by Amy DeMeritt
I laugh hard and Carrie bumps my shoulder with a giggle.
“What did you say to her?”
“Oh, my god, I literally froze up, and the woman laughed at me and called me an old prude.” I laugh hard again and Carrie loops her arm in mine with a brilliant smile. “Anyway, I had a really hard time adjusting to how vocal people are down here. And then how people dress – I mean, damn, I thought I was a rebel in my yoga pants. Then I met you and you gave me a room to rent, even though I was a bitch to you. In just a little over four months, I learned more from you about how to be a decent human being and how to get along with people than I ever learned from my parents and their church. Don’t get me wrong, there were some decent people in the church – I’m not blaming the church. I mean, religion is…”
“Carrie, you don’t need to tiptoe around me with church and religion. You’re not going to offend me by admitting you had a bad experience with religion. I don’t ascribe to any religion or faith or whatever, but I also don’t judge anyone who does or doesn’t or their views of them. That’s something all of us have to figure out on our own and I don’t believe anyone knows with a certainty that they are more correct than anyone else. As long as someone’s beliefs don’t get in the way of me living the life I want, I don’t give a damn what they believe.”
“Well, I don’t know what I believe, but thanks. I guess I got off on a tangent, but my point is, you gave me more than you’ll ever know. I’m hurting, but I’m really glad I still get to have you in my life.”
“Where do we stand on those three words you asked me about?”
Carrie smiles and tilts her head to look at me. She studies my face for a few moments and then takes a deep breath.
“I still want to hear it sometimes, if you mean it and want to say it. I don’t expect you to say it every time we say goodbye or goodnight, or whatever. Just, if you want to, I’d like to hear it. It’s just nice to know someone loves me for me, and not what they expect me to be.”
“I do love you, Carrie. You’re an incredible woman – don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. As soon as someone tries to put you down, you kick that mother fucker to the curb and never look back.”
She laughs a little as her eyes tear up and she wraps her arms around me. “I love you, Jack. Thank you for everything.”
She pulls back taking another deep breath and wiping her eyes. As she leans forward, she smacks the tops of her thighs in a determined way.
“Ok, I better get to work. You’re sure you don’t mind me driving your…?”
“Nope, I don’t mind.”
We stand up and I hand her the keys out of a wooden box that sits on the sidebar.
“Be careful and I hope you have a good day.”
“Thanks. You too. I’ll see you tonight.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
As quietly as I can, I creep down the hall and to the kitchen, trying not to be heard by Carrie and whoever her guest is. I wanted to surprise her but finding another vehicle in my driveway kind of destroyed that plan. I carefully peek my head around the corner of the entryway to the living room and smile. Her guest is Jessy, the erotic dancer from Stilts that she briefly dated before we started fucking.
“Carrie, I’m sorry, but I told you this would happen. Jack is a player. You know this thing with Janae isn’t going to last. Jack doesn’t know how to be with just one woman. What are you going to do if she wants you back?”
My heart sinks and I lean against the wall, paralyzed on the spot. I don’t want to hear this, but I also feel like I need to hear it, even if it’s a huge invasion of Carrie’s privacy.
“You don’t know her like we do. Jack can do this. She will do it. She’s crazy about Janae. And for the record, she was never a player. She was straight-up with everything. She tried to turn me down because she didn’t want me to get hurt.”
“But you did get hurt.”
“It was my own fault. I could see how much she loves Janae. I just…”
“You wanted her.”
“Yeah.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“Janae and Jack are fine with me staying here for a bit. Actually, Jack wants me to stay for a while. Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like that. It’s not like she’s trying to keep me in her back pocket or something. Jack just doesn’t want us to drift apart. We’re really close – like closer than family. We are family. Ok, don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m sorry, but the family thing sounded skeevy.”
“Don’t be gross. I’m just saying, I’ve never been as close to someone as I am to Jack. She offered to buy me a house when I’m ready to move. Isn’t that sweet?”
“It’s the least she can do.”
“What is your problem with her?”
“Are you seriously asking me that? You picked her, Carrie. You picked her, knowing it only led to a dead-end. And now you call me heart broken and needing comfort and you actually expect me to view her in the same light that you do? Fuck that. She asked me to give you a chance and then she ends up taking you from me. So, no, I don’t see her as some great…”
“That was my fault, not hers. I’m sorry I did that to you. I really did, I mean, I do like you. I just… There is just something about Jack that pulls you in.”
“I was never pulled in.”
“So, you’re telling me you never once thought about it?”
“Probably at least half of the women I work with have been with Jack. Of course, I thought about it. But at least half of the women I work with have been with Jack – that is enough reason for me to stay away. Someone who’s been around the block that many times can’t be trusted.”
“You’re wrong about her.”
“We’re never going to agree on this, so we should just change the subject. I don’t want to fight with you. That’s not why I came here.”
“Why did you come?”
I hear a hard exhale and a clinking of glass, as if someone just pick up a glass off of the coffee table.
“I came because I care about you. Call me stupid, but I have actually been waiting for this to happen for another chance to see if we can make it work between us.”
“Really? You still want to be with me?”
There’s a small laugh. “Yes. You drive me crazy sometimes, but I like you and I think I could fall for you.”
I look down at the items in my hands and feel kind of foolish for buying the gifts, even though I don’t really know why. I quietly creep to the kitchen and set the bouquet of long stem crimson red roses and white lilies down with a card and jewelry box in front of it. With a tense jaw, I carefully open the fridge and grab a bottle of beer. I wish I had a bottle opener in my room, but I don’t, so I carefully put the lip under the opener affixed to the fridge and pop the top.
“What was that?”
Shit. I try to tip toe out of the kitchen before they come inspect the sound, but before I reach the hallway with my master suite, both of them come into the junction way.
“Jack, when did you… What is that? Is that for Janae?”
I turn around and run a hand through my hair, feeling pretty raw and exposed with Jessy watching with her arms crossed over her chest and her jaw tight and eyes narrowed. I didn’t know she looked down on me so much and felt bitter about Carrie and me being together. I feel kind of stupid for not assuming she would hate me – I guess I should have known she would.
“Actually, it’s for you – kind of a thank you for being so patient and, well, perfect. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m just going to make myself scarce. Sorry to ruin your afternoon.”
I turn around, but Carrie calls out, “Wait, aren’t you going to give me a chance to open it?”
“I don’t want to impose on your…”
“Stop.”
Carrie walks over to the counter and picks up the card. As she opens the envelope and pulls the card out, my heart starts hammering in my chest and my emotions well up in my eyes as t
he words I wrote begin to play over in my head.
Dear Carrie,
Do people still start letters and cards that way? I don’t know. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote one either. Anyway, I’m not that great with words, so I’m sorry if I end up rambling. Shit, I’m already doing that. I really should just buy a new card and start over.
Oh, well, here is goes. I really feel like an ass for how things turned out. I don’t regret being with you, but I do regret hurting you.
When we first met, I saw you as this incredibly sexy woman that I just couldn’t wait to fuck. Then when you came to my house looking for a room to rent, courtesy of Jill’s attempt to keep us from fulfilling my initial desire for you, I saw you then as this adorable wounded and skittish puppy that needed help. I’m sorry, I know that is fucked up of me. But then we grew close – super fast. We had our moments we bumped heads, but I started to really care about you – I started to develop real emotions and feelings for you. Then my drunken ass almost destroyed it. But that moment of poor judgement led us into a beautiful relationship – yes, a relationship. It wasn’t till it was ending that I realized you were my girlfriend. I had never had a girlfriend and I suddenly had three that I had to end things with but ending it with you was the hardest. It broke my heart. I’ve never had a broken heart from a romantic or sexual relationship. I’ve had it broke by friends and family, but never a lover.
Being with you taught me so much about myself, life, relationships, love, and so much more. If I understand it correctly, the yoga you love so much is all about balance of mind, body, and spirit. That is what I feel like you brought into my life and in that new balance I have been completely transformed.
I just hope that I still have enough to offer you as a friend that you will always stay in my life. I love you more than I can ever express. You are such an amazing woman and I feel so enriched from having you in my life.
Thank you for giving this jerk a chance.
Love,
Jack
Carrie sets the card down on the counter and quickly wipes her eyes and chokes on a sob before she sprints into my arms. I tightly embrace her and firmly kiss the side of her neck.
“I love you too, Jack. Thank you. That card was so sweet and beautiful. I promise, I’m not going anywhere. And you’re not a jerk.”
I release a small laugh and kiss her neck again and run my hand over her head and her back.
“Thanks.”
My voice cracks before I can say more, even though I have more I want to say, so I clear it and just rest my head on her shoulder. I just hope the words I wrote are enough.
“What’s in the box?”
“Something for you. I saw it and thought you might like it. I hope you do anyway.”
Carrie lifts her head with a smile and kisses my lips. Her eyes widen in fear as she quickly pulls back.
“Sorry, I guess I shouldn’t have…”
“Carrie, relax. I don’t think Janae is going to be upset about you giving me a peck on the lips. Ok, open your box. If you don’t like it, I’ll take you to get something you do like.”
With a cute smile and a hop in her step, she returns to the counter, but as she’s picking up the jewelry box, she sets it down and looks around confused. She looks at Jessy and scoffs as she rips the card from her hands.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to see if there’s really a side of her that I’m not seeing.”
“And?”
Carrie squares off with Jessy with her arms crossed over her chest and Jessy actually releases a small laugh.
“Why are you so cute when you’re angry?”
“Stop that. Tell me.”
“I don’t know. I only finished the first rambling paragraph before you snatched it out of my hands.”
Carrie puckers her lips and scrunches her brow in thought before she exhales hard and thrusts the card back out to Jessy to read. Carrie really is fucking adorable when she’s angry. It’s something I have always found attractive about her. The thought suddenly makes me really nervous.
“Hey, Jessy.”
She slowly looks up from the card to look at me, but her eyes immediately return to reading.
“If you and Carrie hook up, you better not push her buttons to see her like this, no matter how cute you think she is when she’s angry. It’s a shitty thing to do.”
“Are you seriously giving me a talk on how to treat a woman? Like you have any…”
“Jessy, stop. You don’t know her. You only know what’s on the surface.”
Jessy exhales hard as she closes the card to set on the counter. She runs a hand through her long pretty light brown hair. The hard-judgmental look on her face softens in defeat.
“The card was sweet. Ok, I’ll stop bashing her. Look, Carrie, I like you, but if I’m always going to be compared to Jack, then I don’t…”
“I never compared you to Jack. I was only defending her. I’m not going to do that, but I’m also not getting into a relationship with someone who questions and puts down my decisions. Being with Jack was the best decision I ever made. I won’t apologize for it or feel ashamed of it. The damn Pope could condemn me for it and I wouldn’t give a shit.”
“Ok, Carrie. I’m sorry.”
Jessy places a tentative hand on Carrie’s shoulder and after hesitating a few seconds, Carrie leans into her embrace and they share a tight hug for a few moments.
They look good together. I love how strong Carrie is. I know I worry about her a lot because she appears to be easy prey, but she really has some serious grit. She won’t be easy prey – she’ll be a force to be reckoned with and I think Jessy has finally learned that.
As Jessy releases her, Carrie turns back to the counter and lifts her box again. She flashes me a quick loving smile and then opens the box. She gently places her hand on the necklace and traces the gold chain and the gold lotus charm with small round chakra stones rimming the bottom half of the gold ring.
“This is beautiful. Do you actually know what you bought though?”
I laugh a little as I run my hand through my hair and take a few steps closer to look at it with her. I wrap an arm around her waist and kiss her cheek.
“So, you’re still having hard time believing that I actually know some stuff?”
She smiles as she lifts her gaze from admiring the necklace to look in my eyes. She glances at my lips and licks her own as she swallows hard and looks away again.
“The lotus is one of my favorite flowers and symbols. You know I’m big on symbolism. Plus, I know it’s a big symbol in your world of yoga. The lotus represents purity, detachment, and rebirth – all of which I think represent you pretty damn well. You’re always striving to find your own truth and gutting the pollution you’ve been forced to stomach all your life. You’re independent and have an intoxicatingly beautiful way of just completely detaching from this world when you’re doing your yoga or, well, you know. And you are in a state of rebirth in building the life you want.”
Carrie throws her arms around me and presses her lips against mine. I loosely place my hands on the middle of her back and hold her, but silently beg her not to part her lips. After a few moments, she inhales deeply and presses in hard. I rub the center of her back in a comforting way and she takes the subtle hint as she pulls back to look in my eyes.
“Thank you. It’s beautiful. I love it.”
“You’re welcome. Well, I have interrupted long enough. I’m just going to my office to get some work done.”
“Have you had lunch yet?”
“No. I meant to get something while I was out, but I forgot. I’ll be alright.”
“I’m going to cook soon. I’ll bring you a plate.”
“That would be great. Thanks.”
I grab a six pack and a bottle opener from the drawer and leave them watching me walk away. I do have work to do, but I’m not in the mood. Writing that card and this emotional interaction with Carrie wit
h Jessy’s judgmental input mixed in has me feeling raw – again.
It’s been four days since Janae and I became official and it has been one very long and twisted emotional roller coaster. Breaking it off with Carrie, Tanisha, and Lindsay actually ended up being the least stressful, even if it was more painful. Our friends and the other women I had arrangements with that were on hold due to my experiment have put my brain on overload. I anticipated the doubts and jokes, but it has been worse than expected, especially from our long-term friends. Some of the worst comments I’ve heard that I just can’t get out of my head are, “You’re a fucking dick for setting her up for heartbreak”, “If you break her heart, I’m going to cut yours out”, “If you hurt her, I’ll hire some thugs to gangrape you”, and the worse of all, “You know you’re worthless for a relationship. Why are you tying her down like that?”
I exhale hard as I take a large swig of beer and sit down in the soft black velvet clam chair in my sex den. I look around the room watching the phantoms of my memories. I’ve had some really great times in here, but this chapter of my life is over. I need to prove it’s over. I have to prove Jessy and the rest of them wrong. I can do this. I can be the best and most loyal partner there could ever be.
First, time to ditch the throne.
I quickly stand up and pull my blazer and nice shirt off so they don’t get ruined. I pick up the chair, completely forgetting it has iron weights in the seat for better stability. Damn, this thing is heavy. With a straining groan, I lift the chair up higher to get a better grip on it and walk to the front of the house. I set the chair down in the driveway and go to my garage for an electric drill and a sledge hammer.
Feeling pumped, I turn on some music and remove each piece of furniture that’s not bolted down. I fill one side of my driveway with two more chairs, a love seat, and the mattress. Then I pulse the drill with excitement and start removing screws from brackets securing the sex tables and the bedframe to the floor and walls.
