Making Our Way Back

by Jennah Thornhill

  What I wouldn’t do for a large glass of wine to magically appear in my hand... any second now…. Nope it doesn’t happen.

  Remembering I have a tiny human growing inside of me, I opt for juice instead of the bottle of wine that’s screaming at me from inside the fridge door.

  Then I shit you not, from nowhere the most agonising pain stabs me right across my stomach. It feels like someone is stabbing me repeatedly with a knife, and at the same time I feel something warm running down my legs. Holding onto the kitchen unit for support, I breathe my way through the pain.

  Sliding my robe open with one hand, I look down between my legs. That’s when I know something is seriously wrong, because smeared on my thighs is blood. More blood than I thought humanly possible for a pregnant woman to lose unless...

  Please god no, my baby.

  I slowly make unsure steady steps back into the living room. I need my phone and quick.

  I have to save my baby. Kane’s baby.

  “Donna!” I scream down the phone, when she eventually answers. “I need you to come get me, I think I’m losing the baby.” No questions, nothing.

  “I’ll be there in five, I promise.” That girl is my rock, if I fell she’d be there to pick me straight back up again. Once I’ve ended the call, I go into the bathroom to try and clean myself up, the best I can. I grab the cloth hanging on the towel rail, I wet it and wipe away most of the blood from of my legs, noticing I’m still bleeding, I manage to get to my room and grab the biggest knickers I own and lucky enough I have some pads left from my last period. I think I’ve sorted myself out enough till I get to the hospital, but the pain is getting worse and I can’t do anything about it.

  Just as she promised, Donna is letting herself into my apartment no less than five minutes later, I hate to think what traffic violations she’s broke to get here, but that’s for another time, I’ve got more important things going on at the minute than to worry about Donna and her driving skills.

  When she walks in, I’m leaning over a chair in my living room to try and help with the pain, only it’s not helping in the slightest if anything it’s getting worse with every second that passes, every breathe I breath in.

  “Oh my god... Luce.” She sobs when she sees me. I know what’s scared her. The blood. It’s all over my kitchen floor, and a big puddle of dark red blood is right in her line of sight. I haven’t had the chance to clean it up yet. I’m getting weaker and I’m starting to find it impossible to walk any further.

  In the background I hear Donna on the phone and asking for an ambulance asap, explaining to them that I’m twelve weeks pregnant and that I’m bleeding more than one should be, and that I’m in pain, which is only getting worse.

  My knees give way on me and I crash to the floor, but not before I hear Donna scream. “Noooooo.”

  I feel like I’m moving, but not quite sure how. My legs aren’t moving, and I know I’m not walking because I feel like I’m floating. Just when my eyes start to flicker I hear voices coming from all around me. All calm soothing voices, well, all except one.

  Donna’s.

  She sounds anything but calm, she’s angry, but more than anything she’s panicked, frantic.

  “Is she going to be ok? Is the baby ok? There was so much blood? I...I.. didn’t know what to do.” She sprouts one question after another.

  “We’ll able to tell you more when the doctor has been and examined her.” I realise then where I am, I’m in the hospital, so that must be the nurses. I passed out, the blood, the pain.

  I remember it all. But then it all went black when I hit the floor.

  Oh god, I hope the baby is ok?

  “Don?” I scream reaching out for her hand.

  “It’s ok Luce, I’m here.” I feel her hand grab mine. “Everything is going to be ok… I promise.”

  “Kane… you need to tell Kane, please.” That's the last thing I say to her before I’m ushered into a private room. I hope she heard me, as she never did answer me.

  I’m only in the room a few minutes before a doctor rushes into the room to examine me.

  “Hello Miss Kennedy, I’m Dr. Hugh. I’m just going to feel your belly and then we’ll do an ultrasound to see how your baby is doing. Is that ok?” She asks me very sweetly and politely, but on the same hand she comes across rather confident and has an authoritative tone to her voice that you just don’t what to argue with. I couldn’t give a shit if she was a crazy looney person right now, as long as she tells me my baby is going to be ok.

  Kane

  M y head is pounding, and I’m a tad bit disoriented.

  Fuck, how much did I have to drink last night? So much for hitting the gym.

  Peeling one eye open, I see the almost empty bottle of Jack, well that explains why I can’t move my limbs. My head is telling me to move them, yet nothing is happening.

  My stomach recoils as the stench of whiskey hits my nostrils, making me throw up a little in my mouth.

  “Fuck sake Kane, pull your shit together.” I mutter to myself. My mouth is as dry as the Sahara desert. I need water and paracetamol, and I needed it yesterday.

  If Luce could see me now she’d be so disappointed in me, she’d think I’m not fit to be a father, or be a part of their lives.

  I wouldn’t blame her, I’ve brought all this on myself.

  I’m a poor excuse of a man.

  No, that’s not happening, over my dead body.

  I need to pull myself together, even though my weak, sore body does it’s best to protest, I sit myself up on the edge of the bed, with my head between my legs, or tail as some people say. But at least I made it to the bed, I could have ended up on the bathroom floor last night.

  Giving myself a mental pep talk, I finally find the strength to move, on unsteady legs mind you, but I’m up. It’ll do. I slowly and carefully drag my feet, and myself into the kitchen area. Going into the cupboard I grab a glass, taking it to the sink I run the water whilst I locate the tablets for my poor, abused head. Once I find them I walk back towards the sink and put the glass under the freezing cold water, turning it off once it’s filled my glass. I pop the two pills into my mouth and take a massive mouthful of water, tipping my head back so I can swallow them. When I’ve done that I down the rest of the water, ridding my mouth and tongue of the god awful taste from the bottle of Jack I drank. I wash the empty glass out and place it on the draining board, then bracing my hands on the edge of the unit, I try my best to gather my thoughts and to collect myself.

  It’s proving to be quite difficult in my delicate state.

  After a couple of seconds I come to the conclusion that enough time has passed, I need to see Lucy. She must have calmed down some by now, surely.

  First things first, I need a shower and a shave, so I make my way to the bathroom.

  I have a quick shower, run the electric shaver over my stubble and add a dash of her favourite aftershave.

  Every little helps right?

  I pull on a pair of dark jeans and a black Hugo Boss t-shirt from the wardrobe and grab my all white Nike’s from the bag that Marcus gave me last night. I take a look in the mirror and have a mess with my hair, before giving up and going with the messy bed hair look. I couldn’t give a shit anyway, I’ve got more important things to worry about.

  I make my way through to the living area and grab my wallet, phone and car keys out of the bowl on the unit by the side of the door.

  I don’t contemplate that I shouldn’t be driving, as I’m more than likely over the limit still. But needs must, I won’t be making a habit out of it.

  Flicking the key fob, my car opens. I climb into it and make my way towards Lucy’s place. I don’t think about what I’m going to say when I get there, there’s no point. When I see her I know I’ll forget everything I was going to say anyway, she can make me forgot about everything with just one look at her face or one touch of her skin.

  I pull up outside her apartment block, cut the engine and jump out so fast, yo
u’d think my backside was on fire.

  Locking my car, I make my way to the building, climbing the stairs two, maybe three at a time. When I reach her floor my heart is beating out of my chest, not because I’ve just climbed a few hundred stairs. No, it’s because I’m about to see her again, after everything that happened last night. This is where she’ll either make me whole again, or cut me in half and stop my heart from beating all together.

  Once I’m at the door I hesitate whether or not to use my key and let myself in, or knock and wait for her to answer. She wouldn’t know it’s me, as I never actually told her I was on my way over. If I did, would she even let me in? I go for the latter and knock.

  I wait a good ten seconds before knocking again. Nothing. I can’t see her going out anywhere, not after what went down here yesterday.

  A dreadful, ghastly feeling washes over me, my whole body starts to shake. Something’s not right, I know it, I can sense it. I normally sense when Lucy is close by and at this moment in time. I feel nothing, no Lucy.

  I fumble with my keys, even though they were already in my hand, trying to find the right fucking key.

  “Shit… Luce? Lucy, are you in there?” No answer. I eventually find my key and put it in the lock, throwing the door open as soon as it clicked open. I run inside slamming the door behind me.

  “Luce, It’s me baby girl. where are you?” I’m met with silence.

  I wander further into the apartment but I’m stopped in my tracks when something on the kitchen floor catches me eye.

  “Oh god.. Please no.” All the blood drains from my body as I fall to the floor where there’s a pool of blood. I know It’s Lucy’s.

  But why? How?

  I swear to god if anybody’s hurt a single hair on her head, I’ll rip them limb from fucking limb. Man or woman, I wouldn’t care.

  Ripping my phone out of my jeans pocket, I hit dial on Coles number. He’s my first port of call. At the same time, I run down the stairwell, heading for my car. Even though I have no fucking clue where I’m going.

  “Where the fuck is she?” I bark down the phone the second he picks up.

  I’ll never un-see that amount of blood, it wasn’t normal. I’m being irrational shouting at Cole, but my fear is making me this way.

  “Well hello to you too Kane, and for your information I don’t know she never turned up this morning or called, I presumed you had her tied to the bed.” He laughs at his little joke.

  “Cole trust me when I say, I’m not joking around right now, I need to find her.” That soon shuts him up.

  “Kane, I don’t know what to tell you. I haven’t heard from her. What's wrong Kane?”

  “It’s nothing Cole. Just... if you hear from her will you please tell her to call me straight away?”

  “Yes of course.” The second he answers me I hang up, no goodbye, nothing.

  I sit in my car, banging my head against the steering wheel. For the life of me I can’t get my hungover brain to co-operate with me. The thing just doesn’t want to work today, especially now I need it to. I’d call Donna but I don’t have her number, now I’m kicking myself for not getting it from her.

  Valerie! That woman knows everything. Why didn’t I think of her first?

  Because your brain is full of Jack Daniels. A voice in the back of my head tells me.

  Dialling Valerie's desk at the office with very shaky hands, I hope she knows something.

  “So you are alive then?” She says sarcastically.

  I’m confused by her question.

  “Of course I’m alive, what would make you think I wasn’t?”

  “Well you clearly don’t check your phone do you? Because if you did, you’d see I’ve been trying to call you all bloody morning.” Pulling my phone from my ear, I see that my voicemail box is flashing at me, indicating that I do indeed have messages waiting for me.

  Fuck. All this could’ve been avoided, if only I had check my damn phone.

  In that moment I make a silent promise to myself, to stay away from the whiskey, and never drink it again.

  “Ok so I’m a grade a dick who didn’t check his phone, now can you please tell me why you were calling me and at the same time please tell me it has something to do with Luce, otherwise I don’t want to know.” My voice is desperate, if she comes up empty I don’t know what else to do.

  “You’re in luck my boy, Donna her friend called and left several messages late last night…”

  “Val, I love you like your my own mother, but if you don’t cut to the chase and tell me where she is, I will fire you right this second.” I warn her, so she knows I’m not messing around.

  “Ok… Ok keep your boxers on will you, Donna left several messages saying that she was at Saint Thomas hospital with her and could I let you…” I cut the call before she can ramble on anymore at me. Starting the car, I press my foot to the pedal, hitting the gas and speed out of there at a pace that should have me arrested. But I can’t go slow, she’s in the hospital again, she needs me whether she knows it or not.

  Pulling up outside the main entrance of the hospital, I abandon my car in my bid to get to her quicker. I couldn’t give a toss if it got towed, some kids could hotwire it and take it joyriding for all I care.

  I make it to reception in record time, giving Usain Bolt a run for his money, I didn’t even break a sweat. but my heartbeat is thumping against my chest, beating ten to the dozen, I need to see her, make sure she’s ok, that her and the baby are both ok.

  What could have happened to her in that short space of time for her to be back in hospital? And that amount of blood loss can’t be good for either of them.

  Just as I’m about to demand the poor woman at reception to tell me where Luce is I hear Donna.

  “Kane? Oh, thank god. You're an impossible person to get hold off, do you know that?” She tells me whilst she gives me a stern look. She’s saved the receptionist from my wrath, not that she would have deserved any of it in the first place. I Turn my attention to Donna as she walks towards me.

  “Where is she? Are they both ok?” I ask walking up the corridor meeting her halfway, my whole body is shaking, waiting for her to tell what? I don’t know. I just hope it’s good news and not bad. I can’t take any more bad news, Luce doesn’t deserve anymore heart ache in her life, she’s been through the mill and back. She’s had enough bad news to last her a lifetime if not longer.

  “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since last night. She gave me a pissing heart attack when I walked through her door, all I saw was blood and her scream at me in pain.” I’d wish she would shut up and just tell me what I need to know.

  “Donna, please. Is she ok? Is the baby ok?” I plead with her.

  “She’s fine, the baby’s fine. But there’s something you need to know… I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but I will.” She shakes her head as a silent tear falls down her cheek. “She was pregnant…. with twins Kane.” My whole life flashes right before my eyes. I don’t miss the word was leaving Donna’s mouth.

  “Twins…. We were never told that, how did they miss that?” I’m raging, but at the same time I’m saddened that Lucy has had to go through all this and I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most. I’m disgusted in myself. No one can make this pain go away, not even Luce. I can’t imagine how she must be feeling.

  This is all my fault, I caused all the stress to her body.

  My heart lurches in in my throat when I realise that I played a part that could have killed my own flesh and blood, did kill my own flesh and blood because at the end of the day we’ve still lost a baby I don’t need Donna to confirm it for me, the sadness in her eyes tells me everything I need to know.

  “Kane, you can’t go in there all guns blazing, that’s why I told you now, she needs you calm and collective, not bloody throwing your weight around and demanding answers. She was told it’s common for women to bleed in the early stages of pregnancy, and with the amount
of blood she lost, well let’s just say she was lucky.” She wipes her face with her hands before continuing. “When she was bleeding, there were big clots too, that’s when the doctor confirmed it was a twin pregnancy but unfortunately she was losing one of them. I’m so sorry Kane.” She pulls me in for a hug, one I don’t respond to. I don’t feel anything, my body is numb from my neck down.

  “How is she now. And the other baby?” I ask on a shaken whisper. She pulls away from me and looks me in the eyes.

  “Baby is fine, but she’s not good, she hasn’t spoken a word since the doctor told her that, she’s done nothing but shed a bucket load of tears. Not that I blame her, I don’t know what I would do in her shoes. Kane, be gentle with her please, she’s fragile.” She’s right, I can’t go in there demanding answers like I want to, I just need to be there for Luce and hopefully she will let me help her get through this.

  “Thank you Donna… for.. being there when I wasn’t. Again.” She runs her hand up and down my arm trying to sooth me.

  “It’s ok, it’s my job. She’s like a sister to me, so don’t ever forget that.” She laughs, and I break a small yet sad smile at her. “Come on King Kong I’ll take you to her.” She pulls me along, her hand still on my arm, which is fine by me because if she didn’t I wouldn’t be walking. I’d still be rooted to the same spot she found me in.

  A few minutes later we stop outside a double white door. I’m now full of nerves, wondering whether it’s a good idea for me to go in or not. She might not want to see me, shit I might set her off again. What if she stresses again and loses the other baby? I start backing away from the door, Donna looking at me questioningly.

  “Kane, what you doing?” She knows exactly what I’m doing.

  “I.. I.. can’t go in there.” I stutter. I’m a bloody mess, my whole body has started to shake and I’m breaking out in a sweat.

  “Of course you can, you just move your feet, your head will do the rest for you.” She says, as if it were that simple, only it’s not.