by Jackie D.
That mollified her a little, but not much. “I need to get to bed. I have an early flight to Phoenix tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Audrey said. “I worked both the New York and Los Angeles shows into my shooting schedule. I didn’t want you to think I forgot.”
Harlow’s chest clenched from Audrey’s thoughtfulness. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I love having you there.”
“I was thinking, since the New York show is right before Christmas, maybe you’d like to come back with me and spend the holiday with my family and me.”
“I, um—” Harlow’s heart raced at the idea of such an intimate gathering when her life could spiral out of control any second.
“No pressure at all. Just thought I would put it out there. Don’t feel obligated.” Audrey sounded panicked.
“I’d like that.”
This was the first Christmas, or any holiday, Harlow would spend away from Casper. The realization burned like hot wax on an open sore. This was going to be her new reality, and she needed to do her best to cope. She’d planned on walling herself up in a hotel room and drinking until she didn’t remember Casper’s name, but this was a much better option.
“Okay, perfect.” Audrey sounded excited, and Harlow was glad she could give that to her.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” Harlow said.
“Night, Harlow.”
“Night.”
Harlow turned off the lights and tried to put the conflicting emotions out of her mind. Part of her felt as if she was dying. The section of her heart that Casper had punctured burned. She was overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal for what he’d done and concern for his well-being. She ignored the incessant pleas for understanding he’d been lobbing at her in texts, voice mails, and emails. It wasn’t that she didn’t have compassion for the addiction he was struggling with—it was that instead of asking her for help, he’d put them both in line for serious trouble.
She hadn’t spoken with Casper since he’d told her what happened. She didn’t know what he was planning to do or how to handle it. The truth was, she didn’t want to know. She still wasn’t sure how she’d manage it if the police came to her to ask questions or if she should be trying to find him a lawyer. She’d reacted based on gut instinct—to get as far away from the problem as possible. The struggle now was knowing if that was the right thing to do or if she should be handling it differently.
Part of her wanted to help get him into rehab for his addiction. That part of her would’ve done exactly that had he come to her when the issue first arose. But he chose to take that possibility away when he submerged himself in the other aspect—the aspect that could land him in jail for years and do serious damage to her reputation.
She closed her eyes and tried to imagine what life would look like without Casper. She couldn’t. She couldn’t imagine any part of her life without him in it, but at what cost? And what about Audrey? The blowback could hurt her new production company, let alone her reputation. She couldn’t be tied to a musician who was accused of drug running, could she? Just as she’d always feared, her roots based in addiction and fear were going to pull them all under. She held the pillow over her face and screamed into it. Damn you, Casper.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Audrey caught a glimpse of Jane impatiently tapping her foot at the edge of the sound stage. She’d been at rehearsal for the last several hours and couldn’t imagine what could have her so wound up. Jane was brash and imposing, but she was always professional. This type of behavior was out of character.
Audrey hurried over as soon as the rehearsal wrapped. “What’s up?”
Jane grabbed her arm and dragged her over to a quiet corner. “I changed my mind about you dating Harlow. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Audrey pulled her arm away. “I’m sorry, what?”
Jane forcefully ran her hand through her hair. “I just got off the phone with a friend of mine at the Los Angeles Police Department. Casper Thorne turned himself in for drug trafficking. He was apparently using Harlow’s tour bus as a cover. This will not be good for your image.”
Audrey subconsciously put her hand against her chest, her heart aching for Harlow. “When is this going public? Has anyone warned Harlow?”
Jane looked annoyed by the question. “I don’t know, and that’s none of our concern. You need to get out of this relationship.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
The vein on Jane’s forehead started to bulge. “We’ve based your entire career on being a good girl with a wholesome image. We’ve honed it so well people don’t care about you being a lesbian. But they won’t tolerate this.”
Audrey wanted to say that she couldn’t believe what Jane was saying, but that wasn’t true. This was precisely what she’d expect to hear. She wasn’t paid to care about Audrey’s feelings, mental health, or what she felt was fair. Jane was paid to make Audrey marketable. She was paid to get Audrey the best jobs possible and to help build her brand. Audrey had always known she was a product, but it was crystallized in that moment.
“I don’t care what they’ll tolerate. I’m not leaving Harlow.”
Jane pressed her lips together. “You think this whole standing on principle thing is cute—it’s not. You’re about to age out of the young action star genre. You don’t do romantic comedies, and you’re attempting to launch a production company that focuses on female-driven roles, writing, and directing. You don’t get to die on this hill. Don’t you see what you mean to an entire generation of women?”
Audrey crossed her arms. “And who exactly would I be if I abandoned someone when they needed me the most? It’s not all about public perception. It’s also about whether or not I can look in the mirror. Harlow didn’t do anything wrong. These were her brother’s choices, and I’m not going to punish her for them.”
Jane grabbed her arm. “You talk about truth like it matters. Public perception is all that matters. I’ve seen people lose their careers for less.”
Audrey pulled away. “The answer is no.” She turned to leave. “I will not change my values for public perception.”
Jane called out after her. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Audrey ignored her as she continued to her car. It wasn’t that Jane was wrong; it was that it didn’t matter. People were going to have their opinions. People always did. But she wasn’t going to let their version of the story dictate how she conducted herself. She refused to hang Harlow out to dry regardless of the implications. People could take what they wanted from that, but she was going to remain true to herself, and damn if she’d be yet another person to let Harlow down.
* * *
Harlow gripped the arms of the makeup chair. Her heart felt like it was hammering in her throat, and she’d been nauseous all day. She’d gotten on a plane early in the morning to be back in Los Angeles for the American Music Awards. She’d arrived at her home and was patiently waiting for the stylists and makeup artists to work their magic. She’d done all of this on autopilot because she couldn’t manage anything more.
The story broke that morning, and she knew it would change her life forever. It started first on ABC, then CNN, and now it was on every major media outlet. Her brother’s addiction, his role in the drug operation, and the questions about her knowledge of it. She second-guessed every decision she’d made. She imagined her brother sitting by himself in a jail cell. She pictured what he must be thinking, feeling, and how alone he probably felt. It would be easy to say he did this to himself, but that would be absolving her of any wrongdoing. She’d failed him as a sister. She’d known something was wrong, but she’d stuck her head in the sand like she always did and figured he’d tell her what was wrong in his own time. She should’ve sat him down and made him talk to her.
She could’ve handled the situation a million different ways. She could’ve gotten him help, a lawyer, or she could’ve just hugged him. She did none of those things. She’d thrown him out because of old reactions to
betrayal and loss.
Her phone buzzed, and she hesitated before looking at it. Relief swept over her when she saw it was a message from Kylie. I’m at your house. Can I come in?
Kylie waited patiently as the stylists put the finishing touches on her eyes. She looked concerned but not rushed. She was obviously waiting for them to be alone to talk, and Harlow wasn’t sure if she could handle whatever news she was bringing. Could it be that Audrey was canceling their date? She wouldn’t blame her. Getting sucked into whatever vortex was swirling would be a lot for anyone. Audrey owed her nothing.
“Everything okay?” Harlow turned to face her once the stylists had left.
Kylie surprised her by hugging her. “Are you okay?”
Harlow returned the embrace. “That depends on how you define okay.” She leaned back to look at Kylie. “I assume you’re here to tell me Audrey isn’t going with me to the AMAs.”
“What?” Kylie looked confused. “No. Audrey sent me here to help you. You don’t have anyone to help manage everything right now. I’m here to fill that void until you can find someone. You’re on tour, and you need help.”
Harlow hadn’t realized how close she was to tears until the burning in her throat started. “She’s not leaving me?” She sat on the bed.
Kylie sat next to her and put her hand on her shoulder. “Quite the opposite. Now, tell me how I can help.”
Harlow searched her eyes and found nothing but understanding. “I’m not really sure. I’ve never been in this situation before.”
Kylie handed her a piece of paper. “I’ve formulated questions I think you’ll be asked, along with some canned responses. If you don’t like any of them, I can change the wording around. But I think it’s best to be prepared, and as vague as possible. The other option is to say absolutely nothing. You can let them pepper you, and not give them a response.” She looked as if she wanted to say more but stopped herself.
“Go ahead. Tell me what you’re thinking,” Harlow said.
“I also think we should contact the police and say you’re willing to cooperate with whatever they need. It would be best if you also talked to a lawyer. You need to make sure you understand what you should and shouldn’t say prior to talking to the police.”
Harlow nodded. “I spoke with my lawyer on the plane ride here. I’m going to be speaking with the police tomorrow morning. He requested they come here, so I don’t get photographed going into the police station.”
“Good.” Kylie rubbed her shoulder. “Do we need to make any changes to upcoming tour dates? If you want to give me your tour manager’s number, I can talk to them and handle whatever needs to be done. I can also work on getting you a replacement for Casper, or I don’t mind filling in until you find someone.”
Harlow wrote down her manager’s number and handed it over. “I hope that’s not necessary regarding the tour because it’s pretty well set, and my tour manager should be able to handle anything left. As far as you helping me out with other stuff, I really appreciate it. I’m interviewing a few people at the end of the week that my tour manager recommended to handle the stuff Casper usually handles. But if there’s anything you can think of that I need to focus on, let me know.”
Kylie shrugged. “I have no idea how this will pan out.” She stood. “How about you look over those questions and answers? You’ll meet with the police tomorrow, and then you can make any necessary decisions after. You don’t have to have everything figured out tonight, or tomorrow for that matter. I’m here until you find someone else.”
Harlow stood and looked at herself in the mirror. The reflection staring back at her didn’t align with how she was feeling. Her dress was beautiful. Her makeup was flawless, and her hair was perfect. She looked poised and confident. In reality, she was going to shatter. The fourteen-year-old girl she used to be with nothing in front of her but uncertainty and fear took center stage. She’d intended to leave that girl in the past. The truth was, she was there the whole time, hiding in the shadows of the spotlight and fame.
“Let’s go pick up Audrey,” Harlow said as she continued to stare at herself in the mirror. Audrey had sent Kylie over to help her. She wasn’t avoiding her, and right now, that was something special. If she could just force her demons behind her, maybe she could believe that she and Audrey would be okay in the long run.
Audrey would make her feel better. She could use her as an anchor. Audrey was a reminder of what was right and what she had to look forward to. She needed that now more than ever.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Harlow was rubbing her thumb into her palm. It was a nervous habit, and Audrey hurt for her. If she had it her way, they wouldn’t be going to this awards show. She wanted to drag Harlow into the safety of her home and hold her until she wasn’t scared anymore. She wanted to reassure her that everything would be all right. She wanted to protect her. But Harlow not appearing at the American Music Awards would raise more questions than it was worth. There would be speculation, rumors, and it could possibly cast doubt on the truth. So she’d go with her, stand with her, and try her best to be the support she knew she needed.
Audrey grabbed Harlow’s hand. “Hey, everything is going to be okay. I’m here with you.”
Harlow looked over with a faint smile. “I didn’t tell you how gorgeous you look.”
Audrey kissed her knuckles. “You clean up nicely too, superstar.”
Kylie leaned forward in her seat. “Okay, remember you don’t have to answer every question. If you do answer anything, keep it vague and keep moving down the carpet.”
The car door opened, and Audrey made sure to exit first. She waved to the crowd and smiled broadly. The camera flashes were rapid and consuming. It wasn’t a sensation she’d ever really get used to, but it was consistent, which was weirdly reassuring in its own way.
She reached back and took Harlow’s hand, helping her out of the limo. The flashing lights intensified, and the yelling from reporters increased.
“Are you here together?”
“Are you two dating?”
“Harlow, how is your brother?”
“Did you know about the drugs?”
“Harlow, are you dating women now?”
“Audrey, what do your parents think of Harlow?”
Audrey felt Harlow freeze next to her. She smiled and continued to wave to the people who lined the red carpet. Harlow followed suit and never let go of Audrey’s hand. She knew Harlow was a bubbling ball of anxiety by how hard she was squeezing her hand, but her face didn’t show it. Her smile had the same relaxed ease to it that it always had. If she could keep it up for another hundred feet, they’d make it inside without a major incident.
Harlow put her arm around her waist, and Audrey turned into her. The photographers asked them to pose in different positions, and they adjusted slightly.
“Harlow, will what’s happening with your brother affect the tour?”
Harlow changed positions to show her other side.
“Harlow, did you know what your brother was doing?”
Harlow put her hand on her waist and posed for the camera.
“Audrey, how long have you two been dating?”
Audrey turned to show the back of her dress.
“Harlow, does addiction run in your family?”
Audrey felt Harlow tense next to her. She saw a small bead of sweat trickle down her hairline. Audrey took her hand, which made Harlow look at her. She waited until Harlow made eye contact with her, and she smiled. She wanted Harlow to know she wasn’t alone. Audrey was on her side, and she wasn’t going anywhere.
“You don’t owe them an explanation,” Audrey whispered.
Harlow kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”
When they finally got inside, Harlow was visibly relieved. It was as if she’d been holding her breath the whole time, and she was finally able to exhale.
“I can’t thank you enough.” Harlow hugged her.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
>
A frantic young woman speaking into a headset approached. “Miss Thorne, we need you backstage to get ready for the opening.”
“I’ll see you soon,” Harlow said as she disappeared through one of the side doors.
“She’ll be okay.” Kylie bumped Audrey’s shoulder with her own.
“Jesus,” Audrey said. “Where did you come from?”
Kylie laughed. “I came in right after you guys. You just don’t notice anything else when Harlow is around.”
Audrey linked her arm with Kylie’s as they walked into the main theater. “I’m just worried about her. I appreciate you offering to help her out through all this.”
“No thanks needed. I’m happy to help. I know how much she means to you.”
Audrey looked around to see if anyone was listening to them. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?”
Kylie tilted her head. “I think you’re being you. Does anything else really matter?”
Audrey knew the answer to the question before she asked. She knew Kylie would support her, but she still wanted the confirmation from her oldest friend. In the world she lived in, there were very few people she could count on for candor, and she always valued Kylie’s.
They found their designated seats, and she was delighted to see Harlow would be next to her for the show. She knew that had been Kylie’s handiwork.
“Remind me to give you a raise,” she leaned over and told Kylie.
“Done and done.”
Audrey bumped her. “I’ve meant to talk to you about your screenplay.” Kylie’s eyebrows raised to her hairline. “It’s phenomenal. Honestly, I think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read.”
Tears welled in Kylie’s eyes. “You’re not just saying that?”
Audrey hugged her. “Absolutely not. I can’t begin to tell you how much I enjoyed it. I know you’re shopping it around, and I don’t want to hold you back from big money, but I’d love to produce it.”
Kylie squeezed her arms. “I don’t care about money. I want to see it on the big screen. That’s all that matters to me. You just picked up a project. Are you sure you’d have room for this one as well?”
