by Katie Ashley
“You are?”
I stared down at my hands. “Yeah, there’s a really nice therapist who has been around to talk to me.” I peered up to meet Will’s shocked eyes. “I really like her. And she’s trying to help me get better,” I explained.
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I nervously chewed on my lip, remembering something Dr. Leighton brought up in our last session. “Will?”
“Hmm.”
“If I asked you to do something, would you do it for me?”
“Of course…anything.”
I drew in a deep breath before asking, “Would you come to therapy with me?”
He tensed up next to me before pulling away. “Why?”
“It would be good for you…for us.”
“I don’t know, Mel…I’m not one of these people who believes in feeling a bunch of shit or telling my life story to some stranger.”
I nodded. “No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have asked.”
He exhaled noisily. “Now don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Pretend that you really don’t want me to do something when I know deep down you do.” His lips curved into a smile. “You’re a terrible liar, Mel.”
“I’m sorry for lying. And you’re right. I do want you to come with me, but you don’t have to say anything. I just want you there for support.”
“All right, I think I can handle that.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
He eyed the clock on the wall. “Geez, it’s after four. I guess I better be getting home.”
Closing my eyes, I pressed my nose against his neck and inhaled of his comforting scent. “Why don’t you stay?”
He didn’t answer me. I pulled away to look in his face. “Will?”
His expression was pained. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, considering the circumstances and all.”
“But I like having you here with me. You make me feel safe, like I’m at home.” To prove there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t stay, I brought my lips to his. I pulled away and whispered, “Stay.”
He answered my request by wrapping his arms tightly around me. And that night, Will and I slept together for the first time. We weren’t sharing a bed after our “first time” sexual experience like I always thought we would. Instead, this time together was about different needs and desires.
Sunlight streaming through the blinds woke me. Something heavy pressed against me. Before I could panic, I remembered Will was with me. I peered over to see him sleeping soundly.
I smiled to myself when I thought about the night nurse’s reaction when she walked in and saw Will in the bed with me. She had completely freaked out and threatened to call security. After all, my chart clearly stated I’d been admitted for a neurotic episode brought on by rape, and here I was in bed with some strange guy. Luckily, I was able to assure her nothing bad was going on, and she agreed not to throw Will out.
It was almost time for the breakfast trays to come around. I leaned over and kissed his neck and cheeks until he slowly began to stir. His drowsy brown eyes opened to meet mine. “Good morning,” I said.
“Morning,” he yawned. He stretched his arms over his head. “Ow!”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’ve gotta hell of a crick in my neck,” he replied.
“Sorry.”
Will stopped rubbing his neck to smile down at me. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Besides the neck, did you sleep okay?” I asked.
“Actually I did.” He laughed. “Did you know you’ve got the cutest little snores?”
My eyes widened. “I do not!”
“Yeah, you’re right. You sound more like a bear.”
I laughed. “Stop teasing me,” I half-heartedly commanded, running my fingers through his bed hair.
We lay there staring into each others eyes until I finally asked, “So what happens now?”
He sighed. “I wish I knew.”
I traced my finger over the stripes on his shirt. “So does everyone at school…”
“Yeah, they know it really happened,” Will replied.
I jerked straight up in the bed. “Oh no,” I moaned. An icy fear washed over me. How could I ever face them? How could I ever stand before the girls on my team as liar who bent the truth to save her own self?
“They understand why you lied, Mel,” he said, as if he were able to read my thoughts.
“All of them do?” In truth, I wouldn’t have been too surprised to have one or two who doubted my story. I mean, Coach T had been a part of our lives for four years. Most of them felt about him the same way I did…at least the way I once did.
Will nodded. “He was your coach. You respected him, and you didn’t want to see him get into trouble.”
“That’s true,” I murmured.
“And…”
I raised my eyebrows. “And what?”
“He was…my father.”
I nodded. “Yes, he is.”
Will’s eyes darkened. “He’s not my father anymore, Mel. Not after what he did to you, not after he told me the vicious things he did—just to hurt me and run you down.” He shook his head. “No, he’s dead to me.”
I decided not to argue the point with him. I figured that was something Dr. Leighton could unearth in one of our sessions. “What about your mom?”
“She filed for divorce the day she found out about you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. They’d already been fighting before any of this happened. I guess, they hadn’t been happy for a long time. Maybe that’s why he hooked up with Jordan.”
When Will mentioned Jordan’s name, it was the first time I’d thought of her in a long time. I guess I was too wrapped up in my own drama to consider her. “So what’s happened with Jordan?”
Will shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. There was this whole drama of Carson Ridings coming to school and beating her up. She withdrew from Newton, but no one really knows where she went. Somebody said they thought she was going to St. Catherine’s. She’s probably heard what happened to you by now.”
My chest tightened. “She already knew,” I replied.
“What?”
“Jordan confronted me in the bathrooms the day she came back.”
Will leaned forward. “About what?” Since I didn’t know how to mention the underwear, I remained silent. “Melanie?” he prompted.
Closing my eyes, I finally said, “S-She found my panties in the futon cushions in your dad’s office.”
A cross between a growl and a cry erupted from the back of Will’s throat, but I continued on. “At first, she thought I had…that I was having an affair with him.” I shook my head. “And then somehow she knew the truth.”
“So that’s why she initially told the investigators that you were a victim too?”
I nodded.
“Damn.”
The rattling of the breakfast trays coming around interrupted us. When I opened the lid, I wrinkled my nose. I didn’t have much of an appetite, which was good since the food tasted terrible. “Wanna help me eat this?” I asked Will.
He nodded. After we finished, Will glanced over at me. “Want me to stay until your parents get here?”
“I’d like that.”
He smiled. “Then I’ll stay.”
On Saturday night, I stood in front of my closet debating what to wear. Nick had told me to dress casually, but I didn’t know exactly how casual he meant. With time ticking by, I finally choose a simple black skirt with a purple sweater. I made sure that it wasn’t one of my more cleavage baring ones. I didn’t think it was right to flash my boobs in church, but at the same time, I also didn’t want to show too much skin to Nick either.
Promptly at seven, Nick rang the doorbell. I slipped into my black knee boots and then ran down stairs. When I threw open the door, Nick drank in my appearance from head to toe. “You look amazing,” he said.
“Thanks. So do you.”
And it was the truth. The sight of him in his black dress shirt and black pants sent my heart racing. With his electric purple tie, we appeared to have color coordinated.
We stood awkwardly for a moment. “Why don’t you come in while I get my coat?”
“Sure,” he said, as he stepped inside the foyer. As I went to the closet, I noticed him sizing up the living room. “You have a really beautiful house.”
“Thanks,” I said, as I pulled on my coat. “I’d introduce you to my mom, but she’s out with her boyfriend.”
Nick smiled. “That’s okay. Some other time.” A hopeful look twinkled in his eyes.
I nodded.
“Okay, then, let’s get going.”
When we got outside, I slid into Nick’s older model Honda. It had a comforting feeling to it, mainly because it smelled like him. As we made the drive across town, we didn’t talk. Instead, we listened to the radio. I wasn’t really sure what to say. I knew this wasn’t supposed to be a date. We were just hanging out. I mean, he was taking me to church on a Saturday night for goodness sake. How much more undate-like could you get?
But it really felt like a date, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. Not to mention I was supposed to be giving up men, although my new therapist didn’t think the cold turkey approach was in my best interest. Personally, I didn’t like the shame or guilt that coursed through me when I thought about being with Nick. I also didn’t like that tiny flicker still burning within me for Coach T.
When we arrived at the church, I knew I was in for a whole new ball game when I saw what appeared to be a group of Hells Angels motorcycle guys. “Um is this Biker Heaven or something?” I asked.
Nick laughed. “No, smartass it isn’t. Now will you please promise to keep an open mind during the service?”
“I’ll try,” I grumbled.
The “church” wasn’t an actual church. Instead, it was a large room in an abandoned warehouse. The moment we walked through the door, my ears stung from the screamo music blaring out of the speakers. It took me a few seconds to realize it was Christian screamo. Hmm, I was definitely out of St. Catherine’s territory.
Nick spoke to everyone, and I could tell people were touched by him here just like they were at work. They all sized me up—I guess deciding if I was the right kind of girl for him. But those looks were fleeting, and I found more acceptance than I’d experience in a long, long time. It was really nice.
As the band struck up a few contemporary songs, Nick leaned over. “You’re really going to like Henry, the pastor.”
I cocked my eyebrows while fighting not to sound like a smart ass with an “I highly doubt it” response.
“He was a junkie too, but he’s even more hardcore than me because he did time.”
I gasped. “You mean the church’s pastor is a felon?”
“Redemption, remember?”
“If you say so,” I mumbled.
“He had a life altering experience in prison. Now he owns a business, lives in the suburbs and has a wife and three kids.” Nick grinned at me. “Aren’t you impressed?”
“Oh yeah, just shows there’s hope for all us sinners.”
He shook his head at me and then turned his attention back to the music. I passed the time by surveying the congregation and wondering what their back stories were like. When the pastor got up, I tried really hard to pay attention, for Nick’s sake, but it was hard. My mind wanted to wander.
Half-way through the sermon, Nick reached over and took my hand in his. I stared up at him, and he smiled and winked, which cause my heart to flutter in my chest. This was bad—very, very bad. I wasn’t supposed to be having these feelings again so soon. I ducked my head in shame when impure thoughts involving Nick rocketed through my mind.
When church was over, Nick tugged on my sweater sleeve. “I want to introduce you to Henry.”
“Um, do I have to?”
Ignoring me, Nick grabbed my hand and then dragged me down the aisle. We stood in line while Henry and his wife shook hands with members.
At the sight of Nick, Henry’s eyes lit up. “I’m so glad to see you here tonight,” he said enthusiastically while pumping Nick’s hand up and down.
Nick grinned. “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”
Henry then turned his attention to me. “And who is this lovely young lady?”
Wow, I don’t think anyone had referred to me as a “lady” in years. I shook Henry’s hand as Nick said, “This is my friend, Jordan.”
Henry gave me his warmest smile. “It’s so nice to have you. I sure hope you’ll come back.”
Jeez, nothing like being put on the spot, not to mention I hated to lie to a minister. “Um, yeah, sure, I’ll try.”
Fortunately, another church member was waiting after me to speak to Henry, so I was momentarily off the hook. Nick, with his hand resting on my lower back, led me up the aisle to where we had come in.
I exhaled noisily as we exited through the double doors. When I glanced over, Nick was grinning at me. He cuffed the back of my neck playfully. “Come on, Jordan. Let’s get you out of church Hell and over to my place.”
It turned out Nick’s loft was in the same row of buildings as the church. It wasn’t the greatest looking area in the world, but I was so proud for him. He’d come a long, long way in a year.
Nick took his keys from his jacket pocket and unlocked the door. After he opened it, he motioned for me to go in first. I took off my coat and glanced around the apartment.
“So, um, it’s not much, but this is home sweet home,” Nick said. He raked his hand over his dark, buzzed hair, and I could tell he was nervous showing it to me.
It might have been a bit run down on the outside, but the inside was so homey. It was one huge, open room. One part was divided into a kitchen and dining room and past that there was a living area with a worn sofa and chair. In the far corner was a double bed and chest of drawers. A partition divided what I imagined was the shower and toilet from the rest of the room.
I turned back to Nick and smiled. “It’s great—I love it.”
He cocked his eyebrows. “Really? I would’ve thought compared to your house, it’s a real shithole.”
I shook my head furiously, hating how he was running himself down. “That’s my mom’s house. This is your place. You did all of this yourself without anyone else’s money. And for someone who is a recovering addict off the streets that’s pretty freakin’ amazing.”
Nick contemplated my response. Then he grinned broadly. “Okay, then, let’s get started on dinner.”
I followed him over to the kitchen. “And what culinary delight are you preparing?”
“Well, I figured after working all the time in an Italian restaurant, we could do with a change. So, I thought chicken enchiladas would be good.”
I bobbed my head appreciatively. “How did you know I loved Mexican food so much?”
“Lucky guess….and a good one considering I went ahead and made them earlier today!”
I laughed as Nick took out a casserole dish from the refrigerator. He passed it under my nose for inspection. “Hmm, those smell amazing.”
He beamed as he set the dish aside to preheat the oven. “I figured we’d be pretty starved after we got in, so I thought I’d better plan ahead.”
“I do like a man with a plan,” I joked as I hopped up on one of the empty counters. Swinging my feet back and forth, I watched as Nick began gathering the onions, tomatoes, and chilies for fresh Pico de Gallo. “So where did you learn to cook?” I asked when he started dicing the veggies.
“It’s actually in my blood. My dad’s family owns an Italian restaurant up in Jersey. When he wasn’t on a binge, my dad would do the cooking in the house. He taught me a lot of dishes that had been passed down in my family from when they were back in Sicily. I’m hoping to convince Manny to let me introduce them to the menu.”
I rolled my eyes. “Good luck with
that one.”
The oven timer went off, and he slid the enchiladas inside. “Tell me about it.”
“But hey, if your family was from Sicily, maybe you’ve got some mob connections that could put some heat on Manny.”
Nick laughed. “That would be awesome, wouldn’t it?”
I giggled. “It’d probably make working for him a lot easier. He is such a tool sometimes.”
With a snort, Nick said, “I don’t think he needs the mob. I think he just needs to get laid.” The moment he realized what he said, his ducked his head. He busied himself fixing some chips and salsa for us to snack on.
To change the subject, I asked, “Do you ever hear from any of your dad’s family?”
“Yeah, I actually talked with one of my uncles a few months ago. He’d been looking for me since I left the last foster home.”
“That’s great.”
Nick nodded. “When he heard I wanted to go to culinary school, he asked me to come up to Jersey and run the family restaurant while I’m in school.”
My heart sank. I couldn’t believe the emotions coursing through me. Even though it was way too soon, I couldn’t bear the thoughts of Nick leaving. Finally I found my voice again. “That’s awesome.”
“I haven’t decided if I want to do it or not. It would be cool to have some family support after all these years.”
“I can only imagine.”
He slid the plate with the chips and salsa over to me. “Have you ever thought of looking up your dad?”
Shrugging, I took one of the chips and broke it apart. “Sometimes.”
Nick came over and stood in front of me. “Are you afraid of what you might find out? Like what happened to him?”
“Maybe.” At Nick’s expectant gaze, I sighed. “Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll find him living an amazing life with a new wife and kids. Maybe I’ll find out that he still doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, and that his greatest regret is me being born.”
I hated myself when tears stung my eyes. When they spilled over my cheeks, Nick swept them away. “You won’t ever know until you try,” he whispered.
I bobbed my head. “Yeah, I know.”
