Convict Blood

by Ward, Vivian

  It was so embarrassing to stand there like a gaping fool as he treated me like one of the other convicts and told me that he was giving his final warning. I was, and am, humiliated by that but I don’t understand why.

  Why would he treat me like that? Why did he speak to me in that condescending tone? What would make him act that way? This is what I mean by how he sends me mixed signals. One minute, I’m in his room snuggled up with him and the next, I’m being cast aside like unwanted rubbish.

  Maybe I should’ve told him that I love him when I had the chance. Perhaps this is all my fault for keeping my mouth shut, but I didn’t think it was the right time and now it might be too late.

  The longer I sit and stew about all of this, the more I want to ask him what the hell his problem is. I want, no I need answers. I deserve them and he owes them to me. It won’t do any good to sit down here feeling sorry for myself because that’ll get me nowhere.

  “Charlotte,” I approach her. “I know you’re busy working on Robert’s scarf, but could you keep an eye on Lizzy for me? I’m going to sneak back up on deck to talk to Matthew.”

  Her eyes grow wide. “Are you crazy? If you get caught, you’ll get into serious trouble, and you just saw him. Can’t it wait?”

  Even Charlotte doesn’t know about the pregnancy because I’ve not told anyone. “It’s really important,” I say. She rolls her eyes as a huff escapes her lips.

  “I guess but it’s not worth it. Why don’t you wait until we go up on laundry detail?”

  Taking a seat beside her, I whisper, “I’m pregnant.”

  “What?” She gasps.

  I nod. “My stomach’s been swollen and I was vomiting but I thought it was because I was sick and not eating until I felt the baby moving.”

  “Oh, Victoria,” she whispers. “How do you feel? Are you okay?”

  I shrug. What can I tell her? “Physically, I feel fine.”

  “What are you going to do?” She asks.

  “I don’t know but I’ve got to talk to him.”

  Fully understanding what’s at risk, she eagerly agrees to watch Lizzy but warns me to be careful. I promise her that I will and slip back up on deck completely unnoticed.

  Sneaking about the ship, I don’t see Matthew anywhere so I decided that it must be his day off. I quietly knock on his door. This time, I don’t give him the option to push me away as I barge into his room.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” He asks, quickly closing the door behind me. “You can’t just come up here!”

  “What did I do wrong?” I immediately ask.

  Baffled, he stares at me. “What are you talking about?”

  “You practically threw me out the last time I was here and wouldn’t even invite me inside after I delivered your gift, and then you threatened me. What did I do that was so wrong, Matthew?”

  Refusing to answer, we sit in silence for what seems like an eternity before my hormones get the best of me and I break down right in front of him.

  “Don’t cry, Victoria,” he says, but he won’t come any closer to me. He’s keeping his distance as he stands across the room from me, leaning against his dresser with his arms crossed against his chest.

  “How can I not cry?” I sob. “We went from having a great time and being so close to you being so cold and mean. Why? What did I do wrong?”

  He draws in a long breath before exhaling. “You didn’t do anything, Victoria.”

  “Did something change?” I ask. “Because I don’t understand how you could just give me the cold shoulder all of a sudden. Obviously, I must’ve done something wrong.”

  Biting his lip, he thinks for a moment before he speaks. “No, Victoria. I’ve done everything wrong and this is for your own good.”

  “What? That doesn’t make any sense!”

  He leaves the dresser and sits beside me on the bed. “You know that we can’t be together and I feel like I’ve led you on. I don’t deserve someone like you, Victoria, and you deserve someone better than me.”

  “That doesn’t even make any sense, Matthew,” I gasp. “How can I possibly deserve someone better than a Marine? And how could you not deserve someone like me? Is it because I’m a convict and you should have better?”

  Wrapping his arm around me, he pulls me close to him. “You’re a good girl, Victoria. The only thing you’ve ever done wrong was stealing to feed your family but I’m not like that. I don’t follow the rules and I certainly don’t fall in love. You need to push aside whatever feelings you think you’ve developed for me and save them for someone else.”

  I can’t believe my own ears. This has to be a sick joke, right? How can he say these things? This feels worse than when he sent me away at his doorstep. I can’t hold it back any longer.

  “Matthew, I’m pregnant.” The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them and once they’re said, I make my way for the door because I’m too afraid to hear what he’ll say about it. Feeling fragile and vulnerable, I just can’t handle it anymore.

  Instead of waiting for him to call me back or come after me like I’d hoped he would the day he sent me away, I run. I run as fast as I can back down to the safety of the prison hulks with the other convicts.

  I’ve got to make things right with Victoria. After the way I spoke to and treated her, I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me. Knowing that she’s carrying my child changes everything.

  Instead of being a coward, I should’ve just told her that I love her but I couldn’t. It scares the shit out of me and I don’t know what to think of it. If it came to ripping the beating heart out of my chest to sacrifice it for her, I’d do it in a second.

  That’s the truth.

  Even when I was married, I didn’t have the same feelings for my wife as I do for Victoria and that’s what’s even scarier. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the one for me but I fear that I’m not the one for her. I’ve always been in control but when it comes to her, everything seems to spiral away from me.

  Forbidden relationship? Check.

  Breaking my oath as a Marine? Check.

  Violating almost every law known to man when it comes to convicts? Check.

  Stealing? Check.

  Murder? Check.

  I would do anything for her which is something that I would never have done for anyone in the past. The only thing I can—and should—do at this point is to tell her how I really feel and that I’m in love with her.

  Hopefully, it’s not too late.

  At daybreak, the weather has warmed a bit and the Captain decides to let some of the convicts come up on deck to do some much-needed chores. All of the men are called up first, and then the women.

  It doesn’t take long to spot Charlotte and Victoria on laundry detail. The two of them look like they’re in deep conversation which makes me wonder if she’s told her about the little one. My suspicion is confirmed when I see Charlotte reach out and rub Victoria’s belly as she gives her a warm smile.

  I have so many questions for her but first, I have to make things right with her. Waiting for the perfect opportunity, I approach the women and say hello.

  “Officer Kent,” Charlotte nods. Victoria ignores me, and I can’t say that I blame her.

  “Can I have a word?” I ask Charlotte, nodding toward Victoria.

  She looks over at her, seeking permission to leave and when Victoria nods, she excuses herself to go hang some of the laundry out on the line. Now that we’re alone, I’m not sure where to start so I take my time.

  “Victoria, I didn’t mean to be so harsh,” I begin.

  “Save it,” she holds up her hand.

  I obviously hurt her which causes a stabbing pain in my chest, right across my heart. How could I have said those things and treated her that way? It’s definitely had an effect on her.

  “No, listen,” I command her attention. “I know that I’m unlovable and I’m trying to save you.”

  Damn it! Even while I’m trying to make up with her,
I still can’t say the right words. Why is it so hard to just tell her that I love her?

  “Save me?” She huffs with a hint of sarcasm swimming on her lips. “Do you know what your problem is, Matthew?”

  Instead of listing all of the things that are wrong with me, I wait for her to tell me because everything I say or do always gets fucked up somehow.

  “Your problem is that you let that woman get into your head! You’re not unlovable and you deserve someone good. I’m just sorry that you don’t think I’m good enough for you,” she hisses through her teeth. “I’ve tried to be good to you. I have! But you make it bloody impossible.”

  She’s not wrong, I do make things impossible but not on purpose.

  “What do you mean I let her get into my head? Who?”

  “Your ex,” she says. “That woman ran you through the wringer. Made you a laughing stock of the town, trashed your feelings, and damaged you. The difference between her and me is that I see you for who you are. I can see past all of the hurt and pain. You’re not unlovable; you’re just holding onto the past which is preventing you from moving forward and seeing what’s right here in front of you.”

  What she’s saying makes complete sense. I have let my ex get into my head, and she did do all of those things to me. And I allowed it. Maybe I do deserve someone like Victoria.

  “But what about all the bad things I’ve done? There’s no excuse for breaking the law, breaching my oath, and murdering someone,” I whisper.

  “Tsk,” she says. “We’ve all broken the law in some way—whether it be small or big—nobody is perfect. As far as your oath, what did you do? Fall in love with a convict? Let me ask you, did doing that ever put your fellow officers at risk?”

  She doesn’t let me finish as she goes on in rapid succession like she memorized every word I said. I guess maybe she does pay attention.

  “And you had to do what you did when it came to Digby,” she whispers. “He was a complete animal, out of control. He beat the hell out of Charlotte that time, but what would he have done the next time? And what if he’d done it to me? In my condition.”

  The thought of him—or anyone—touching her, especially while pregnant infuriates me. It makes me want to go kill him all over again. If it had happened to her while carrying my baby, I would’ve murdered him wherever he stood.

  “You’re right. I can’t argue with any of that,” I say. “If that would’ve happened to you, I might not have been able to control myself and kill him in privacy because I’d have done it in front of everyone. Captain and all.”

  A moment of silence passes between us as the soft breeze floats through her hair.

  “So where do we go from here?” She asks softly.

  “I’m not sure.”

  She looks deep into my eyes, like she’s staring into my soul. “I love you, Matthew.”

  My heart stops beating for a split second and I can feel a surge of adrenaline rush through my body. Hearing her confess her love for me is something that I never thought I’d hear. “I love you, too.”

  I know she wants to hug me but one of the other officers walks past us. We wait for him to leave before returning to our conversation.

  “When we reach Botany Bay, I’ll see about staying. It’s my number one mission,” I promise her. “Once we’re there, I can still protect you and take care of you, Lizzy, and the baby.”

  “Will we live together?” She asks.

  It’s a question that I can’t answer because I don’t know what things will be like once we get there. “We’ll work something out.” Disappointment spreads across her face as her shoulders slump forward. “I’ll find a way,” I assure her.

  Another officer walks past us, tipping his hat in my direction.

  “You’d better get going. We’ll talk soon,” she says.

  I start to walk away but I have one more question for her that crosses my mind. “Victoria? How did you know you were pregnant?”

  Smiling at me, she answers, “I felt the baby kick.”

  My heart swells with pride and joy at the fact that she can feel the baby moving. My baby moving. “I love you,” I say to her one last time before walking away.

  As I stand guard at my post, I think about how I can make things possible with living together and becoming a family. While there will only be a few officers on the island, I don’t know what that means. Are all of the normal laws still in effect? Some of them came with their civilian wives, but how many will take an inmate in wedlock when it’s all said and done? The men greatly outnumber the women so it’s possible that it may become more common among the island.

  And should I ask her to marry me? If so, when? Do I do it now before she has the baby so it’s not a bastard? Or should I wait until we can live together as husband and wife?

  So many things are changing so quickly that it’s making my head spin. But one thing is for sure, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Knowing that she loves me and telling her how I feel has finally lifted a weight off my chest. The only way to go from here is up and that’s a good feeling.

  I never thought Matthew would say those words and all I can think about is our future and what it will look like. I’m so scared that he won’t be able to stay once we reach the island. And if he can’t, will he come back? Or will he go back to civilization and start all over without me?

  It has been over two weeks since we spoke and I hate it. Two weeks might as well be two decades. I wish that we could talk every day. Not only would it help with planning our future but I could also tell him more about my pregnancy and let him feel the baby kicking since it’s become much more active.

  My biggest fear is that he told me he loved me because I’m carrying his child. Would he have told me otherwise? That’s the problem when you fall in love and become pregnant so quickly but if I had to do things all over again, I wouldn’t have done them any differently. I think he was put on my path for a reason. And that reason is that God didn’t want me to be a widow. No woman should have to raise a child alone. Sure, I’ve had the help of Charlotte, but a child needs a mother and a father.

  “You’d better find a safe place tonight,” Charlotte says to me as we start to get settled in for the evening. “We’re supposed to have some bloody wicked storms that will rock this boat like never before.”

  “How do you know?” I ask her. When I was on deck earlier, the sky looked just fine to me so it’s hard to imagine that we’re in for a severe storm.

  “Robert told me,” she says. “If I were you, I’d take Lizzy and hold tight in that corner over there so you don’t get knocked around too much. In your condition, you have to be very careful. You know?”

  I laugh. Charlotte’s always looking out for me but I don’t think we have anything to worry about. “I’ll be fine.”

  “No, Victoria, this is supposed to be a big one! Please, will you just listen to me for once?”

  To appease her, I take refuge for the night in the crammed corner that she so desperately wants me to sleep in and tuck Lizzy in my arms. “There. Better?” I tease.

  Rolling her eyes, she says, “Don’t mock me. I just want you to be safe. Robert said this might be the worst storm we’ve seen since we left.”

  I can’t help but wonder if she’s right, why wouldn’t they tell all of us so we can properly prepare. Maybe it is something big, or maybe it’s nothing at all. Still, it’s better to be safe than sorry and since I’ve got two little ones to watch out for, so I heed her advice.

  “Thank you,” I say. “Where are you going to sleep?”

  “Right next to you,” she says. “Someone has to look out for you.”

  As everyone else settles in, I notice that none of the others seem to have a care in the world. I start to wonder if Robert might’ve misinformed her. The skies have been relatively calm all day and I’ve not heard any other chatter about it. It seems as though Charlotte is the only one who has knowledge of the storm. Surely, Matthew would’ve told me if it were something to wo
rry about but he never mentioned it.

  Once the other convicts are asleep, I whisper Charlotte’s name to see if she might still be awake.

  “What?” She whispers back, a bit cranky.

  “When did Robert tell you about the storm?”

  No sooner than I ask her that question, the boat rocks hard to the left. My eyes widen, realizing that she might be right.

  “Did you feel that?” She asks. “It was after supper when I carried the cauldron back upstairs.”

  “Yeah, I felt it,” I answer.

  A few moments later, I hear the loud, whistling wind pass over the wood deck above our heads and the boat rocks harder this time. My heartbeat kicks up as I think about how bad sea storms can often get. Clutching Lizzy in my arms, I kiss her forehead and place my hand on my belly. I can’t let anything happen to my babies.

  I think about Matthew and wonder if he’s safe. With a couple of the officers sick, they’ve had to rotate shifts and I’m not sure whether he’s in his room or out on duty. I’ve been trying not to go up as much since my belly is growing by the day and I’m trying to hide it.

  The last thing either of us needs is questions as to how I got pregnant. I’ve been thinking of what I could say if I were asked and the best answer that I’ve come up with is nothing. Keep my mouth shut. If I’m pressed, I’ll say it’s another convict’s since we do have some freedom when we’re out working.

  I wouldn’t do anything to betray Matthew or get him in trouble. I’d hate to see what would happen to him if his superiors found out, and there’s no chance on bloody Earth that they’d let him stay once we reach the island if they knew. So it’s best to hide it as long as I can and lie if I need to.

  Another hard shift in the boat hits us, sending all of us tumbling off out of our makeshift beds. Now everyone is up, talking about the weather.

  “This is going to be bad,” one woman says.

  There’s more chatter as everyone gets into an uproar and the men start hollering through the wall. “You ladies okay over there?”