by Katie Ashley
Besides those thoughts, it would also be the first time I was put on display in front of everyone for something besides my ability. I wouldn’t be the MVP—I’d be the girl Coach T raped. When I walked across the stage to the podium, every eye would be on me while every mind would be dreaming up their own ideas of how it had all gone down. Just the thought of it made me nauseous.
I shook my head and fought my gag reflex. “I don’t know, Lauren. I’ll have to check with Dr. Leighton.”
“Okay, I understand. I just know we’d all like to see you there.”
“Then maybe I’ll be there.”
Lauren smiled. “Sounds good.”
I walked her to the door. “Thanks for the balloons and flowers. But most of all, thanks for coming by.”
Without a word, Lauren put her arms around me. We stood like that—arms tightly around each other—for several seconds. “I love you, Mel.”
“I love you, too.”
I stood at the door and watched her bound down the stairs. She gave a final wave before pulling out of the driveway.
As I breezed through the glass doors of the Newton County Sheriff’s Department, I felt freer than I had in weeks. I tried not to let the voice in my mind mock me at how cliché that sounded. Just for the moment, I wanted to believe everything was going to be okay. Even in my happiness, I was filled with regret—regret that I hadn’t come forward sooner, regret I had lied to my parents and to Will, and regret that I had blamed myself for someone else’s actions.
Mom and Dad followed me outside into the intense February sunshine. I brought my hand to my face to shield my eyes. The heat radiated off my cheeks and body, making me feel rejuvenated.
We stood on the street corner, unsure of our next move. Dad jingled his change in his pockets. I fought the urge to smile. I was the one who just unloaded all my baggage, and Dad was the nervous one.
But there wasn’t a manual for parents on how to proceed once your daughter admits to being raped and lying to the authorities. I guess they were doing the best they knew how. Fortunately for all of us, Detectives McKay and Pendley were understanding and sympathetic when I came forward with my confession. The hardest part was signing the deposition with everything that happened in gory detail. But somehow I got the strength to do it.
Dad brought me out of my thoughts. “So…”
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Wanna go get a bite to eat or something?”
I smiled. “Actually, there’s something I really need to take care of.”
Mom pushed my hair off my shoulder. “Are you sure it can’t wait? Daddy and I will treat you to your favorite meal.”
“No, that’s okay.”
She leaned in and hugged me. “I’m very proud of you, sweetie. It took a lot of courage to do what you just did.”
I felt the sobs rising in my throat. No, no, no. There’d be no tears today. There’d been enough tears in the last few weeks to fill an ocean.
“Thanks, Mom.” I hesitated to let go. It felt so good to be in her arms, to be accepted after all that had happened, that I didn’t want the moment to end. But finally I pulled away. “I won’t be too long, I promise.”
“Okay. Just be careful and call us if you’re going to be late.”
I nodded. Dad paused before leaning in and kissing my cheek. He and Mom walked off together towards their car. I stood enjoying the sunshine for just a little while longer before I left.
After I cranked up, I turned up the radio. I sang along to old 90’s tunes like I’m Too Sexy, feeling young, crazy, and goofy. It felt nice. Small bits of the Old Melanie were starting to creep back in. Dr. Leighton told me this would happen—at times when I least expected it even after really tough days.
The parking lot was fairly empty when I pulled into Fiorenza’s. Jordan’s black BMW convertible sat in the far corner of the lot, so I knew she was working. Detectives McKay and Pendley had thrown me for a loop when they told me that Jordan had come forward and admitted to lying. In a way, I had hoped she would cling to her lie to help me. I didn’t to be the only victim. But then I was also really proud to hear that she had made things right.
As I made my way to the restaurant, my heart pounded in my ears. With a shaky hand, I reaced for the doorknob. Part of me wanted to sprint back to my car, peal out of the parking lot, and never look back. But somehow I summoned my courage and walked through the doors.
The moment I stepped inside, the strong aroma of tomato sauce entered my nostrils. I stood in the foyer, craning my neck to find Jordan. Finally, I spotted her bringing two plates of lasagna to a table.
“How many?” the hostess asked.
“Um, I just need to talk to Jordan.”
“Oh, well, she can’t really talk right now. How about I put you in her station?”
I nodded, fighting what felt like a wad of sawdust in the back of my mouth.
The hostess led me over to an empty booth and handed me a menu. Jordan hadn’t seen me yet. She came over with her pad and set a glass of water down in front of me. “Hi there, what can I—” At the sight of me in the booth, her lips smacked shut. Her head shook wildly, causing her dark ponytail to swish back and forth. A look of panic—one I never thought I would see from her—flashed on her face. “What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Um, I can’t. I’m working.”
When she started to spin away from the table, I grabbed her arm. “Please, just give me five minutes.”
Jordan bit her lip and glanced over at a guy behind the bar. “Manny, I’m taking my break.”
“That would be fabulous, but it’s not time yet.”
“I don’t care!” she snapped. She gave me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, he’s such a dick.”
Manny mumbled something under his breath as Jordan flopped down, causing the booth seat to make a wheezing noise. She crossed her arms and stared expectantly at me across the table. “So what is it?”
Now that I had her attention, I didn’t know if I could get anything out that I wanted to say. As she tapped her white tipped nails on the table—nails I dreamed of having but had to sacrifice for basketball—I cleared my throat. “I just came from the Sheriff’s Department. I finally confessed to what happened with Coach T.”
Her dark eyebrows shot up. “You did?”
I nodded.
“Wow,” she murmured.
“I should have done it to start with but…”
Jordan gave me a sympathetic smile--one that I’d never really seen from her before. “I know things have been really bad for you.”
“Guess that means you heard about the breakdown?”
She nodded.
Playing with the placement, I murmured, “Yeah, it was pretty rough.”
Jordan’s face continued to soften. “I’m really, really sorry, Melanie.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What do you have to be sorry about? You may have lied about being raped by Coach T out of anger, but you were spot on when it came to what happened to me.”
“Even though I thought it, I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. I didn’t want to believe it for you or for me.” She drummed her nails faster on the table. “But you see, I’ve been struggling with this guilt lately. If I hadn’t been a vindictive bitch and claimed you were raped too, things would be so different for you. Like that I’m some way responsible for your breakdown.”
Pushing the menu aside, I shook my head at her. “No, it couldn’t have. Even though I thought I could, I would have never been able to keep it a secret. It just wasn’t possible. I mean, I had only made it a week when I broke down.”
“But you were doing so well. I mean, you had all the investigators fooled. Everyone believed you,” Jordan protested.
“Everyone but me.” That night with Will flashed in my mind, a nightmare I would never fully wake up from. I closed my eyes. “No, it was right that I had a breakdown. And it was right I went to the detectives and told th
em the truth.”
Jordan shook her head. “I can’t believe you really did that.” At my expression of surprise, she said, “I mean, with Will and your reputation…you had so much to lose.”
“Trust me. I know.” I drew in a ragged breath. “But I had to. I had to tell the truth, or I would never fully heal.” I smiled at her incredulous expression. “Sorry, I go to therapy a couple of times a week, and I guess it’s made me sound like a complete tool.”
She laughed. “Nah, you don’t sound like a tool. I’ve been going myself.”
“Really?”
“Don’t you think I need it?”
I opened my mouth to say something when her boss came over. “Really Jordan, you need to get back to work. I’m not paying you to sit around and talk.”
I leaned over and grabbed up my purse. I snatched a twenty out of my wallet and thrust it into his face. “I think I can buy a little more of her time. All right?”
He eyed the money before looking back at me. “Whatever you say.” He took it from me and then shuffled away.
Jordan snickered. “Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look on his face before.” She shook her head. “I misjudged you.”
“Is that right?”
“Yeah, I thought you were this mousy Golden Goddess who never did or said anything wrong.” She grinned at me. “You’ve got balls, chick!”
I laughed. “Um, I don’t know about that.”
“Oh, I think so. I mean, you went to the detectives and told the truth. That took guts. Knowing what it might mean to you, your basketball career, and….to Will.”
“He was the only thing on my mind…the only reason I wouldn’t tell the truth at first.”
“Jesus, I bet your therapist had a field day with that one.” At my surprised look, she laughed. “It sounds like the kind of thing my mom spent hours and thousands of dollars trying to fix. Her dependency on men, which unfortunately seems to be in my DNA.”
“I know. It just wasn’t the right thing to do, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.”
“I understand. I mean, look what I did out of love.”
I stared into her dark eyes. “So you did love Coach T?”
She sighed. “Yeah, sure I did. I mean, it was some kind of sick and twisted love since I ruined the man’s life, right?”
“Jordan…” I began, but I stopped when she stared up at me with tears pooling in her eyes.
“Wanna know how fucked up I am? There’s a part of me—a very small part—that still cares about him.” She wiped away the tears and shook her head. “I gave my heart to a married man who just wanted me for sex. But even after everything, after being tossed aside, called a slut and a liar, after having my car keyed, and even having threats on my life…I still care about the bastard.”
I reached across the table. Tentatively, I put my hand over hers. “You’re not fucked up.”
A painful cry escaped her lips. “Yes, I am.
“Then I am too. Because I still care about him—as a coach.”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “But how after everything he did to you?” She lowered her voice. “I mean, you were a virgin, weren’t you?”
My throat closed up, and I fought to breathe. I gripped the edge of the booth as the night I promised Will to go all the way on the February break flashed before my mind. Regret radiated through my chest as the acid voice of doubt mocked me, “If you hadn’t been such an idiot, Will would have been your first. Not his dad!”
Jordan scooted out of the booth to slide in beside me. She grabbed my hand in hers. “Oh Melanie, I’m sorry. I should have never asked that.”
For reasons unknown to myself, her presence beside me was calming. Disbelief flooded me when she rubbed wide circles over my back, trying to comfort me. Air rushed back into my lungs, and I gasped. In and out, in and out, in and out—the breaths came slow and steady. When I turned to Jordan, tears streamed down her face.
“You didn’t deserve this, Mel. I got what was coming to me. But not you…not you!”
The words Dr. Leighton had made me repeat over and over slipped easily from my lips, although I’m not so sure I believed them. “Neither of us deserved it. He was an adult. He knew better. He should have controlled himself.”
Jordan smiled tentatively as she wiped her cheeks. “Sounds like someone’s been paying attention in therapy.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I should be getting gold stars before too long. Maybe you will too.”
As Jordan opened her mouth to respond, a good-looking waiter strolled up to the table. His expression caused a grin to spread across her face. “Sorry that you had to cover for me,” she said.
“Anytime,” he replied, with a wink.
When he was gone, Jordan said, “Yeah, well, maybe on the gold stars for me.”
“Who is he?” I asked.
Jordan’s face flushed. “Just a friend. I’ve sworn off men.”
I snorted. “You guys don’t look at each other as ‘just friends’.”
The corners of her lips curved into a small smile. “He’s totally not my type.”
“Meaning he’s our age?” I asked, with a grin.
“Hey!” she protested, wading up a napkin and tossing it at me.
I laughed. “So what is he like?”
“He’s like me.” At my confused look, she continued on. “He’s been fucked up, but he’s getting his act together.”
I nodded. “He sounds like a keeper to me.”
Jordan glanced around the restaurant before lowering her voice. “You wanna know the kicker?”
“Sure.”
“We’ve only kissed.”
“Wow, that’s impressive.”
“I’ve finally found someone who is interested in me for me—not for my body.” She smiled. “It’s a good feeling.”
I returned her smile. “I’m sure it is.”
“He’s even got me going to church. He’s going to make me gain ten pounds because he’s always cooking for me. And sometimes he calls me for no reason, just to make sure I’m okay.”
“That sounds like love.” When she shrugged, I grabbed her hand. “It’s okay to have a guy love you, Jordan.”
“I know that,” she snapped.
“So maybe you should let him in your heart,” I said, softly.
She bit down on her lip. “Our pasts make it complicated in more ways than one. Plus, I don’t know. Coach T’s still there…Nick deserves more than what I would have to give him.”
When I started to protest, she questioned, “So what about you and Will?”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed. “You know, after everything that’s happened, are you guys going to be okay?”
“I hope so. We’re just taking it day by day. And he’s going to Tech next year, so he’ll be close to home.”
“That’s good,” Jordan said.
“I think so. I guess time will only tell.” I nudged her with my leg. “Just like with you and Nick.”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay, okay, I get the message.” As I reached to take a sip of water, Jordan asked, “Speaking of time, what happens now with the investigation?”
“Well, the Detectives said it would be up to the district attorney about when we would go to trial.”
“I see.”
Now it was my time to nervously drum my fingers on the table. “The main reason I came here today was to make things right with you. But I always wanted to ask you something.”
Jordan arched her dark eyebrows. “What is it?”
“I want you to testify at my trial.”
She snorted. “I’m the last person on earth you need to testify! I’m a lying whore, remember?”
I shook my head. “No, you’re not. The very fact you had an affair with Coach T shows his pattern of young girls.” Staring down at my lap, I said, “You can also tell about how you found my panties and how I looked that night after practice.”
Jordan didn’t re
spond for a few seconds. “Okay, I’ll do it.”
My head snapped up. “You will?”
“Of course I will.”
I reached over and hugged her. “This really means a lot to me.”
When I pulled away, she said, “Really, it’s not that big of a deal.”
We sat there for a few moments before I asked another question weighing on my mind. “Do you ever think of coming back to Newton?”
Jordan shook her head. “No, I’m done there.”
“But things could be different.”
“Face it, Melanie. It’ll be different for you when you go back, but not for me. They will never accept me—even it was true about you, I’m still the liar. The lying slut who started it all.”
“Stop calling yourself those horrible names!”
She shrugged. “It’s what they would say.”
I sighed. “I just hate the thoughts of you not graduating from the school you went to all these years.”
“Trust me, any rah-rah spirit I had for Newton is gone.” She raked her hands through her ponytail and looked at me. “Besides, I kinda like St. Catherine’s.”
I gasped. “You do?”
Jordan laughed. “And why are you so shocked?”
“Well, I don’t know. I guess, I’m just surprised that you enjoy being at an all girls school.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes you end up liking things you never could imagine.”
I smiled. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I’m getting my act together…you know, going to class, making pretty good grades, staying out of trouble.” She grinned. “Nick talks about me getting a degree in business or management. He wants to own his own restaurant someday, and he wants me to manage it.”
“Jordan, I know it probably sounds stupid, but I’m really proud of you.”
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Seriously?”
