by Jackie D.
Audrey looked dumbfounded. “That’s just not true. You have no idea what would’ve happened had we met in a different life because we don’t have other lives. I don’t care about your awards, your record sales, or whatever else. I care about you, Harlow. I think I’ve proven that.”
All of Harlow’s insecurities poured from somewhere dark inside her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. “I do know what would’ve happened, Audrey. Your dad, the day trader, and your mom, the nurse, would’ve kept you sheltered from people like me. People who grew up spending their weekends either visiting someone in jail or waiting in line at a food pantry.” She squeezed her fists, the urge to hit something overwhelming her. “Your biggest struggle was what, exactly? What Christmas list to send to which relative? You cannot possibly fathom what I’m feeling or going through because you have nothing to compare it to.”
Audrey tried to reach for her, but Harlow stepped away. “Then explain it to me, Harlow. We may not have a lot of the same childhood experiences, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care or want to understand. It certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be there for you.”
Harlow shook her head. “You have no idea how bad this can get. You don’t know what addiction can do to a family. You have no idea how fast it can shred everything. It will literally come in like a tsunami and take out everything in its path. Do you think you’re strong enough to withstand that? You think we’re strong enough? My career is already toast. You can’t let yours go too.”
Tears streamed down Audrey’s cheeks. “You haven’t let me try. You’re just deciding I can’t handle it? You’re going to give up on something special because something else is hard?”
I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying because everything is so jumbled in my head, I can’t tell up from down right now. “I think you should go. I don’t think this is going to work.”
Audrey put her hands on her cheeks. “You don’t mean that.”
You’re right. I don’t. I love you, and I’m terrified I’ll fuck it all up like everything else I’ve ever had. “Please go. I have other things to deal with in my life right now.” Harlow stepped away from her touch and felt the loss immediately.
Audrey wiped the tears from her face. She walked over to the corner of the room and grabbed her bag. Harlow fought the urge to grab her and tell her to stay. She wanted to tell her how she felt. She wanted to ask her to be patient and to make her understand everything she was feeling. She wanted to explain that the idea of losing her felt so tangible, she didn’t think she’d be able to handle it when it finally happened. She wanted to explain that she wasn’t strong enough. She’d never be strong enough.
Audrey stopped at the door and turned to look at her. The pain etched on her face cracked Harlow’s heart open, and she knew it was a look that would haunt her dreams forever.
“Harlow, I—” She bit her lip. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.” She left before Harlow could utter a word.
Harlow fell to her knees when the door shut. She covered her mouth and tried to muffle the sob that crept from the depths of her soul. She knew herself well enough to know what she’d just done, but she wasn’t brave enough to do anything about it. She knew without consideration, there wouldn’t be a day for the rest of her life where she wouldn’t long for Audrey, and she hated herself for it. But there was no way on earth she’d take Audrey down with her.
* * *
Audrey went through the rest of her day on autopilot. She made it to the set with time to spare and trudged through familiar motions. She acknowledged the director’s recommendations and made adjustments. She went through minor script changes, and she made notes for the next day. She did all that was required of her, but she didn’t feel truly present for any of it. Harlow’s words were stuck on repeat in her head.
When she arrived home, her mom and Kylie were waiting. She’d briefly contemplated telling them to go but fell into their arms before her brain caught up with her actions. She didn’t know how long she’d spent crying before she was able to get herself under control, but it was long enough to produce a headache that pinched the space between her eyes.
Kylie kissed the side of her head, her arms wrapped around Audrey’s shoulders. “I don’t know what to say, sweetie.”
Audrey spun the stem of the wine glass they’d handed her. “It was like a switch in her flipped. I never meant to make her feel like I was better than her. I’m not even sure where she got that from.”
Her mom reached across the breakfast bar and took her hand. “Harlow isn’t used to feeling love from anyone but her brother, and that’s a mess right now. She isn’t sure what it looks like. This has nothing to do with you.”
Audrey squeezed her mom’s hand. “But is she wrong? Would I have noticed her if I wasn’t me, and she wasn’t her?”
“That’s not a fair question, honey. You two are who you are. It’s a pointless thought experiment to pretend otherwise.”
“I don’t know, Mom. Harlow has been through so much, and I just pretended like it didn’t matter because she became who she was meant to be. I never thought about what it all meant and how it shaped her.”
“Okay, let me ask you this,” Kylie said. “Has her family history ever bothered you? Did you run at the first sign of adversity?”
“Of course not.” Audrey knew she’d stand by Harlow if the whole world were falling around them.
“Then you would’ve picked her no matter the circumstances.” Kylie gave her a little side hug. “We’ve been friends for most of our lives. I know who you are, and I know what matters in here.” She tapped Audrey’s chest. “Harlow does too. She’s just scared.”
Audrey shook her head in defeat. “I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her.”
Her mom wiped away the tear that had trickled down Audrey’s cheek. “Oh, sweetie, just give her some space. I’m sure she’ll come around. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
Audrey let her forehead rest against the cool countertop. “I’m not sure any of that matters.” She walked out of the kitchen before either of them had a chance to argue her point.
Audrey knew they meant well. They’d always been on her side, but it didn’t matter in this situation. Their thoughtful introspection of the situation wouldn’t change Harlow’s mind. She wasn’t sure what would, but she wanted to try.
She flopped down on her bed and pulled out her phone. She found the familiar contact and pushed the call button. After six rings, she assumed it was going to go to voice mail, but the voice she’d been craving finally came through the line.
“Hey, Audrey.” Harlow sounded tired. “What’s up?”
The casual words hurt more than she’d anticipated. Harlow’s sultry voice and been replaced with her business voice, and Audrey’s heart hurt.
“I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay.” Audrey rolled her eyes. Tell her you love her. Tell her you want to be there. Tell her she’s not alone.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” There was a long pause. “You don’t have to check on me anymore.”
The thought of losing Harlow so abruptly, and not being able to wean herself off made her panic. “So, we can’t be friends anymore?”
Harlow sighed. “I don’t know that I can do that.”
Audrey closed her eyes and willed herself to be brave. She dug deep in the recesses of her soul and told her to spit it out before she never had another chance. “I’m sorry I made you feel less than. That was never my intention. I care about you more than you know.” Just say it. “I’m in love with you, Harlow. Please don’t do this.” The silence was deafening, and Audrey’s insides screamed in pain.
Harlow finally spoke, and her tone was flat and distant. “You only feel that way because you don’t really know me. My life is a mess right now. It’s always been a mess. I was just able to hide it for a while. I can’t be what you need, and I’m definitely not what you deserve.”
“You haven’t e
ven given us a chance.” Audrey knew she sounded desperate, but she didn’t care. “You think you’ve only shown me parts of yourself, but that isn’t true. I know how resilient you are. I know you’re caring and compassionate and loving. I know you’re scared of losing everything you’ve worked for while at the same time not thinking you deserve any of it.” She took a deep breath and willed herself to continue. “I know you’re afraid of loving me because you’re scared to be happy. You’re scared because you think it can all be taken away, but the only person who can ruin us is you and me, Harlow.”
She couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like Harlow was crying.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be me, Audrey. You have no idea what it’s like not to know where your next meal is coming from. You don’t know the fear of hearing a bottle being smashed against the wall and wondering if your father is coming for you next. You don’t know the guilt of feeling both sad and relieved when that same father is finally dead. You don’t know how it feels to have the only person you’ve ever believed loves you throw away the safety you’ve built together. You don’t know what it’s like to watch the world you’ve carefully built start to crack around you. You don’t know how it feels for your worth to be tied up in the cheers from people who don’t really know you. And you certainly don’t know what it feels like to have other people’s decisions threaten to take that all away.” She took a long, ragged breath. “You will never get it, and I don’t want you to understand. I need to help my brother through this, and I need to do it on my own. I can’t worry about what it may do to you. I just can’t.”
Audrey covered her mouth so Harlow couldn’t hear her crying. “You’ve already made up your mind.”
“I have. Good-bye, Audrey.”
Audrey turned her phone off and curled up on her bed. Her tears were hard, fast, and cooled her hot skin. She was profoundly and indisputably in love with Harlow, and there was nothing she could do to change it. It was as if someone had reached inside her chest and was squeezing her heart. She’d never felt pain like this before, and a part of her wanted desperately for it to stop. The other part of her wanted to let it continue because it helped her feel connected to Harlow.
Chapter Thirty-four
Was that Audrey Knox?”
Harlow rubbed her face. “Why are you here, Mom?” She didn’t care if her mother saw her crying. It wasn’t only because her emotions felt raw and exposed, but because her mother didn’t deserve any insights into her life.
“Your brother called and asked me to come.” She sat on the couch, and Harlow immediately put space between them.
“Since when has our welfare mattered to you? Where have you been for the last ten years?” She didn’t care how angry she sounded, and she surely didn’t care if she was hurting her feelings.
“That’s not fair, Harlow.” She reached out to touch her, and Harlow pulled away.
“Not fair?” Harlow hadn’t meant to yell, but there was no turning back now. “You don’t get to tell me what’s fair, Mom. Not fair is abandoning us. Not fair is letting Dad do what he did to us. Not fair is only coming around when you need money.”
Her mother looked taken aback. “Harlow, I—”
Casper walked into the room and hugged her. Her body was vibrating with rage and hurt. Everything in her mind and soul was screaming. She wanted to rail against the life she’d been born into and the scars it had left. She hated how she felt, and it was easy to lay the blame at her mother’s feet.
“I lied,” Casper whispered against her ear. “She’s never asked me for money. I was taking the money from you for my debts. She’s been asking to see you for years.”
Harlow stepped backward and searched his eyes. She hoped to find deceit. She wanted to look at him and see the brother who was trying to protect her from being hurt. She wanted to see her Casper. But all that looked back at her was betrayal. She slapped him. She hadn’t realized she’d done it until it was over, and his head was bent to the side. Her hand stung from the force she’d used, and she had an overwhelming urge to do it again.
She balled her fists, trying to displace the urge to physically harm him—a reflection of how she was feeling. “How could you? Why would you?”
He had the decency to look ashamed. “There isn’t an excuse I can give that would make it okay.” He looked over at their mother. “I didn’t trust you, and this seemed like the easiest way to keep you away from her and still get what I needed.” He reached for Harlow, but she pulled away. “After spending time with her over the years, I realized how much she’d changed, but I couldn’t tell you the truth without also telling you what I’d been doing.”
It was like being hit in the face with a shovel. All Harlow could hear was her breathing. She was light-headed, and her limbs felt numb. She hadn’t realized she’d sat on the couch until she looked down and saw her bent knees. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening. Harlow felt herself rocking, but she had no control over her body to stop it. Everything felt hot and like her body no longer belonged to her. She crossed her arms over her stomach when nausea slammed into her once again.
She needed to get out of the shrinking room. She grabbed her car keys and headed for the door.
“You shouldn’t drive right now,” Casper said from somewhere behind her.
She stilled her hand on the door. “You don’t get to tell me what to do ever again.”
The cold air slammed into her as she left the house. It was the first sense of reprieve she’d felt in the last half hour. She made it to her car and fumbled with the keys. She just wanted to get away, but her body wasn’t cooperating with even the most basic movements. She finally gave up and leaned against her door, letting her body slide down the side to the cold pavement.
She sat there trying to reconcile everything she thought she knew with everything she’d just discovered. Nothing made sense. She wanted to find a reasonable explanation for it all, but she knew there was none. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to run. Running was what she’d always done. She’d run from her previous life, from relationships, from hard decisions, from her own truths. Running was easy.
She got into her car, and before she could talk herself out of it, she got onto the freeway. She was going to the only place that truly belonged to her. The place where she could hide, the place where she felt safest. She headed for Monterey without looking back.
* * *
Audrey stared at her reflection as the makeup artist put the finishing touches on her perfectly created head injury. It was a long process that was rarely appreciated by anyone outside the industry. The work that went into making her beautiful, hideous, strung out, or injured was astonishing.
Jane continued to talk next to her. “You’re going to Las Vegas for New Year’s Eve with Sofia Linden.”
Audrey sipped her water. “No, I’m not. I’m spending New Year’s Eve at home. I’m not going anywhere.”
Jane sighed and let her glasses slide down her nose. “I’m going to need a very good reason for that.”
“Because it’s what I want to do.” She glanced at her. “And why exactly would I be going anywhere with Sofia Linden? I’ve never even met her.”
“Because sulking has never been a good look on you. She’s gorgeous, new on the scene, and it will up her profile. It’s a win-win.”
It had been three weeks since she’d spoken with Harlow, but it felt like years. She was constantly on the verge of tears, and the idea of dating anyone was not only ridiculous—it was painful. It didn’t matter if Harlow didn’t want her; she couldn’t explain it to her heart.
“No,” Audrey said. “I’m not going out with Sofia, and I don’t want you setting me up on dates. I’ll go when I’m ready.”
Jane put her tablet in Audrey’s hands. “What do you see?”
Audrey scrolled through the story, only bothering to read key bolded words. Her heart stopped when her eyes landed on the picture at the bottom. The shot wasn’t a good
one, taken from a good distance away, but she could make out Harlow distinctly. The photographer had only managed to get a picture of the other woman’s back, so it was impossible to tell who it was. She pulled the screen closer to read the caption. Harlow Thorne spotted cozying up to a mysterious brunette in Monterey. Is this Harlow’s new leading lady? There has been no sign of Audrey Knox in weeks.
Audrey handed the tablet back to Jane and noticed the slight tremble in her hand. “What Harlow does has no impact on my choices.”
“Will you at least think about it?”
Audrey thanked the makeup artist and got out of the chair. “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”
“Yes.”
She brushed past her on the way to the set. “I’ll think about it.”
Audrey was lying. Jane knew she was lying. She wasn’t going to consider going out with anyone. Her heart still belonged to Harlow, and realizing it wasn’t reciprocal hurt more than she could handle at the moment. She’d thought, possibly foolishly, that Harlow would come back. What they’d had was special—that once-in-a-lifetime kind of relationship. She’d clearly been wrong, and the weight of losing her hit all over again.
Fortunately, this scene required her to sob over the broken body of her boyfriend after they’d been in a car accident. The tears weren’t hard to muster. They flowed freely and without prompting. How had she been so wrong about Harlow, and how could she convince herself to let go?
Chapter Thirty-five
Emily flopped down on the couch next to the piano. “Have you eaten?”
Harlow played a few notes and then scribbled the adjustments. “Yeah.”
“When?”
“Last night.”
Emily handed her an apple. “That was almost twenty-four hours ago. You have to eat.”
“I know,” Harlow said as she continued to play. “Did you take the boat out today?”
“Don’t change the subject.” She smacked Harlow’s arm. “I agreed to buy your groceries and bring them to you under three conditions.”
