by Katie Ashley
“Don’t cry, baby. There are good times for you still out there.”
“Good things come to good people, and I sure as hell haven’t been good.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve and shook my head. I shook my head when Mom started to protest. “Something has to give.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Oh?”
“Yeah, Mom, I’m really serious. Right now, my life could be some pathetic Lifetime movie. I’m only eighteen years old, but I’ve been in an abusive relationship, I’ve been pregnant, and not only have I had an affair with a married man, but I’ve accused him of rape.” I snatched the napkin off the table and wiped my nose. “I mean, if this isn’t the big turning point, I don’t know what else is.”
As the words rolled off my tongue, it sounded like someone else saying them. But deep down I knew it was the truth, and it was almost freeing to say the words out-loud. I mean, anyone could see I had totally fucked up my life, and there was no one else to blame but me. So, in the same token, there was no one else to get me outta the shithole but me.
I didn’t want this darkness hanging over me anymore. I wanted peace and some semblance of a new life. I couldn’t cling to the Old Jordan anymore. I had to become reborn.
Across the table, Mom remained silent. “All right, JoJo, if you’re serious, you know that I support you. We can drop the charges against Coach T. We’ll enroll you at this Pathways school, and you can start seeing my therapist—”
“No therapists.” I’d been that route before just after my dad left. There’s nothing to make you feel like a total loser than going to a “kiddie shrink”.
Tami interrupted us by bringing our food. Suddenly, I didn’t have much of an appetite. Mom must of noticed because she said, “Tami, would you be a dear and bring us some to-go boxes? We’re going to have to be leaving soon.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
When she left, Mom looked at me. “You need to eat, JoJo.”
Obediently like a child, I lifted the knife and cut into my steak. After three bites, I glanced up at her. “Satisfied?”
She nodded. She’d only been toying with her food anyway. “If you’re not going to go to therapy, what change are you going to make?”
It was at that moment that something bizarrely divine happened. Something I could have almost blown off if it hadn’t happened before my eyes. Two nuns walked in the door with their arms loaded down with packages. I’d never seen shopping nuns before, but it was all the sign I needed.
“I want to go to school at Saint Catherine’s.”
Mom gasped. “That all girls school?”
“Yes.”
“That Catholic school?”
“Yes!” I continued looking at the nuns. One of them caught my eye, and she smiled. I returned her smile. Mom glanced over her shoulder. “Are you trying to tell me you want to become a nun? Because if you are, I’m taking you to the fucking hospital right now!”
I fought not to laugh in her face since her outrage was quite humorous. But I decided I’d better reassure her instead. “No, Mom, I don’t want to become a nun. But I do want to change, and school is part of that. I just think the best thing for me would be to go to an all girls’ school. Away from guys—including teachers.”
Our to-go boxes arrived, and Mom started shoveling her food inside. “Want me to do yours?” she asked, when I still held my fork in midair.
“Aren’t you going to tell me what you think?”
Mom responded by sliding my plate over and dumping it into the box. Then she dug in her purse for her debit card. After she slid it into the leather envelope, she finally looked up at me. She sighed. “Whatever you want to do, JoJo, I’m behind you.”
I smiled. “Really?”
“Of course. For better or worse, I’m your mother. So, if you want to go to school with a bunch of chicks and nuns, then I’m all for it.”
“Thanks Mom.”
And for the first time all week, I actually felt good. I’d had a near death experience, and I wasn’t going to waste it. I was going to change, and I was going to come clean about Coach T.
It was Friday afternoon, and I had a couple of hours to kill until my game. Thinking of it brought a twinge of sadness to my heart. Not only was it the first game without Coach T, but it was also the first one without us doing our ‘Grizzly Den’ layover. Instead of going home before the games, we would hole up in the field house. We’d order in dinner and spend the next few hours eating, laughing, texting, and talking. Coach T loved that we did it. He said it was team building.
Now our team scattered to their own corners. Maybe as team captain I should have done something about keeping the tradition, but I just didn’t have it in me.
So, for the last thirty minutes, I’d reclined on my couch, watching Coach T’s protest rally that I’d TiVoed. I took in every aspect: the size of the crowd, the messages on the signs, the comments from some of the players, parents, and Coach T’s attorney. Of course, I searched for Will each time. He was only shown briefly as the reporter commented that Coach T’s son had also turned out to support him.
Finally, I made myself turn it off. I flipped through the channels until I landed on something to cheer me up. Just as I settled down under my cozy fleece throw, the doorbell rang. I hopped up and padded down the hall. “Who is it?” I asked.
“It’s Will.”
My heard thudded in my chest. With shaking hands, I undid the locks and threw open the door. “Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he murmured.
We both stood there, staring at each other. Finally, I stepped forward. “Wanna come in?”
He nodded. I held the door open, letting him step inside. Once he stood in the foyer, he held back, shifting nervously on his feet. When I walked back into the living room, he followed me.
I picked up the remote to turn off the TV. “Mansfield Park,” he said.
“What?”
He pointed to the TV. “You’re watching Mansfield Park.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said, color flooding my face.
A smile tugged at his lips. “You’re such a sap with your romance movies.”
I didn’t say anything. Instead, I motioned for him to have a seat. He moved the blanket and sat down beside me. “Mel, I came over here to tell you I’m sorry.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You are?”
He nodded. “Yes, I really am. I was so stupid and such a jerk to you.”
I didn’t respond. After all, what could I say? He’d been more than stupid and a jerk. He’d been a mega-sized asshole.
In my hesitation, Will reached over and grabbed my hand. “Will you forgive, Mel? I promise I’ll never be so stupid ever again.”
I stared down at his hand intertwined with mine. “I never thought you’d be that stupid to begin with. So how do I know you aren’t just making promises you won’t keep?”
“But I will! I swear to you I will!” he argued.
His eyes burned into me, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. “You really hurt me. I was just doing what I had to do—what my lawyer and parents said I needed to.”
“I know,” he murmured, his dark head hanging in shame.
“And then you giving me that bullshit ultimatum and not speaking to me yesterday.”I shook my head. “It was like I didn’t even know you anymore.”
Will leaned towards me. “Melanie, all I can say is how very sorry I am. I guess I just snapped when I found out there was some kinda real evidence with Jordan and how you weren’t going to be able to go to the rally. It blinded me, and I’m sorry.” He sighed. “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
I wanted to tell him I knew how he felt. That being someone else drained me, and I’d give anything to go back to the old me. But I didn’t. Instead, I squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through, Will. I want to be here for you. I really do.”
He brought his hand to my face. Slowly, his fingertips rubbed across my cheek. “Not being with you—it’s be
en miserable.”
I closed my eyes. “It has for me, too.”
“Please forgive me. I can’t live without you, Mel,” he murmured, before leaning over to kiss me.
I jerked away before I could stop myself. It was a gut reaction—a true aversion to anything remotely sexual.
Will stared at me with questioning eyes. Stammering, I said, “I-I’m s-sorry. I guess I’m just gun-shy after what happened.” I’d given him yet another lie. I was getting way too good at this.
The truth was I missed his kisses. I missed the way they could make with tingle with longing and feel safe and protected all at once. I knew it was strange to feel this way about him after what happened.
I cupped his face in my hands and stared into his eyes. “I love you so much it hurts,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m so, so sorry. I never want to do anything to hurt you ever again,” he said.
I accepted his apology by bringing my arms around his neck. And for the moment, we were all right.
***
The next night found me lounging around on the couch once again while my parents rushed around getting ready for Luke’s ball game. “Suzanne, have you seen my phone?” Dad shouted upstairs.
“It’s on the table by the door,” I replied.
Dad laughed. “What would I do without you?”
I smiled. “Who knows.”
He grabbed up the phone and slid it in his pocket. Then he looked over at me. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to Luke’s game?”
“Nah, I’m tired. I’ll just support him at the next home game.”
Dad smiled. “All right. Call us if you need us.” He went back to the staircase. “Suzanne, we have to go!”
Mom responded by rushing down the stairs in a cloud of Tresor perfume. “Okay, okay, I’m ready,” she panted, clearly out of breath. She was notorious for being late.
“Still not coming?” she asked, throwing on her coat.
“Nope, I gotta hot date with popcorn and a movie.”
Mom forced a smile. I could tell she was concerned by the way I’d been acting lately. Plus, I was never one to not be doing something on Friday and Saturday nights, even after games. “Okay, well, if you’re sure…”
“I am.”
“Then we’ll see you after nine.”
I nodded. “Be careful, and tell Luke to win big!”
After finding nothing on television but reality shows, I picked up my worn copy of Pride and Prejudice. Just as I was being swept away by Mr. Darcy, my phone buzzed next to me. It was a text from Will.
Need to talk. Be there in five.
I quickly texted back an ok. I didn’t have to wait long for him to knock at the back door. I let him in. “Hey babe, what’s wrong?” I asked.
Will didn’t answer me. He gazed around the kitchen. “Where’s your mom and dad?”
“They’re at Luke’s game—you know the Freshman play away one tonight over in Hamilton.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot.”
He still stood there, swaying back and forth. “Will?” I questioned.
“Let’s go to the living room.”
Without a word, he stalked out of the kitchen. I followed slowly behind him. Before sinking down on the couch, Will slung off his coat and threw it angrily to the floor. I hesitated in the doorway, unsure of what to say or do. When his chest began heaving in silent sobs, I crossed the room to him. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, as I eased down beside him on the couch.
He momentarily stiffened, and I knew he was embarrassed for me to see him crying. But I drew him into my arms and held him. “It’s okay,” I whispered in his ear. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I held him for a few moments before he pulled away. He wiped his damp eyes on his sleeve. “Because of all this shit going on, Dad can’t come to Senior Night.”
I gasped in shock. With everything going on, I hadn’t given Senior Night much thought. It was a celebration time where players and their parents were introduced to the fans. Mothers received roses, and then both parents led their child across the court. It was a big production—something you looked forward to.
But the enormity came crashing down on me. Of course Coach T wouldn’t be allowed to come. Because of his arrest, he wasn’t allowed within ten feet of a school yard. So he wouldn’t be able to stand beside his son—his only child—at the last home game of Will’s high school career.
“I’m so sorry,” I murmured, running my hand over his back.
He sighed with exasperation. “Everything is just so fucked up now. Mom’s crying all the time. Dad just mopes around the house, staring at all his trophies and coaching awards. The way people look at me in the hallway…” he shook his head angrily. “And the shit they say about you-”
“It’ll die down,” I argued.
“When? It’s been over a week, Mel, and it’s still the hottest gossip at school. Now that the newspapers leaked the fact there’s physical evidence, people are really believing it about Jordan. And when the trial starts.” He closed his eyes and moaned. “Jesus, what will it be like then?”
My heart ached for Will. I wished there was somewhere we could escape. Somewhere far, far away from the scandal and the issues and problems that bogged us down. Maybe a tropical island where no one knew us. An island with crystal blue water and white sandy beaches. Somewhere we could be alone together. A place to drown our troubles in each other’s kisses.
Without stopping to think anymore, I brought my lips to his. At first, he didn’t kiss me back, but when I wrapped my arms around his neck, his lips became eager against mine.
The past week had been a living hell, and I wanted nothing more but for an escape. But then there was also a burning need crackling within me—one that shocked and revolted me. I wanted to erase any memories I had of Coach T raping me, and there was only one way to do that.
I straddled Will’s hips and pushed him back against the couch. He jerked his lips from mine. “Mel, what are you doing?”
I stared into his eyes—cloudy with combustive mix of grief and longing. “I-I want to be with you.”
Will’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you kidding me? Now?”
Warmth filled my cheeks as I ducked my head and nodded. When I finally dared to meet his gaze, he was staring at me. “Don’t you want to?” I whispered.
A ragged breath escaped his chest. “Of course I want to. But the question is after all the shit that’s gone down this week, are you sure you want to?”
The truth was I needed this to happen now more than ever before. I needed to be the normal girl who slept with her high school boyfriend, not a rape victim. More than anything, sex was my decision this time, and I controlled whether it happened or it didn’t. No one was forcing me to do anything, and it was empowering.
I picked at the rose pattern on my throw and refused to answer him. He took my hand in his. “Mel, I want to be with you more than anything in the world, but I want to know that we’re doing this for the right reasons.”
My heart beat erratically in my chest. “I love you so much, Will. I just want something good to happen with all this craziness around us.”
He stared at me for a moment before he finally smiled. “I love you, too,” he murmured. Then he kissed me, and he didn’t argue or question me anymore. I slid off his lap and then stood up from the couch, pulling him up beside me. Hand and hand we walked up the stairs.
Part of me tingled with excitement. This was it. I was finally going to be with Will. We were going to make love for the first time—after all this time.
But the voices of doubt mocked me. What do you think you’re doing? You can’t give yourself to him—you’ve already been had! And by his father.
I reached the landing of the stairs and squeezed my eyes shut, desperately battling the raging war in my mind. If I’m with Will, it can erase the past. Our love is powerful enough to take the rape away. I truly believed I could delude myself into accepting he was
my first—that what happened in Coach T’s office was false. Yes, once we were together, it would change.
Will walked on ahead of me into the bedroom. I shut and locked the door behind us. I knew we had enough time. It would be hours before my parents got back home.
He waited for me in the center of the room. I took slow steps over to him. He drew me into his arms, kissing me lightly on the lips. His kisses then trailed across my cheek.
“Don’t be nervous,” he murmured, as his lips grazed my ear.
“I’m not,” I lied. But it was impossible not to be. I wasn’t just making love with him—I was using the moment to drown out the past.
Will’s lips briefly met mine before his tongue swept inside my mouth. I ran my fingers through his hair. He sat me down at the edge of the bed. I glanced up at him shyly as I pulled his shirt out of his jeans. He raised his arms as I whisked his shirt away. He brought my hand to his bare chest. “I love you with all my heart, Melanie Reeves, and one day, I’m going to marry you.”
I couldn’t help giggling. “I’m already going to sleep with you, Will, so don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep!”
He shook his head. “I really mean it. I don’t care if they say we’re too young and don’t know what we’re doing. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Tears stung my eyes. “You really want to marry me?”
“If I had a ring, I’d get on one knee right now!” he assured me, with a grin.
“I’d say yes,” I whispered.
He kissed me. “I’m glad to hear it.” Then he eased me onto my back. The moment I felt his weight on me, I began to panic. I tore my lips from his, desperate for air. Will took it as an invitation and began kissing down my neck. I closed my eyes and tried focusing on the sensation of his hands under my shirt.
But when his hand snaked down to the button of my jeans, my throat started to close up. A prickly sensation needled its way over my body before lodging in my chest. This wasn’t right. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. All the pleasure and anticipation washed away, and a stone cold reality crashed down on me.
