Feral Alpha

by J. L. Wilder

  “I’m fine,” he said. “But we need to talk, Zoe.”

  “I know,” she agreed. “Should we wait for Louis?”

  “No,” he said. “This talk will be better had just between the two of us.”

  Which meant they definitely weren’t going back to Omega University. If they were, Louis would have had to be a part of the decision.

  Well, that was fine. She would show Xavier how little it mattered to her. When he told her they weren’t going, she would accept it with no argument.

  But he seemed to be having trouble getting the words out.

  Zoe was concerned. She had never seen Xavier struggle like this before. Had she upset him that much with their argument?

  She knew what she had to do to make it right. “It’s okay,” she told him. “I know what you’re going to say.”

  He looked at her. “You do?”

  “You’re going to say that we can’t go back to the school,” she said. “You’re going to tell me to just forget about the trust fund.”

  “That’s not what I was going to say,” he told her.

  She frowned. “I don’t understand, then.”

  “Zoe...” He sighed. “You want to graduate, don’t you? You want to inherit that money.”

  “I do,” she admitted. “But I don’t want us to fight.”

  “I don’t want that either,” he said. “And I can only think of one solution.”

  Zoe felt a sudden thrill of foreboding.

  “You need to go back,” he said. “You need to finish your education and inherit the money your family set aside for you.”

  She didn’t understand. “What about you?” she asked.

  “I need to stay here,” he said. “This is my life. I told you that from the start. I can’t spend my days sitting in classrooms and pretending to be something I’m not. I can’t ask Louis to do that when he ran away from that kind of life to be my second. But you...you know what kind of life you want. You know what kind of person you are. You’re human.”

  It didn’t sound like an insult this time, the way it had when he’d called her human before. It sounded like he was just stating a fact.

  Somehow, that made it a million times worse.

  “I’m not,” she said, but her voice was hardly more than a whisper. “I’m a shifter, Xavier. I’m like you. I’m new to this life, but I’m learning—”

  “But it isn’t the life you want,” Xavier said. “You’ll settle for it. And I know you’ll do well. But you’ll always be unhappy if you stay because this isn’t what you wanted from your life. So you have to go back.”

  “But you’ve imprinted,” she said. It was the final plea she could make, the strongest argument she had. “You and I need each other, Xavier. I can’t leave. You can’t be without me.”

  “What we feel for each other will fade with a little distance,” Xavier said. “And you’ll find love with someone else. Not an imprint, maybe, but something good enough that you’ll be able to settle down and have a family. You’ll be able to get your trust fund and do things the way you always planned.”

  “Why are you doing this?” she said, her voice breaking.

  “Because it’s what you want,” he said. “And one of us has to be strong enough to let go.”

  “I’m not leaving you,” she said.

  He ignored that. “Louis is going to take you back to your campsite,” he said. “They’re still there. I checked when I was out just now.”

  “That’s what you were doing? Planning how you were going to get rid of me?”

  “Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Zoe,” he said.

  “It’s not going to be easy for me,” she said. “Why should it be easy for you?”

  He got to his feet. “This is the right thing for both of us,” he said. “I’m sorry. I know you can’t see it right now. But someday, you’ll be glad I was strong enough to make this decision.”

  ZOE DIDN’T SPEAK TO Louis the entire way back to the Omega University campsite.

  He tried. “I’m sorry this didn’t work out,” he said, once they had left the cave. “I know I wasn’t as welcoming as I could have been, but I really was looking forward to the prospect of having a new pack member. I’m sorry I made it difficult for you.”

  She wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, that she didn’t blame him for anything that had happened, but every time she opened her mouth, a lump welled up in her throat. She felt incapable of speech.

  Too quickly, it seemed, they arrived at the campsite. Even though her farewell to Xavier was behind her and the word should have been over, saying goodbye to Louis was painful. He was the last link Zoe had to the life that had almost been hers.

  Even then, she couldn’t find words.

  “They’re right through the trees there,” Louis said, pointing, and sure enough, Zoe could see the bodies moving. “I shouldn’t go in with you, because it might lead to a fight. But I’ll stay here and watch, make sure you get to them safely.”

  Zoe nodded.

  “Do you want me to...I don’t know...tell him anything?”

  What could she say? There were no words that would change his mind now. There was nothing she could say that he didn’t already know. She shook her head.

  “Okay,” Louis said. “Take care, Zoe.” He held out an arm as if he was thinking about hugging her, then clapped her on the shoulder and stepped back.

  Zoe swallowed hard and walked away from him, through the trees and toward the camp.

  It had only been a few days since she had seen it.

  It felt like a lifetime.

  She stood for a moment, watching as her old classmates moved around the clearing. Even seeing them now was like looking through a window to another way of life.

  How could she have allowed Xavier to talk her into leaving his cave? How could she have thought that this was what she wanted? All these careful hairstyles, all these deliberately chosen outfits...these people were so human.

  A cry went up, startling her out of her reverie. “Zoe? Zoe!”

  Almost immediately, hands were on her, pulling her forward, leading her to the campfire. She looked up and saw Logan’s face. To her surprise, he looked angry.

  “Where have you been?” he demanded. “It’s been days! We’d nearly given you up for dead!”

  “I—I got lost.” It was all she could think to say.

  “Zoe!” Daphne came flying across the clearing and flung herself on Zoe. “Look at you!” she shrieked. “What happened to you?” She turned to Logan. “We must have been wrong. The bears must have gotten her after all.”

  “No,” Logan said. His face was harder than Zoe had ever seen it. “The bears didn’t have her. We found their den. We’ve been watching them. We would have known if they’d had her. We would have smelled her.”

  “But someone had her,” Daphne said. “She would have come back to us if she could have.”

  “I’ll go find Professor Browning,” someone said.

  “She says she got lost,” Logan said to Daphne. It was clear from his tone that he wasn’t sure whether that could be believed. “How did you find your way back, if you were lost?” he asked Zoe.

  She felt nervous, suddenly, certain that something was about to go wrong.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I just did.”

  “We’re just glad you’re all right,” Daphne said, looking at Logan as if he was some inferior form of life.

  But Logan shook his head. “Smell her,” he said.

  “What?” Daphne demanded.

  “Smell her,” Logan repeated, his voice sharp. “She stinks of alpha. She stinks of sex. Someone’s had her.”

  Zoe felt sick to her stomach.

  “Don’t talk like that,” Daphne said. “You don’t know what happened.”

  “Admit it,” Logan said to Zoe. “You were with someone.”

  She didn’t want to lie about it. She didn’t want to pretend that Xavier had never happened. She would nev
er forget him, she knew. He had left an indelible mark on her life. To lie and say that he had never existed would be too painful. “All right,” she said wearily. “I was with someone.”

  “All this time,” Logan said. “We were looking for you. We were afraid you had died. And you were out in the woods getting yourself fucked by a wild alpha.”

  Daphne stared at Zoe as if she had never seen her before.

  “Is that true?” she whispered.

  “He imprinted on me,” Zoe said. “He is—he was my mate.”

  “Is that what he said to you?” Logan said. “And you believed it?”

  “It wasn’t a lie,” Zoe said.

  “Then why’d he send you back here?” Logan asked.

  “Don’t, Logan.” Daphne’s words were a plea.

  Logan ignored her. “He’d used you up,” he said. “He didn’t have any further need for you, so he got rid of you.”

  “No,” Zoe said. She felt as if he’d stabbed her.

  “You’d better hope you’re not knocked up now,” Logan said.

  Daphne gasped. “Oh, Zoe!” she said, her eyes wide. “If you’re pregnant...you’ll lose your trust fund!”

  Suddenly Zoe felt that if one more person mentioned that trust fund, she would scream. “What difference does it make?” she demanded. “I’ve already lost everything that matters. Why should I care about that stupid fucking trust fund?”

  Logan and Daphne fell silent.

  She tore free of Logan’s grip and stormed over to her tent. It was still there, right where she had left it. She pulled back the flap and crawled inside, zipping it behind her, hoping that her friends would take the hint and leave her alone.

  The moment she saw all her things, she began to sob.

  They were like artifacts from another life. Her makeup bag—she had packed it so carefully, agonized over which things she could sneak along on the trip and how many lipsticks she could carry in her backpack. Her designer jeans, which she’d purchased last summer as a gift to herself for the start of junior year. Her leather jacket, which was all style and no substance—it would never keep anybody warm on a cold night, and she knew the material was flimsy enough to tear on a run through the woods.

  What would Xavier think of all these things?

  He would despise them.

  He saw that this was who I really am, she thought. He realized that I was shallow, that there was nothing more to me than this. That was why he had sent her away. It had nothing to do with wanting the best life for Zoe. He had just realized that he didn’t respect her.

  What was worse, she saw, she didn’t respect herself.

  How could she have allowed herself to become so preoccupied with these silly human things? She had only lived wild for a few days, and already, it had changed the way she saw the world.

  Xavier was right, though. She could never have managed it on her own. In time, she could have learned. But she would have needed his help.

  That opportunity was gone now.

  She lay on her back for a long time, staring at the canvas roof of her tent. Just this morning, she had awoken in the cave. She had been nervous about what the day had in store—nervous about what she had to tell Xavier. But she had never imagined that things could possibly go this wrong.

  If you’re pregnant, you’ll lose your trust fund.

  She sat bolt upright, Daphne’s word’s echoing in her ears.

  Omegas weren’t supposed to become intimate until they were mated. It was almost impossible for an omega to have sex without becoming pregnant because of how fertile they were. That was why Daphne and Logan were so rarely allowed to see one another.

  She had believed she had been mated. She had believed she’d been in a permanent relationship.

  She hadn’t worried about it.

  And now...

  She couldn’t know for sure. Not for another week, at least. But as she rested her hand over her stomach, she felt that she somehow did know. It was as if her body was talking to her, communicating something that went deeper than words.

  I’m pregnant. I’m carrying his litter.

  She ached to tell him.

  But would it change anything? He hadn’t wanted her. He had sent her away. He hadn’t believed that the two of them were compatible enough to raise children together. And for all she knew, he had been right.

  Maybe it was best that Xavier didn’t know this. Maybe it would be better if he never found out.

  And then what? You’ll raise them on your own, with no alpha at all? Who’s going to want you now?

  She knew that she should have felt frightened or desperate. She should have been on the verge of tears again, as she had so many times since leaving Xavier behind. But for the first time, Zoe felt like smiling.

  She curled up on her side and wrapped her arms around her body as if she were cradling herself.

  Babies, she thought. His babies.

  She wanted them.

  She had never wanted anything more.

  Xavier had left her. But there was a part of him that would always be with her now. Those few days she had spent in the woods had felt like the most important in her life, and now she understood that that was true. They were important. Nothing that would ever happen to her would be more important than those few days.

  She was going to be a mother now.

  Everything was going to be different.

  There were plenty of things to decide—how she would handle school, where she would go, how she was going to manage a family by herself. But in that moment, Zoe felt nothing but perfect contentment.

  Chapter Seventeen

  XAVIER

  “I think you made a mistake,” Louis said.

  “Stop it,” Xavier snapped. He didn’t think he could stand to hear one more word about how he shouldn’t have let Zoe go.

  Louis shrugged and resumed filling their canteens with fresh water from the waterfall. “Just one guy’s opinion.”

  “She wasn’t happy here,” Xavier said.

  “You didn’t really give her a chance to be happy,” Louis said. “I wasn’t happy either for the first couple of weeks.”

  “You never tried to convince me to go back,” Xavier said.

  “I mean, based on what you told me, it sounds like she had a decent reason to at least think about going back,” Louis said. “I know we don’t use money a lot, but if we had it—”

  “What?” Xavier asked. “What would you do with that kind of money? Get a sports car?” He was going to lose his mind if Louis started hinting that their life wasn’t good enough for him either.

  “No, I wouldn’t get a fucking sports car,” Louis said. “Can you give me some credit, please?”

  “Then what difference does it make? Why do you need that money?”

  “Well, we could use new tires on the truck,” Louis said. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they skid all over the highway in the winter.”

  Xavier hadn’t noticed. “I don’t know why we need a truck anyway,” he said.

  “Yes, you do,” Louis said. “We’ve been over that plenty of times.”

  Xavier stared at the pond, tracking the movements of the fish. He had come out here on the pretense of catching one, but in fact, he hadn’t wanted to be left alone in the cave while Louis was out getting water.

  Now, though, he was beginning to wish he had just stayed behind. He had hoped that Louis would distract him from thoughts of Zoe, but his friend seemed incapable of talking about anything else. “I’m trying to forget about her,” he said. “In case you hadn’t noticed.”

  “Of course I’ve noticed,” Louis said. “I’m not an idiot. I’m saying that you shouldn’t be trying to forget about her.”

  “Okay, your opinion has been noted.”

  “Don’t be a jackass,” Louis said. “You’ve been different ever since you met her. I know you must realize that.”

  “I haven’t been any different.”

  “Oh yeah? How long have you been
in your human form now? How many days in a row have I seen you human?”

  Xavier didn’t answer.

  “It’s been almost a week like this,” Louis said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “Do you know how long it’s been since you were human that many days in a row?”

  “That’s why it’s good she’s gone,” Xavier said. “I started to forget who I really am.”

  “No,” Louis said. “You started to remember who you are, Xavier. This is the part of yourself that I’ve been trying to help you reconnect with for years. You were going to lose your human side altogether. And then Zoe came along.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t say her name,” Xavier said.

  “You imprinted on her, Xavier. You’re not going to be able to just forget about her and move on.”

  Xavier sighed. “I’m going back to the cave,” he said. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

  “Fine,” Louis said. He looked disgruntled, but Xavier knew he wouldn’t argue. “I’ll be back in a while. I’m going to see if I can get us some fish.”

  His tone was pointed, and the implication was clear—someone’s got to do it since you’re just going to be sulking about the one you let get away.

  Xavier didn’t have to listen to Louis. Louis was his beta.

  He didn’t have to stay in human form, either. Louis was right. That was something he’d been doing for Zoe’s sake, to help her feel more comfortable. So much for that.

  He shed his clothes and dropped them at the side of the pond, knowing that Louis would collect them for him and bring them back to the cave. Then he relaxed into the familiar form of his wolf self.

  This was so much easier. So much more pleasant. Wolves didn’t worry about things like whether Zoe had gotten home all right and what she was doing now. Wolves didn’t brood on the question of whether there might be a way to run south someday and see her again, even if only to catch a glimpse.

  None of that matters now. All that matters is the ground beneath my feet, the wind in my ears, the scent of—

  He skidded to a halt.

  Bear.

  They were nearby.

  In the anguish of losing Zoe, he had almost completely forgotten about this other threat. Now it slammed back to the forefront of his mind with the force of a punch.