Convict Blood

by Ward, Vivian

  And then I remember my pregnant belly.

  Ashamed, I try to hide behind Charlotte and a few of the other women in our group. I can’t let him see me like this, not while carrying another man’s baby. What will he think? What will I say? All feelings of happiness, joy, and excitement leave as fast as they came and now I’m nervous and scared.

  “What are you doing? Go on and see him!” Charlotte says.

  Shaking my head, I say, “I can’t. My belly.”

  Her eyes grow wide as she realizes what I mean: that my husband isn’t dead and now I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.

  “You can’t hide from him forever,” she tries to reason with me. “Go on and see him.”

  “No,” I refuse, shaking my head. “I’m going back to the hut.”

  Sneaking away from the crowd, I sulk as I think about what a fool I am. Because of my mistakes, I can’t go talk to him. I can’t hug him or tell him how much I miss or love him. All I can do is take Lizzy back to our home and try to think of a way to explain all of this to him. It’s near impossible to come up with an excuse. There is no reason good enough to justify what I’ve done.

  Poor Lizzy didn’t even recognize her father. Of course, she wouldn’t because she was just an infant when we were separated and there’s no way she’d remember him.

  And I know Charlotte is right about not being able to hide from Henry for forever. We’re stuck on this tiny island and bound to run into each other. Even if I camp out in the hut, birth news of the first convict baby will spread like wildfire once I go into labor. It would be worse for him to find out that way, I decide.

  I must find him and talk to him. It’s the only decent thing to do.

  As hard as it is, I manage to drag myself out to a small stream, mustering all the energy I’ve got to wash my hair and rinse the sweat off my skin. It’s been bloody hot all day and I want my first encounter with Henry to be a good one. As good as it can be, I suppose.

  Sitting Lizzy on the bank to play with some stones, I clean myself before grabbing her to bathe her. She laughs and splashes in the water as I wash her, having no idea that she’s about to be reunited with her father for the first time in months.

  My nerves get the best of me as we trek our way back to the hut and I stop to vomit, hiding so that no one sees me. The last thing I need is to draw attention to myself because everyone knows how high risk this pregnancy has gotten and they’ll be quick to call the doc on my behalf.

  Once inside the hut, I pull out a small cloth bag that contains some of the items that Matthew gave me and fish out my comb. Running it through both of our hair, I do my best to make it look nice but with no mirrors, I have to assume I look halfway decent. Lizzy looks like a perfect doll.

  “Mum,” Lizzy says in her tiny toddler voice, “that hurts!” Her hair is so matted that it’s coming out in chunks as I try to detangle it.

  “I know, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m almost finished.” She frowns up at me. “I’m almost done. We’ve got to look pretty because we’re meeting someone special today.”

  Playing with the stuffed animal that Matthew gave her, she turns her attention back to her toy, huffing in disgust. It’s a bit amusing how oblivious she is to everything while I feel like I’m falling apart on the inside.

  I’m so grateful that Henry is still alive and excited to see him, but I dread our reunion when he sees my pregnant belly. All I can think about is what he’ll say when he sees me.

  Rejection is what I fear the most.

  Satisfied that we look our best, I scoop up Lizzy and begin to search for him. It reminds me of how I looked for him for months with no avail. Now that he’s right here on this island with me, I have no idea what to do with myself. So much has changed in such a short period.

  I finally spot him and it’s no surprise that he’s doing construction, given his background. All he’s done his entire life is fix and build things. They’ve got him digging out a foundation where they intend to set up the supply store and he’s surrounded by men. I can only imagine how our reunion might go and it’s not something that I want to do publicly.

  Chickening out, I grab Lizzy’s hand and abruptly turn around, heading back to the hut. But it would be my luck that the doc sees me and stops us near where Henry’s working.

  “Victoria,” he says loudly, calling out to me. “I see that you’re feeling better.”

  I quickly turn around to see if Henry heard him, and he did. Staring up at me, a wide smile spreads across his face as he drops his shovel in the dirt and runs toward us.

  “Yes, thank you,” I answer, trying to get away from everyone.

  Please don’t let this be a public display. Please don’t let this be a public display!

  “Victoria!” Henry calls after me as I continue heading toward my hut, but I know that I can’t run forever. Eventually, I have to face him and it might as well be now.

  Stopping dead in my tracks, I turn around to face him. The moment he sees my belly, he stops too. Staring at me in disbelief, he slowly approaches Lizzy and me.

  “You cheated on me?” He questions, his voice raspy, his heart is broken. I don’t need a professional to tell me that this cuts him like a knife. The pain is visible in his eyes and it’s so prominent that it makes my heart hurt. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt him.

  “No,” I answer softly. “It wasn’t like that.”

  He points to my stomach. “Sure looks that way.”

  “No, please, Henry. I can explain….”.

  “Let me see my daughter,” he says, grabbing her from me.

  Lizzy shrieks in fear as this stranger takes her from me, her hand leaving mine. “Mum!” She cries.

  “For God’s sake! She doesn’t even remember me!” He quickly realizes, setting her back down on the ground before he storms off.

  “Convict!” One of the Marines shouts at him, noticing he’s left his work post. “Get back to work!”

  He glares at me, then the Marine, and continues off in another direction, ignoring the officer’s commands. Within seconds, the officer calls out for assistance and a trio of men chase after him. I can’t bear to watch because I know they’ll give him lashings as a punishment for disobeying their commands and it’s the last thing I want to see or allow Lizzy to watch.

  “Come on, sweetheart,” I say, clutching her hand. “Let’s go back home.”

  Noticing all of the commotion, Charlotte enters the hut moments later.

  “What happened?” She asks.

  I shake my head. “It was awful. I tried to go see Henry but the moment he saw my belly, he became furious.” Tears well up in my eyes. “He thinks I cheated on him, Charlotte!”

  Dropping to her knees beside me, she wraps her arm around me. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Did you tell him that’s not how it happened?”

  “I tried,” I say with tears streaming down my face. I can’t control my sobs. “Bloody oath I didn’t cheat on him! How can I make him understand that I thought he was dead? I was convinced of it!”

  “I know, I know,” Charlotte rocks me in her arms. “Don’t get too upset, it’s not good for the baby.”

  “Don’t get upset?!” I shout at her. “How can I not? Charlotte, I thought I was a bloody widow! I mourned the loss of my husband and then did what I had to so that we could survive! And now I find out that he’s alive and well? And he hates my guts!”

  “Shhhh,” she tries to soothe me. “I know, I know.”

  Lizzy climbs in my lap, resting her head against my chest. “Don’t cry, mum,” she whispers.

  Her sweet voice cuts through my heart. What if I’ve ruined her chance of having a dad? Her dad. The child that I’m carrying will never have a father and now I might’ve alienated the only one Lizzy’s got.

  “We’ll get through this,” Charlotte assures me, pulling my hair from my sweaty face and neck. “I’ll go talk to him.”

  Gasping, I look up at her in shock. “No, don’t do that! He’ll think I sen
t you and it’ll make things worse that I didn’t talk to him myself.”

  The problem is that I have to figure out how to do that. Not only is he upset with me and I know that his feelings are hurt, but now he’s in trouble. I’ve got to find a way to make this up to him and let him know that my words are sincere but I’ve got to get him to listen first.

  I feel like I’ve ruined everything.

  I should’ve known better, never gotten involved in a relationship with another man. I should’ve never stopped mourning his loss—did I ever stop?—and should’ve cherished what we had.

  A sharp pain in my abdomen makes me wince. It feels like a lightning bolt shooting across and down my stomach, and the pain is so unbearable that it makes me lightheaded. My vision is shaky for a second but I force my eyes to focus.

  “You okay, mummy?” Lizzy asks, noticing that something isn’t right.

  “I’m fine,” I tell her as I realize I’m holding my stomach. She pays such close attention to everything that goes on around her; she’s like a little sponge, soaking up every piece of information. “Mum just needs to lie down for a bit.”

  She eagerly brings me a blanket to put under my head while I rest. Lizzy is a good girl; she’s so caring and nurturing, despite the harsh living conditions she’s grown up in.

  I’m not sure how long I’ve been out when I awake to Charlotte’s voice.

  “Victoria,” she’s shaking my arm. “Are you feeling well? Is everything okay?”

  The sweltering heat must’ve knocked me out. The doc has been warning me to drink more water but I can only take in so much before it makes me feel nauseous.

  “Fine,” I say, wincing as another sharp pain spreads across my abdomen. It doesn’t hurt as bad as the one earlier.

  “I think not!” She says, pointing at me.

  Looking down to where her finger is pointing, I see that my dress is soaked. It’s so hot that I’m sweating like a stuck pig. “It’s fine, I’m just so—,” I sit up and now I know it’s not sweat. “My water broke!”

  With every movement that I make, water gushes out of me. There’s no mistaking it because I remember how it felt when I gave birth to Lizzy.

  Scrambling to the entrance of the hut, Charlotte quickly announces, “I’m going to get the doc!”

  “What’s wrong, mummy?” Lizzy asks.

  I take her sweet little hand in mine and as I start to speak, I realize that I’m about to give birth to this baby all alone—with the exception of my precious baby girl by my side. “Mummy,” I can barely get the words out as my throat catches. My eyes fill with tears as I think about all that I’ve done and how lonely my life will be, how hard it’ll be. “I’m going to have the baby,” I finally manage after taking a deep breath.

  “The baby?” Her eyes light up. “I get to see the baby! Can I hold it, mum?”

  I start to smile but another contraction comes on, hard and strong, halting everything around me. This one is definitely worse than the last. “Yes, sweetheart.”

  Charlotte rushes in with the doc in tow behind her and, I have to admit, he looks terrified which doesn’t give me a lot of confidence.

  “How far apart are the contractions?” He asks, taking his place by my feet.

  “About every few minutes, I suppose,” I answer him. Getting into position so he can check me, I remove my underwear and draw my knees back as I raise my dress.

  He looks away!

  Let me repeat: he just looked away!

  “Doc, are you going to check me?” I ask, waiting for him to do his job in one of the most awkward positions known to woman. Who in the bloody hell wants to sit before a physician with her legs spread wide and all of her goods on display while the doctor ignores her?

  His face drains of all its color. “Y-yes, I’m sorry. I’ve, I’ve,” he stutters as he looks down at me.

  “You’ve never what?” His eyes meet mine and he stops mid-sentence, and then I realize. “Oh! Come on! Don’t tell me you’ve never delivered a child before!”

  Shaking his head, he says. “I’m afraid not. Most of my career has consisted of taking care of the Marines. I’ve sat in through a few childbirths but have never done one myself. I was hoping to have another set of hands here before you delivered.”

  Gasping in shock, I look to Charlotte and throw myself back. “Oh, bloody hell!” I shout.

  And then another contraction comes on, just as hard and strong as the last one.

  “You can’t be serious?” Charlotte shouts at the doctor. “Here, let me help,” she says, nudging her way beside the doctor.

  Peeking between my legs, Charlotte shakes her head. “It looks like it’s going to be a while,” she says. “You’re not dilated nearly enough just yet.”

  * * *

  After laboring for the last 9 hours, my contractions are coming on harder and faster than ever before. Groaning in pain, I call out for Charlotte and the doctor. Almost everyone from the fleets has come in to check on me—even women that I had yet to meet stopped by to see if they could be of any use—but not Henry.

  I understand how he must be feeling but of all the people, he’s the only one who matters to me. He’s the only one who I really want to see. But I don’t have time to pity myself because the pains are so hard and sharp that I feel like I might pass out.

  Charlotte comes running in, “Is it time?”

  Darting between my legs, she beats the doc to aid in my delivery but truth be told, I’d rather her deliver this baby than him. He doesn’t seem to know much about childbirth and, I reckon, he looks like he might pass out before me.

  Her eyes cut up to mine as she can hardly contain her grin. “It is!”

  The doctor stands behind her, peering over her shoulder. “Yeah, I think we can start pushing,” he says. “Slow and steady, and remember to breathe.”

  I roll my eyes at him and turn my attention to Charlotte. “Will you be able to catch it?” The need to bear down is intense and all I can think about is pushing this baby out.

  A few women gather around, bringing sheets, rags, and whatever clothing they’ve managed to scrounge up. Charlotte takes sheets from one woman and nods. “Whenever you’re ready.”

  Taking a deep breath, I bear down and push as hard as I can. Sweat is beading off my brow and the heat is intolerable. I wish I could have given birth on any day but today, it’s so miserably hot. Why couldn’t we still be on that cold ship?

  Shaking her head, Charlotte indicates that I need to push more. Bearing down again, I give it all that I’ve got.

  Nothing.

  The contractions might kill me before the heat does, I think to myself.

  Giving myself a rest, I wait for the next contraction to come on and it feels like the strongest one yet! Pushing, I grunt and grind my teeth.

  “The head is starting to crown!” Charlotte announces.

  I fall back, ready to pass out from heat, pain, and exhaustion. One of the women offers me a sip of water, which I’m forever grateful for. “Only the hea—,” I don’t even get to finish my words before the next contraction starts.

  It feels like the whole baby should be out—maybe 10 of them! Bloody hell! I’d forgotten how painful childbirth was!

  Bearing down again, I take one more deep breath and give it everything I’ve got. Pushing as hard as I can, my hands grip my upper thighs and I feel like I might expel every organ of my body with this one.

  Charlotte moves quickly, catching the baby in the sheets as she quickly removes the mucus from its mouth and I hear it cry.

  “It’s a boy!” She exclaims. “A beautiful baby boy!”

  “A brother?” Lizzy asks, peeking around the corner from behind me.

  “Yes, a little brother,” Charlotte coos, wiping the baby down before passing him to me.

  He’s gorgeous. Perfect in every way. His skin tone is perfectly even and he has just a slight bit of hair on the top of his head.

  Crying, I rest him against my chest as I look him over. “
Thank you,” I murmur to Charlotte. “He’s beautiful.”

  “Yes, he is,” she says, smiling from ear to ear. “I reckon he’ll be a handsome boy. What will you name him?” Charlotte asks.

  Giving it some thought, I decide on a name. “Jesse,” I answer her.

  “Jesse?”

  “Yes, Jesse. It means ‘a gift’, and that’s what I consider this baby to be.” I say, stroking his tiny cheek.

  It’s been tougher than I’d imagined it’d be taking care of two little ones on my own. Charlotte’s been here to help but she has her own life to live. For weeks, I’ve been thinking of ways to approach Henry and try to talk to him but if I’m being honest, I’ve made excuses as to why I couldn’t do it. There have been plenty of opportunities but I always chicken out.

  Today is the day, though, I’ve decided. No more excuses or reasons. Yes, he’s busy working but he doesn’t work day and night. I’m going to try to talk to him this evening at supper. No, I am going to talk to him. There is no more trying. Lizzy needs her daddy and I’d like to have my husband back and try to salvage whatever I can of my marriage.

  He’s got every right to be angry with me. After all, I did bear a bastard child out of wedlock that doesn’t belong to him while we were married—and that’s why I’ve got to talk to him. He needs to understand that I didn’t do it because I was lonely or bored.

  I thought I was a widow!

  Some people move on after losing their partner, why should I be any different? Had I known that they’d put him on another ship and that he was alive and well, none of this would’ve happened. But, sometimes—in certain situations—especially when you believe you’re alone in this world, you find comfort in the oddest circumstances. Never in a million years did I think any of this would happen or that I could fall in love with an officer who treated me the way Matthew did in the beginning but he was there for me, damn it! He took care of me. He took care of us! Without him, Lizzy and I might’ve very well died, especially after we both fell so ill. I can’t say for sure, but I doubt the doc would’ve given a convict and her baby the proper medicine to save us—if he gave us any at all. And all the food? That not only saved my life but Lizzy’s too. He also kept us from freezing to death by making sure we had adequate clothes and blankets. Far too many convicts lost their lives because they were too sick, too cold, and too hungry.