by Sandy Barker
‘I’ve been thinking about that. You know what the real quest is?’
‘Quest?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, the thing I really want.’
I shook my head.
‘It’s to have that “vacation feeling” when I get home.’
‘I hear ya. I’ve been thinking that myself.’
‘To find a way to have that feeling of freedom and adventure …’
‘But every day,’ I finished his sentence.
‘Exactly.’
I continued with the shared thought. ‘And you know, it’s not only freedom, or adventure – it’s about being in my life and appreciating it. Living it, rather than observing it.’
‘The bigger life,’ he said.
‘The bigger life,’ I agreed. ‘Exactly.’ We tapped our cans of Coke together in a toast.
‘You know, that’s what I took away from your rant earlier?’
‘Rant? Are we calling it a rant?’
He looked embarrassed. ‘Sorry, no, that’s not the right word. I meant …’ He paused while he searched for the elusive word. Eventually, he said, ‘… pontification.’
‘Better.’
‘Anyway, that’s what I think you meant. Not necessarily making all these big changes or going skydiving every weekend—’
‘Definitely not that.’
‘But, changing how you see things, the perspective – having a sense of awe about the everyday, having gratitude, being open to opportunities, taking the initiative.’ He was looking out across the island as he spoke, and I found myself agreeing with him one hundred per cent.
‘Does that make sense?’ he asked, turning to me.
‘So much, so much sense.’
‘You know, the day I hiked to the top – right up there?’ He pointed and I nodded. ‘I sat there and watched the tiny world below me, and I had all these cool thoughts zipping round my mind. And it was all this sort of stuff. I’m actually thinking of taking up meditation when I get home.’
‘Really? I could see you doing that.’
‘What about you?’ he asked. ‘Do you meditate?’
‘I’ve had limited success with that. Didn’t I tell you?’ He shook his head. ‘Well, I get so caught up in trying to think of nothing that I spend the whole time trying to imagine what nothing looks like, and then it ends up looking like something, which always sets me off on some tangent and then I’m not meditating, I’m thinking.’
‘Like in Ghostbusters,’ he said solemnly.
I cocked my head to the side. ‘I’m not following.’
‘In Ghostbusters they were supposed to clear their minds so that the evil thing couldn’t manifest itself, and Ray can’t think of nothing, so he tries to think of the most harmless thing there is …’
‘The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!’ I laughed.
‘Exactly!’ he replied.
‘Great, so the next time I try to meditate, I’ll just think of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.’
‘Good plan. That’s bound to work.’
We watched the last of the passengers get on board and soon after, the ferry horn sounded and we were on our way again. We sat back in our little spot. Despite the caffeine in the Coke, I was getting sleepy. I hadn’t really slept much the previous night, and the lull of the ferry’s engines as it cut through the sea was making me drowsy. ‘Do you mind if I lie down for a bit and close my eyes?’
‘No, of course not.’ He slid down the bench and retrieved a jacket from his bag. He bunched it up and put it on his lap. ‘Here. You can use me as a pillow.’
I lay down, rested my head in his lap, and closed my eyes. I could hear the drone of the engines and snatches of conversations in different languages. I don’t know how long it was before I fell asleep, but I woke with a start. For a millisecond, I didn’t know where I was.
‘Hey,’ said my pillow. ‘You fell asleep.’
I made no move to get up. ‘How long was I out?’
‘It’s been around an hour.’
I lifted my head. ‘Oh, sorry. Your legs must be numb by now.’ I sat up and ran my fingers under my sunglasses to remove any mascara smudges that may have formed.
‘It’s fine. I’m fine. You know, you were smiling?’
‘I was?’
‘Yeah. I figured you were probably dreaming about me.’ He smiled and I laughed.
‘You’re so full of yourself.’ I playfully pushed him away from me.
His smile turned into a grin. ‘That’s what you love about me!’ What I loved about him was that he made me laugh – and often at his own expense. ‘Loved’ about him. Oh dear, I thought.
‘Do you know if we have any more stops before Athens?’ I was suddenly hyper-aware that we were now running on minutes rather than days.
‘One more, I think – we’ll be docking soon.’ He pointed towards the horizon and it was filled with a mound of jagged earth. Naxos, was my guess. I started falling for Josh on Naxos, or was it before?
We watched as the island took shape. My guess of Naxos was right, and not too much time passed before we could make out the marina where we’d docked our little yacht. The time on Naxos had been awesome – the scooters, the beach, that incredible lunch at Martika’s.
‘Martika,’ I said, my thought escaping my lips.
‘I was just thinking about her, about that lunch. It’s still the best meal I’ve ever had.’
‘Agreed.’
Again, the ferry docked, and again the shuffle of people off and then on, as the memories of the island flooded my mind. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to my life, a life without this, without Greece, and tomatoes so flavourful they touched my soul. Without Josh.
‘Do you think you’ll ever be able to eat another shitty supermarket tomato after this trip?’ I asked.
My non sequitur landed perfectly. ‘Nope.’
‘Me neither.’ Martika and the rest of Greece had ruined me for life. I’d have to start growing my own when I got home. Mental note: move to a place with a sunny balcony, so I can grow decent tomatoes.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been that wet and fully clothed,’ said Josh.
‘You know, it was definitely the best meal of my life – but I think that was also the best day.’ Although I was a person who was known to exaggerate, I was actually being restrained. I remembered how good it felt to ride on the back of Josh’s scooter, my arms wrapped around him, my hands tucked into his pockets as we ascended the island in a downpour. Incredible.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ he said, reading my thoughts.
I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and buried my head into his shoulder. ‘Me too.’ It was muffled, but I knew he could hear me, because his arms wrapped tightly around me.
‘Hey, Sarah?’ The tone of his voice told me he was trying to sound nonchalant, but he was doing a crappy job of it.
I sat back. ‘Hey, Josh?’
‘I wanted to ask you about something.’ Oh no, we were back on James. He really needed to stop bringing him up, because James had been the last person on my mind for quite some time.
My face must have betrayed my thoughts, as always, because he back-pedalled immediately.
‘No, no, not that. Not about … that other thing. Something else.’
I breathed out in relief, ‘Okay.’
‘I was thinking while you slept … Have you – do you think you might want to go travelling? With me? Sometime soon? I was thinking about Hawaii. Neither of us have been and it’s pretty much halfway between Chicago and Sydney. I thought we could meet there, say, in a few months, and tour around …’
I realised my mouth was agape and shut it. He looked concerned. ‘You haven’t said anything. Say something. I’m rambling, and I’ll probably keep rambling until you say something. Sarah?’
You know how they say that in the moment before your death, your whole life flashes before your eyes? Well, during that moment, it wasn’t my whole life, but it was the whole trip – the
whole trip where I listened patiently to Josh talking about a life of bachelorhood. The whole trip where I’d suppressed the feelings I’d had, because Josh didn’t a want girlfriend. The whole trip – every moment when my stomach had done a little flip because he’d kissed me, or flirted with me, or just looked at me with that glint in his eye. The whole trip where I’d tried to inoculate myself to his charms and his jealousy over James, his possessiveness.
All that flooded through me, then washed away as I gazed into those steel grey eyes. He wanted me. Josh wanted me. ‘Okay.’
‘Really?’ he looked elated.
‘Really!’ I grinned back at him.
‘C’mon, we need to make plans.’ He grabbed my hand and led me back to our spot. He pulled his phone out of his bag, and tapped on the calendar app. ‘I want to see how the next few months look for me.’ He was intensely focused on his phone, while all I had to do was remember when the December school holidays started. Of course, there’d be Christmas with my family, but after that …
‘I could meet you for New Year’s Eve,’ I said.
‘New Year’s?’
I nodded. He beamed. ‘New Year’s in Hawaii. With you. That would be awesome. Let’s do it.’
‘Okay. So, how much time can you get off work? I’ll be on holidays until the end of January, so …’
‘Yeah, probably not that much time. I only get two weeks a year, and I’ve already taken eight workdays for this trip.’
‘Two weeks? Well, that totally sucks!’
‘Oh yeah, I forgot – all those vacation days teachers get.’
‘You cretin – we’ve already had that talk. At least in the US it’s actually a whole summer. I get, like, maybe six weeks off over summer.’
‘Six weeks?’
‘Yeah, yeah, anyway …’ I wanted to steer the conversation away from how easy it was, or wasn’t, to be a teacher. ‘How much time do you think you can get by then?’
‘I can probably take some unpaid leave. Say, ten days all up, including a weekend in the middle?’
‘We can make that work.’
‘Sarah, this is going to be awesome.’
I really hoped so. Who knew if Josh and I travelling together would even work? I suppose it was only ten days – the same length of time as the sailing trip had been. If it didn’t work out, we could always go our separate ways.
‘I’m in,’ I said. I could unpack whether or not it was a good idea when I got to London.
We passed the rest of the time using the ferry’s patchy Wi-Fi to investigate Hawaii and to look at flights out of Sydney and Chicago. Josh’s enthusiasm was infectious, and the time moved far too quickly.
It seemed like only minutes from when we’d decided to go to Hawaii to when the ferry docked at Athens. We packed away our things in silence and, as we made our way to the nearest exit with the other passengers, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Dread.
We descended several staircases and then the gangplank. When we reached solid ground, Josh took my free hand and led me away from the milling crowd. He turned to face me and we both put our bags on the ground.
‘What time’s your flight?’ he asked, even though I was sure he already knew.
I looked at my watch – I’d taken it out of my bag that morning and put it on for the first time in over a week. ‘Around three hours from now.’
He nodded and looked around us, his face stoic and unreadable. ‘I guess this is it, then.’
Tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t help it – they just appeared. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I didn’t want to let go. ‘Yep.’
He looked at me with such intensity that my breath caught and the tears spilt onto my face. He took my face in his hands and touched his lips to mine. The kiss was slow and sweet and perfect. I let it wash over me, succumbing to all the promise it held.
We pulled apart and Josh rested his forehead against mine. ‘Sarah?’ It was almost a whisper.
‘Yes.’ I dared not move, wanting to stay like that as long as possible.
‘Thanks for the sex.’
I threw my head back and laughed, a full-throated, wonderful laugh. Josh joined in. I wiped my tears and sighed. I put one hand on his chest. ‘You’re funny.’
‘I know. Look, this isn’t goodbye. Not for good. We’re going to Hawaii, okay?’
‘Yes. Hawaii. New Year’s.’ It was time to say goodbye. I needed to get in a taxi and get to the airport. I stood on my tippy-toes and wrapped my arms around his neck. He wrapped his around me and we held the hug for a few moments. I was glad he’d lightened the mood. Goodbyes are the worst and leaving with a smile was far better than leaving in tears.
‘So, we’ll speak soon, and make plans?’ I asked, letting him go.
‘Absolutely. I’ll call you in a couple of days when I get back to Chicago so we can coordinate our flights.’
‘Sounds good.’
‘It’s going to be so much fun, Sarah. We’re going to be travel buds again.’
Travel buds? What? Suddenly the romantic haze lifted. And I was there with a guy who I thought I might be falling in love with, but who had just called me his ‘bud’. It was like being slapped.
Josh didn’t seem to notice. ‘We need to get you a cab.’ He picked up our bags, one in each hand, and started walking to where the taxis were lined up to collect disembarking passengers. I followed numbly, and watched as he set the bags down and hailed the next taxi. Before I knew it, my backpack was in the boot, and he was holding the door open for me.
He pressed his mouth against mine. ‘I’m going to miss you, Sarah. I’m really going to miss you.’
‘Me too.’ I didn’t know what else to say. ‘I think I love you, Josh’ didn’t seem the appropriate thing to say to a ‘travel bud’. My stomach churned, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. It was time for the ‘being apart’ bit.
I kissed him again quickly and said, ‘Bye.’ I didn’t wait for a reply. I got into the back seat of the taxi and pulled the door shut. I looked up as it pulled away and Josh had what I can only describe as a sad smile on his face. He raised one hand and I did the same.
And that was it. The end of the trip.
I wondered if I really would see Josh again – if our trip to Hawaii would even happen. If I wanted it to happen. Travel buds? I rested my head back on the seat and watched as an ancient city rushed past the windows.
My phone beeped inside my handbag – a text message – and my heart leapt. He misses me already! I pulled out the phone and was stunned for half a moment to see that the name on the screen wasn’t Josh’s.
It was James.
Hello, beautiful. I can’t wait to see you. What day should we get together?
J x
Only hours before, Josh had asked me not to see James. But that was before he’d made it clear that ours was nothing more than a friendship – sure, it was a meaningful and lovely friendship, but how many times had Josh told me he didn’t want anything more? When was I finally going to get it?
My thumb hovered over the screen, hesitating.
I turned my phone off and put it back in my handbag. The one thing I was sure of was that I was in no state to make plans – with either man.
Less than two weeks earlier I’d embarked on a trip not knowing what would happen, who I’d meet, or how I’d feel when it was over. I’d hoped, at the very least, for some sort of rejuvenating experience like they mention in the brochures. Sun, sea, cocktails – that sort of thing.
How could I possibly have predicted I would return with more yearning than I’d left with? That I’d want to shake up my life so much, that I was considering a future with someone I’d only just met?
I felt raw. I’d have to fix that before I made any decisions about the silver fox and the sexy American boy.
In a few hours, I would be with my sister in her London flat, and for the next week, we’d hang out and talk and drink wine and go shopping. Be normal. That’s what I needed – to be norma
l and spend time with someone I was sure about – my closest friend, my sis. Get some clarity and perspective on everything. Surely, if I put James off for a few days he’d understand.
I wondered if Josh really would call like he’d said.
The taxi ride was uneventful. Checking in, flying, landing, immigration and baggage claim – all uneventful. I moved through these activities as if by rote, my mind churning with possibilities, and my heart oscillating between joy, excitement, fear, and sadness – a kaleidoscope of feelings and thoughts.
The sliding doors opened and I walked into a throng of people, all waiting for someone who wasn’t me. I could see the disappointment on their respective faces as they looked over my shoulder for the next arriving passenger.
‘Sez!’ My sister’s voice cut through the crowd, and I saw her with her arms outstretched. I dropped my bags as she ran over and enveloped me in a big hug – well, as big a hug as a tiny person can give.
‘Hey,’ I said, hugging her back. ‘I’ve only been gone ten days.’
‘I know, but I missed you. I’m so glad it’s half-term and we’ve got the whole week together. We’re going to have so much fun!’ Her enthusiasm was infectious, and I found myself grinning at her. And just being there with her made everything feel like it was going to be okay. No matter what happened, I would always have my little sis.
Like she had when I’d arrived a couple of weeks before, she took over steering the luggage trolley. I was shattered, so I let her. ‘All right. This way,’ she said, leading the way through the crowd to the car park. When we got to the car, away from the crowds, she turned to me and asked, ‘So? How was it?’
How was it?
It was going to take some time to answer that – and probably a few bottles of wine. I thought I’d start with the biggest thing that had happened.
‘Well, I think I might have met someone.’
Her mouth dropped open in a wide-eyed grin. ‘Wine,’ she declared. ‘We’re going to need lots and lots of wine.’ I laughed. It was exactly what I’d hoped she’d say.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book began as a love letter – to one of my favourite places in the world, Greece, but mostly to my partner, Ben, who I met on a pier in Santorini, just as we were about to embark on a ten-day sailing trip.
