Desperate to Touch

by W Winters

  If it’s possible, her eyes go even wider with this confession.

  “He didn’t get me off, though.” I don’t hide my disappointment.

  Her response is comical and gets the attention of the older man with thin white hair as she exclaims, “Bastard!”

  I smile into my coffee, sipping it. Even though it’s not hot, it’s delicious. “Yeah, he’s a bastard. It’s a little more serious than the way I’m saying it,” I confess.

  “The Cross brothers are always a little more serious.”

  “He’s not a Cross brother.”

  “He’s one of them. And they are more… intense. I understand that.”

  The air changes between us at the reminder of the occupation of our love interests, if I can even call Seth that anymore, making the lighthearted conversation steer back into the severity it will always claim.

  “Sorry you didn’t get off,” Bethany says, trying to keep it light even though I know she can feel it too.

  “Don’t worry. I got myself off last night to spite him.”

  She laughs first and then I join in.

  “Were you thinking of him?” she questions and even though I don’t laugh anymore, there’s still the hint of a smile on my face when I nod. It’s a sad smile though.

  I thought of who he used to be. I don’t tell her that.

  Bethany chuckles and downs the rest of her tea. I don’t laugh anymore. All the memories flicker back to me, ending with Cami and I have to set my mug down. Guilt worms its way up my throat, knowing I haven’t told Bethany about Cami.

  “You didn’t tell me any of this in all the years we’ve been friends, you know?”

  “I didn’t tell anyone. I just wanted to forget.”

  “I get that. Doesn’t look like you’ll be able to forget now.”

  “I don’t know how I’ll get through it,” I respond absently, not realizing how true the statement is until it’s out there.

  “You’ll figure it out. You’re a smart girl.”

  “Not when it comes to him.” My heart tumbles at the very thought of him. Which reminds me… “I need to swing by the pharmacy and head out,” I tell Bethany as I reach down to my satchel on the floor and search for my keys.

  “Birth control?” she questions.

  “Arrhythmia.”

  She blinks rapidly, a frown marring her face before picking up her teacup again. “I didn’t know. I’m learning a lot about you today.”

  Worry and panic dance in the pit of my stomach. It’s a short little number, but I know why. I’m afraid Bethany won’t like me if she learns it all.

  “I was diagnosed right before I left California. I didn’t get the pills until after I’d moved away. You know how it is, I got busy with school and work. I didn’t have any symptoms so I didn’t refill my meds over the years. But I can feel it now.”

  “You shouldn’t play around when it comes to heart problems.” Bethany’s comment sounds like something Cami said once. With a chill stretching lazily down my spine, my gaze catches a woman in the window the second I think of Cami. She’s gone before I can see her fully. It was just a profile, but I swear it was Cami. She looked just like her.

  “Hey, seriously,” Bethany says and reaches out her hand, grabbing my right hand that’s gripping the keys so tight I can feel the sharp edges digging into my fingers.

  “Get your medicine and take it.” She talks to me the way she does with the patients she cares so much about.

  If I had any energy left, I’d tell her to knock it off. Instead I answer, “I know. I will.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  “You need to sleep too,” she adds as she reaches for her purse and we both stand. It’s the first time I get a full view of her getup. She looks like she’s going out on a date in that black silk blouse and dark jeans. “You look like you didn’t sleep at all.”

  “I took sweets last night to help.” My comment stops her dead in her knee-high, black-leather-booted tracks. “It’s just to help me sleep,” I add to justify it. “I had a vial in my medicine cabinet from years ago when I first moved here.”

  “Sweets? Where the hell did you get sweets?” The surprise is just as evident in her voice as the contempt. As if I’m some sort of drug addict. She knows just as well as I do that plenty of our patients know exactly where to get all sorts of drugs. A lot of them self-medicate before they’re even diagnosed.

  “I had problems sleeping a while back,” I explain to her, willing her to calm down. “A patient at the center said it would put me to sleep in an instant.”

  “You trusted the crazies?” Bethany says and eyes me like I’m a damn lunatic.

  “No,” I object, “although, eventually yes.”

  With her eyes closed, she looks like she’s praying for mercy and patience. “I couldn’t sleep; everyone could tell. Margret mentioned it every day. I tried melatonin, valerian—I even tried NyQuil for fuck’s sake, until that wasn’t working anymore. I tried everything I could get over the counter.”

  “You couldn’t just go to the doctor’s to get something?”

  I shrug and say, “I tried everything; sweets were my last option. But it worked. It just lets you sleep.”

  “You know the men who sell it.”

  “It helps with addiction… you just sleep through the withdrawal.” I try to justify it, but the truth is that the entire reason I resisted taking my patient’s advice at first is because the sweets are dealt by the same men who sell everything else on street corners.

  “If you say so,” she says lowly and crosses her arms.

  I’m quick to change the subject and ask, “When do you come back to work?”

  “On Monday,” she tells me and then counts the days. “Just four more days. I wish this weekend would be over already.”

  “I just switched my shift for tonight. I have today off, but I’ll be working tomorrow and Sunday. I think I’m on for Monday too.”

  “Good, let’s talk then?”

  “Of course. I have to tell you what you missed at work too.” I scrub at my tired eyes, careful of my mascara. “The world is changing quickly, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah it is. Go get your prescription.”

  “Love you,” I tell Bethany. Gratitude swarms me knowing I have her as a true friend.

  “Love you too,” she tells me earnestly, pouting her lip just slightly and pulling me in for a tight hug.

  I think about how I truly thought Cami would be the last person to ever say those words to me.

  When I left, I knew Seth would never forgive me, because I couldn’t even forgive myself. I bought a new place with the cash, I settled down and went to school. I didn’t talk to a soul though. I was dying inside until I met Bethany.

  Bethany hugs me tighter when I try to let go. She’s stealing the method I use. Only two months ago, I did the same to her. I laugh a little, and she tells me again she loves me. It breaks me so I hold her back even tighter.

  “Have hope,” she whispers when I don’t let go, bringing to mind the image of Seth and me together. I finally unwrap my arms from around her and close my eyes, telling her goodbye for now. When I open them, I swear I see that woman outside the window again. The coldness comes back and I swear she looks just like Cami from the back. Goosebumps travel quickly, gracing every inch of my skin.

  “Laura?” Bethany’s questioning voice rips me away from the woman and when I look again, she’s gone.

  “You okay?” My friend’s tone is full of concern so I force a smile, ignoring the coldness that washes over me. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.”

  “Love you,” I whisper when the chill comes back and I feel eyes on me once again, but I don’t dare look to my right, toward the window.

  “I love you too,” Bethany tells me. My words weren’t meant just for her though.

  Seth

  Secrets get you killed in this business, but Laura doesn’t have a damn thing to do with them. No one needs to know anything more
about her other than what they can discover on their own.

  “Who is she?” Jase still isn’t letting up. He’s asked me twice already today. Irritation swells in my chest as I release a silent exhale and school my expression.

  My gaze stays glued to the clock behind the bar and the checklist repeats in my mind. It’ll be different today with Laura.

  I’ll approach the situation with control. She needs it, but I need it more.

  Last night I wasn’t myself. Tonight, things will be different.

  With the tick of another second gone by, I’ve forgotten all about Jase and his fucking prying.

  “You don’t trust me?” he questions and an inkling of uneasiness creeps through me. The floor-to-ceiling windows in The Red Room offer little light as I grab my jacket. With rain threatening, the sky is darker than it should be for 3:00 p.m. The bar isn’t open yet and I don’t plan to be here when it does. When she has a day off, so do I. Simple as that.

  I came for the meeting earlier, which is now over. All the men in charge of different operations were called to discuss the new developments overall. A management meeting, so to speak. Although the brothers never tell all of us everything. Trust and secrets go hand in hand.

  The bar is quiet; it’s just Jase and me left on this floor.

  Slipping on my jacket, I finally face Jase, my back to the front door.

  “I don’t trust you?” I say, echoing his question back to him. Letting him see the ridiculousness of his statement. I don’t trust easily, but I trust Jase. In those meetings, I know all the players and the information that is shared. If any details are omitted, I know why. I’m part of the inner circle and clearly a trusted member of his team. So yes, I trust him.

  “It’s hard to tell with you keeping secrets.” He’s pushing me, pressing me for information I’ve made clear I don’t want to give. Worse, he’s been digging for it anyhow.

  “You know I trust you with my life,” I speak under my breath and with an edge of warning, hating that I have to say the words out loud.

  “It’s not about that.”

  “What’s it about then?”

  “Secrets, Seth. It’s about the fact that you’re hiding something.”

  “I have this… alert…” I start to tell him and then second-guess myself, but not for long. “When I moved out here, I had a friend set it up. I had to know who was looking into me. So any time someone searches for me, digs into my past… I get an alert.” I pause and note how quiet he is. “The searches were constant when I first started working with you. You know how it is. You need to know if someone’s looking into you and what for. Fuck, I know Declan has the same or something similar active on every single one of the names associated with your family.”

  “Declan does?” Jase questions. He knows I’m close with his youngest brother. Closer to him than I am with any of the other Cross brothers. Jase narrows his eyes, like he hasn’t caught on yet.

  “He has one for Bethany too.”

  “When did he make one for Bethany?” he asks, truly unaware.

  “I asked him to make one for her when you went to her house that first day.”

  “That first day?”

  Instead of answering his question, of telling him how much I had his back when it came to Bethany, I continue. “I made one for Laura too. I did it the second she left me. And I know you already know. I know when anyone’s looking into her. I know you know who she is.” I take a step forward, feeling the expensive suit jacket get tight around my shoulders. Cocking my brow and keeping the air between us as light as I can, I say, “So answer me this, who doesn’t trust who?”

  Jase’s smirk is slow to form but it does, easily enough. The smirk and resistance for him to admit it bring that irritation back to the surface. I struggle to keep hold of my restraint. Maybe he can’t feel the rage that’s seeping into my remarks. I can though; the heat, the tightness in my chest. My jaw’s clenched when I tell him, “I’m aware you already know the answers you’re asking for. You’ve been looking into my background and then hers for weeks, yet you pretend like you don’t know who she is?”

  His gaze doesn’t leave mine. Instead he stares back with a friendly look, although the intensity is at odds with the darkness in his eyes. “Don’t get pissed. Since when are you this sensitive?”

  “Sensitive?” I dare to bite back in what’s nearly a snarl. “She’s mine. And she doesn’t concern you. I told you that. You don’t need to look into her background.”

  “The fuck I don’t.” He puts on a façade that this is a relaxed conversation, but the tension grows around us by the half second. “Everything you do concerns me. Concerns all of us. You bring her in, whether you see it like that or not, and she’s around us. She has access to the same information we do, how we act, where we are. I know her name, her résumé and credentials. I need to know more. We need to know more.”

  “Like what?” I question. “What do you need to know?”

  “What does she want with you? And what do you want with her?” His questions are blunt and I break the hard stare between us to look back at the darkening sky behind us.

  I answer him and my voice is low, barely speaking, “I don’t know. I have no fucking clue and that’s the truth.”

  “I’m going to need you to be careful with her.”

  “Why’s that?” I say and turn back around to face him. Who the fuck is he to tell me what to do with her? “Is she a threat?” The menacing tone is more than apparent in my question.

  “She’s Bethany’s friend.” All emotion is restrained in Jase’s voice. His answer is simply matter of fact. It takes me a long moment to realize what he’s getting at.

  He adds, “I don’t need you interfering, messing with Bethany’s head or getting to her.”

  Jase is my boss. He’s powerful in ways I gave up any interest of being. So I glare back at him, listening to the thud in my chest and for the first time it feels the same as the first time I was arrested. With nothing else to do but wait, I slammed my fists over and over against the cinder block walls of the cell. Thud. Thud. Thud.

  Licking my lower lip, I let my response linger on the tip of my tongue. Tasting it, debating it before finally looking Jase in the eyes to say, “She’s always been mine and that’s the only answer you need.”

  Taking a step back, I pivot on my back heel and turn my back to him. The soles of my polished oxfords groan as I turn on the waxed floors of the high-end bar. The bar I helped build. Carefully and quietly guiding Jase. I’ve done more than enough for them. They will not interfere. Or I’ll make them regret it.

  “At least you can admit that,” Jase calls from behind and I pause. “You think it will stay that way?”

  His question is met with a rise of anger. “What do you want from me?” I practically sneer the question as I whip around to face him and close the distance in an instant.

  “To know what you’re going to do. That’s what I want, Seth.”

  “Leave her alone. She’s mine and I’ll take care of her how I want to.”

  Jase’s clean-shaven jaw flexes at my defiance. With his dark jeans and light gray Henley he doesn’t look like the man I know him to be. He’s far too charming in his appearance. Far too laid back. Everything he does is intentional. Showing up to a meeting like this today, I knew he’d dispense bad news. It’s all in delivery, in appearances. “Maybe I haven’t been clear enough,” I speak plainly, calmly, so that nothing can be misinterpreted. “I have no intention of sharing information about her. She’s mine and she’ll remain separate from the business. There are no exceptions.”

  “We have Marcus and Walsh both breathing down our necks. The batch of sweets that was stolen, our man murdered and even though we framed it like we planned it that way, we still don’t know who did it.” Jase pauses, his eyes searching my own.

  “We’ve got problems, Seth. We can’t find the stolen product. There’s too much shit going on and too many unanswered questions. I don’t like it.” I no
d, hearing the sincerity and concern. The bar is silent as the tension wanes. “I don’t like you giving me even more questions and not answering them.” He slips his hands into his pockets and I take a half step back. “She is an unknown variable. A distraction when you should be focused.”

  “I still have it for her,” I admit to him.

  “Have it?”

  “Whatever it is that you get with a girl,” I say.

  Jase only nods, his dark eyes assessing. Wondering if I’m telling the truth. I’m wondering too. I know I’ll tell him whatever he wants to hear so he’ll back off.

  “She’s mine. She won’t be a problem.”

  “You can guarantee that there won’t be a single problem from this?” he asks although it’s evident he already has an answer. Like he can sense the problems that will arise.

  “She isn’t a problem at all. More than that…” I pause as I decide to give him the intel she gave me yesterday, even though I haven’t read it all yet.

  “There’s a former resident at the center your girl works at—Delilah something—she has drawings of the places Marcus took her.” His sharp eyes narrow at me, as if I’ve been keeping back information. He can fuck off with that.

  “I’m going through the notebook but it’s old. Laura’s got more and she’s bringing them today. I’m going through them, with Declan of course.”

  “Declan knows?” The fact that Declan’s in on it has the hair that must’ve risen on the back of his neck falling back into place.

  “Of course,” I answer and give him a knowing look. “I talked to him before he left the meeting. He said not to transfer anything digitally. So I’ll mark the pages I think may be worth a damn and give them to him.”

  “I’m curious to see if anything is relevant,” Jase says easily, his shoulders relaxing for the first time since he’s entered this damn bar.

  “I know it’s been tense with the shit Walsh and Marcus have been pulling. You don’t have to question where my loyalty lies.”