Driving Home for Christmas

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘I can hardly wait!’ Joey grinned. ‘Don’t forget to take loads of photos. I love nothing better than looking at darkened blurry pictures of drunk people with comb-overs and bulging bellies doing the twist.’

  ‘See you tomorrow, bro,’ Lainey said, giggling. ‘’Bye, Mum.’

  ‘’Bye, love,’ Holly said, as Joey waved with his good arm.

  Lainey started her bike and turned it towards her office. She hadn’t imagined her mother being iffy just now. She didn’t do it with Joey and Pippa. Not for the first time, she wished her grandmother would come home: life had always been easier with Maggie around to champion her.

  The atmosphere in the office was a hell of a lot better than it had been at the hospital. By four o’clock everyone was leaving to get ready for the party.

  As Lainey followed Jules to her apartment on her motorbike, the light was already fading and the rain was hammering down. ‘That’s a dirty evening out there,’ she said, as she entered a sea of pink. Although it wasn’t exactly to her taste, she couldn’t help but like it. ‘I’ve never seen a pink sparkly tree that size,’ she said, as Jules plugged in the flashing lights.

  ‘Isn’t it divine?’ Jules giggled.

  ‘That’s one word for it,’ Lainey said warmly. ‘You’re so good to go to all the bother of decorating. I spend so little time in my place it’s hardly worth it.’

  ‘My mum was a real grinch when it came to Christmas, so I go all out.’

  ‘Mine decorates our place to within an inch of its life!’

  ‘There you go!’ Jules said. ‘We all seem to end up doing the opposite to our mothers. At least you get on well with yours.’ A hint of sadness flashed across her face.

  ‘I do and I don’t,’ Lainey admitted. ‘She’s always been easier-going with my brother and sister. Grandma and I were closer than Mum and I when I was growing up.’

  ‘Why was that, do you think?’ Jules asked.

  ‘I’m not sure. But I’ve noticed it more since Grandma left. Mum and I get on fine but we don’t click massively. There’s always a bit of tension there.’

  ‘I win on the tension front,’ Jules said, with her hands on her hips. ‘Having your mother tell you you’ve brought shame on the family and that you’re not to come home until you’ve “got over your lezzer phase” is pretty defining.’

  ‘How are you feeling about her now?’

  ‘What can I do?’ Jules held up her hands in defeat. ‘Before I told her I was gay she used to hit me with the you-ruined-my-life-by-coming-along-when-I-was-so-young routine. At least now she has a fresh reason to shun me.’

  ‘That’s awful. But you do have friends and you know that not everyone feels that way about you.’

  ‘Thanks, Lainz,’ Jules said. ‘Let’s get showered and open a bottle of bubbly. This party’s going to be fun, even if it kills us!’

  By the time they’d drained the Prosecco it was time to get going. Jules pulled out a leopard-print umbrella, slipped into her skyscraper heels and waited for Lainey to appear in her new outfit.

  ‘Okay, this is it, the big reveal,’ Lainey said, walking awkwardly out of the bathroom.

  ‘Lainz! You look fantastic! Are you pleased?’

  ‘It might be a bit daring for me.’

  ‘Not at all! Sure it’s Christmas! Look at me! I’m probably being a bit daring but I’m not worried.’

  Lainey wanted to tell Jules that her outfit was probably illegal in several countries and that she hoped there weren’t any men with dickey hearts there. Instead of the black floor-length number that Lainey had insisted she buy on their shopping trip, she was wearing the kelly green glittery tube, which was doing its best to hold her ample bosom in place. Her black stilettos were like something a stilt-walker would use for balance practice. Taking the Christmas theme to an extreme, she’d found a necklace that might have been intended as a dog’s choke chain before the Spirit of Christmas had splattered glittery holly leaves all over it.

  ‘My mum would love your necklace,’ Lainey said.

  ‘She can borrow it for Christmas Day!’

  The hotel had gone all out to make sure the place was the epitome of Christmas cheer. A huge tree greeted them in the reception area. There were more swags and flashing lights than you could shake a stick at. The doorman was dressed in a Santa suit and rang a big brass bell as each person arrived. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ he shouted.

  ‘Happy Christmas, Santa.’ Jules gave him a hug. ‘Isn’t it lovely, Lainz?’ She waltzed towards the bar.

  After they’d got themselves a drink Mr Drake and the others from their office had arrived too. Lainey was thrilled to realise she wasn’t half as nervous as usual. In fact she was enjoying herself and even managed a scout around the room for any talent when she put her Kris Kindle gift into the big plastic container marked with their table number.

  By the time they were called for dinner, there was a good buzz in the room. ‘This is like going to a wedding where you don’t know the bride and groom,’ Jules chirped, as they made their way into the adjoining dining room.

  ‘Is she ever in a bad mood?’ Mike from Accounts asked, as Jules insisted they pull crackers immediately.

  ‘Never!’ Lainey grinned.

  ‘You have to wear your party hat too. It’s the law of Christmas!’ Jules ordered.

  ‘The food is shockingly shite, isn’t it?’ she murmured to Lainey a few minutes later. ‘In a blind tasting I’d say this melon was raw turnip.’

  When the turkey was served, the pair were snorting and sniggering like schoolchildren.

  ‘Beware the stuffing,’ Lainey said. ‘It’s like mulched paper.’

  As soon as the meal was cleared away the MC, who looked like the love child of an old-fashioned Teddy boy and a roll of tin foil, took to the stage and welcomed them to the party. ‘Okey-dokey, folks, it’s show time!’ he announced.

  ‘Do you think he had to glue on his sideburns?’ Jules asked, with her head to the side. ‘They’re very nylon-looking from here.’

  ‘I think he got the entire outfit from the joke shop,’ Lainey mused. ‘It’s not the most fetching, is it?’

  ‘Well, at least he’s made an effort,’ Jules said generously. ‘Sure God bless him he’s only doing his job.’ They looked at one another and dissolved into another fit of giggles.

  ‘Folks, put your hands together for the most special guest of the night! Let’s give a warm county council welcome to Mr Santa Claus!’

  A ruptured round of applause welcomed the man in the big red suit.

  ‘Due to the large number of guests, Santa has brought some friends along to help distribute the Kris Kindle gifts. Welcome, if you will, our elves.’

  A flurry of mortified men in green tights shuffled through a side door.

  ‘The barmen from earlier on,’ Jules identified.

  Their elf seemed decidedly uncomfortable as he dragged the large plastic bin of gifts to the table.

  ‘He’s hardly the Spirit of Christmas, is he?’ Lainey said, as the man scowled and pulled at his felt jacket. He was at least six feet tall and it was far too small, the sleeves extending only to his wrists.

  Once they’d opened their gifts, which were mostly of the lurid variety, Santa and his helpers waved and departed.

  When Abba-ke-dabra, the Abba tribute band, appeared, there was a roar of applause as the hammered county council workers welcomed them warmly.

  ‘I suppose it doesn’t matter to most of us that the two lady singers of the group have lost a few inches in height and gained several stone in width since they were in Abba full time,’ Lainey murmured to Jules, giggling.

  All of the songs were recognisable and the crowd joined in with each number, helping to drown the band’s many mistakes. Jules had taken command of the dance floor. Soon she’d arranged a seventies version of line dancing for a large group of middle-aged men.

  ‘Jules has them eating out of her hand there. We should just hire her next year and cut back on the cost of a live ban
d,’ Drake said, as he stood beside Lainey to the side of the floor. While she’d got up for ‘Dancing Queen’ and even joined in with the Mexican wave that shot across the room during ‘Fernando’, Lainey had been happy to watch for the most part.

  At the end, when the house lights went on, everyone squinted and staggered, then went to the cloakrooms to collect their coats. The room emptied rapidly. The staff were already whipping away the tablecloths and tossing the artificial poinsettias into a trough on wheels.

  ‘Jeez,’ Lainey said. ‘If we stand here too long we’ll be shoved into a dishwasher or plastic bucket.’

  ‘What’s the plan, Lainz?’ Jules asked.

  ‘Will we head home?’ Lainey wondered hesitantly.

  ‘No way!’ Jules said, linking her arm and frogmarching her towards another bar in the hotel.

  ‘This is for residents only.’ A bouncer was blocking their way.

  ‘We’re staying the night, we just don’t know which room we’ll be in yet,’ Jules said, without missing a beat.

  Roaring laughing, he stood aside and let them in.

  ‘Jules! You’re desperate!’ Lainey was in shock.

  ‘Ah, sure we’ll never see him again and who cares? We’re here now. Sometimes you have to think on your feet.’ She winked.

  Jules wormed her way into the thick of the crowd, Lainey following. A sing-song kicked off fairly smartly, moving from ‘Jingle Bells’ to the latest Snow Patrol number. Grateful to find a high stool, Lainey perched on it wondering if she’d ever be able to feel her feet again. She’d managed to stay upright in her shoes but her soles were throbbing.

  ‘Sorry,’ a guy behind her said, as he moved his pint out of the way.

  Lainey swivelled around. ‘My fault.’

  ‘I think I’ve been dumped and I’m meant to be staying the night,’ he said, looking mortified.

  ‘Oh, no! Who did you come with?’ Lainey was aghast.

  ‘Ah, one of the girls from the Wexford office. I knew her about a hundred years ago. I’ve just moved back to Ireland from living in the UK. We bumped into one another and she invited me as her plus one tonight. I wasn’t expecting too much and we only agreed to share a twin room as the hotel hadn’t a spare single room, but I still feel a bit used. It appears she only needed me to smoke out a fella she’s had her eye on for a while. Seems her plan worked. She’s the one chewing the face off your man in the corner there.’

  Lainey glanced at the couple, then turned back. ‘Do you have the room key?’ she asked.

  ‘As a matter of fact I do,’ he said, brightening.

  ‘There you go. If I were you I’d head up, pack her stuff into her bag, dump it in the hallway and lock the door.’

  ‘You’re a genius!’ he said. ‘Thanks. You’re obviously staying over too, seeing as you’re in the residents’ bar. Duh! Sorry, stupid thing to say.’

  ‘Well, actually, it’s not. My friend blagged us in here. She lives across the road so I’m staying there. I’m nearly at my limit now, and I’ve to go into the office tomorrow.’

  ‘Poor you.’ He grinned.

  ‘I’d better go and see if I can drag her home,’ Lainey said reluctantly.

  ‘I’m going to scarper and clear my date’s things out of the room,’ he said. ‘Thanks for the advice and the chat. You made an awful night slightly less awful.’ He hesitated, and Lainey thought he was going to kiss her. He obviously thought better of it and gave her a peck on the cheek.

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ she said, as he hurried away.

  Lainey wondered why the girl in the corner had been so callous to the poor fella. She’d stopped wearing the face off her beau and they were downing shots of tequila. He was running his hand up her inner thigh as she laughed. Lainey wanted to go over and pour her drink over the girl’s face, but while she knew she’d probably gain oodles of street cred with her co-workers, she wasn’t ready to take on the role of office cat-fight bitch.

  ‘There you are.’ Jules had appeared. ‘For a minute I thought you’d gone.’

  ‘Not quite, but I do feel like I’ve had enough.’

  ‘No worries, let’s split,’ she said cheerfully. ‘I just need the loo. Coming?’

  As they walked towards the Ladies, a small girl with short, dull hair got there just ahead of them. She glanced back briefly, saw them and held the door open.

  ‘Thanks,’ Lainey said. The girl, who was vaguely familiar to her, scuttled into a cubicle without answering. Lainey didn’t need to pee so she went to the mirror to check her makeup. Racking her brains, she tried to work out where she’d seen the girl before.

  ‘It was a fun night, wasn’t it, Lainz?’ Jules called from inside her cubicle.

  ‘Yeah, not bad.’

  As Jules and the other girl emerged from their cubicles simultaneously, Lainey and the stranger locked eyes. Lainey gasped as she recognised her.

  ‘You’re Lainey,’ the girl stated. ‘Seth has a photo of the two of you on his mantelpiece still. I’m his fiancée,’ she said proudly.

  ‘Hello,’ Lainey said, not wanting her to know she’d seen her picture on Facebook.

  ‘He keeps that photo up to remind him of what he doesn’t want in life.’

  ‘Pardon?’ Lainey said, just above a whisper.

  ‘It’s none of my business and it’s all in the past, but you treated him like dirt. You totally destroyed him. Not that you’d care,’ she said menacingly. ‘But he’s happy now. I’ve made him happy. I let him call the shots. I let him choose where we go and what we do. I’ve been the reason he’s been able to heal.’

  This was ridiculous, so far from the truth that Lainey couldn’t suppress a smirk. ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘I think this one’s been misinformed,’ Jules said, sidling up to her.

  ‘Seth has never been a victim, let me assure you,’ Lainey said.

  ‘Well, you would say that. You lie about everything,’ the girl said. ‘All I can say is that you missed out. He’s mine now and we’re really happy.’

  ‘Are you?’ Lainey said. ‘Is that what he’s told you? Believe me, I hope you’re right. But make no mistake. He’s the liar. He’s the one who manipulates, cheats and acts as if every mistake he makes is all someone else’s fault.’

  The girl opened her mouth and shut it again. Doubt had crept into her face.

  ‘Listen,’ Lainey went on. ‘I wish you no ill. In fact, I hope you can be happy some day. But, mark my words, Seth will never make you happy. He’s like a cancer and I for one am so glad he’s out of my life.’

  Lainey fled, with Jules in hot pursuit.

  ‘You were dynamite in there!’ Jules said.

  ‘I feel ill. That poor girl is so blinkered by him. He’s filled her head with a pile of rubbish and she believes him, God love her.’

  ‘Hey,’ Jules said, as they walked back towards her apartment. ‘It’s not your problem.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Lainey sighed. ‘Seth isn’t my problem any more. Thank God.’

  ‘Can I let you into a little secret?’

  ‘Sure.’ Lainey yawned.

  ‘Anna, the girl in the black catsuit you met at the Bublé gig, is single again and we had a little kiss last night!’

  ‘No way! I can’t believe you never said!’ Lainey said, pleased for her friend.

  ‘I just wasn’t sure how you’d be about it.’

  ‘Jules, you’re my friend. You’ve changed my life so much for the better since you joined our office. Who you go out with is nobody’s business but your own,’ Lainey said.

  ‘Thanks, that means a lot.’

  Soon after that Jules was tucked up in her room and Lainey was on a blow-up mattress in the living room. She listened to the howling wind and lashing rain, and smiled. She’d actually enjoyed the office party this year. Several people had complimented her on her outfit, and now she was glad she’d worn it. She’d wear it on Christmas Day too.

  That guy she’d met at the end of the night was really sweet. She’d
never have had the confidence to talk to him this time last year. Clicking her phone on, she posted a few lines on her Facebook page.

  Just back from a brilliant night out with friends. The Christmas season has kicked off to a fantastic start.

  Then she remembered Seth’s fiancée, and shuddered. Enough is enough, she thought. With trembling fingers she hit the button that would block Seth from her page. She’d wanted to cut the final tie with him for a while and now that she’d done it she felt fantastic.

  19

  I’m Getting Nothing

  for Christmas

  Dear Maggie

  Thank you for your email. Yes, we’re all very shocked by the events over the last few days. As per your request, I’ll send you more regular updates on the situation here. No problem. Thank you for not being cross with me. I’m glad you understand I simply want to keep you in the picture. Pippa hasn’t been here so I can’t tell you first hand how her poor face is looking. Sorry about that. I didn’t go up to the hospital with Holly as she said Joey’s not in brilliant form. I don’t want to impose so please God I’ll see him once he gets out.

  Holly is teetering on the edge, to answer your question honestly. I could lie to you and say she’s coping just fine. But Paddy is being a rock as usual. He’s jollying her along and doing a fine job. I hope Joey comes here to convalesce. At least that way Holly will know he’s being looked after and she can feel like she’s helping to fix him. You know how she loves to fix things.

  Pippa will be here for Christmas before we know it so Holly will have them all under her roof. That’ll calm her down no end I’d imagine.

  Lainey went off out to her Christmas party last tonight. With a bit of luck she survived it and had fun. Holly is convinced bad news comes in threes. So she’s almost anticipating something awful happening to Lainey now.

  Mind yourself and say hello to Sid for me,

  Your old pal,

  Sadie