by Katie Ashley
With my eyes pinched shut, I willed the feeling to go away. I tried running my fingers through his hair again. But it didn’t help. Then I brought my hands to his bare chest, but as my hand touched his skin, something flickered in my mind—slow at first like glimmering images on a pond. Then it charged full force like a train.
It wasn’t Will on top of me anymore with his hands roaming over my body, seeking what I had for so long denied him. It was Coach T. I heard his voice in my ear, “Will’s just a boy. What does he know? You need a man to teach you about love…you need me to teach you!”
And then I shattered.
“No, no, no!” I screamed. Pounding against Will’s chest, I flailed and writhed out of his grasp the way I had wanted to with Coach T.
“Mel, what’s wrong?” Will asked.
I didn’t answer him. Instead, I slid out from under him and then raced into the bathroom. I heaved the entire contents of my stomach into the toilet. Over and over I threw up until there was nothing left in me. When I finished, I collapsed onto the floor.
Will was by my side. “Are you all right?”
My body shook and convulsed all over. He squatted down beside me. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you to do this. I’m sorry, Mel. I’m so freakin’ sorry.” He tenderly pushed my hair out of my face. That tiny, insignificant gesture sent me over the edge. I began weeping. Hard, guttural sobs that shook my body.
Will wrapped me in his arms. His voice hovered over my ear. “Is this because of what’s happened with my dad?”
“Oh God, Will. I can’t,” I moaned.
“Yes, you can. I love you, and you can tell me anything.”
“Not this!”
Will shook his head.
“It’ll destroy us,” I whispered.
“No, it won’t. Nothing can destroy us, remember?” He grabbed my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. “I love you more than life itself. Nothing you say or do is gonna change that!”
“I was…” I gulped. Flashes of what occurred in Coach T’s office flickered in my mind. “He hurt me,” I whispered.
“What? Who hurt you?” Will pressed.
“What Jordan said about me…it’s true.”
Will’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Wait, they said you were raped.”
I nodded weakly.
His dark eyes widened as his mouth fell open in disbelief. He could only stare at me for a few moments. “I…But why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was so ashamed that I couldn’t tell anyone. I locked it away somewhere deep inside of me until we started making out…then it all came back.”
Finally, it hit him. The one question he hadn’t asked. But by the expression forming on his face, he already knew the answer. “Who was it?” he questioned, his voice choked off by emotion.
“It’s so awful. I can’t!” I cried.
Will grabbed me by the shoulders, tears pooling in his dark eyes. “Tell me!” he demanded. Before I had the chance to open my mouth, he shouted, “Say it, dammit!”
Finally, I whispered, “Your dad.”
The moment the words left my lips, I regretted them. I didn’t have to tell him who it was. I could’ve lied and said it was some stranger, a serial rapist targeting young girls. I’d lied to myself for long enough about what happened. What would it hurt to keep it in?
I wished it more than anything when Will pulled away from me. The horror in his eyes broke me. I didn’t know what it meant to have a nervous breakdown. I’d heard people jokingly exaggerate that they’d had one. Until that moment on my bathroom floor, I had no concept.
Then the frayed strands of my sanity that I’d fought so hard to keep together snapped in two, and I started to free fall into chaos.
First, I screamed.
I screamed and I screamed until I was hoarse. Then my screams turned over to cries of agony. Pain, both physical and emotional, consumed me. Will tried to console me, but it was useless. He panicked and called my parents.
When they heard my sobs in the background, they told him to call the paramedics. So he did. By the time they arrived, I was spent of emotions. Instead, I lay motionless on the floor. They were a hazy blur of blue uniforms and soft voices. I could hear them calling my name from far off—like I was under the surface of water. But I couldn’t muster the strength to reply. I heard crying behind me. It must’ve been Will because one of the paramedics said, “Don’t worry, son, we’re gonna take good care of her.”
Then I felt myself floating upwards as they put me on a gurney. I rattled and shook as they pulled me out of the house. The flashing lights hurt my eyes. But then a needle pierced my vein, bringing liquid peace to my soul.
It was just another Friday afternoon. But in a way, it was special. It marked one week down at my new school. One week and counting of the new and improved Jordan Marie Solano.
Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I liked St. Catherine’s. No tension or sexual pressure hung in the air. All of that was reserved for outside of school. Within the building, it was just three hundred girls focused on their education.
It really was freeing. I went to school with no makeup and my hair pulled back in a ponytail. I mean, there was no one I had to impress—no one to dress up for, to slink around like a sex kitten for. Nope, just the nuns.
And I liked it that way.
The day Carson beat me up in the locker room, I officially swore off men. They’d caused too much trouble in my life—not to mention the fact I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps. Basically, I went to school, did my homework, and worked.
So far, I had no contact with anyone from the Newton world. I desperately wanted to hear from Tara, but she would never return my phone calls. I knew from the newspapers that Coach T was out on bail awaiting the trial. Dread filled me at the thoughts of to running into him again. Not that I worried about what he might do if he saw me. Instead, I worried about my reaction. It had been two weeks of slowly weaning myself off him. Two weeks of telling myself every day I no longer loved him. Two weeks of each day realizing what a fool I’d been.
Every day Mom broached the subject of going to the authorities and dropping the case. Each time she did, I said I would do it tomorrow. It was just too much to bear at the moment.
Even though little time had passed, it was like I went in one world and then woke up in another. One day I was myself and then the next I was someone entirely different. It was a little frightening—like waking up as a clone.
I breezed into Fiorenza’s at a little past four. My work clothes were stowed in the duffel bag on my shoulder. As Marcus came around the corner, his eyes roved over my uniform, and then he whistled. “Damn, Jordan! Rocking the naughty school girl look, are we?”
I snorted. “You’re so original, Marcus.”
He laughed. “It’s a good look on you.”
“Whatever,” I muttered, as I headed into the back storeroom to change. The revolving door swung behind me as I snuck over to one of the corners, away from the prying eyes of pervy Italian waiters.
I stripped off my navy vest and started unbuttoning my shirt. After I slid it off, I tossed it over a rack of tomato sauce. I had just started easing off my skirt when someone burst through the door. “What the—” I muttered.
His arms were loaded down with boxes. Before I could wiggle back into my skirt, he turned to face me. “Jesus,” said.
It was then I got a good look at him. He had dark hair, buzzed short. The blue eyes that drank in every curve on me were the clearest I’d ever seen. In the light, I caught the gleam of piercings in his chin and ears. Even through the white shirt of Fiorenza uniform, I could see his arms inked in blue and green tattoos.
He continued to stand there, staring at me. I cocked my eyebrows at him. “Hey asshole, do you mind?”
“Oh damn, um, yeah, uh sorry. Excuse me,” he said, before he spun around and promptly tripped over a mound of boxes. A great commotion ensued as they all toppled over on
him. Then he gave a low moan.
Without thinking, I raced over to him. Frantically, I began pushing and shoving boxes off of him. I cleared enough to see his face and gasped. “Oh shit, you’re hurt!”
A large gash ran across his forehead, sending blood oozing down his face. I turned back and ran over to my clothes. I grabbed up the white shirt and hurried back over to him.
I started to bring the shirt to his forehead, but he swatted it away. “No, it’ll ruin it!”
“But we have to stop the bleeding,” I said, pressing it against him. He stopped arguing with me and lay back against the floor.
That’s when I realized since I was kneeling over him in nothing but my skirt and bra, he had one hell of a view. Way to go, Jordan. Nice of you to expose yourself so soon to a guy after swearing them off!
He must’ve read my thoughts. “Here I’ve got this. You go ahead and change.”
“Okay.” I went back to the corner where I was before. I snatched up my shirt and threw it on and then I grabbed the khaki pants out of the bag and slid them up with my skirt still on. It didn’t make it down as easy with the pants on, and I must’ve have grunted and strained pretty loudly because I heard his laughter.
“I would’ve closed my eyes, you know,” he called from across the room.
I whirled around and shot him a look. “Why bother? You’d already ogled every inch of me. What was left?”
Slowly, he rose to his feet. He wobbled a little at first before he strode over to me. “If that’s the case, then why did you put your pants on first?” When I didn’t say anything, he grinned. “Pity, cuz I would’ve enjoyed a view of your ass.”
I snorted. “Wow, you’re a real sweet talker, huh?”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, actually I am. Get to know me and you’ll see.”
“Um, hmm, I don’t think that’s necessary.” I eyed him up and down. “So what are you doing here anyway?”
“Manny hired me. I’m the new cook.”
“Good for you.” I glanced at my watch. “Well, try not to kill yourself again, okay?”
He grinned. “If I knew it’d bring an angel of mercy like you, I’d do it every day, maybe even every hour.”
I rolled my eyes and started for the door. “Nice pick up lines.”
“Wait,” he said. I turned back around. “We haven’t been introduced.” He thrust out his hand. “I’m Nick DeLuca.”
I gingerly took it in mine. Instantly, electricity pulsed through me. Oh shit, not again. Do not even think about it! I tried not focusing on how his hands were surprisingly soft for such a rough looking guy. Finally, I found my voice. “I’m Jordan Solano.”
He nodded. “Nice to meet you.”
We stood there staring at each other before I finally cleared my throat. “Yeah, well, I better go. Manny will be on my ass for being late.”
“Okay.”
Nick leaned over and picked up my bag. “I’m really sorry about your shirt. I wish you’d let me pay you.”
“No, no, it’s okay. My mom bought a ton of them on Monday for my new school.”
He handed it to me, and I quickly tossed it in the bag. “Well, thanks again,” he said, before I walked outside.
We were actually fairly busy that night, and I didn’t get a break until almost eight. “Hey Jordan, take out the trash before you take your fifteen minutes,” Manny instructed.
“Thanks a lot,” I grumbled as I swept up the overflowing black bag of trash. The moment I opened the back door, a cloud of smoke blew into my face. Nick sat on the edge of the cement steps, a cigarette in hand.
He whirled around. “Hey, Jordan.”
“Hey yourself.”
“Taking a break?”
I nodded as I tossed the trash into the dumpster before walking over to him.
“Wanna sit down?” he asked.
My mind screamed, No, I shouldn’t. I should right back around and get my ass inside—where I’d be safe…away from you! But I smiled and eased down beside him. When I did, a black case fell at his feet, causing my heart to sink.
He met my eyes, and I shook my head. “Listen, dude, that’s not cool.”
“Look, I can explain—”
I held up my hand. “No, there’s no explaining. You’re obviously out here shooting up or something with that drug case.”
Suddenly, he was laughing really hysterically at my side.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, being high is so funny. Your shit could lose Manny his license or something.”
“Jordan,” he began, still unable to contain his laughter, “this isn’t a drug case.”
I arched my eyebrows. “It isn’t?”
He shook his head. Without taking his eyes off of mine, he leaned forward and picked it up. He handed it to me.
“See for yourself.”
I gingerly took it in my hands. My fingers found the zipper on the side, and I slid it open. When I saw what it was, I stared up at him in surprise. “This is a Bible.”
“Yep, it sure is.”
“But…” I stared dumbly at the black Bible with the gold embossed lettering.
“Hmm, I think I get what you’re implying. What’s a guy like me doing out here with the good book?”
I blushed, maybe for the first time in my entire life. “I’m sorry.”
Nick grinned. “It’s okay. I’d probably think the same thing.” He stubbed his cigarette out on the concrete and looked back up at me. “Want me to tell you why?”
In the true smartass fashion of the Old Jordan, I said, “Not if you’re gonna preach to me or try to save my soul or something!”
“No, I’m not going to preach to you,” he assured. His grin spread across his face, causing those beautiful baby blues to twinkle.
“All right then.”
Drawing in a ragged breath, he said, “I’ve led a pretty messed up life the past couple of years.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
Nick shrugged. “It’s okay.” He glanced over at me with a serious expression. “This time last year you would’ve found me with a drug case. I was a junkie living on the streets. But one day, I decided I wanted to get clean. I wanted to make something of myself. So, I got help, and I’ve been clean ever since.”
“And the Bible?” I asked.
He tapped the casing with his fingers. “It’s all part of me rebuilding my life. You know, part of the Twelve Steps of AA—alcohol was just another one of my vices.”
I stared in amazement at him. No one had ever been that open and vulnerable with me—especially someone I barely knew. “Why did you just tell me that?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“Because I saw something in you—something that made me realize I could trust you.”
I smirked at him. “I suppose seeing my boobs had nothing to do with it?”
Nick laughed. I liked how it sounded—it warmed me from my head to my toes. “No, Jordan, seeing your rack had nothing to do with it, I promise. I’m so much deeper than that.”
We sat in silence. Nick lit another cigarette. I leaned over and snatched it from his fingers. I brought it to my lips and took a long drag. I handed it back to him. “Interesting,” he said. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a smoker.”
“We all have our dirty little habits.”
Nick chuckled. “Yeah, I guess we do. I gave up two nasty habits only to embrace another.”
Manny interrupted us by poking his head out the door. “You two have had a long enough break.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, rising to my feet. I turned back to Nick. “Thanks for the smoke.”
“Anytime,” he replied, with a smile.
As I reached for the door, his voice made me shudder. “Jordan, I’m here for you whenever you want to tell me your story.”
Voices whispered around me in the shadowy realms of my consciousness. My eyelids fluttered as I tried to break through to where they were. Light streamed around me as I took in my surroundings.
<
br /> I was in a hospital room. Across from me, my mom and dad lounged in uncomfortable straight back chairs. Luke perched on the window ledge, his legs dangling over the edge.
My mom’s eyes met mine. “Melly!” At once she was by my side, clutching my hand in hers. “Oh baby, we’re so glad you’re awake,” she said, leaning over to kiss my cheek.
Speaking seemed foreign, especially when my mouth felt like it was filled with saw dust. I cleared my throat several times. “How long have I been asleep?”
Mom didn’t reply. Through the shroud of her hair, she glanced over at my dad. He stepped forward. “You’ve been in and out for the last few days,” he replied.
I gasped. “Days?” How was it possible to be unconscious for days? Had I been in a coma? My frantic thoughts must have played out on my face because Mom leaned forward and stroked my cheek.
“The doctors thought it best to keep you medicated…in your condition.”
My eyebrows arched at the mention of condition. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe Luke and I should go get a Coke,” Dad suggested.
Mom nodded as Luke reluctantly hopped down. As he swept by my bed, he gave me a weak smile.
When the door closed behind them, Mom eased down on the bed beside me. “Melanie, the doctors have kept you medicated because you suffered a breakdown the other night.”
“I did?”
My mind felt like a wasteland saturated with foggy wisps of thoughts and memories. “What caused it?” I demanded.
Mom stared down at her hands. “You admitted to…” She drew in a deep breath. “You told Will you had been raped.”
Raped. The one word cut a jagged path through the fog. Everything came flooding back to me. I shuddered.
I told Will the truth. I admitted the unbelievable and unthinkable. Coach T had raped me. His father had raped me.
“What about Will?” I croaked. “Has he been to see me?”
Mom bit her lip. “We haven’t talked to Will since the other night.”
The knife tore further into me, causing searing pain to radiate through my chest. It pulsed like an artery had been severed. In truth, I wished it had. A major artery meant I could hemorrhage to death. Slow and easy…and then all this pain would be over. The hellish nightmare that was my life would be no more.
