by Sandy Barker
‘What, all that stuff about how amazing I am?’ Was that anger in my voice? Was I angry? I was. Under the sadness, I was completely pissed off.
‘No, no, of course not. You are amazing. I meant that – you are the most interesting, incredible person I’ve ever met.’
Liar. ‘But?’
‘There is no but. That’s the whole point. I should have just left it at that. All my doubts about me and you and what I want, and what this can be. That’s …’ He stopped talking and it looked like he was having a pretty intense chat with himself, a chat that continued for a few seconds.
He exhaled heavily and looked right at me with an intensity I hadn’t seen from him before. ‘You are absolutely all of those things and so much more. I don’t know what this is –’ he signalled that ‘this’ meant ‘him and me’ ‘– or how it can become anything else for two people who live in Chicago and Sydney …’
I am sure that everything I felt – all the confusion and hope and disappointment – was practically etched onto my face, because he stopped himself again.
‘Fuck! I really suck at this. I’m so sorry, Sarah.’ He shook his head as if to clear it. ‘What I do know is that you are someone very important to me, and I want to know you for my whole life. I don’t know what that can mean, or how we do it, but it’s the one thing I do know.’
And there it was.
The most perfect thing he could have said.
I was crying by then – of course I was – and I nodded my agreement. Then he stepped around the bed and enveloped me in his arms.
‘Is that okay?’ he asked, his breath soft against my neck. It was a simple question laden with everything we both felt.
I pulled out of the hug and sat on the bed. Fresh tears made their way down my cheeks, and I felt like I was a millisecond from dissolving into a fit of real boo-hoo-ey tears. ‘Josh, you’re my best friend and I’m really scared that after today I’m never going to see you again.’
Because he really was my best friend. I know that probably sounds weird because we’d only known each other ten days, but I couldn’t think of another person, besides my sister, who I was closer to. And, when you’re that close to someone, you want to hang out and share stuff with them, all the time, which is super hard when they live on the other side of the world.
So, maybe all the romantic stuff wasn’t the real reason I was upset. I mean, it could have been, but I wasn’t sure about all that – and there was James, who I also wasn’t sure about – but I was sure that this person – this smart, funny, warm, wonderful person – was my bestie.
Josh knelt in front of me and took both of my hands in his. ‘Don’t go getting all fatalistic on me like this is the end of everything, okay? We mean something to each other – we don’t quite know what it is yet, but we will work it out, and we will see each other again.’
‘Okay.’ I nodded, needing the additional affirmation.
‘And we still have the rest of today on the ferry. Let’s enjoy that – can we do that?’
‘It’s going to suck saying goodbye.’
‘Yes, it is. It’s going to suck, and I’m going to miss you like crazy.’
‘Me too.’ I found a tissue in my pocket and wiped my nose.
‘And that means we have to make the most of today. All right?’ I nodded again, part of me wishing the day was already over so I could stop anticipating saying goodbye, and just get on with missing him. Somehow, that part seemed like it would be easier – maybe because I’d be with my sister. Maybe because in the next few days I’d be seeing James.
The silver fox. I forced him from my head – he just complicated things.
I looked into Josh’s eyes and saw all the warmth and honesty that made me adore him. I sniffled loudly, which was kind of gross, but to his credit he didn’t flinch. ‘You’re right. There’s no reason to ruin a beautiful day on the Aegean Sea. We should pack, go to the marina, have a decent breakfast, and then enjoy the ferry ride back to Athens.’
There, that sounded very mature and reasonable.
He grabbed the back of my head and planted a less than platonic kiss on my mouth and then grinned at me. ‘Excellent. But you should probably freshen up before we go, because you look a mess.’
My mouth dropped open, shocked he would be so mean.
He winked. Oh, so he was teasing me. Or was he? While he went back to packing, I went to the bathroom and checked out the damage in the mirror. Teasing or not, he was right. It was probably best if I washed my face and started again. ‘Give me five minutes,’ I called.
I hoped he knew that five minutes meant ten minutes – at least. I closed the bathroom door and got to work on looking less like a blubbering mess and more like a woman on holiday with a gorgeous man.
*
‘I could look at a view like this for the rest of my life, couldn’t you?’ We were seated outside at a taverna, enjoying a view of island life.
‘Yes,’ I replied with a tinge of sadness. I didn’t want to go home. And it had nothing to do with the sexy American. Well, maybe it did – a little – but mostly I was beginning to feel this ominous dread about going back to my life.
My so-called ‘full life’. Was it full? Work, gym, home to my cat, read a book, watch TV, and then do it all over again for five days straight. My weekends used to be better – hanging out with my girlfriends – shopping, movies, lunch, day trips, sometimes weekends away. But when most of your friends get married in the space of two years and start having children, their time is eaten up by husbands and babies. ‘Eaten up’. That sounds a little judgey. My married friends were happy in their lives and I shouldn’t begrudge them that – didn’t begrudge them that.
The thing was, I could busy myself during the week. Work was demanding and sometimes I went to the gym twice in one day. As a result, I had a pretty good body for someone in their late thirties, but it also meant my weekends felt empty in contrast.
It’s not like I never saw my friends, but getting even one of them lined up for an outing required military-precision planning. That meant a typical weekend consisted of two sleep-ins until 7:00am (yes, that was a sleep-in, as I usually got up at 5:30am), chores, a coffee at the beach – solo, a movie – solo, maybe wandering around a mall buying things I didn’t really need – solo, and then Sunday lunch at my parents’ house.
And that I tried to limit to every other week, because my parents led more exciting lives than mine and I didn’t want to be an intrusion. I should say, much to my mother’s disappointment, I showed up to Sunday lunch solo too.
Sitting seaside in Mykonos and doing a mental audit of my life left me feeling miserable. I was such a cliché. What I’d said to Josh was true. I was one floral bedspread away from being a certified spinster! Mental note: if I feel the urge to buy chintz, seek immediate help.
Josh broke into my thoughts. ‘What’s going on in there?’ I was pretty sure he was referring to my head. ‘You look like you’re about to break out in hives or something.’ He was probably right, but he wasn’t helping.
I said the first thing that came to mind. ‘Like I said before, I want my life to be bigger too. My life is boring and lonely.’ But as soon as I said it out loud, I realised how whiny it sounded. ‘Wait, I didn’t mean …’
‘Bigger how?’ he asked, seeming to ignore the whining.
‘Bigger how?’ It was a good question. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled while I calmed my thoughts.
‘I’m really just complaining about stuff I have the power to change – and I’m realising this as I say it – I do want to change it.’ He didn’t interrupt, which I appreciated, because I was on a bit of a roll.
‘I live in Sydney – arguably one of the most beautiful cities in the world – and what do I do with my time? Nothing! Nothing important, nothing cultural, nothing that really takes advantage of where I live. I had to come all this way to realise I don’t appreciate the incredible city I live in. I mean, Sydney’s amazing! There’s Circular Quay,
there’s The Rocks and Darling Harbour and the Botanical Gardens and the cliff walk from Bondi to Coogee, and the galleries and restaurants and wine bars and pubs. I used to have fun. I used to be fun. But now I sit in my little flat with Domino, my cat, wishing my friends would come out and play.
‘Well, fuck that! So what if they’re busy being mums and wives? I should find ways to work in with their lives – spend more time with them, with their kids. I love kids. I may not want any of my own, but I love all my honorary nieces and nephews.
‘I should offer to babysit, so my girlfriends can have a night out with their hubbies. And I should get out of the gym and go back to my old running routes along the coast, and swim in the sea pool, not the chlorinated one. My life is too full of stuff I don’t need, and empty of the stuff I do – the stuff that matters.
‘And I used to travel – all the time. Even on weekends, I’d find somewhere new to go. I haven’t done that in ages. Neil was a total homebody and I let myself become one too.
‘I’m stuck in my own life, and it’s my fault.’ I stared at a spot on the tablecloth where someone had spilt olive oil and it had left a stain.
Everything I’d said was true. Even a cloistered nun would consider my life dull and sad – and that was my fault.
But that also meant it was me who could change it back into something joyful, something that resembled the days I’d spent under Greek skies. Maybe I could take that feeling home with me. Could I be joyful at home? Could I just embrace life, just breathe and stop stressing myself out all the time? Could I be happy?
I’d almost forgotten Josh was there. When I met his eyes, I affirmed my momentous self-discovery with a nod and added, ‘Just bigger.’
He leaned over and whispered close to my ear, ‘That’s my girl.’ He followed it with a kiss on my cheek. And right then, I was his girl. Tingles.
‘Come on,’ he said, as he stood and shouldered his bag, ‘it’s time to go the ferry.’
The ferry that would take us back to Athens where we would say goodbye. I took a deep breath.
The ferry was packed – we weren’t the only ones vacating island life. Josh and I lugged our bags up the gangway and found a bench seat outside, shaded from the sun, and with a view of the water. We’d hit the mother lode.
But right as our bums hit the seat, we heard an obnoxious cry. ‘Josh! Sarah!’ Wonderful. It was Alisha from the other boat – the girl who’d hung out with the spicy redhead. She had a huge grin on her face and looked relieved to see a friendly face. ‘Oh my god, I am so happy to see you two! People I know!’ Yep, totally called it.
I hoped I had a better poker face than she did, though, because I did not want to spend the next few hours on the ferry with Alisha. I smiled at her weakly, as she plonked her stuff down next to ours and sat next to Josh. ‘So, how was that trip, huh?’ she asked. I took the question as rhetorical, which was a good thing, because she didn’t wait for a response.
‘I mean, the scenery alone was worth coming for! And the food!!’ She certainly was effusive. I felt slightly bad that I wanted her to fuck off and leave us alone. I reminded myself that she was harmless, really, and quite nice. She also had a point about the scenery and the food. I wondered if Josh was as peeved as I was.
‘So, where’s Kiersten?’ he asked. ‘She with you?’ He wanted her gone too – good.
‘I lost her on the way in. So many people.’
‘So, she is on the ferry?’ I asked, feigning friendliness.
‘Uhm yeah, I think she is. I hope so. I mean, we’re supposed to share a room at the hostel tonight.’ She seemed to consider what would happen if she didn’t hook up with Kiersten on the ferry and shrugged. ‘Although, I guess we could just meet there. She’s a big girl.’ She sat back against the bench. Awesome, she was getting comfy – and it was turning me into a bit of a bitch.
‘Don’t you think she’ll be looking for you?’ I asked hopefully, trying not to sound like a bit of a bitch.
She cocked her head to the side, as though considering it for the first time. ‘Mmm. I suppose. Do you think I should go and look for her?’ Hallelujah! ‘Will you guys watch my bag? I’ll bring her back when I find her.’ Bugger – I’d celebrated prematurely.
‘Uh, Alisha?’ Josh stopped her from going. He made an exaggerated grimace. ‘Don’t you think it might be a little awkward – us hanging out with Kiersten? I mean, Sarah and I are together.’
Finally, the penny dropped and Alisha’s mouth formed a silent O. She nodded slowly. ‘Right, that’s a really good point. She was kind of into you, so, yeah, this whole thing might be a bit, uh, weird. I think this will have to be goodbye. Sorry, guys.’ Hallelujah again!
She signalled it was time to hug it out, so we both stood and let this virtual stranger hug us as though we were all the best of friends. ‘So great to meet you guys. And don’t tell Kiersten, okay, but I think you guys make a really cute couple.’ Don’t tell Kiersten? What planet was this chick from?
We watched her disappear into the crowd on the deck and sighed simultaneously. We looked at each other and laughed. ‘I wanted her gone,’ I said without a trace of remorse.
‘Me too. I don’t care if that’s selfish. I just want it to be us.’ Then he bent down gave me one of those Josh kisses, the kind that made me go all wobbly inside. I kissed back. For a moment the apprehension about saying goodbye disappeared. The boy really knew how to kiss.
The ferry pulled away from Mykonos and we watched in silence as the island became smaller and smaller.
‘Can I ask you something?’ Josh’s voice surprised me. I’d been transfixed by the undulations of the water and my thoughts were a million miles away.
I’d been thinking about life back in Sydney, the changes I’d be making when I got back, the whole ‘make my life bigger’ thing. I’d already decided I needed to plan something fun to do with my girlfriends – and soon. I wasn’t ready to come back to the present, but Josh was waiting for a response.
‘Sure.’
‘Are you going to see that James guy?’
‘What?’ He suddenly had my complete attention.
‘James. Doesn’t he live in London?’
‘Uh, yes, he does.’
‘Are you going to see him while you’re there?’ I couldn’t quite read his expression. It was mostly pleading, perhaps a little self-pitying, and there was something almost proprietary in there too.
What had I expected? Josh was a smart guy and all he had to do in this situation was put two and two together and get four. I decided that honesty was the best policy – at least in this instance. ‘I don’t know.’
‘But he’s asked to see you.’ It was a statement.
‘Yes.’
I couldn’t look at him, suddenly very interested in a hangnail on my left hand. I bit it, which I knew was an obvious tell, but I still didn’t know what to say about James.
‘Do you want to see him?’
It was the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question. I hesitated for a fraction of a moment, but all I could come up with was: ‘I don’t know.’
Josh started to say something, stopped, and then said, ‘Okay. Hey, do you want something to drink? I’m going to get something to drink.’ He was gone before I could even answer.
Right then, I wanted to skip forward two weeks when I would be back in Sydney making changes to my day-to-day life, when I’d be half a world away from both Josh and James.
Maybe that was the key. I needed distance. Weren’t holiday romances supposed to look completely different under the glaring lights of real life? Perhaps I’d get home and realise I’d had a great time being squired by two handsome men, but that it was all part of the holiday and I needed to get back to reality.
‘Here.’ A can of Diet Coke appeared in front of me. I took it.
‘Thanks.’ I figured Josh was probably waiting for me to say more than that, but I still didn’t know what to say. I certainly wasn’t going to tell him about my time travel fantasy. I opened
my drink and sipped it while watching the water.
‘I know I don’t really have a right to ask this …’ I coughed on some Coke that went down the wrong way. I knew what he was going to say, and I silently begged him not to say the words.
‘But, I would really … I mean … it would be …’ He ignored my silent plea. ‘Please don’t see him.’
‘Josh, I …’
‘I know. Like I said, I have no right to ask, but I felt I had to say it all the same. I can’t expect you to know that that’s how I feel. So, I’ve said it and now we can drop it.’ He had some of his Coke and looked out at the horizon. ‘Hey, we’re coming up on another island.’
He stood and walked over to the railing, and I followed tentatively. Did I want to drop the conversation about James? It only took a moment’s thought to confirm that I did. Standing next to Josh, I looked at the island we were coming up on. ‘That looks like Syros.’ The colourful buildings were a bit of a giveaway considering it was the only island we’d been to that didn’t have whitewashed, Greek-style buildings.
‘Remember our dog?’ Josh grinned at me. I grinned back, relieved we’d stopped talking about James.
‘That was such an awesome day,’ I replied.
As the ferry manoeuvred into place at the dock, Josh pointed to the top of the island. ‘We walked up the hill there, along that ridge there, and back down to the marina there.’ I followed the line of his finger with my eyes.
‘It’s so beautiful. I remember when we arrived the first time, I couldn’t believe this was a town in Greece. It looks like a totally different part of Europe.’ He put his arm around me and I let him. I wrapped my arm around his waist and we stood in companionable silence watching the bustle of passengers disembarking and embarking.
‘I also remember sitting on the bow of the boat in our PJs having brekkie while half of the island made their commute to work.’
He laughed. ‘Oh yeah, I totally loved that.’
‘It was one of those surreal “I’m on holiday” moments.’
