by Jacqui Penn
Watching lights come on and the slow lead into the morning sunshine had not prepared Sophia for the hubbub at the airport. So many people. Some hurrying, dragging cases, calling to children, queues at desks and transporters beeping to get people out of the way as they drove passengers needing assistance to their planes. Simon took charge, scouring the television monitor for desk numbers.
‘There it is. Madrid, desk two three two.’ He looked over at the desks. ‘This way. Eddie, get off the luggage trolley, it’s heavy enough as it is.’ They made their way to what looked to Sophia like the longest queue of all and joined the end. They inched forward towards the desk and eventually, Simon gave in and sent Eddie and Charlie off for snacks from the machine.
As Sophia saw her case disappear from sight on the conveyor, her stomach churned. It’s never too late, she heard Nellie’s words.
They made their way to the security area and showed their boarding passes. People were taking off their boots and placing little transparent bags holding liquids in the large black trays. Simon pulled a tray out and put his wallet, mobile and loose change in it. ‘I think you need your own tray. Shall I take Giorgia while you sort out your stuff?’
Sophia stood rooted to the spot. ‘Sophia!’ He clicked his fingers near her face. ‘Hello, anyone at home?’
She gulped, aware of someone letting an impatient breath out somewhere behind her. She felt hot. ‘I can’t do this. I’m not going.’
Simon’s face dropped. ‘What?’ He rubbed his hand over his mouth. ‘Come on, Sophia. It’ll be fine once we’re there. It’s just nerves.’ Now his eyes were pleading.
She shook her head. ‘No! It won’t be fine. Nothing’s fine. I’m sorry.’ She turned to see a line of people hovering behind her, those closest trying to look as though they weren’t listening. A few went to join another queue. She wiped the beads of sweat from her brow.
Simon picked up his belongings from the tray and stuffed them into a pocket. ‘Come on, boys. Over here.’ He held Sophia’s elbow and gently ushered her away from the line of people, now looking agitated at the hold-up.
Tears pricked. ‘I’m sorry. I never wanted to move to Spain. I’m not going.’
Eddie’s big eyes bore into her. ‘I want to go to Spain.’
Simon hardened his eyes in an attempt to hush Eddie. ‘I can’t not go now. I haven’t even got a job here anymore.’ He sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I know I pushed you into this, but I was so sure the idea would grow on you. It’s a dream come true; we have to go.’
‘It’s your dream, not mine and I don’t have to go. I am sorry, but that’s my decision.’ She sounded calm and more in control than she felt. Why had she left it until now?
Simon’s bottom lip quivered. ‘Don’t do this. We’ll be fine. Just give it a chance, that’s all I ask.’
‘There are things I need to tell you. Not here, but…’
‘Don’t. I don’t want to hear…’ His eyes watered. ‘What am I supposed to do? You’re not sorry or you wouldn’t be doing this.’ He looked around at anything rather than meeting her eyes.
She changed the weight onto her other leg. ‘You’d better go. Phone me and let me know you got there okay.’
Simon almost jumped on the spot, his knees bending and then straightening again. ‘For fuck’s sake! You are so fucking selfish!’ His eyes blazed. He pushed the boys towards security and didn’t look back.
She stood for a moment, staring at them, as Simon emptied his pockets into a tray once again. It would be so easy to walk over there, put it down to nerves, live the lie in Spain; everyone happy, but her. Her body shook and her mouth was dry. She strapped Giorgia into her pushchair and went to look for the train station.
After two changes, she was finally on the train back to Canterbury and she relaxed a little. She glanced at her watch. Simon and the boys would be on the plane by now. She heaved a sigh and knew she’d made the right decision. She didn’t have a plan. She couldn’t go to Simon’s house and she didn’t want to. She’d go and see Nellie—she’d set her straight.
Nellie frowned from the doorway as Sophia walked up the path towards her. ‘You’re supposed to be in Spain. What’s…?’ She stopped as Sophia got closer and she could see her expression and red puffed eyes. She bit into her bottom lip. It looked like the shit had finally hit the fan. ‘Come on, sweetheart. I’ll get the kettle on.’
Sophia had tried to keep her tears of self-pity at bay on the train, but now, with Nellie, she could hold them back no longer. ‘I’m so horrible. I left them at the airport.’
Nellie turned to face her. ‘You went to the airport and then came back?’
Sophia nodded. ‘I couldn’t go. It’s all such a mess. Simon says I’m selfish, and he’s right.’
Nellie wheeled herself across the kitchen, a look of defiance on her face. ‘No, you’re not. You made a choice and that’s your right. Everyone has a choice in life. You never wanted to go to Spain, and I’d say he was the selfish one arranging and going for promotion without ever considering your feelings. He’s run roughshod over you! You took on those boys, like a second mum, and what thanks did you get? He just used you to babysit so he could stay later at work.’ She paused for breath. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to rant… But I’ve stayed quiet all this time.’
Sophia dropped her soggy tissue in the bin and pulled a fresh one from her bag. ‘I don’t think he meant to use me. I never felt like that.’
Nellie made the tea. ‘Maybe not, but he expected you to run around while he carried on. Even when you had Giorgia, he still went back to work straight away. Okay, he left early to collect the boys from school, but not until you’d told him you couldn’t do it.’
‘You never said anything.’
Nellie passed Sophia her tea, and reached over for the biscuit tin, placing it on the table. ‘I didn’t like to. It wasn’t my business, but now when you come here taking all the blame, it’s time to speak up. You did what you did, and by God, you’re not the first and won’t be the last. Anyway, what I’m saying is it takes two, and somewhere deep down you know you only stayed with Simon out of loyalty and that loyalty was not returned. You gave up the man you loved for a man who needed you, it was probably a non-starter.’
Sophia’s eyes were dry. She’d never heard Nellie rant on before now and what she said made perfect sense. ‘You’re right. I really did think that Gio was in my girlish dreams until he turned up again. I believed things with Simon would all go back to how it was before, but it never did. I couldn’t control what was in my head.’
‘You mean your heart.’
Sophia managed a smile and nodded. ‘When I first saw Giorgia, I knew I had to do something, but I wasn’t strong enough. Then when I got to the security desk, it just hit me and I knew I couldn’t go to Spain. I knew what I had to do.’
‘Probably your subconscious telling you something. You knew it wasn’t right.’ Nellie took the lid off the biscuit tin and pushed it towards Sophia. ‘Have a biscuit.’ Sophia took one and nibbled at the chocolate covering. ‘Stay here a while. At least until you feel a bit better.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Don’t be daft. We’d love to have you, wouldn’t we Mutley? He knows something’s wrong. Look at him sulking in the corner.’
Sophia looked across the kitchen. Mutley was curled up in a ball, looking at her. She bit into another biscuit, suddenly things seemed a bit brighter. ‘Thank you. If it’s alright, we will stay. I feel better already.’
‘You’ve had all this hanging over you for a while. You’ve taken the first step and it might not always be easy, but I’m sure it’s for the best.’ Nellie tipped the end of the biscuit tin upwards. ‘You must be feeling better, all the chocolate ones have gone.’ She took a ginger nut and dunked it. ‘It’ll be lovely having you here.’
After less than a week at Nellie’s house, Sophia had made a decision. She would spend a few days cleaning her father’s house and then she’d move there. If she didn’t feel comf
ortable in the house in a few months’ time, she’d sell.
She missed Simon and the boys, often finding herself wondering how they were finding their Spanish adventure. She hadn’t heard anything from Simon which felt weird. She thought he might want to stay in touch, after all, he still didn’t know the truth about Giorgia.
Giorgia stayed awake after her feeds now, but she sat, contented in her chair, watching Sophia cleaning and packing up bags and boxes. The boxes were going in the small bedroom for sorting out later and the bags were going to charity shops or in the dustbin. Remarkably, there weren’t many bags for the bin, her father had been quite an essentials man.
In the bottom of a built-in cupboard in the bedroom that was to eventually be Giorgia’s, there were some boxes that her father obviously hadn’t unpacked since moving in. They were labelled, stuff to sort. Sophia moved them to the storage room. She was looking forward to spending her evenings sorting out a box at a time. She held unexpected feelings for the father who abandoned her and enjoyed getting to know bits about him through his belongings. It was all she had left of her family.
Sophia had returned to Simon’s house to pick up her things. Not that she had much there. She’d never managed to stay anywhere long enough to accumulate much other than clothes. The airport had taken a week to organise a time she could go and pick up the suitcase she’d packed for Spain. On that awful morning, she hadn’t given it a thought and walked away without it. After imagining the case would be lost in Madrid, she found it had been unloaded in London when they knew she wasn’t on the plane.
Nellie had wheeled herself out, next to the car. ‘Whatever am I going to do? I’m going to miss you both so much.’ She looked tearful.
‘We’re not that far away, you’re always welcome. I’ve got a spare bed, so you and Mutley can come and stay with us anytime.’
Nellie’s face brightened. ‘We’d like that. Don’t be strangers now. You keep in touch.’
Sophia kissed her cheek. ‘Of course. Thank you for putting me back on track.’
‘I did nothing of the sort. You did it. Take special care, sweetheart. I’ll give you a call tonight.’
Sophia climbed into the car. ‘Okay. Don’t forget you promised John a pizza tonight.’
‘Oh, God! I had forgotten. I’ll have to nip to the supermarket. Drive carefully. Love you.’
‘Love you, too.’ Sophia tooted the horn at the end of the road as she turned out.
Sophia felt a strange sort of calmness, as she headed to Birchington. She smiled to herself. She’d made the right decision and today was the beginning of a new life for her and Giorgia.
Chapter 29
Sophia hung her clothes in the wardrobe and sorted Giorgia’s things into the drawers. She’d have to get another set of drawers at some time. For now, if she was careful, she had enough money to keep her going until Giorgia was older. Her father dying had actually made the transition to living on her own an easy one. She did wonder, and berated herself for the thought, that if she didn’t have somewhere to go and money, would she have stayed with Simon? But then she heard Nellie’s voice again and realised that Simon probably used her as much as she’d used him. It hadn’t always seemed like that and she looked back at the start of their relationship with fondness; only fondness, never love, and that surprised her.
Sophia adapted to life in Birchington, taking daily strolls into the town which seemed to have missed progression into present times. The little baker’s sold cream horns, doughnuts and iced buns individually and the aroma of freshly baked bread nearly always lured her in. She’d spotted gingerbread men and longed for the day she’d be buying one for Giorgia; that was her first realisation that she intended to stay in this quaint little village for the foreseeable future.
She often ambled into Just A Second, which unsurprisingly sold second-hand goods, and that day, she had purchased a vase. She smiled to herself as she unwrapped the mounds of protection the woman in the shop had secured it with.
The supermarket seemed to sell everything but wasn’t a fraction of the size of the ones she’d been used to. Shopping had never been so easy. Only herself to buy for and little aisles to wander up and down with all the time in the world. People had welcomed the new mum into the fold, cooing over Giorgia and never too busy for a chat. She had yet to meet anyone who knew her dad and she had a sneaking suspicion that unless she ventured into the bookies, no one would have known him.
Another favourite place to visit when the weather allowed, was the beach. As she opened the front door each morning, the first thing that hit her was the smell of seaweed. She loved it. As she neared the beach the aroma grew stronger until she could feel it inside her. Who would have thought she’d love anything of her father’s so much? For all his shortcomings, he’d given her so much at the end. Such a shame he hadn’t had the courage to find her and share his life with her.
The beach stretched on with a promenade leading to a café up a slight hill. Sophia always walked the length of the beach and then stopped for a coffee before heading back. When Giorgia was bigger she’d build sandcastles with her on this beach and paddle, jumping over the waves as they tumbled into shore. Would she have found Gio by then?
The first weeks in Birchington flew past with so many new places to fall in love with, and she’d made a start on one of the boxes her father had left packed. Among old photos of herself and Kara, she found letters she’d sent from the children’s home. They’d been well-thumbed. She took them out and read them one at a time. She couldn’t recall writing them, only waiting for replies that never surfaced. She carefully replaced each one in its envelope and placed them in a pile of photos she intended to keep. Her father had obviously read them over and over and rather than pleasing her, pain stabbed her chest.
Nellie and Mutley were coming to stay for a few days and Sophia drove to collect them.
‘Look at you,’ Nellie said as Sophia bounced up the path with Giorgia on her hip. ‘That Birchington air certainly agrees with you. And look at you.’ She stroked Giorgia’s leg. ‘What a beautiful smile.’
Sophia followed her into the hallway. ‘I love it there. My dad did nothing for me in his entire life, but he gave me everything I could have wished for when he died.’
‘It’s lovely to see you looking so relaxed and happy. I haven’t seen you looking like this since… Well, definitely since Giorgia, but even a long time before then.’ Nellie wheeled herself into the kitchen. ‘Tea, coffee, or something cold?’
‘Coffee, please.’ Sophia pulled a chair out from under the table and lowered herself down. ‘She is so heavy now. I take her to be weighed, but I don’t go often, I can tell she’s putting on enough weight.’
‘Have you heard from Simon?’
‘Not a word. It feels strange without them all, but I have to admit I don’t think about him often now.’ She lifted her coffee and then replaced it on the table without drinking any. ‘I had the letter I sent to Gio returned with no forwarding address written on it.’
‘Oh… That must have been disappointing. Is there anywhere else you can try?’
Sophia nibbled her bottom lip and shook her head. ‘I can’t think of any other way. I really thought the Airforce would know where he was.’ She shrugged. ‘There’s not a lot else I can do.’
Nellie reached across and placed her hand onto Sophia’s. ‘The main thing is that you’re happy. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.’ She sipped her coffee. ‘Anyway, I’m all packed and raring to go. I can’t wait to see this house of yours and the prom sounds wonderful for my chair.’
Sophia’s face brightened. ‘It is. I push Giorgia along there most days. We’ll just finish our coffee and get going while it’s nice. We could take a stroll along the beach this afternoon.’
‘I don’t know the last time I felt this excited.’ Nellie downed the rest of her coffee in one. ‘I’m ready.’
Sophia giggled, shook her head, picked up her mug. ‘I don’t feel rushed, don’t worry,
I’ve been here all of ten minutes.’ She drank her coffee and stood. ‘Hold Giorgia while I get your bag in the boot.’
Nellie held out her arms and Giorgia smiled. ‘Come here my little gorgeous.’
Sophia went to the bag she’d noticed by the front door as she’d come in. She lifted it. ‘Good grief! What have you got in here? I thought you were only staying a few days.’
‘You never know. I thought I’d pack for any eventuality.’
Sophia shook her head and had an idea of how things would be for the days ahead. She loved Nellie.
Nellie sat in a big comfy armchair. ‘I am so tired. It’s not like I had to walk the length of the beach.’
‘It’s the fresh sea air. I was like that at first.’
‘You’ve got a lovely place here. I shall have to come again.’ She brought her hand up to her mouth and yawned.
‘Do you want to go to bed?’
‘No. I only arrived today, I can’t leave you on your own.’
Sophia pulled herself up from the sofa. ‘Come on. I’ll get you some water.’
Nellie lifted herself into her wheelchair. ‘It is good of you to put a bed down here in the back room for me. I don’t honestly think I’d be much company if I stayed up; I’m knackered.’
‘I’ll leave the light on in the downstairs loo, so you can find it in the night.’
Sophia placed the water on a chair next to Nellie’s bed and lifted her case up onto another chair. ‘Will you be okay, or do you want me to help you?’
‘No, love. I’ll be fine thanks. I feel awful leaving you so early. What will you do? Have an early night?’
