by Amy DeMeritt
“You better come visit me.”
Janae releases a small laugh and nods. “We will. How long are you in town for? Are you staying over tonight?”
“I am. My flight back to Japan is Sunday morning, so I’ll have to leave here by ten so I can see my family before I leave.”
A pang of loss causes my chest to ache and my eyes sting. I tighten my arms around Jasmine and lay my head on her shoulder with my lips pressed against her neck. She rubs my arms and then rubs my head for a moment.
I feel like I am being torn apart. Jasmine has been such a huge part of my life for over six years. But her challenge – no, her command for me to give up my “girlfriends” and give myself to Janae is… kind of devastating and terrifying. All of them have promised they’ll remain my friends if our arrangements end, but I’ll only know if that’s true after I have to break it off with them. I could potentially lose all of them. Even if it doesn’t happen right away, they may drift away from me over time.
I’m not just giving them up and possibly losing them for good – I’m also giving up a huge part of myself. I have never been monogamous, not even in high school.
I don’t think I can do this.
I firmly kiss Jasmine’s neck and stand up. Without meeting anyone’s eyes, I quickly turn to walk away. I get five paces and a hand slips in mine. My jaw tenses as I look over at Janae. She squeezes my hand and guides us back to the house.
Chapter Thirty-One
I grab a bottle of whiskey and two shot glasses before going to my bathroom. I get the jacuzzi filling with hot water, turn the jets on, and pour some bubble bath into the faucet’s current, creating a bubble landscape on the water’s surface. I strip down to my underwear and Janae strips down to her bikini. After we slide into the water across from each other, Janae fills the shot glasses and offers me one.
“Talk to me, honey.”
I gulp back my shot and quickly refill it and drink it back. I stare at the bottle, contemplating filling my glass again, but Janae pulls it over closer to her.
“Pace yourself, honey. You don’t want to be sick on your last night with Jasmine. You don’t know when you’ll get to be with her again.”
“Never. She dumped me. After tonight, it’s over.”
Janae tilts her head to the side and gives me a curious look. She places a hand on my knee and slowly moves in closer to wrap her arms around me. I grab her thighs and pull her up to straddle my lap so I can easily return her embrace.
“Fuck, you feel so good.”
I paint kisses over the side of her neck and down her chest, but as I’m pressing my lips to the top of her breast, she lifts my face and gives me a light peck on my lips.
“Control, honey. Why did Jasmine break it off?”
“Because of you.”
Her brow pinches as she places a hand on my cheek and gently traces my cheekbone and the rim of my ear, gliding over my alternating blue tanzanite and black onyx stud earrings.
“What do you mean?”
I exhale hard as I lean forward to rest my forehead on her chest. She runs her hands over my head and upper back, which feels amazing. God, I love her hands.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, honey.”
“That’s why.”
“That’s why, what… why Jasmine broke up with you?”
“Yes.”
“Jack, I… I don’t know what to say. Are you upset with me?”
“No, of course not.” I take a deep breath and slowly lift my head off of her chest. “Did you realize I have girlfriends?”
Janae releases a small giggle and kisses my lips. “Yes. You didn’t?”
“No. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Honey, I thought you knew what you were doing. This is your experiment. Do you regret your experiment?”
“No, I don’t know, maybe in some ways. I just… I don’t know. Jasmine told me I need to…” I groan as I lean forward to lay on her chest again. “Do you trust me?”
“I trust you completely and you know that.”
“So, if I break up with all of my girlfriends, could you trust me enough to be mine?”
Janae quickly pulls my head off of her chest to look in my eyes and searches my face with tears in her eyes. “Jack, are you serious? Honey, I have been waiting over ten years for you to be ready. I have never allowed myself to stay with someone very long because I didn’t want to lose my chance to be with you. Yes, if you give up every other woman, I would trust you and I would be with you. If you choose me, you will have me, forever.”
“I want to kiss you.”
Janae smiles as she inhales deeply through her nose. “I want to kiss you too, honey. As soon as you break it off with everyone, you can have me completely.”
“How am I supposed to do this? They’re in love with me – how do I… I mean… Carrie is going to be so upset.”
“First of all, do you want to end things with them?”
“I want to be with you.”
“I know that, honey, but do you want to be with Carrie, Lindsay, and Tanisha?”
“I love them and I really love what I have with them. But I always feel like something is missing. When I’m with them, I’m enjoying myself, but part of me is missing you like crazy. Giving up the one-night stands and emotionless sex arrangements really wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was something I need, but I don’t. I almost slipped up a few times in the beginning of the experiment, but it was because I could see I was disappointing someone and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. When I decided to break my rules and stay with Carrie, Lindsay, and Tanisha after knowing they love me, I started to realize just how much you are missing from my life, even though we see each other every day. I can’t believe I didn’t realize I’m freaking dating them, but I still realized how great it was and that I wanted that level with you. I want you, all of you, and only you.”
Janae’s eyes tear up as she leans in to firmly kiss my lips. I beg and plead with her in my head to part her lips, but she doesn’t. I close my eyes and focus on the tingling sensation rushing through my body from her lips.
“When are you doing this?”
“Shit, I don’t know. Babe, what if I lose them? What if Carrie…”
“Jack, honey, stop fretting. You won’t know if they can handle just being friends till you talk to them. I honestly don’t think you’ll lose Carrie. She’ll be upset, but you are like her rock – you’re more than just a girlfriend. She needs you in her life.”
“I hope so. It’s ok with you if I continue being friends with them?”
“Yes, honey. I trust you.”
“Is it ok with you that Jasmine is staying tonight and that we’ll…?”
She places her fingers over my lips and kisses my forehead. “Say goodbye however you need to with all of them. Then, the future is ours.”
“I love you so fucking much. Thank you for never giving up on me and for being so goddamn patient and understanding for so long. You are just so… perfect in every fucking way possible.”
Janae’s eyes tear up more as she leans in to kiss my lips. She caresses my cheeks and combs through my hair, scratching her nails over my scalp. My eyes roll back as I release a long burring moan causing our lips to lightly vibrate against each other’s. Janae smiles against my lips and slowly pulls back.
“I have never asked you for more or to change, but I have to ask this now that you have come to this decision on your own. Please don’t take too long to end things with them.”
“I’ll do it this week.” My throat fills with cotton and tears fill my eyes. I choke on a small sob and lay my head on her chest. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry I have to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Fuck, I’ve been so selfish.”
“Shh, baby, it’s ok. You weren’t selfish. You never took advantage of anyone. You were always clear about what your needs and wants were. It’s ok that those things have changed. It’s ok that you ha
ve changed.”
“I just want to hold you all night. I never want to let you go.” Janae shifts so she can fully embrace me, pulling my head to lay on her shoulder and she lays on mine, causing our torsos to press flush together. The contact causes heat to flood my body and happiness to well up in my chest. I tighten my arms around her and kiss the side of her neck. “I love you, Janae.”
“I love you too, Jack. I always have and I always will.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Even after I can no longer see her car, I continue to stand at the end of my driveway, staring after her – staring after Jasmine getting farther and farther away from me. It’s over. We’re only friends – friends who won’t see each other again for at least a month, and then maybe many months after that. The weight of the loss of Jasmine is crushing and my knees give out. I sit down with my head in my hands and weep.
When Wren died, I was so broken. I couldn’t function for weeks. Even though Jasmine and I were so fresh in our arrangement, she was here for me. She lived two hours away, but she came to be with me, to hold me, to have sex with me, to talk to me, to just be here in any way I needed – several times a week. Janae was here for me as well of course, but I couldn’t escape into a moment of passion with Janae. Jasmine filled that void and she gave me exactly what I needed to get over the pain of the loss. Now, I’m losing that part of her.
I know it’s the right thing. I know it’s time. I know I’ll gain everything I need and want in ending things with everyone and finally choosing to give myself to Janae. But it still hurts. It hurts like hell. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. I wasn’t supposed to get attached to anyone. Why did I break my rules?
Even before Carrie came along, I broke my rules by clinging to Jasmine and getting attached to her. I fell in love with her and grew to need her. Is that why I allowed things to advance with Carrie – because Jasmine was in Japan and I needed that level with someone?
I clear my throat and wipe my eyes on my tee shirt as I quickly stand up. I jog up the driveway and into the house.
“Carrie! Carrie! Where are you?”
“Jack, I’m…”
I throw my arms around her as she comes out of the kitchen looking concerned. I break down crying in her arms and firmly kiss her neck and across her jawline to reach her lips. She parts her lips and allows me to give her a sloppy wet sobbing kiss. But as she places a hand on the back of my head, I quickly release her and stumble back a few paces.
“No, I can’t do that to you. I can’t do this.”
I can’t use her to fill the void I feel. I turn to leave the house, but Carrie leaps forward and wraps me in her arms. The weight of loss is just too much again and I fall to the floor in a heap with her cradling my head on her chest.
“Jack, it’s ok. I’m here for you. Let me be here for you. I love you and I don’t…”
“Stop. Please stop. It’s too hard. Carrie, I’m so sorry.”
She starts crying and kisses my head before lifting my face to look at her. “Sorry for what? What’s too hard?”
“I have to…” I choke on a sob and run a hand over my face. I growl in frustration at myself for being so fucking emotional and stupid and selfish. No matter what Janae says, I still feel like I’ve been selfish. “Carrie, I’m sorry.”
“Jack, please tell me what you’re sorry for. You’re really freaking me out.”
My throat constricts in an agonizing way, as if someone has their hands tightly wrapped around my throat trying to strangle me to death.
“Carrie, I have to end this, with all of you.”
“No.”
I meet her eyes and her fear and confusion has transformed into determination and a sort of authoritativeness. She wipes her eyes and then wipes mine before pulling me up to sit against the wall. She plants herself between my thighs with her knees bent and her legs firmly pressed against my sides under my armpits, as if she’s trying to hold me up.
“Carrie, I…”
“No. You’re not going back to that. You’re not hooking up with random women ever again. You don’t need it and you know it.”
“You’re right. I don’t need that. I need something different, something, or someone, I have been waiting a third of my lifetime for. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t leave. I need you in my life. I need…”
My voice cracks as my emotions completely overwhelm me and I can’t speak anymore. Carrie pulls my head to lay on her chest as she begins to tremble and cry freely with me.
“Please forgive me. Please.”
Carrie releases a loud sob against my neck and tightens her arms around me. “Jack, please don’t do this. I love you and I’m ok with sharing you. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want all of us? I’m not asking you to change. I’m ok with who you are.”
“I’m not that person anymore. I evolved. You challenged me to give up the things I didn’t need so I could finally see what it is I truly need and want. You…”
“Stop blaming me for this! I never wanted you to evolve to break up with me. I’m in love with you. I want to be yours and only yours.”
“I’m not blaming you. Carrie, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you and it breaks my heart that I’m hurting you. I don’t regret what we had. But it wouldn’t be right to stay with you anymore. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to you that my heart yearns for another woman. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will choose you and only you, as you are willing to do. You are such an incredible woman. You are so beautiful, sexy, smart, fiercely strong and determined, and your heart is so damn wonderful. I’m so grateful that you gave me a chance to…”
She presses her lips against mine and thrusts her tongue in my mouth. It’s wild, wet, and frantic. Her hands urgently move over my head and back. Suddenly, she stands up and yanks me up from the floor. She yanks on my hand and starts walking towards my suite.
“Carrie, wait. We shouldn’t…”
“Shut up, Jack.”
She throws me on the bed and straddles my hips. She takes her tee shirt and bra off and bends down to kiss me, but I push up on her shoulders, holding her back. She exhales hard and lightly smacks my cheek.
“So, you can fuck Jasmine all night for the last time, but you can’t give me the same? You are such a jerk.”
She pushes off of the bed and I leap up and catch her around the waist. She spins in my arms and I spin to toss her on the bed. I lay down on top of her and place a hand on her cheek as I lightly kiss her eyes, forehead, cheeks, and lips.
“I’m sorry. I just want to do what’s fair to you. Tell me what you want.”
“Be with me.”
My brows pinch in confusion and I search her eyes and face to try to understand without asking, but I just can’t tell what she really means.
“Sex, or…?”
“Fuck me, Jack. Fuck me like you really mean it – like you really love me.”
“I do love you.”
I rip my tee shirt off and bend down to kiss her. She releases a whimpering moan into my mouth and grabs my ass, pulling my groin against hers. I release her mouth to paint sucking kisses up and down both sides of her neck and down her chest. I suck her entire right breast into my mouth as I pinch and knead her left nipple with my hand. Her chest rises as she begins to pant for air and moan and gasp in pleasure. I scrape my teeth over her breast to firmly bite her nipple, eliciting a sharp scream from her. I kiss, suck, bite, and lick my way down her beautiful amber honey lightly defined stomach till I’m kneeling between her thighs. I pull her shorts and panties off and pull her thighs over my shoulders to bury my face between her thighs.
“Fuck! Oh, fuck. Oh, Jack, oh, yes!”
I stay between her thighs till I bring her to climax twice. With her body trembling, she places a shaking hand on my head with an adorable giggle and tells me to stop.
I suck her bikini lines and then climb off of the bed. I pull her toybox out of the cabinet, strip down, and then put on a harness with
a seven-inch long and two-inch thick shaft. I climb onto the bed between her thighs, and she sits up to kiss me. While our lips and tongues lash together, I pull her up to sit on my lap. I carefully guide my shaft to her entrance and slowly pull her onto me. She gasps into my mouth and grips my shoulders as I fully penetrate her.
She releases my mouth and begins a pumping thrust to meet my thrusts. Her eyes narrow to slits in her pleasure, but she tries hard to keep them open to stare into mine. I run my hands over her ass and back, fully indulging in feeling every inch of her while her torso remains pressed against mine.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Carrie. Promise me I won’t lose you. Please.”
She moans loudly and thrusts harder against me as she begins to shutter. She presses her lips against mine, but as she’s sliding her tongue in my mouth, she climaxes with a sharp scream and her body spasms and bucks against me.
“I promise. Oh, fuck, that was… Oh, fuck.”
I thrust hard inside of her and she gasps and jerks against me. I repeat the thrust, and she whimpers as she gasps again. Without pulling out of her, I carefully shuffle to the edge of the bed and stand up with her wrapped around me. She groans and whimpers as she lays her head on my shoulder and her hips rotate on my shaft in an upwards circle. I set her down on a slightly reclined chair and lift two stirrups for her feet.
She visibly swallows and bites her bottom lip for a moment. I kiss her lips and slowly pull out of her, making her eyes close for a moment as she sighs. I grab two cables capped with clamps and pinch her nipples to hardened nubs and attach the clamps. I also add two clamps to her outer lips between her thighs and then use adhesive pads to attach a few more cables to her most sensitive spots on her neck, stomach, and thighs. While I watch her face, I flip the switch to turn on the electrical stimulus chair and slowly turn the dials to send the electrical stimulus through the cables and into her nerves.
Her eyes close and she grips the armrests of the chair. She begins to pant and moan and gasp in pleasure while her body spasms and jerks. I leave the dial at this level and press the pad of my thumb against her clit. She intakes a sharp breath of air and twitches in pleasure. I smile and begin a slow circular rotation and slowly press two fingers inside of her. Her body arches as her head falls back and she begins to gasp and pant for air. I kiss a trail down the center of her chest and stomach and suck her clit into my mouth, eliciting a beautiful screaming moan from her. After she cums, she places a hand on my head and pushes me back.
