VIP

by Jackie D.

  It had been a month since she last spoke with her. A month of crying herself to sleep. A month of hoping she was okay. A month of feeling rejected. A month of wondering how it had gotten so out of control. She’d forced herself to go through the motions, day in and day out. But the familiar pang of loss was always there, gnawing at her insides, reminding her that she wasn’t whole.

  She’d focused on work as much as possible. It helped to dilute some of her pain. She managed to take several meetings and secure funding for their first film. She’d even started getting things lined up for Kylie’s screenplay. Her budding production company was being taken seriously, and people were calling to work with her on it. She had every reason to be over the moon in regards to her career. But everything seemed less bright without Harlow, like the color in her world had shifted to monotone, and she didn’t know how to change it back. She wasn’t sure if she ever could switch it back. It was like seeing life in High-Definition for the first time and then having to go back to the reality of Standard. You’ve been in the industry too long.

  Perhaps this party would be good for her. New year, with a fresh outlook. Even while she was trying to convince herself, she knew it wasn’t true. Time was supposed to heal everything, but Audrey didn’t believe that. Some cracks were so deep, so pronounced, nothing would fill them. The crack Harlow left, she feared, would never be whole again.

  * * *

  Harlow listened as the counselor laid out the ground rules for her discussion with Casper. She was trying to be fully present. She wanted to find a way to move past all the hurt with her brother, but she found herself growing more agitated by the second.

  “Do you have any questions?” The therapist looked at her with his fingers steepled against his chin.

  Harlow shook her head, and the therapist motioned for Casper to speak.

  Casper shifted in his chair. “I know I hurt you, Low. I know you’re frustrated with me, angry, and confused. I’m sorry. I’m addicted to gambling, and I’m trying to work on it.”

  “And how does that make you feel, Harlow?” The therapist’s voice was calm, and she found it terribly irritating.

  “How do I feel?” She couldn’t stop the small laugh that escaped her. “I’m fucking angry. I’m mad at you for not coming to me. I’m mad at you for putting me in an impossible situation. I’m mad at you for risking your life. I’m mad at you for involving my tour and risking everything we built together. But mostly, I’m mad at you for all the lies.” She put her head in her hands. “You’ve done nothing but lie to me for God knows how long, Casper. Not just about the addiction, but about Mom. You made me doubt myself. You made me doubt us.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry. Everyone is sorry. Sorry doesn’t put things back together. Sorry doesn’t fix our relationship.”

  “Casper, how does what Harlow said make you feel?” The therapist adjusted his glasses.

  Casper rubbed his hands against his legs. “It makes me sad. It makes me feel guilty. I never wanted to hurt her, and I know I did.”

  The therapist leaned forward in his chair. “Well, as we discussed, Harlow’s forgiveness is for her to give. It’s not anything you can control. But what are some things you think you can do to work toward earning that from her?”

  Casper looked at Harlow, and she had to keep herself from crying. His eyes were full of pain. “I know I can no longer work for you, but I’d still like to see you. I’m open to whatever schedule works for you.”

  “What are you going to do to keep yourself from gambling?” She tried to keep her voice level and without judgment.

  “I’m going to keep going to meetings. I’m going to hire someone to handle all my finances, and I’m going to find a way to repay you no matter how long it takes. I know I’ve lost everything because of this.”

  “What about Mom? You stole so much time from us, Casper.”

  “I know. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. If I could go back and change it all, I would, Low. I swear to you, I would. I know I betrayed your trust. I know the reason you quit your tour was because of me. I know I can’t fix it, but I want to do better.”

  Harlow shook her head. “I didn’t quit the tour because of you. I mean, I thought I did at first. You were an easy excuse. I quit the tour because I couldn’t handle the thought of failure. I felt lost after what happened with you, and I didn’t cope well. I need to take some responsibility. I’ve relied on you for so much, for so long, and that’s not fair either.” She gave him a half-smile. “We both have some work to do.”

  The therapist filled the silence. “I think this is great progress.” He looked at Harlow. “If you’re open to it, I’d like you to come back and meet with us one more time before Casper is through with treatment here.”

  Harlow nodded. “Sure.”

  Casper showed her out to a bench that sat looking at a small pond. He seemed more relaxed than she ever remembered him being. There was a peace about him that wasn’t typical. The sharp shards of anger that had been pricking her skin began to fall away.

  “I really appreciate you coming,” he said as he took a seat next to her.

  “I wasn’t sure I was going to at first, but my therapist insisted.”

  He looked surprised. “You’re seeing a therapist?”

  She pulled her hood up over her head to protect herself from the winter air. “Three times a week. We all have our shit, Casper.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

  She kicked the gravel at her feet. “I’m glad you’re getting help. I don’t want to lose you.”

  He put his arm around her and pulled her head to his shoulder. “You won’t ever lose me, Low. It’s always been us.”

  “Yeah, but now I need you to focus on yourself. I’ll be okay.” She was surprised that her voice didn’t crack. Her emotions were a messy web—good, bad, regret, pain, anger, love. They bubbled so close to the surface, and she wasn’t sure which to grab on to—so she settled on love. “I love you. I will do whatever I can to help you.”

  He kissed her, and she felt the soft tremble brought on by tears against her head. “Thank you.”

  They sat there in silence for several more minutes. It was the kind of silence that could only happen with people who shared a history. A history of loss, of love, and devotion. It was the kind of history siblings shared. She could put aside the pain because her love for him was stronger. Her mother was right. Love could be prickly. Sometimes messy. It could be imperfect because people were imperfect. What mattered more than the mistakes and regrets was the willingness to see what that person was capable of—who they could be. Loving someone meant allowing growth and change, even when it hurt. She hoped Audrey would see it the same way.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Tell me again why I’m doing this.” Audrey pulled at the deep vee of the Calvin Klein outfit to make sure it covered her boobs. The short red skirt and white halter top were amazing, and it would be wasted on her. It deserved to be on someone who was looking for a good time.

  Kylie pulled on her shoe as she tripped out of Audrey’s closet. “Okay, I told you to look hot-hot, and you’ve totally come through. Holy hell.”

  Audrey looked down. She knew she should feel beautiful, but she didn’t. “Thanks. Anything for you.”

  “You could sound a little more convincing, but I’ll take it.”

  Audrey took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m totally here for you tonight, but I want you to remember something for me.” She waited until she had Kylie’s full attention. “Your worth is not tied up in what Chelsea Drake thinks of you. You wrote a brilliant screenplay, and I’m excited to produce it. I’m so proud of you. Whatever happens tonight, please don’t forget that.”

  Kylie’s eyes softened, and she rested her forearms on Audrey’s shoulders. “You’re the best friend I could ever have. You know that, right?” She kissed her cheek. “Thank you for always believing in me.”

 
Audrey hugged her. “The feeling is mutual.” She waved a hand in front of her face to stop herself from crying. “I can’t ruin my mascara before we’ve walked out the door.”

  On the drive over, Audrey tried not to focus on all of the ways Harlow could be keeping herself busy on New Year’s Eve. Unfortunately, the possibilities were endless—images of her in bed with that woman in the photograph filled the blank spaces in her mind. Thoughts of candlelit dinners and walks along the Monterey shoreline fluttered through her thoughts. The most apparent, though, was that it wasn’t that Harlow couldn’t be in a relationship—it was that she couldn’t be in one with her.

  “You ready?” Kylie seemed like she was practically crawling out of her skin with excitement, and Audrey couldn’t help but smile.

  “You bet.”

  The event space was erupting with lights, music, and beautiful people. Servers in tuxedoes made their way around the area carrying trays of champagne and small bites of food. The word GLAAD was swirling on the floor and the walls, and there was rainbow glitter everywhere. Cleanup is going to be a bitch.

  Audrey made her rounds with Kylie, offering dozens of obligatory face kisses and brief bouts of small talk. There was so much happiness and celebratory enthusiasm around her, she was almost able to put Harlow out of her mind. Almost. That is, of course, until she heard a few people mumbling their excitement about the guest who’d just pulled up to the party.

  Audrey felt her heart catch in her chest, and she made her way to the other side of the room to see if she’d heard correctly. She weaved between people, trying to catch a glimpse of the entranceway. She was both thrilled and devastated when she finally laid eyes on her. There, walking through the front doors, looking absolutely fucking perfect, was Harlow Thorne.

  Audrey hadn’t realized she’d put her hand against her chest until Kylie pulled at her arm. “You okay?” Kylie gripped her wrist, looking apologetic.

  “I, um—I need to go to the restroom.” Audrey hurried away before Kylie could stop her.

  She needed to compose herself. She needed to reel in her emotions. She needed not to be such a damn basket case. People ran into their exes all the time, especially in this industry. The bathroom was busy, so she opened one of the stall doors and sat on the toilet. She tried to calm her breathing by taking longer breaths than she’d been allowing herself. Once she didn’t feel like passing out, she mentally ran through different scenarios.

  You don’t own Los Angeles. Harlow lives here too, and you’re going to run into her from time to time. Stop being such a child. You’ve been broken up with before. This is no different. She didn’t bring a date. Why didn’t she bring a date? Oh my God, stop. She could be meeting someone here. That would be perfect. You could watch her be all over someone else for the entire night—an ideal way to spend New Year’s.

  There was a knock on the bathroom stall. “You okay?” Kylie’s tone conveyed her concern.

  Audrey ran her hands over her face. Her cheeks were hot, and her hands were clammy. “Yup. Just need a minute.”

  She considered hiding in the stall for the rest of the night. Then she tried to figure a way out of the party without being noticed. Perhaps she could carry the fake plant sitting in the corner of the bathroom lobby in front of her. It worked in movies.

  “Honey, at least let me in.” Kylie pressed her face against the small crack in the stall.

  Audrey unlatched the door. “Sorry, I panicked when I saw her.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Kylie ran her hands over Audrey’s shoulders. “Do you just want to get out of here?”

  “We haven’t gotten to talk to Chelsea Drake yet.” Audrey winced at how pathetic she sounded.

  “That’s okay.” Kylie took her hand.

  Audrey closed her eyes and focused on what had brought her here. She came to support Kylie. Kylie, who would do anything for her and who had stood by her their entire lives. She was willing to give up her chance to talk to someone important, just so Audrey was comfortable. She deserved better.

  “It’s not okay,” Audrey said. She stood and straightened her skirt. “Let’s get out of here and go talk to Chelsea.”

  “Are you sure?” Kylie looked concerned. “It doesn’t have to be tonight.”

  Audrey hugged her. “Yes, it does.”

  She followed Kylie out into the crowded room. The lights and laughter were carrying on as if she wasn’t on the verge of getting sick. People danced and drank with no regard for her current emotional state. It was a good reminder that the world continued to turn whether your heart was broken or not. She did her best not to look around, but she knew where Harlow was standing. She could feel her even without being near her. She was like a beacon. Audrey wondered if there would ever be a time she didn’t feel both her absence and presence to acutely.

  * * *

  Harlow had been planning this attempt at reconciliation for several days. It was going to be her grand gesture—a way to apologize for being such a coward. But now that she was here, she was terrified. Up until now, she could only imagine Audrey’s reaction. After tonight it would be a reality, and there’d be no guessing. That should bring some sense of peace. It did not.

  She hadn’t expected Audrey to run to her when they first made eye contact, but she also hadn’t anticipated her immediate escape into the bathroom. It was as if Audrey didn’t want to be in the same room with her. Can I blame her?

  Harlow weaved in and out of people, stopping briefly for photos until she made it behind the stage. She wasn’t being peppered with questions about her brother or the tour, which was a welcome surprise. People seemed genuinely excited to see her, which made her frayed nerves slightly more bearable. She found Dominic taking shots with a few very excited young women.

  “Hey, gorgeous.” He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. “You look fantastic.” He held her at arm’s length to look her over thoroughly. “I wasn’t sure you’d show.” He filled one of the shot glasses and handed it to her.

  “Thanks for letting me crash the act tonight.” She threw back the shot and covered her mouth with the back of her hand. “Jesus, what was that?”

  He wrapped her arm around her shoulder and kissed her cheek. “Black Bowmore. There were only one hundred and fifty-nine bottles ever made. Fucking forty grand a bottle.”

  She coughed at the information. “Holy shit, Dom. Who spends that on whiskey?”

  He grinned widely. “It’s not every day my girl falls in love. It’s a cause for celebration. When you called to tell me about your little plan, I couldn’t help myself. It’s for good luck.”

  She sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not sure if we should be celebrating just yet. I’m not sure if she’ll take me back. I messed this one up pretty bad.”

  He poured her another shot and handed it to her. “Here’s to getting everything you ever wanted.” He put his forehead against hers. “You deserve to be happy, kid.” He tapped the side of her cheek. “Now, go shoot your shot.”

  She drank the whiskey and handed the glass back, then turned toward the stage and shook her arms at her sides. The last time she was this nervous about taking a stage, she was an opening act. She had more to lose now.

  She walked out onto the stage and felt the immediate and familiar heat of the spotlight, tracking her movements. She took the acoustic guitar from its stand and moved the microphone to her height level. The music that had been playing as filler while the band was on a break quieted. The void it created caused everyone to turn their attention to the stage. The sudden burst of applause and excitement was enough to make her smile.

  “I thought I’d play a song for you guys tonight. Do you mind?” She strummed the guitar, needing something to keep her hands from shaking. She waited until the applause and screams of approval died down. “This song is from the album I’ve been working on for the last few months. I’ve never played it live, so I hope you all don’t mind hearing it first.” She sat on the stool and wiped away the b
it of sweat on her forehead. “The new album is about the first and only woman I’ve ever loved.” The crowd screamed, and she continued to strum. She looked into the crowd hoping to see Audrey, but the lighting limited her view. She thought about editing what she was going to say but changed her mind. Not only did she want Audrey to know how she felt, but she also didn’t want to hide anymore. “I’ve had a crush on Audrey Knox since I was a teenager.” Laughter and shouts of approval came from the people below. “Then I met her and found out teenage me had grossly underestimated her. Audrey is smart, funny, kind, sweet, and generous. I feel lucky to have met her, and even luckier that she gave me a chance to get to know her.” She continued to play, her heart racing more furiously than it ever had on stage before. “I blew that chance, and this may not win her back, but I hope it’s a start.” She closed her eyes and began to sing, letting the love song fill her soul and come pouring out in her voice.

  Harlow finished the song and bowed to the ecstatic crowd. The familiar rush that always accompanied a performance raced through her body, and she realized how much she needed to get back on stage. It was a crucial part of her being, and she had to feed it to keep it alive. Still, she’d give it all up if it meant she could get Audrey back.

  Dominic grabbed her when she came down the stairs. “That was perfect.” He kissed both her cheeks. “Now go find her and finish what you started.”

  Harlow thanked him and checked her phone. Her hands were shaky, and she was finding it difficult to get her breathing under control. This was it. She opened the text message from Kylie. You nailed it. We’re upstairs in the VIP area. There was no hint as to how Audrey had received it, but that wasn’t on Kylie. She’d done her a huge favor by getting Audrey here tonight, and she couldn’t ask for anything more. It was up to her now.

  She walked toward the stairs doing her best to remain focused. She smiled at the people offering their praise but didn’t stop to talk. It was as if everything in her whole life hung in the balance. Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but her happiness surely did . She’d either leave here with her heart intact or completely shattered. She hoped for the former but was trying to prepare for the latter. She climbed the stairs, her mouth growing dryer by the second. A few more feet and she would know for sure.