by Jackie D.
Harlow took a bite of the apple. “I know, and I’ve followed all of them. Talk to a therapist, eat, and go outside at least once a day. I’ve done all those things. I even let you drag me out to the pier a few nights ago. It was freezing, by the way, which took the fun out of it.”
Emily’s eyes softened. “We’ve been friends for what, six years? I’m just worried about you.”
“I know. I don’t mean to make you worry.”
“Have you called Audrey?”
Harlow shook her head. “And say what?”
She’d picked up the phone a hundred times to call Audrey. She’d typed out countless text messages but was never able to push the send button. It would do more harm than good. Audrey was better off being free of her, and it wasn’t fair to draw her back in. She was doing the right thing by keeping her distance—even if it hurt her in the process.
Emily raised her hands in exaggeration. “I would lead with ‘I’m sorry,’ and then explain how miserable you’ve been. I’d include all the work you’ve been doing to heal the broken parts of you, and then close it out with ‘I love you.’ But hey, what do I know? I just drive boats for a living.”
“She has no reason to forgive me, and I’m in no place to give her what she needs. She’s better off without me.”
Emily grabbed her shoulders and shook her slightly. “She would forgive you, but if she doesn’t, she’s a fool.” Emily pulled her phone from her back pocket. “I forgot to tell you, I think the media knows where you are, and they think we’re dating.”
Harlow shrugged. “They don’t know where I live.” She took the phone and looked at the article. “You can’t tell it’s you.”
Their conversation was cut short by the alarm system. Harlow checked the monitor. It was a car she didn’t recognize, and she sighed.
“Do you want me to go tell whoever it is that they have the wrong house?” Emily stood and headed for the door.
Harlow watched the monitor, waiting for the intruder to emerge. “No. It’s my mother. I’ll take care of it.”
Harlow walked to the front of the house as slowly as possible. She wanted to get her emotions under control and was working on the breathing techniques her therapist had been giving her. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have, but she knew it was necessary. If she was ever going to be the type of person who didn’t run from her problems, this was as good a place to start as any.
Harlow watched her for a minute before saying anything. “Can I help you?”
She’d forgotten how much she and Casper resembled their mother. She’d been in too much of a daze the last time she’d seen her to take it all in, but it was apparent now. She shared their smile, their nose, and their eyes. It was odd to think there was such a resemblance to a person with whom she shared virtually no relationship.
Her mother nervously rubbed her hands together. “I umm…I got your address from Casper. Can we talk?”
Harlow showed her inside and went to the kitchen. She pulled a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard. “Do you want anything?”
“Water would be great.” She shrugged off her jacket and placed it on the chair. “This is a beautiful house.”
Harlow handed her the glass of water. “What did you want to talk about, Mom?”
It wasn’t that she didn’t think they needed to have a conversation—she knew they did. She just didn’t think she had the bandwidth to dance around it with small talk or niceties.
“After a long and difficult conversation, Casper took the deal, and I checked him into a treatment center today.” She took a sip of water. “There aren’t many treatment centers for gambling addiction, but this one came highly recommended.” She seemed to study Harlow’s reaction before she continued. “The judge was fine with it, but he’ll be on house arrest when it’s over.”
“Who is paying for it?” Harlow knew it sounded cold, but she didn’t care. “I assume it’s not cheap.” She took a large gulp of whiskey.
“I paid for it, and you’re right, it’s not.”
“I’ll write you a check,” Harlow said, and she started to walk to her desk to find her checkbook.
“I don’t want your money, Harlow. He’s my son, and I don’t mind helping him.”
Harlow wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly. “If you don’t want the money, then why are you here?”
Her mom looked like she was choosing her next words carefully. “I’m here because I want a relationship with you.”
Harlow tried to focus on her therapist’s words. She tried to find the small space in her heart that she’d always kept reserved for her mother. Through all the turmoil, disappointment, and confusion—she still loved her. But loving someone and forgiving them were two different things, and she wasn’t sure she could do the latter.
“Why now?” Harlow walked back over to the kitchen counter. She didn’t want to be confined to a couch—it seemed too intimate.
Her mother let out a long sigh. “I’ve practiced what I’d say to you a thousand times. I’ve imagined your reactions, both the good and the bad. I thought I’d prepared myself for every possible outcome, but now that I’m here, it’s hard to get out the words.”
Harlow could’ve let her off the hook by filling the silence with platitudes of understanding, but she didn’t.
“The truth is, I wasn’t a good mother. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to protect you or your brother. I should’ve, God knows I should’ve, but I just didn’t.”
Harlow asked the question she’d waited a lifetime to ask. “Why didn’t you leave him? Why didn’t you just take us and leave?”
Her mom shrugged. “I loved him.”
Her words caught on the emotion in her throat, but she managed to get them out clearly. “You should’ve loved us more.”
“You’re right.” Her mom reached out to touch her but changed her mind. “I can’t change what I’ve done, Harlow. It doesn’t matter how much I wish I could; I can’t. I wish I had a better answer for you. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I’d been strong enough. I wish I hadn’t become the person I did after he died. I wish I’d been a different person, but all that wishing changes nothing. I’d like to get to a better place with you, but it has to be what you want too.”
Of all the things Harlow had imagined when she’d discussed this conversation with her therapist, she hadn’t pictured the sincerity in her mother’s expression. She’d expected to be met with excuses, possibly an “I’m sorry,” but never the sincere guilt her mother apparently felt.
Harlow sipped her whiskey. “When Casper and I left, I never thought I’d see you again. Then when he told me you’d been coming around asking for money, it was easy to put you in a box. I had no idea what was really happening. And now…I don’t know how to deal with any of it. Things are backwards. You wanted to see me, and he was fucking things up behind my back.” She hadn’t planned on being so honest, but she had no will to do anything but tell the truth.
Her mom nodded and let out a faint smile. “You’re dealing with a lot right now. I didn’t do a good job of teaching either of you how to process your emotions, and I certainly didn’t teach either of you how to cope.”
“I feel so betrayed.” Harlow tried to fight back her tears, but she couldn’t.
“Things aren’t always as simple as betrayal or loyalty. People are messy and complicated and confusing. When two people are as close as you and Casper—when you’ve relied on each other the way you’ve had to, it makes sense that you feel that way.”
Harlow used her palms to push the tears from her eyes. “He was supposed to love me. You were supposed to love me. I was supposed to be enough.”
Her mom reached for her, and Harlow didn’t pull away.
“Oh, honey, he does love you. People never talk about the painful, prickly parts of love. It’s easy to get lost in the bright light it gives off, but there are so many layers. Casper didn’t hurt you because he doesn�
�t love you. He hurt you because he didn’t know how to handle his sickness. You’ve always been enough. Our failures aren’t a reflection of you; they’re a reflection of us.”
“I don’t know how to forgive either of you.” The words were cold, but they were honest.
“That’s not something anyone can answer for you. But if you decide you want to, I’m here.”
Harlow hadn’t realized her mom was crying until her tear drops made patterns on Harlow’s sweater. She pulled away and swirled the amber liquid in her glass, letting her mother’s words sink in. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to let her past go, but she wanted to try. She didn’t want to live like this. She didn’t want to be haunted by her past, allowing it to dictate her every move. She wanted to be strong enough to move forward. She wanted to be the kind of person Audrey saw.
She studied her mother and wondered if they could have a different type of relationship. “I really fucked things up with Audrey.”
“Hmm. Can you fix it?”
Harlow shook her head. “I don’t know.” She downed the rest of the whiskey. “I’m not sure I deserve her.”
“I’m not really sure that’s up to you to decide.”
“You sound like her.” Harlow let out a mild laugh. “I won’t hold that against her, though.” She looked up from her empty glass and smiled at her mom.
Her mom nodded, accepting the small jab. “Want some unsolicited advice?” She continued before Harlow could answer. “Don’t leave space in your life for regrets. Make the grand gesture. Leave it all out there. Do the hard things, and let the chips fall where they will.” She sighed deeply. “You can’t fix regrets.”
Harlow took her mom’s hands. “Thank you for coming to talk to me.”
Her mom stood and picked up her coat. “I’m staying in town for a few days if you’d like to talk some more?” There was trepidation in her voice.
“How about lunch tomorrow? I don’t want to go out in public, but if you’d like to come here around noon, I’d like to see you.”
A smile split her mother’s face. “I’d like that. I’ll see you then.”
Harlow walked her to the door and headed back down to her recording studio. Relief and hope seemed within her grasp, and she hadn’t felt it in a long time. Now all she needed to do was sort out the rest of her life.
* * *
The afternoon with her mother had gone better than she’d expected. They had lunch and walked along the beach. Harlow listened as her mother told her about her life—how she’d gone back to school, become an accountant, and married a man she described as the love of her life. Her mother answered all her questions without hesitation and didn’t push into areas where Harlow was hesitant. The hours weren’t like anything Harlow had imagined. Her mom was funny, kind, and different than she remembered.
“I wish Casper would’ve told me the truth. We lost so much time,” Harlow said as they sat on the lounge chairs, staring at the ocean.
“I was sixteen when I had you two.” She smiled up at the sky like she remembered something. “I had no idea what I was doing. There I was, still a kid myself, and the doctor handed me two tiny humans to take home. You two were so similar and yet so different.” Her mom looked over at her with a faint smile. “Casper took to being your protector from the very beginning. As you two got older, that dedication seemed to grow. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I think he thought he was protecting you. He was skeptical when I first made contact several years ago, and rightfully so, but I don’t believe he meant to hurt you.”
“Why did you wait so long?” Harlow’s chest burned with anticipation. The answer to this question felt more critical now that she’d given it life.
“You two were doing so well without me—I didn’t want to ruin anything for you. I’ve watched you from the beginning. I’ve even gone to several of your shows. You are so talented and so courageous up on stage. I was in awe. I didn’t want to risk any of that for you.” She made shapes in the sand with the toe of her boot. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Harlow tilted her head to listen.
“Why did you cancel your tour?”
Harlow sighed. “I’ve always felt like I was one misstep from falling. When all this happened with Casper and the media coverage turned sour, I couldn’t bear the thought of it all being taken away. I ended it before they took it from me, before I could fuck it up even more.” There it was—fear. She hadn’t shared the reason with anyone, not even her therapist. Being able to say it out loud lifted a weight off her shoulders. “Music and performing were where I was able to put everything away. I felt free on stage—untouchable. I didn’t feel like that anymore.”
Her mother turned to face her. “And Audrey? Why did you run from her?”
Harlow’s throat burned with the realization that the answer was one and the same. “I couldn’t handle the thought of her leaving me first. I figured it was only a matter of time, and I couldn’t stand the thought of dragging her down with me, and then her hating me in the end.”
“Will you tell me about her? I mean, I know who she is. You’ve had a crush on her since you were a teenager. I remember that poster of her on your wall, but tell me about her.”
Harlow smiled. “I still have that poster in my house.” She felt the blush burning on her cheeks. “Audrey is smart and kind and caring. She has a way of making you feel like there is no one else in the room when she talks to you. She isn’t like all the other celebrities I’ve met. She’s grounded and humble. She makes me want to be a better person because of what she sees in me.”
“You love her.” Her mom reached out and rubbed her arm. “I’m in no place to tell you what to do, but you need to fix this.”
“Just like that?” Harlow snapped her fingers. “Just fix it. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Emily says to tell her I’m sorry and tell her I love her, but it won’t be enough. She deserves more.”
“Then give her more. Show her how you feel. Make sure there’s no room for her to wonder.”
Her mom was right. She wanted to give Audrey everything she deserved and more. She’d felt like half of her was missing these last few weeks, and she couldn’t imagine spending a lifetime wondering what could have been if only she’d been brave enough to lay it all on the line. She wasn’t sure if Audrey would forgive her, but it didn’t matter. She’d never forgive herself if she didn’t take the chance.
Chapter Thirty-six
The days between Christmas and New Year’s were like living in a different realm. Time seemed almost obsolete. There was no shooting schedule until after the holidays, and Audrey felt a hundred pounds heavier from the copious amounts of wine and cheese she’d been indulging in the last few days. She needed to work out. She wanted to work out. That’s what she was telling herself as she stretched her legs in preparation for her run.
Kylie was bouncing around looking much too motivated for seven in the morning. “You ready? I’m pumped for this run.”
Audrey begrudgingly pulled her earbuds from her pocket. “Your enthusiasm is making me tired already.”
Kylie smacked her arm. “Come on. It will be good for us. Just a quick five miles.”
“Can we just do three?”
Kylie started running backward. “Just think, the quicker we get back, the sooner we can open that bottle of champagne your dad brought home from France.”
She had a point.
Audrey caught up with her. “I’ll never forgive you for this.”
“Yes, you will.” Kylie matched her pace. “So, I had to put an event on your calendar, and I’m not sure you’re going to be all that happy about it. Just remember that you love me.”
Audrey pulled out her left earbud to hear better. “Continue.”
“You’re going to the GLAAD New Year’s Eve Party. But don’t stress, I’m going to come with you.”
“I don’t want to go to a New Year’s party, even for GLAAD.”
Kylie pointed at her.
“I knew you’d say that, but we’re going.”
Audrey smacked Kylie’s hand away. “You’re not the boss of me.”
Kylie shrugged. “Sometimes, I am.” She smiled. “This is a favor for me, anyway. Chelsea Drake said she’d meet me to talk about the screenplay I wrote, but she doesn’t do formal meetings for first introductions. She said she’d meet me there.”
Audrey scrunched her nose. “Chelsea Drake? I told you that we’d produce your screenplay.”
“I know, and you’re going to, but you also told me to talk to as many people as possible. It helps create buzz.”
Audrey sighed at her own words being used against her. “You don’t need me there. You can manage this meeting on your own.”
“True, but I want you there, and I would totally do it for you.”
Audrey wanted to argue, but she couldn’t. Kylie had been there for her more times than she could count. If it made her feel better to drag Audrey along, she’d let herself be dragged. “Fine.”
Kylie grabbed her arm. “Thank you. You won’t regret it.”
Audrey went to put her earbud back in when Kylie stopped her. “There’s one more thing.”
Audrey braced herself. “Okay.”
“I need you to look hot. Not just your normal hot, but like, hot-hot. I think Chelsea has a thing for you, and it will certainly help the conversation along if she’s in a good mood before talking to me.”
Audrey raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure if I should be offended or honored.”
“Let’s go with honored.” Kylie ran a few steps ahead. “Definitely honored.”
Audrey put her earbud back in and switched on the music. Harlow’s voice came on, and the familiar pang of loss thrummed through her body. She shouldn’t listen to her, but she couldn’t help herself. She missed her voice. Actually, she missed everything about Harlow. She missed the way her eyes lit up when she smiled. She missed the way she talked with her hands when she was excited about something. She missed the way she’d tug on her hand to pull her in for a kiss. She missed how she’d bite Audrey’s lip when they kissed. Okay. That’s enough.
