by Katie Ashley
“You might find out he’s been wrestling with contacting you just as much as you have him.”
“That’d be cool.”
Nick smiled. “Hang in there, Jordan. Things are going to work out for you.”
His words made me cry harder. As I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand, I sniffed, “Don’t you get it? I’ve been a horrible person, Nick! I could’ve sent Coach T to jail if everyone believed me!” When another thought flashed in my mind, my emotional pain doubled me over in physical pain. “I killed my baby.”
In an instant, Nick wrapped his arms around me as hard sobs wracked my body. “Hey now, I didn’t mean to upset you. Don’t cry,” he crooned in my ear.
Through hiccupping breaths, I said, “I don’t deserve good things to happen to me. I deserve to pay over and over for what I’ve done!”
He rubbed wide circles over my back. “No, you don’t. It’s called forgiveness, and you’ve got to try to forgive yourself.” Pulling away, he cupped my face in his hands. “You’ve done some shitty things in your past. But it’s the past. Don’t look back anymore. Just look forward.”
I stared into his deep blue eyes. “Do you really believe that?”
“There wouldn’t be a reason for me to live anymore if I didn’t focus on the future.”
Gripping the sides of his shirt, I said, “Then thank goodness for that because I can’t imagine a world without you in it.”
At that moment, an acrid smell assaulted my nostrils. “Shit, the rice!” Nick cried, spinning away from me.
“I’m sorry.”
He chuckled. “What are you apologizing for?”
I swiped the tears off my cheek with the back of my hand. “It’s my fault you weren’t watching the rice.”
Nick shook his head at me. “Would you stop with the ‘everything is Jordan’s fault’?” He picked up the pot and dumped out the burnt contents. “See,” he said, waving the box at me as he started on a new batch. “It’s all good, so don’t beat yourself up.”
“I’ll try,” I murmured.
After my emotional melt-down, we didn’t talk for a few minutes. Instead, we just listened to the radio Nick had turned on. While I started munching on the chips and salsa, Nick finally broke the silence. “So how did you like church?”
I swallowed hard. “Oh, um, it was…interesting.”
Nick paused in stirring the rice and cocked his eyebrow at me. “You know you can tell me the truth, Jordan.”
“I am,” I insisted.
He bit his lip and then started spooning the rice into a bowl. He glanced up and smiled at my expression. “I’m sorry I’m being so pushy about it. It’s just with my recovery and AA, my faith is the most important thing in my life.”
I sighed. “I did like it, Nick. Everyone was so nice and accepting—I haven’t had that in a long time.”
“But?”
“It’s all a little overwhelming. I mean, so much has happened to me in the last few weeks that it’s going to take me a little time to process. I’ve never had faith before—if anything I had the opposite of it. I’m used to ‘if you want it, you get it’ kinda motto.” I shook my head. “And faith isn’t that. It’s about believing in something not even tangible.”
He took my words in and then nodded. “I understand.”
I hesitated for a moment before saying, “But I’m willing to try.”
His mouth gaped open. “You are?”
“Yeah, I am.” I hopped down and took the plates off the counter. As I set them on the table, I said, “But you’re going to have to cut me some slack sometimes, okay?”
He nodded.
I smiled. “More than anything, I have faith in you.”
“Why?”
“Because of this.” I reached out and touched his heart. “You’ve got the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.”
Nick leaned forward, his breath hovering on my cheek. His lips almost brushed against mine, but he jerked away. Not wanting to miss the moment, I leaned forward. Electricity charged through me at the feeling of his lips on mine. I fisted his shirt in my hands and jerked him against me. My tongue slid against his lips before thrusting into his mouth. I was so lost in the overwhelming sensations coursing through my body that I didn’t realize Nick wasn’t kissing me back.
Instead, his hands came to my waist, and he shoved me away. I bumped back into the counter. Dazed, I stared up at him. Oh God, I’d thrown myself at him, and he didn’t want me. Everything had just been about friendship, and I had totally missed the mark.
“Jordan…” he started.
I shook my head furiously. “No, you don’t have to say it. I get it. I’m a dirty, nasty whore who ruins men’s lives when she doesn’t get what she wants. How could you possibly want to be with someone like that!” Turning, I fled from the kitchen and raced for the door. I started to fling it open, but there were so many deadbolts I didn’t know how to open it.
Nick’s hand covered mine. “Stop. I don’t want you to go.”
Humiliation pricked against my skin like tiny knives. “Please just open the door.”
“No, not until you hear me out.” Taking my shoulders in his hands, he slowly turned me around. “You just totally misread what happened in the kitchen.”
“Yeah right.”
“Trust me when I say there isn’t one fiber of my being that doesn’t want to sleep with you.”
I sucked in a breath. The dark, hungry look in his eyes assured me of everything I didn’t want to believe in his words. “But no matter how much I want you, I can’t.”
“Why?” I murmured.
“Do you really want to risk what we have emotionally by becoming physical with each other?”
A contemptuous snort escaped my lips. “I don’t know anything but having sex, Nick! I don’t know what it’s like to just date someone. I haven’t had that since middle school. Dinner and a movie? All I know is dinner and sex, and if I actually got dinner, I was lucky.”
“Then it’s time you learned something new.” When I started to protest, he shook his head. “You’re worth wining and dining, Jordan. Don’t sell yourself short.”
I threw my hands up in exasperation. “But all of this,” I motioned to my heart and then my brain, “I don’t know what to do about what I feel for you there.”
“So you do care for me?”
“Even though I’m confused as hell about everything that’s gone on in the last month, deep down I know that I’m falling for you.”
A hesitant smile formed at the corners of his lips. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear that.”
“Yeah, you really seemed like it in the kitchen,” I grumbled.
“This isn’t about rejecting you. It’s about something much bigger.” He drew in a ragged breath. “Because of what I’ve been through as well as well as the fact I’m in the Twelve Step Program, I’m not supposed to get involved in a relationship with anyone. You know, until I get my shit all straightened out.” He cupped my face in his hands. “I want you so, so much, but baby, I want my sobriety most of all.”
“That’s okay. I understand.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You do?”
Surprisingly, I did understand. I mean, I’d supposedly sworn off men to get my shit together—to find out who I was without them. Of course, I’d fallen off the wagon fairly easy and quickly to have feelings for Nick, but he wasn’t my usual conquest. Maybe I could actually be friends with a guy…maybe even date without having sex.
I nodded. “I’ve never had a friendship with a guy before. I really like what we have right now.” Glancing down at the worn wooden floor, I said, “It’s the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time—maybe ever.”
Nick leaned over and cupped my chin. He pulled my head up to meet his gaze. “Really?”
I nodded.
“I feel the same way,” he said.
“So like you said, I don’t want to do anything that would complicate what w
e have. And sex would totally complicate it, right?”
“Sex is always complicated,” he laughed.
“Well, not if you do it right,” I replied, with a grin.
“Ah, true, very true.” His smile never faded as he shook his head from side to side. “Damn. We really have the worst timing in the world, don’t we?”
“Epically bad.”
“I really want to be with you, Jordan.”
“I want to be with you,” I said. “So how do we do this? Be together but not really be together.”
Nick appeared thoughtful. “I don’t know. This is all unchartered territory for me.”
“Trust me, it is for me, too.”
“How about this: We’re together as friends, but not officially together as a couple. But we’re officially together to where we don’t see or sleep with other people—I guess that’s more for you since I can’t do either one of those for AA.” Nick cocked his head and laughed. “I don’t even know if that makes sense or not.”
I giggled. “It sorta does, and it sounds good to me.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Motioning towards the table, he said, “Now let’s eat.”
After two more days, Dr. Leighton discharged me from the hospital. Despite everything that had happened, I was ready to leave. I wanted the little things like sleeping in my own bed or watching movies on the couch. But more than anything, I wanted to move on and truly pick up the pieces of my shattered life.
Even though I was returning home, I wasn’t going back to school—at least not for now. Dr. Leighton didn’t think it was in my best interest. She requested I have a homebound teacher at least for the month of March. Her goal was to have me return to school after Spring Break.
On my first full afternoon home, I was trying to catch up on all the school work that I had missed. I was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. After struggling to uncover myself from three textbooks and my laptop, I headed to the door. I threw it open, fully expecting it to be Will. But it wasn’t.
It was Lauren.
I almost didn’t recognize her since she was engulfed by an overflowing basket of wildflowers. Bobbing ‘Get Well Soon’ and ‘I Miss You’ balloons floated around her face. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi.”
We stood in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds. Finally, I remembered my manners. “Would you like to come inside?”
“Sure.” Peeking her head around the balloons, she stepped past me into the foyer. She hesitated, trying to anticipate where I might go. So, I led her into the den. Without an invitation for her, I plopped down on the couch.
“Um, where can I put these?” she asked.
“Oh, on the table is fine.”
Lauren nodded and put them down. Then she sat down across from me on the love seat. The same eerie silence filled the room. Then she cleared her throat. “I, um, I’m sorry I haven’t been by.”
I responded by arching my eyebrows at her.
She flushed. “I meant to come by earlier.”
“But you didn’t.”
She wrung her hands together like she always did when she was nervous. It used to drive Coach T crazy during games. Whenever we were down, Lauren would run down the court wringing her hands. He would yell, “How you gonna catch a pass with your hands like that?”
When I didn’t say anything else, Lauren stood up. “Well, I guess I better go.”
“Why?” I asked softly.
She stared at me in surprise. “Because you obviously don’t want me here.”
I shook my head. “That’s not true. I do want you here.” I drew in a deep breath. “I also wanted you at the hospital…but you never came.”
Lauren slowly eased back down, her hands folding and unfolding over each other. “I’m sorry, Melanie. It was wrong of me not to come see you.”
“Breanna and Kara came. Even half of the cheerleading squad came to rah-rah at my bedside. But not you…not my best friend.”
She stared up at me with tears in her eyes. “Jesus, Mel, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know why I couldn’t come.”
“You were afraid.”
“What?” she asked.
I nodded. “You were afraid to look at me after you knew the truth.”
“No, that’s not true!” she protested, her hands rolling faster and faster.
Deciding to put her out of her misery, I crossed the room to sit by her side. “It’s okay that you were afraid, Lauren. I would’ve been too.” In a voice almost too low for her to hear, I said, “I’m still so damn afraid.”
She shook her head miserably, letting the tears flow. “No, you wouldn’t have. You would have been right there holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be all right. But not me.”
“So I was right in what I said? That you didn’t want to see me.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“I guess I understand. I mean, every time you look at me, you’re going to think about him and what he did.”
“But why? Why do I have to think that?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Why do I think it every time I look in the mirror, or every time Will touches me?”
Lauren’s voice became strangled. “Why did it happen to you, Mel? Out of all of us, why you?”
That was the million dollar question I was desperate for an answer for. It was one that drove my need to seek help at Dr. Leighton’s office twice a week. But I was still clueless…except for blaming myself. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“But it’s not fair! There you were saving yourself and waiting until you were in love, and that bastard took it all away from you!” She shot off the couch and started pacing the room. “I want to kill him, Mel! I want to kill him for what he did to you, and to Will, and to the team.”
“I know. I feel that way too. I just hope he’s going to be punished.”
“Going to jail will never be enough. He deserves to fry.”
I gave a mirthless laugh. “Don’t you think it’s kinda funny that I’m sitting here all calm while you’re going ballistic?”
Lauren snorted. “Actually, I’m starting to think they must’ve given you a doggy bag of drugs at the hospital!”
My laughter slowly faded, and Lauren widened her eyes in horror. “Oh, Mel, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have joked about that. Of course, you’re on medicine. Who the hell wouldn’t be in your condition!”
I sighed in exasperation. “I’m not in a ‘condition’, Lauren. Stop acting like I’m freakin’ fragile, and I’m going to fall apart any minute.”
She held up her hands. “Okay, I’m sorry.”
“And yes, I’m on anti-depressants. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I need them right now to try to keep unraveling.”
“I’m glad they’re helping,” Lauren said.
We sat in an awkward silence for a minute or so before Lauren drew in a ragged breath. “I really am sorry, Mel. This is new territory for me. I’ve read about…rape, and I’ve seen it in movies and on TV. But when it came down to it, I didn’t know how to handle the fact if it happened to you. I was such an asshat for not coming to the hospital. Most of all, I’m sorry that I keep saying all the wrong things and being stupid. Regardless of everything, you’re my best friend, and I love you.”
I smiled. “You’re not an asshat. And I understand. This is all new to me, too.” When Lauren began wringing her hands again, I asked, “What it is?”
“Why did you lie?”
My brows knitted together in confusion. “What?”
Lauren stared down at her hands. “I mean, why did you lie about what happened? With Jordan’s claim, it seemed like it would have been so much easier for you to just admit what happened.” She raised her head to meet my gaze. “Was it for Will?”
“I thought so at first. Now I think it was more to save me from all the pain and embarrassment. I’m still trying to figure all that out.”
“So, they have you going to therapy?”
“Yep.
Twice a week—sometimes Mom and Dad come too.”
Lauren let out a low whistle. “Wow, that’s intense.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her expression. “Yeah, it’s pretty intense. But I like my therapist. She’s young and hip. And she’s been through something similar.”
“Um, that’s cool.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I could tell there was something else she wanted to ask. “What is it?”
She played with the edge of her skirt before she replied. “What about you and Will? I mean, are you guys okay?”
“We’re fine,” I answered a little too quickly.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. He came to visit me in the hospital. We had a long talk about everything, and we’re good.” I decided it wasn’t my place to tell Lauren about Will’s vow to attend therapy or the fact that he and I were going to see Dr. Leighton together. It seemed a little premature to be in couple’s therapy when we weren’t even married, but I guess in some ways we were. I knew there would never be anyone else for me, and I was pretty sure Will felt the same way.
Before I could say anything else, Lauren reached over and hugged me. She held on to me for several long seconds.
“Hey now,” I began, “what’s up with all the mushy stuff? You hate hugging and PDA.”
“True, very true,” she replied, as she pulled away.
I cocked my eyebrow at hers and smiled. “Well, PDA with girls you hate…but JT, now that’s another story!”
Lauren laughed. “Yep, once again, you know me too well.”
“We’ve been best friends for too long, I guess.”
“Yeah, we have.” Her phone vibrated in her pocket. One glance and she smiled. “Speak of the devil,” she murmured.
“You’re being summoned, right?”
She nodded. “Listen Melanie, the team and I were all talking, and we sure hope you’ll come to the banquet in two weeks.”
A pain jabbed my heart at the mention of the annual end of season banquet. I’d completely forgotten about it. It was one thing to miss Senior Night, but I’d never missed a banquet in my life. Usually, I came home with my arms laden with trophies and plaques.
But this year would be different. There would be no Coach T keeping the parents in stitches with his remarks about the season. He wouldn’t beam with pride as he called my name out to once again give me the MVP award. If I won this year, I would go down in the Newton Hall of Fame for being the only four time MVP winner in Girls Basketball. The bitter side of me choked back the thought that maybe he’d rigged it all these years. Maybe I wasn’t the Most Valuable Player—instead I was the Most Valuable Piece of Ass.
