Turn the World Upside Down

by Nyrae Dawn

  When we get to the stables, Stray heads straight for the same horse. I think it must be his favorite. “We need to feed them. I just want to say hi real quick.” He pets her neck, rubs her side for a second, and then nods in the other direction. I follow him into another part of the stable.

  “Oh, Stray, you’re here.” Maryanne, one of the equine therapists, stands in what I assume is the feed room, if that’s even what it’s called.

  “Yeah, I brought Hunter with me. I’m going to make him fall in love too.”

  His words cause me to stumble before I realize what he means—fall in love with the horses, not him.

  “Maybe I already have.” I shrug and he laughs; Maryanne’s gaze shifts back and forth between the two of us, as though she thinks she’s missing something. She is.

  “He never had much experience with horses before. Molly likes him, though.”

  She nods, still studying us in this way that tells me she sees something between Stray and me.

  “They’re incredible animals. Stray won’t steer you wrong.” Maryanne turns her attention to Stray after that. She talks to him about feeding and cleaning out their stalls before we both get a good-bye from her and she’s on her way.

  “I was worried about her,” I tell him as he fills a bucket.

  “Maryanne?” He cocks a brow but smiles.

  “Good one. Bethany. With the eating thing. I mean, I want her to be healthy no matter what, but also because she probably gets to go home.”

  Stray nudges me with this little grin on his face that makes my stomach flip. “The boy with the big heart. You tried to hide it at first, but I think I saw it even from the beginning.”

  Rolling my eyes at him, I follow him to the horses. “No, you wanted to kick my ass the first time you saw me, because of Casey.”

  “No, I wanted to kick your ass before I saw you, when Casey told me what happened. Then I did see you, and I thought it was a waste because you’re hot. When I flipped you off, I could see it got under your skin. I think that’s when I knew you were different. You didn’t look pissed. Maybe you wanted to be. Did you want to be? You looked more hurt.”

  The truth is, I can’t say for sure. I don’t think I’m totally who Stray thinks I am, though. He’s giving me too much credit. “Honestly? I was probably pissed and probably wanted to be as well. I thought you were a jerk.”

  We go to the next stall, and I watch as Stray feeds the horses there too. I can see why he likes it here—not just because of the horses, but because you can get some peace.

  “How do you do that?” The question comes out without me thinking about it.

  “Do what?” He keeps going, keeps feeding the horses, and I continue to follow him.

  “Help everyone.” I shrug. “Believe in people. Not be angry.” Looking down, I watch as I dig in the dirt with the tip of my shoe. It’s easier than looking at him. “I don’t want to be angry.”

  It feels like forever before he says, “I don’t know…. It’s not that I never get pissed. But it’s easier for me to be sad than it is angry. It just happens. It’s like my default emotion. There doesn’t even need to be a reason. Sadness just digs away at me sometimes, like a flesh-eating bug, taking little bites all the time. Sometimes I’m scared they’ll eat at me until there’s nothing left.”

  My heart hurts at his words. I’ve never really had my heart hurt before. My chest has, but this is more than that. Maybe knowing he’s in pain is a different kind of flesh-eating bug, my kind, and it attacks my heart.

  “But that’s not what I see when I look at you…. You didn’t know anything about what I might do, but you had no problem standing up for Casey. You want people to see they can’t give you shit for your life, so you name yourself Stray. You’ve had people hurt you, but you’d never hurt anyone else.” I turn, suddenly feeling really stupid for my words. These aren’t the kinds of things I say. They’ve never been the kinds of things I had to feel. Now they’re always there like Stray’s sadness. My whole universe is different when I never wanted it to change.

  “How are you not mad at the world like I am?” His mom was a drug addict, and no foster parents wanted him, yet he’s not pissed. “It’s like you have no fear. You had no problem telling me you like looking at me, or flipping me off in the middle of the cafeteria.”

  Stray reaches out, touches the mane of the horse next to him. “Because I have nothing to lose. You do. People love you. Until I met Rosie, Casey, and Bethany, I’d never even known what that felt like. That makes it easier sometimes just to go for it… when you have nothing to lose.” Yet it’s not a struggle for him to show people love. Even if he’d never seen it himself, Stray knows what it is. He’s not afraid to put himself out there, even though he’s been hurt. “It’s not always like that for me, though. Sometimes I work for it.”

  Stray doesn’t see it, but I think he might be the strongest person I know. “What about me?” I ask and almost want to snatch the words right back. They sound so lame and needy. Still, I need the answer. He said Rosie, Casey, and Beth, but didn’t say me. “I know I haven’t known you as long….” I shrug.

  “I told you before, how long you’ve known someone has nothing to do with friendship. And yeah… you too… but you scare me, and they don’t.”

  Why? I want to ask him. Why do I scare you? But I don’t have time. Stray speaks before I can. “You don’t talk about them… your family.”

  Because it hurts too much. It’s easier to pretend. “I dreamed about my sister last night… that’s why… thanks for that, by the way.” He doesn’t ask what I dreamed, and I know if he did, I couldn’t tell him. He doesn’t have a problem with things like that. Stray can talk about anything. He makes me want to be more like him.

  “What are friends for?”

  I don’t know what it is about this second that makes me see Stray in a clearer light than I have before. Because it’s now that I realize who he really is. That despite never having anyone there for him most of his life, he would do anything for people he cares about. It’s only himself he hurts. And maybe he thinks he deserves it.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  “WE SHOULD try to do something special, you know, since Bethany might be leaving in a few days.” Stray nudges Beth, smiling like he’s proud of her. It’s almost time for afternoon therapy, and the five of us are standing in the hallway, waiting to head whatever direction we each need to go.

  It’s times like this that feel so normal. We’re five kids, hanging out between classes at school. We’re not in a residential treatment facility. Bethany eats whatever she wants, and Stray doesn’t cut. Rosie is free, and Casey is an outgoing guy. I’m not living with guilt and memories that try their best to suffocate me. Maybe I even still play baseball.

  But then Stray’s words have a chance to really sink in. Beth could be leaving soon. Beth might get to try it out there again. We might never see her. For a second I become an empty, lonely road. One that used to be full of kids, and games in the streets, barbecues and neighborhood parties. But then everyone moved, all the houses empty. Even the leaves left the trees, and I’m a ball that got left behind, blowing around and wishing someone would play with me.

  This place, Better Days, is the four people who are with me. I don’t know if I can do it without them. I don’t want to. It’s stupid, but I always thought I would be the first to go even though they’ve all been here longer than me.

  “Don’t do that. You guys aren’t allowed to be sad. Bethany might get to go home. That’s a good thing.” Rosie gently grabs my face as though she can mold my lips into a smile. She’s right. I’ve been happy for Beth and I still am, but it’s really sinking in now.

  “I’m not going anywhere. Trust me.” Bethany rolls her eyes as though we’re being ridiculous. Her words send a warning flare through my brain.

  “What do you mean? How do you know that?” I ask her just as the overhead speaker announces the time.

  “Come on. Let’s go to our afternoon thera
py.” Bethany links one arm through mine and one through Stray’s the way Rosie would do and then leads us away. Over her head, I glance at Stray, who shrugs in confusion.

  “What did you mean by that, Bethany?” I ask her again.

  We stop outside the door to the therapy room. Bethany’s gaze darts around as though she expects someone to jump out from behind something and yell that they’ve got her.

  That’s when everything changes. Like she’s stopped trying to be Rosie and has become Bethany again. She doesn’t stand quite as tall. Her shoulders curl, and she looks unsure.

  “I don’t want to be without you guys… not yet. I know that sounds weak, and it’s probably not the way things are supposed to be. If I tell my parents that, they won’t understand. They won’t get it. They might spend most of their lives ignoring me, but they also don’t want to be known as the parents of the psycho who always sees a fat girl in the mirror. I’m a part of a group with you guys…. I get in the way at home.”

  She doesn’t want to get out. She feels more loved in here than she does with her parents. I’ve never known that. There’s never been a time in my life where I didn’t feel loved. Like I told Stray, it doesn’t matter if I deserve it or not, I always know Mom and Holly love me. Uncle Ricardo and his partner too.

  “What did you do?” Stray’s voice is tight, strained. Not anger, but fear.

  “I fixed it.” She shrugs.

  “How? How did you fix it?” I don’t see how she could change something like this without coming out and saying she doesn’t want to leave yet.

  My stomach twists and turns like roller coasters I used to go on with Dad.

  “Hunter, Bethany, Stray, you guys need to come in. It’s time to get started,” John calls from inside the room.

  “Hold up,” I tell him, and then to Bethany, “How’d you fix it?”

  When her arms wrap around me, I freeze up in surprise. “It’ll be okay. I promise. Come on, let’s get in there.” She pulls away and heads into the room before Stray and I can do anything to stop her.

  Eyes turned down, Stray rubs the angriest scar on his arm. The one where he probably tried to kill himself. He does that when he’s nervous or scared. I think, in this moment, I’d be doing the same thing because I feel the way he does. Unsure… scared.

  “Come on.” His voice is soft as he walks toward the circle of people. I follow, but the amusement park in my gut never lets up. Goose bumps cover my arms, the back of my neck. This is wrong. Something’s wrong. I don’t know how I see that, but I do. When Holly showed me signs, I didn’t pay attention. The same thing can’t happen with Bethany.

  I go down into the seat on the left of her. As soon as John starts talking, I lean over, whisper in her ear. “Are you sure you didn’t do anything stupid? Do you need my help?”

  Bethany shakes her head but doesn’t look at me. She’s trying to avoid the question. She doesn’t want to answer. That’s how I know it can’t be good.

  “Sometimes our decisions make sense to us, or mean something to us, when they wouldn’t make sense to someone else.”

  That’s what she said just the other day. What if this is the decision she was talking about? Everything can change with the decisions we make—Mom’s decision to marry Dad; my decision to go out; Dad’s decision to hurt his daughter. She doesn’t want to answer, and she said people make choices others wouldn’t understand.

  “Beth—” The door opening cuts me off.

  Mrs. Spencer walks in. She’s not smiling, and for the first time, I want her smile. “Sorry to interrupt. I need to borrow Bethany from you.”

  Reaching out, I grab her arm as though that’s going to change anything. Bethany winks, her eyes lit up like the sun. It’s then I notice they look a little hollower than they used to. There’s a purple tint under each of them.

  “It’s fine. See you soon!”

  This time, I know it’s not. Unlike with Holly, I see that things aren’t okay with Bethany, only she doesn’t know it yet.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  ROSIE’S EYEBROWS pull together. “Where’s Bethany?” she asks when we meet up with her and Casey after therapy. Casey’s eyes don’t veer away from Stray and me, waiting for us to answer Rosie’s question.

  “We don’t know.” Stray shrugs. “They came in and took her out of therapy. We haven’t seen her since.”

  “Took her? What do you mean took her? Who? Why didn’t you guys do anything about it?” She pushes through us, walking away.

  “Do what? How were we supposed to stop them?” I say, even while thinking she’s right. I should have asked, said something, but I didn’t. Just like I always do, I stood on the sidelines.

  “She’s with Mrs. Spencer, Rosie. She’s fine. She has to be fine.” Stray doesn’t sound convinced, though. I need him to sound convinced. Even Rosie must hear it because she stops, slowly turns and looks at Stray, her broken heart in her eyes.

  “Dude. It’s okay. We’ll just go talk to Mrs. Spencer.” Sometimes, I wonder if that’s something everyone does or just me—tries to lie to themselves or convince themselves even when they know the truth. Maybe it’s possible I’ve known other truths I refused to see as well, but it doesn’t stop me from trying to pretend.

  Stray and Rosie flank me as we go. Casey is behind us, but I know he’s here, all of us are here, for Bethany. We’ll fight for her, because I kind of think all of us need to save her. We all need to save each other to make some of our ghosts go away. I know I do.

  I go straight for Mrs. Spencer’s office first, my fist coming down on the door. She doesn’t answer, and I knock again before a nurse at the station behind us says, “She’s not in her office right now. Is there something I can help you guys with?”

  “Do you know where she is?” I ask.

  She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t.”

  “W-w-we’re looking f-f-for our friend, Bethany.”

  A dark rain cloud floats across the nurse’s eyes before she looks down, busying herself with papers. “I’m not sure where Bethany is. Where are you all supposed to be right now?”

  Her words are a punch to the gut. Missing an important catch to lose the most important game of my life. She knows where Bethany is, and we were right. Something’s wrong.

  “We’re her friends. We just want to make sure she’s okay.” Stray steps forward, and suddenly I have hope. How can anyone deny Stray anything?

  She’s reinforced herself, added steel to her armor. I see it when she looks up. “If you can’t find something to do, I’ll find something for you. You should be participating in activities right now.”

  She’s not going to help. She wants to keep Beth from us.

  “Come on,” Rosie says.

  “But—”

  “Hunter, let’s go.” Then she walks away.

  We look for her everywhere, talk to staff, counselors, whoever we can find, but no one has any answers for us. Casey’s getting edgy, Stray quiet, and Rosie a slow simmer that I think could bubble over at any minute. I feel the same. It’s almost like the day in the hall at school, where I’m not sure if I can stay in control of myself. Where my skin doesn’t fit anymore and my body wants to break out of it. My vision fades in and out.

  We spend forever looking for her, but it’s like she’s gone. Disappeared.

  We let her down.

  When they announce dinner, I know we have no choice but to go. Maybe she’ll show up there. They’re going to want Bethany to eat. She has to eat.

  “Come on. We have to go to dinner,” I say.

  Rosie whips around, fire following her as she looks at me. “You’re giving up! Of course you don’t care. You never cared about being here anyway.”

  “Screw you.” Her fire is inside me right now, threatening to burn me alive. “I’m not giving up. You don’t know me.”

  “Yeah, and whose fault is that? Maybe if you opened up once in a while, I would.”

  “Rosie, chill out. It’s not his fault. If we do
n’t go, we’re going to get into trouble, and then how can we figure out what’s going on?” Stray reaches for Rosie, but she jerks her arm back.

  “You’re taking his side. Why am I not surprised?”

  There’s movement down the hall behind her. I look up just in time to see Mrs. Spencer walk out of a room that I’ve never been inside. No thought, no putting myself first to try and make up with Rosie the way I did when I went out and left Holly, I run.

  “Mrs. Spencer! Wait! I need to talk to you.”

  She freezes, and I can tell she hoped not to see me. She knows whatever is going on is going to piss us off.

  “It’s dinnertime. You four need to make your way to the cafeteria.”

  “Where is she? Where’s Bethany? We need to know where she is.” I can hardly hear my own words over my pulse in my ear. My chest is getting too tight, hurting with each breath I take.

  “Hunter….”

  “Please. We… I… I just need to make sure she’s okay.” I can’t let her down. Doesn’t Mrs. Spencer get that? “You wanted me to make friends here and I did. Please.”

  She lets out a deep breath, so much that I think she might deflate completely. “Everyone just wants to make sure she’s okay. That’s all we’re trying to do. Her parents love her, and they want what’s best for Bethany.”

  “Being with us is what’s best for her,” Rosie says.

  A scream breaks through the building so loud the walls shake. I fall apart, like the building wants to. Maybe all four of us do.

  “Noooo! I don’t want to go! I’m not sick, I promise! I just want to stay. I only did it so I can stay!” Bethany’s voice echoes through the hallway and through me, this constant shriek inside me.

  Without me giving them the order, my feet just start to move. I run toward Holly—No, I mean toward Bethany. As soon as I round the corner, she’s there, a man who looks just like her holding her arm. Another woman who must be her mom, watching.