Ashes To Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Ryan met Landon’s gaze in the mirror. “Do you know something I don’t?”

  Landon shook his head. “No, I don’t. I just have a feeling. But maybe Carter getting hurt like he did will force the two of them to actually talk to one another. Talking’s hard. People say it’s easy, then they yell at each other for not talking when it’s important. But actually coming up with the words and trying to figure out what you feel? That’s a lot harder than it should be.”

  Ryan glanced at his friend. He wasn’t sure if Landon was talking about Roxie and Carter or him and Kaylee, but it wasn’t like Ryan could ask. As his friend had said, talking was hard. And he wasn’t about to broach that subject when Landon wasn’t ready—or when Ryan had to think about Abby.

  “Has Michael stopped by again?” Landon asked, seemingly out of the blue.

  Ryan shook his head. “I haven’t seen him since he came by last night.” His brother had stopped by two other times over the past week, and Ryan had pushed him away each time. He hated doing it, but he knew it was for the best.

  Ryan had almost ended up in jail once because of Michael, and he wasn’t going to do it again. There was only one way to help his brother, and that was by making sure that Michael saw and confronted his own demons. Every time he came for food or money and Ryan gave in, Ryan ended up hurt, and Michael ended up in a worse downward spiral. Ryan had attempted to get Michael counseling, but he’d refused. He’d tried to get him treatment, and Michael had almost beaten Ryan to death.

  There was nothing Ryan could do except try to protect his own life and pray that, no matter what happened, Michael would land on his feet.

  Because he always did.

  “I just hope he doesn’t somehow find me on my date with Abby.”

  Landon narrowed his eyes. “It’s not going to happen. I know that you’ve already had to push your brother away numerous times, but you might have to do it again if he comes after you with her. I’m just saying.”

  “I know. And it sucks. But I’m going on a date with a woman I respect and admire. And now I want to throw up because if I fuck this up, I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “You’re not going to fuck this up.”

  “You know Abby, Landon. She’s soft. She’s gentle. And she’s been through hell and back. I can’t believe she said yes.”

  “She said yes because you’re a catch. Because you’re a good man, and you’re not as rough-and-tumble as you think. She said yes because she likes you. And if you both go slow, if you are as gentle as you think she is, you’ll be fine.”

  “You’re not going to threaten my balls like the rest of them did?” Ryan said with a laugh.

  “I want nothing to do with your balls, Ryan. Contrary to what others think, I really don’t care for that particular part of your anatomy.”

  Ryan threw a hand towel at Landon and then laughed. He needed his friends. Because sometimes, he felt like he was all alone, staring into an abyss full of the answers to the problems he had made for himself. He knew that Michael wasn’t gone forever. His parents might be, their decisions forever weighing on him, but Michael would be back.

  Though for now, he was going to push those thoughts to the side.

  Because tonight was about him and Abby.

  Tonight was about another first. And no matter what, he wasn’t going to fuck it up.

  Chapter Five

  Abby answered the door after the first ring and almost swallowed her tongue at the sight before her. Ryan looked hot.

  Of course she’d known he was hot, especially considering that she hadn’t been able to take her eyes off of him whenever he walked into a room.

  But tonight he wore dark jeans and a black button-up, all under a thick leather jacket.

  It might be cold outside, but it was sure hot in here.

  Apparently, her mind was now making really bad jokes, but she couldn’t really help herself.

  “You look amazing,” Ryan said softly. “Seriously amazing.”

  She smiled and looked down at herself. She wore tall, knee-high black boots over her thick tights that were a criss-cross plaid. Then she had on a nice knitted wrap dress that showcased her curves but not so much that she felt self-conscious. She’d left her hair down in soft waves that had actually taken her a while to get right.

  Her hair was sort of a fluffy mess if she didn’t handle it in just the right way. It was either not curly enough or too curly. Other days, it was a little straight, a little flat, or a mix of everything all at once.

  So she had spent some time getting ready, trying to make sure that she didn’t look like a complete crazy woman when she went on her date.

  Ryan didn’t seem to mind her hair or her curves, considering that she had a good amount of cleavage in this dress.

  Not too much, and not too little. Just right.

  Apparently, she was going to be running Goldilocks through her head during this date.

  Yes, she’d dated since Max, but those two times didn’t really count in her head. They hadn’t lasted more than the one date each, and she definitely didn’t have the same butterflies she did now.

  Why was she doing this again?

  Ryan smiled at her. Oh yeah, that’s why.

  “You look nice yourself,” she said, her voice far too breathy. “I just need to get my bag and my jacket.”

  “No problem. Is Julia in tonight? Or is she off at the babysitter’s?”

  Abby sucked in a breath when Ryan helped her with her coat, his breath warm on the back of her neck. He’d moved her hair out of the way so he could slide her jacket over her shoulders, and she tried not to shiver at his touch or nearness.

  This was just a first date. She knew Ryan. They were friends.

  She didn’t have to freak out about this.

  But, apparently, that was exactly what she was going to do.

  “She’s at Mace and Adrienne’s. Shep and Shea offered since Livvy and Julia are like best friends now, but Adrienne sort of drove over and kidnapped my daughter.”

  Ryan snorted, shaking his head.

  Abby grabbed her bag, smiling as well. “I know, the Montgomerys are a little bit insane.”

  “But that’s why we love them.” She locked up behind herself and then walked out to Ryan’s car, letting him close the door behind her, even though she could have done it herself.

  She kind of liked being taken care of, but maybe that was because it was Ryan. He and the Montgomerys didn’t try to take care of her in a way that said they thought she couldn’t do it on her own.

  They just wanted to help. And like she’d said before, she was doing better at accepting that help. Even if it was one small step at a time. Of course, she was just going to have to keep thinking of life as one step at a time if she didn’t want to fall in love herself. It was easier said than done.

  “So I didn’t actually ask where we’re going. All you said was to dress nicely casual, which is not that helpful.”

  Ryan laughed. “Yeah, sorry about that. I was picking between two different places, seeing which one would need a reservation.”

  “A reservation? Look at you, getting all fancy.”

  He grinned at her as he pulled out of the driveway. “I can’t help it. I’m just the kind of fancy guy you think I am.”

  She glanced at the tattoos peeking out from the cuff at his wrist and figured, yes, he was just as fancy as he needed to be.

  “Anyway, we’re going down to that new Italian place. Mace said he and Adrienne really like it, and they don’t take reservations. But I called ahead, just to make sure there wasn’t that long of a wait. So we’re good right now. There was another place that’s more like a deli that I figured you might like, but they did need reservations.”

  Abby shook her head. Colorado Springs was growing by leaps and bounds with each passing day. New people, higher-priced homes, and new restaurants made the city feel like it was booming, even if it still felt like the place she had come to when she needed to heal. She just wond
ered what it would feel like in a couple more years when they were out of space and all that was left were people and the mountains they could see everywhere they looked.

  “I’ve been to that deli place, it’s not really a deli. It’s more like a harvest area where they try to tell you exactly how homegrown and farm-to-table all of the meals are. In detail.”

  Ryan grinned, getting onto the highway. “Yeah, I know. Good food, but even with the reservations, I wasn’t sure that you really wanted a lecture before our date.”

  “Well, at least it would give us something to talk about if things got awkward.”

  There was silence.

  Well…speaking of awkward.

  “You know, I didn’t think of that. Maybe I should have made reservations.”

  She pushed at his arm, and he grinned over his shoulder as he turned off the highway. “You’re mean.”

  “You’re the one who brought up awkwardness. But, I figured we’re friends first, right? And if we can’t figure out something to talk about, we can always bring up the Montgomerys or Julia. Or keep stuffing our faces full of food so we don’t actually have to think about it.”

  “I like that idea. Although I might gain ten pounds tonight if I get too nervous.”

  Ryan parked and looked over her body. “You know, I’d be okay with that. Or you staying just the way you are.” He winced. “I was trying to say that you look hot, but I feel like I sort of mansplained to you about your own body. Please ignore me.”

  She shook her head, laughing as she undid her seatbelt. “Well, at least we’re starting the awkward talk early.”

  Ryan just shook his head as the two of them got out of the car and she met him around the front. He took her hand then, and she smiled. “Okay?” he asked.

  “Okay.” And it was okay. Just because this was a first date didn’t mean that she had to overthink every single movement. Because, in the end, no matter what, Abby still wanted to remain Ryan’s friend. Even if this all turned to hell, and their chemistry really was just friendship with a touch of butterflies? She wanted him in her life.

  She’d already lost enough, and she didn’t want to forfeit the friendship she’d already made.

  Ryan squeezed her hand as they walked into the restaurant. “Abby? You doing all right?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, just getting a little too introspective. Ignore me.”

  “The problem is, Abby, I can’t ignore you.”

  She swallowed hard as they followed the hostess to their table. Ryan said all the right things at the right times. She couldn’t help but wonder why she couldn’t seem to do the same.

  She didn’t know what to say to him to explain that she really did enjoy his company. Maybe she should just say those words out loud, but she didn’t want to scare him.

  She was really bad at this. She always had been. It was a wonder that Max had taken to her at all.

  And…she should probably stop thinking about Max since she was on a date.

  “So, do you have any food allergies I should worry about?”

  Abby shook her head at Ryan’s question. “No, although I probably shouldn’t eat a whole bowl of pasta. Maybe I should add a veggie or some protein to it.”

  “True, although I could probably eat a whole bowl of pasta right now. I think I was too nervous to eat all day.” Ryan winced, shaking his head. “Forget I said that. Pretend I’m all manly and confident and know what I’m doing.”

  Abby grinned, sipping her water. “Thank God. Because I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  “Yay, that makes two of us. Should make for some rousing conversation.”

  “And if we do get that big bowl of pasta, it means we can eat more when things get awkward.”

  Ryan raised his water glass in a toast, and she laughed. Maybe they could do this. After all, they were just Ryan and Abby. Friends.

  And totally not freaking out, even if they were doing it together.

  Maybe. “So, how was work?” Ryan asked.

  They had already given their orders to the waiter and were now sipping on a nice house red wine. It was part of happy hour, thankfully. She knew that both she and Ryan liked to save their money. And she knew that Ryan would only have one glass, considering that he’d already told her as much. She only wanted one glass as well because she needed to keep her wits about her. Plus, she wanted to make sure that when she went to pick up Julia later, she wasn’t completely intoxicated.

  Being a single mom wasn’t easy, but she was figuring it out.

  At least, she hoped she was.

  The food came, and she dug into her scallop linguine. She didn’t usually go for seafood, but it sounded amazing. Ryan got the chicken piccata with a little side of Alfredo. The fact that he had gotten an extra side of pasta just made them both laugh.

  “It’s really for both of us,” he said once the waiter had left. “Just in case we say something stupid and need to stuff our faces with pasta.”

  She smiled, glancing at the Alfredo. “It looks amazing.”

  He looked up at her. “Everything looks pretty damn amazing.”

  They dug in, talking about their jobs and Julia between bites. They didn’t talk too much about family or anything too serious. She knew that this was a decent first-date conversation and going into anything too serious would be hurtful. Maybe not for him, but definitely for her.

  “So, we doing pretty good for our first date?” Ryan asked after they had been eating for a bit.

  “I think so,” she said, setting her fork and knife down. “It’s been a while since I went on a first date. Or at least a good one.”

  “Really? So those other dates that you went on really sucked?”

  She shook her head. “I’ve only been on two dates since Max, and they were okay. Nothing to write home about. I think this one’s going much better. My first date with Max? That one sucked. I’m not going to lie. There was tuna fish involved, and a broken-down car. But it still ended pretty nicely.”

  She smiled, then froze, realizing exactly what she had been talking about.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean to bring him up.”

  Ryan reached out and gripped her hand, giving it a squeeze. But he didn’t let go. “Max is part of your life. He’s Julia’s father, and you loved him. You were going to marry him. If you want to talk about Max the whole night, I’ll listen. It’s still a date, even if we talk about other people. He was part of your life. He’s still a big part of it. So don’t worry. I like to hear about him. You smile when you talk about him, and that makes me happy. Because if you didn’t smile, if it hurt you too much, then I would know you weren’t ready for this. So, talk away.”

  She wiped away a tear, giving him a watery smile. “Sometimes, Ryan, I think you’re a little too good to be true.”

  “You say that, but you haven’t seen me try to vacuum. I kind of suck at vacuuming. And dusting. Okay, I suck at cleaning.”

  She rolled her eyes, laughed, and continued their conversation. She only brought Max up a few more times, but she couldn’t help it. Ryan just let her relax. And when she did, she talked about things that were important to her. Ryan was right, Max was still important to her. She would always love him. But she knew that she was moving on, or at least trying to.

  She didn’t feel bad about thinking about Max when she was with Ryan. Maybe others would have, but Ryan made it easy.

  Ryan made a lot of things easy.

  Maybe that should have worried her, and honestly, it did a little, but the food was nice, the conversation was much easier than she’d thought it would be, and Ryan made her smile.

  There were those butterflies again, the ones that made her think. The ones that made her not exactly yearn but want something.

  “So, Julia really tried to eat all the chocolate when you weren’t looking?”

  They were having their after-dinner coffees, something that she didn’t normally do when she went out. But neither of them had wanted the night to end
yet, and they were enjoying themselves. The place was busy, but it didn’t look like the waiter was trying to push them out of their seats yet, so they stayed.

  “Seriously, the first time she learned to crawl, she somehow got through the child-protection locks and tried to eat an entire bar of chocolate. My hidden stash. The one that I even tried to hide from myself because it was way too good—and a little too pricey.”

  Ryan laughed, his hand still on hers. Every once in a while, his thumb would brush along the flesh between her thumb and her pointer finger, and she’d hold back a shiver. She didn’t even know if he was doing it on purpose. He was just touching her. As if he wanted to touch her.

  She really, really liked it.

  “Well, chocolate is the food of the gods. She’s just learning early.”

  “I think too early. I don’t even know when children are allowed to have chocolate. Well, I did, but all of those things just leave my mind when they’re no longer important because I keep thinking of all the new things I need to know about kids.”

  “It’s a little insane how many dos and don’ts and rules and regulations and everything it takes to have a kid these days.”

  “Well, children are hard.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Even though we’re not that old, I just feel like we’re closer to the generation that threw their kids in the back of a pickup without seat belts than we are to the kids with all of the regulations. Not that I’m saying those are wrong. I kind of like the fact that I was forced to wear a helmet as a kid and always have a seat belt on. It kept me alive.” He winced. “Sorry.”

  “It’s fine, Ryan. It’s amazing how many things we say on a day-to-day basis that have to do with death. I didn’t realize it until I witnessed it firsthand. I lost Max, and I swear every single person at least once a day made a comment about how they were going to die if they didn’t have this, or that something was killing them, or that their heart was beating so fast it could explode out of their chests, or they were going brain-dead. We just have those things in our vernacular. We don’t mean them the way they sound. But when you’re attuned to that, you can’t help but notice it.”