showing up to see you or pushing for you to go out with him? Do you think he’s just going to keep coming back?”

  “Ouch, Maya.”

  I turned away from her and took another sip of my hot chocolate as I thought about what she said. Why was I pushing him away? All I ever thought about was him and how much I wanted to be with him again. Was I so hard-headed that I couldn’t let the past stay in the past?

  “That’s what you get with me, tough love and a Sandra Bullock movie.”

  She turned on the movie, but no matter how much I wanted to get lost in its story, my mind kept going back to Mason. After the way he left last time, I didn’t know if there would be another chance. Our last argument was on repeat in my head.

  “And what did I have to come back to?” he hissed.

  “Me! I thought you loved me. I waited for you.”

  “That’s bullshit, Tara, and you know it.”

  “Did you really think I’d never find out?” he asked. “Did you think I wouldn’t hear about him?

  I didn’t think he’d ever find out about Jeremy. I didn’t know how he found out, but the guilt was killing me. I wasn’t just clinging to the past, my shame was very present. How could he forgive me if I couldn’t forgive myself?

  Fifteen Years Ago

  Shortly after Mason left, a new ranch hand came aboard. Usually whenever a new person was hired to work with the horses, part of the interview process was to bring them through the stables to see how they interacted with the horses. Horses were very sensitive animals, and they could tell you more about a person than talking to them.

  No one knew where Jeremy came from or who hired him. It was something I would have demanded to know in the past, before Mason. Now I was too busy feeling lost to care.

  I didn't care about much and barely knew what I was doing anymore. I didn’t bother applying for the job that Mason left vacant even though it was promised to me.

  Following routines became my life. It left me no reason to think and the less I had to think, the less I thought about him. I moved in and out of my day like a zombie.

  Jeremy seemed more interested in goofing off than doing actual work. He was tall with broad shoulders and shaggy black hair. Maddie and Lucy were crazy about him, but the only time I noticed anything with him was when I had to clean up after him.

  It was an unseasonably warm day in November. The stable was suffocating me with its musty air, so I opened up all the doors and brought one of the older horses outside to brush his coat.

  Rafa raced over from the other side of the large barn, closer to the main house. He was out of breath when he reached me.

  “What’s going on? Is everything okay?” I asked, worried.

  “The trailer is coming up the drive. The new horse is h
ere,” he said.

  “Okay, she’s a little early, but I asked Jeremy to prepare her stall yesterday.”

  “And he didn’t. Listen, I know the Baylor family. They’re real hard asses when it comes to delivering their horses. They came early to deliver a horse at my family’s ranch, but we weren’t ready. They refused to leave the horse even though it had already been paid for.”

  “Crap,” I mumbled. “Can you stall them? Maybe show them around or something so I have time to prep the stall.”

  “No problem. I’ll grab Maddie and we can double team them.”

  As I entered the stable, Rafa ran towards the driveway. In the distance, a horse trailer turned in towards the main house. I didn’t have a lot of time.

  I swept out an empty stall, then grabbed a thick rubber mat and dragged it in place. Using the wheelbarrow, I brought over shavings and was shoveling them into the horse stall when I heard someone walk in. I didn’t have time to look up to see who it was. It had to be either Maddie or Rafa letting me know my time was up.

  “Are they here?” I asked as I connected the automatic waterer.

  “No, we’re alone. Finally,” said a deep voice.

  I spun around and saw Jeremy leaning in the doorway. My first instinct was to yell at him for not getting the stall ready for our new arrival, but then I noticed something in the way he was looking at me that made me feel uncomfortable. I looked down to the other doorway, the one closer to the main house, but no one else was around.

  “I’m sure there’s some work you can do,” I said, then turned back to what I was doing, hoping he would leave.

  “I can think of other things I’d like to do.”

  He cornered me between the wheelbarrow and the water trough. I backed up as much as I could and looked for something to grab to hit him, but nothing was close enough.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Come on, Tara,” he said. “I’ve seen the way y’all look at me. You especially.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You know, that dreamy expression you get.”

  Did I do that? Had I been so out of it that I didn’t even realize I was letting this guy think I was attracted?

  “You’re dreaming,” I said.

  His arms closed around me like vise grips, pinning my arms down. As I tried to struggle free, his lips closed down on mine. I jerked back and smacked my head against the wall. I closed my eyes from the pain.

  A metallic thud filled the air. My eyes flew open as Jeremy let go of me and stumbled backwards into the hay.

  “Asshole,” Rafa muttered, holding a shovel in his hands.

  “What’s going on here?” Iris said as she entered the stable. In her hands was a camera and behind her were two businessmen I assumed were the Baylors.

  What’s she doing here, I thought.

  “That’s it,” Jeremy said, rubbing the back of his head. “You can’t pay me enough.”

  He pushed past Rafa and me and walked out. Rafa put the shovel down and ran his fingers through his hair.

  “I was just taking care of the trash,” he said. “Tara has prepared the stall for our new arrival.”

  Iris’s eyes drilled into me. I felt naked and guilty from her stare. I kept telling myself I had no reason to feel bad, but I did.

  One of the men snapped his fingers and Maddie walked in leading a man in jeans and a wide brimmed cowboy hat tugging the reins of a pale horse.

  I couldn’t stand there with Mason’s mother staring at me that way. I must have done something to make Jeremy think I was attracted to him. Why else would he act like that?

  The next day, Iris called Rafa for a meeting at the main house and he never came back to work. I wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but I had some idea. I took that guilt on as well. Mason brought him to work here to help him get focused on his life and I managed to get him fired.

  Everything weighed so heavily on me: Rafa, Jeremy, Mason, that I couldn’t stay at Abernathy Ranch anymore. My parents would be fine without me, they had Brooke and Maya now. It was time for me to find somewhere else to go. Some place that didn’t have so many memories of Mason.

  Present Day

  Maya went home shortly after the movie was over. After cleaning up, I went to bed and stared at the ceiling. The sleep I desperately wanted wouldn’t come. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mason said to me the last time I saw him. I was to blame.

  I never knew what happened to Rafa after that. And seeing Mason after so many years, I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to be reminded of my shame. I had locked it away for all these years. I condemned myself for looking at Jeremy too long, for smiling or saying hi to him too often. Whatever I might have done that triggered those events, I felt guilty about.

  The phone on my nightstand started ringing. Since it hardly ever rang, it took me a few seconds to figure out what the sound was. I reached to answer, figuring it was a wrong number.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

  The voice was deep and husky. I recognized it immediately as Mason but just as quickly convinced myself it was someone else.

  “No, I was awake.”

  “Couldn’t sleep?”

  “I’ve just been lying here.”

  “Wish I was there with you. I couldn’t sleep either.”

  I blinked a couple of times and looked at the ceiling again. Was he really on the phone? Now? After all this time?

  “I’m surprised you called,” I said.

  “I should’ve called sooner.”

  Yeah, you should have. I bit my tongue to keep from saying what I was thinking.

  “I did try calling when I was in Germany,” he said. “I tried all the time.”

  “Then why didn’t I know?”

  “Because they never told you.”

  “Who? My parents? My sister?”

  “No, my mother and whoever she hired to intercept my calls. I should’ve called my father, but we weren’t close at the time. I didn’t think it would make a difference.”

  I let the words roll over me as I breathed a sigh of relief. Hearing his mother was involved made sense to me. He didn’t owe me any explanations. Everything became clear.

  “Your mother told me you called her and Chloe. She said you called the people you cared about,” I said bitterly, unable to hide it from my voice.

  “I knew what she was doing and I let it happen,” he said. “I should have tried reaching you at home. Thinking back, I don’t know why I didn’t. I let everything else get in the way and convinced myself you’d just be there when I came home. I loved you, but I took you for granted.”

  “But you never came home.”

  “No, I told you. I heard you got engaged. I was hurt and angry, but I had no right. I wasn’t around and you thought I didn't care.”

  “Wait a second,” I said. “You keep saying I got engaged, and I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never been engaged. Despite us being over, a part of me was always waiting for you.”

  “But you looked guilty the other day. I know you, Tara. I know that look. That look told me you were keeping something from me.”

  I swallowed hard and breathed deeply. Mason was the love of my life. If I wanted things to work with him, I had to tell him everything.

  “I...I am guilty,” I said. “You’re going to think it’s stupid, but maybe I flirted with a new ranch hand. And he tried kissing me.”

  “What do you mean maybe? And if that’s it, if that’s all there is, then why do you feel guilty?”

  I closed my eyes and pulled the pillow over my head. Having to explain it after all these years was so ridiculous. As I tried to put it into words, I realized there was no reason for my shame. Whether I looked at Jeremy a certain way or not, I didn’t force him to kiss me. But I still had guilt for what happened after.

  “It was my fault that Rafa got fired,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I know he was getting into tro
uble and you brought him to the ranch to help him out, and I ruined all of it.”

  “Tara, it’s alright, it’s in the past. Just tell me what happened.”

  “What do you mean it’s alright?”

  “One thing at a time. I need to know what happened.”

  “The new guy Jeremy…tried kissing me. He was a big guy and I just wasn’t myself. I didn’t expect it and...I just...I couldn’t fight him. He had me trapped.” I sighed as I remembered Jeremy’s arms pinning mine down. “Rafa walked in and hit him with a shovel, but your mother entered the stable shortly after that.”

  “My mother was in the stable? Did you hire this Jeremy person?”

  “No, I didn’t take the manager position when you left. I couldn’t. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but I barely felt functional after you left. None of us knew who hired him.”

  “My mother,” he snorted. “I’m sure it was her. What happened after that?”

  “Jeremy quit right there and then. Your mother wanted to speak to Rafa privately and he never came back. I only stayed on for another month before I left too.”

  “I’m pretty sure I can piece together what happened.”

  “I felt so bad about Rafa that I kept this a secret. Whenever I would look you up, I’d try to find out about him too, but I could never find anything. Are you still friends with Chloe? Did she ever say anything about him?”

  “When I called Chloe from Germany, it was because I couldn’t reach you. I called her to find out if she knew what was going on at the ranch. She didn’t know what happened, but she suspected that Rafa had been fired by my mother. I didn't want to speak to her, but she was my last hope to reach you so I called and asked her to get you. Of course she didn’t.”

  I finally had the truth. After all these years, the heartache I felt when I thought about Mason leaving was dulled.

  “When I came back to the States, I started traveling. I dove into work to keep my mind off of you. There were so many times I thought of trying to find you, but I thought you were happy with someone else and it killed me just thinking about it.”