Smash & Grab: RELIC #1

by Maz Maddox

  “This is it,” he announced. “His shit is by it and he’s been working on it. Does it look like the picture?”

  One of the other men glanced at his phone and nodded. “Yeah, it matches. Plus, look.” He gave the peeking eggshell a tap. “That look like an egg to you?”

  “Pack it up.”

  I was jerked back from the table, the gun pressed into my ribs as I watched the priceless fossil being lowered into a foam lined, black and silver case with double latch locks on the side. It felt like there was a blender in my stomach whirling fear, anger and confusion into a horrifying smoothy. In what universe does a museum get robbed of a fossil? In what weird reality do they then kidnap a paleontologist to keep working on it?

  Did I fall asleep listening to the podcast and was now in a weird fever dream? Did I die from inhaling too much plaster and fossil dust and was living out paleontologist purgatory?

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” I whispered to myself.

  “It would be beneficial to your health to shut the fuck up, Professor,” the man holding me hostage said dryly. “You’ve been a massive pain in the ass tonight.”

  After the fossil was secured, the case was flipped shut, locked and hoisted up by the sturdy handle. My sweater was let go so that he could grab me by the upper arm. His fingers tug into my skin through the fabric as he turned me around, the gun still discretely pressed into my side.

  “Don’t be stupid. Stay quiet and you won’t get hurt. Understood?” he asked coldly.

  I gave a nod, my words failing me. My brain was vibrating with desperate ideas of how to escape. Should I scream when I got outside? Kick him in the balls? Jesus, I should have been taking martial arts in college instead of trying out for the swim team. I scanned my brain for any knowledge of pressure points to try and disarm my attacker, but the only one that came to mind was one in the palm that helped with headaches.

  What the hell is going to happen to me now?

  As we walked towards the lab’s exit, a sharp whistle got my kidnapper’s attention. Before I could even process what was happening, a wooden bat cracked into the skull of the man gripping my arm. His head snapped backwards as blood poured from his nose, his grip dropping away from my arm as he hit the ground. I ducked in alarm and dodged away as the bat wielding newcomer stepped from around a tall collection case.

  In an absolutely bizarre twist, a man sporting a bright pink, short mohawk, a fully decked out jacket with spikes and patches, ripped up, black skinny jeans and bubblegum pink Doc Martens emerged. He spun the slugger in his hands before getting ready to swing again. The man holding the case tried to reach for his weapon, but the mohawked attacker kicked him in the balls with his boot before swinging the bat up under his chin.

  Just as the other dumbfounded man in black tried to aim his weapon, he was kicked in the side of his knee with a pink boot, and the handle of the bat slammed into his temple. With all three men down, bloody and out cold, the pink punk caught his breath and picked up the fossil case.

  I’m sure I must have been staring at him like he had three heads as he turned towards me. His eyes were icy blue and sharp as a knife. Tattoos crept out from under his faded Game of Bones shirt that displayed a very punny dinosaur bone representation of the Iron Throne. When he grinned, the two snakebite piercing studs in his lip caught the light.

  “Hey, handsome.”

  “Wh-what the hell is happening?” I stuttered in shock.

  “We’re escaping.” He thrust the case into my chest and let it go. I juggled it like a bad circus act before finding my grip, the damn thing nearly hitting the ground. Before I could ask for clarification, he added, “Keep up,” and bolted out of the lab.

  My brain was on autopilot as I unrooted my feet and began running after him. The museum was silent as we ran together towards the exit, and I scanned the area for the security that was normally walking around this time of night.

  My mohawked savior slowed to a trot as he spun in a circle, looking around like a bouncing kitten before pulling the fire alarm. The lights on the small box began to blink as the museum erupted into a screaming symphony of sirens. I winced and ducked from the sound, hugging the case tighter to my chest.

  “Why the hell did you do that?” I demanded over the alarm.

  “To buy us time!” he yelled back, grabbing my sweater sleeve and tugging me out through the back exit. Outside, the sirens could still be heard but it wasn’t as deafening. “Now the baddies won’t chase us because they’ll be running from the cops and firemen.”

  “Where the hell was the security?” I chased after him, falling in line with him on the sidewalk. Our pace slowed down to a brisk walk so we didn’t call attention to ourselves, but I was breathing hard from the pumping adrenaline.

  “Knocked out and tied up. The cameras were shut down too.” He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his jacket and tapped them against his palm. “You didn’t drive here like a lunatic, right?”

  “No, I took the subway.” I shook my head. “Wh-what the hell is going on? Who were those guys? And who the hell are you?”

  “Those guys were hired muscle for Santiago De Leon, a scary rich fossil collector with ties to the cartel. He’s also a major thorn in my ass who I take complete delight in fucking over. The icing on the shit cake was that he sent in one of his particularly vicious goons. Did you notice the guy with the scar across his neck?” He placed a cigarette between his lips, cupping his hands around the tip to light it.

  I had taken extreme measures to notice nothing about the men who had attacked me, because I feared they would somehow notice if I did. They could have been wearing full clown makeup and I wouldn’t have noticed. I shook my head quickly.

  “No, I didn’t see it.”

  “Well,” he said around his cigarette. “That dickhead is Juan “Hyena” Gutierrez. He didn’t get that nickname for being a chuckling mutt, but because he tends to never let shit go.” After taking a long drag, he exhaled the smoke out through his nose and tossed me a smirk. “And as for me, I’m your knight in spiky armor.”

  “Holy shit.” I ran my hand over my hair, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. “This can’t be real. What...what do we do now?”

  “We’re going to head back to my hotel so you can have a panic attack, then we’ll hit the road first thing in the morning.” He gave his stomach a lazy pat. “Plus, I’m starving.”

  “Wait.” My head was swimming with all the information dumped on me, along with almost being kidnapped and stealing a fossil from the AMNH. I stopped on the sidewalk and took a long deep breath. The cool spring air nipped at my nose and cheeks, but it wasn’t cold enough for my breath to fog. After letting my blood pressure drop enough for my ears to stop throbbing, I looked at my “knight in spiky armor.”

  “Why should I trust you?” I asked simply.

  He was standing with his weight on one hip in a casual, lazy way that made him seem bored. His icy eyes watched me with an expression between bored and amused, and I couldn’t tell which one was winning. It was then I realized he had a gun strapped to his ribs under his jacket.

  Through all the excitement, I didn’t realize that he was about an inch taller than me, excluding the mohawk which added an extra three or four more inches. He looked young, maybe in his late twenties, with the thin build of a fit athlete and a deadly mischievous smirk.

  “Besides the fact that I just went full Negan on those assholes for you?” he asked with a laugh.

  “Full what?”

  “Walking Dead? C’mon, man. That show’s like ten seasons deep.” He took another pull from his cigarette, stubbed the cherry with his fingers, and pocketed the snubbed butt.

  “Yeah, I guess besides that.” I rubbed my forehead as the crash started to set in. “Why were you in the lab? How did you know they’d be there? And...where the hell are we going?”

  The punk gave a sigh and casually strolled a couple steps closer to close the gap I had placed between us. He tilted his head down
slightly to catch my eyes and held out his hand.

  “I’m Dalton.”

  “Simon.” I took his hand, which was warm and dry, and gave it a polite shake. He held on a little longer than I wanted, his lips twitching as I finally pulled my hand free.

  “Well, Simon, you got a couple choices.” He made a show of ticking off his fingers as he proceeded with a numbered list. “One, you take your chances on your own and get plucked up in probably a day. Maybe two if you’re crafty. De Leon’s lackies will find you and fly you down to Mexico. While they do have badass street tacos there, De Leon isn’t known for his bedside manner, especially toward his captives. He’ll make you work for him in prepping that lovely fossil, keep it for himself to show off to his shitty, rich friends, then probably kill you.

  “Two, you come with me to Dallas, don’t get killed, still get street tacos, and we’ll get that fossil back to Mongolia where it belongs.” Dalton tucked his hands into his pocket, done with the list. “What sounds good to you?”

  I let out a long breath. “Is there a third option?”

  “We could elope and run off to Canada together,” he added casually with a shrug. “I hear the summers there are nice.”

  “Hypothetically,” I adjusted the fossil case against my chest. “If I went with you, what would happen to me?”

  “To Canada? Baby, I’d treat you so nice,” Dalton purred with a wink.

  “No,” I said slowly, raising my eyebrows. “To Dallas.”

  “Oh.” His spiky shoulders sagged in mock disappointment, which made me rub my temple to fight the inbound headache. “We’d meet up with my team, keep you safe until the heat dies down, then get you home. We’d correspond with the Mongolian government to get the fossil back to that country so it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.”

  “Your team? Do you work for the FBI or something?”

  That apparently was insanely hilarious, because Datlon tossed his head back and barked a laugh.

  “Ah, you’re funny, Simon,” he said around a laugh, wiping off his cheeks.

  “Listen, I don’t feel comfortable going--” I clamped my mouth shut as he hooked his arm around my shoulders and grinned at me.

  “Simon. I’ll make you a deal. You can keep asking me questions after I eat dinner, ok? Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re going to crash from that adrenaline rush soon and probably need to eat too.” Dalton gave my chest a pat as he urged us forward to keep walking.

  I was starting to feel a bit drained from everything that had happened, and I couldn’t remember when I had eaten last. The logical side of my brain was starting to fade away at the promise of rest and food, so I nodded and simply let the punk rock stranger with a pink mohawk lead me down into the subway.

  Chapter Three

  Dalton

  So, I didn’t get a chance to get in some live music and dick. That sucked. But the mission did take an interesting turn. I had to hand it to the cute professor, he showed some balls to those pricks before they put a gun to his head. Sure, he crumbled after that, but most humans would. Despite looking and smelling like he spent the last couple months in a basement, he was still adorable in that nerdy, teacher way.

  He stood almost as tall as me, with pretty brown eyes and dusty blond hair that was going gray way too early. The guy was no more than thirty-five max, but gave off those sophisticated teacher daddy vibes. I have to give it to the earth science crowd, those fuckers were usually in shape. All that outdoor hiking and digging.

  Yummy.

  Though my wet dream version of him was calm and in charge, poor Simon Andrew was hardly that. He was shaken, exhausted and had a perpetual look of a Gallimimus staring down a T. rex. Or a deer in the headlights, I guess.

  He looked scared, is what I’m saying.

  After some decent Chinese food, Simon fell asleep in the chair tucked in the corner of the small hotel room. He kept the case hugged to his chest like a very uncomfortable teddy bear. It was tempting to let him snooze while I went out for a quick hunt or fuck, but I wasn’t sure if the scared paleontologist would flee into the night.

  So, I just went to sleep. Without getting a full belly or my dick sucked.

  My life can be disappointing sometimes.

  I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating off the side table, so I rolled over and slapped at it before pulling it up to my face.

  “What.”

  “Update?” Montana’s voice was too loud for any-o’clock in the morning. I grumbled and tucked my head under a pillow, bringing the phone with me.

  “I got it.”

  “I know you got it. It’s all over the news.”

  Oh, he sounded annoyed.

  “De Leon’s men were there first. Specifically, Hyena and his fan club. They broke in, disabled the cameras and tied up the guards. Did anyone find them?” I asked.

  “The guards, yes. Hyena and his men, no. But it’s been leaked that the fossil is missing. Royal was able to confirm that they’re not looking for you, but you need to keep a low profile. If he sent in Hyena, he’s taking this fossil very seriously.”

  “That’s my middle name, boss.” I rolled over and rubbed at my deflated mohawk. “Old inconspicuous Dalton, that’s what they call me. And when does this prick ever take something not seriously?”

  “You’ll be happy to know that I think driving back would be safer than flying.”

  I gave a little, lazy cheer of delight. I wasn’t going to get back on a plane, even if daddy Montana had made arrangements. I wasn’t going to show my face back at the airport after puking on the cute twink flight attendant who tried to slip me his number.

  I may not have a lot of shame, but that one stung.

  “Keep me updated on your route and ETA,” Montana ordered.

  “Yes, daddy.”

  “Don’t call me--” I hung up with a yawn and sat up in bed. Simon was rubbing his tender neck after sleeping with it at a very awkward angle for hours.

  “Morning, starshine,” I called over. “You may want to check your phone. The museum made the news.”

  Simon’s Gallimimus eyes were back as he fumbled through his pockets, tugging the phone free. He rubbed at his face as he listened to the voicemails waiting for him, his skin somehow getting paler.

  “The police are asking me to come into the station.”

  “Well, that’s not happening.” I rolled over again to try reaching for my jacket that past me had stupidly hung away from the bed. I reached for it, but my Jedi mind powers did nothing to move it closer for me.

  “I have to. They said they need a statement since I was the last one at the museum.” He swallowed thickly. “You don’t think...they know we have it, do you?”

  “Why would you take it?” I let my arm flop down and turned to look at him. “What’s the motive?”

  “To keep it safe from thieves.”

  “Oh, my sweet summer child.” I sighed.

  “Well, it’s true!” He waved at the case like it was the holy grail of evidence. “That’s what happened!”

  “Ok.” I pushed myself up in bed and stretched, cracking my back and getting a very nice yawn in before standing. Simon leaned back into the seat as I walked over to him and put my hands on my hips. “Here’s the plan. You’re going to call the nice policeman--”

  “Woman,” he corrected.

  “Person,” I supplied. “Police person, human, whatever. Call them, tell them you left at nine fifteen and went home. You saw nothing weird and everything was there when you left.”

  He scowled. “And what if they ask why I’m not coming in?”

  “You went out of town.”

  “Seems convenient, don’t you think?” he asked in a dismissive tone. “The museum gets robbed and I’m just randomly out of town? Plus, they’re going to see us leaving together.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. The cameras were disabled and erased. No evidence of anything timeframe wise. And you’re allowed to go out of town to visit your family.”

 
“My family lives here,” he said flatly.

  “Then your long-distance boyfriend.” I bent at the waist to wink at him.

  “I don’t…” he stammered and I snickered, turning to find my pants.

  “I dunno, man. Make something up. You have to go get some ass implants. Your aunt who runs an animal rescue needs help chopping up her husband to feed to tigers.” I tugged my pants on and plucked my cigarettes from my jacket. “Lie.”

  “I think it’s better if we just tell them what happened.” Simon was on his feet, rubbing his eyes with his finger and thumb. “Lying is going to make it worse.”

  “Nope.” I pulled my boots on and stomped down to adjust them. “De Leon’s got informants in most police departments. How do you think he’s able to sneak around so well? Most of the cops there would be on your side, but it would only take one to rat you out. You’d be plucked up or…” I drew my finger across my throat and stuck out my tongue.

  “What do you base this on?” Simon’s brows furrowed as he shook his head in disbelief. “That sounds ridiculous.”

  “It does, doesn’t it?” I scooped up my phone and scrolled through Royal’s intel reports before landing on the one I needed. “These are some encrypted emails from Santa Corp to various police departments, judges, detectives, and even a couple fucking security guards. That’s his company. He keeps lots of people on his payroll.”

  Simon’s face went from annoyed and skeptical to sickened. “This is disgusting.”

  “Yeah, he’s a real fucking treasure.” I put my phone away once he had enough. “So, in short: cops bad, Dalton good. If you don’t think you can lie to the cops, then don’t call them. We gotta get on the road right after breakfast.”

  Simon ran both of his hands through his messy hair, the gray really standing out when he was stressed.

  “I’m going to shower and think of what to say.”

  I tossed my shirt and jacket on. “I’m going to go smoke and get some bullshit hotel breakfast. Simon.” I waited until he looked in my direction. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. You’re cute as a button, but I’ll toss you to the wolves if you fuck all this up. I’m going to keep you safe, yeah? But only if you follow my lead. Can you do that?”