Ashes To Ink

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Maybe if they’d been younger, the idea that they were planning ahead would have been presumptuous, but not now. Having condoms on any date, just in case, was smart. It wasn’t saying that you had to have sex, it meant that you wanted to be able to have sex if you wanted to. And that you weren’t going to make a mistake by going bare on the first date. Accidental pregnancies and diseases were no joke, and he wasn’t going to risk Abby or himself because they hadn’t been thinking ahead.

  He quickly went to the drawer she’d indicated and pulled one out. He had one in his pocket, but for some reason, he wanted to use hers. He’d gone damn insane. And then he pulled out a second condom and put it on the nightstand.

  He winked at her. “Just in case.”

  “I think I said something about stripping you, but I think…I think I just want to watch you do it.” Suddenly, she had one hand on her pussy, and the other on her breast as she watched him. The fact that she was getting herself off right in front of him?

  Hottest. Thing. Ever.

  He was very lucky he didn’t come immediately.

  He didn’t think he’d ever stripped so fast. He almost choked himself with the buttons on his shirt, but that the idea she didn’t laugh at him and instead continued to touch herself had to count as a win.

  “You’re so damn hot,” he said as he rolled the condom over his dick.

  “Same to you. Now, really, if you could just get in me. That would be great.”

  Ryan grinned and then crawled over her, leaving a soft kiss on each of her breasts, her neck, and then her lips on his way up her body.

  “I’ve been thinking about this for probably longer than I should have,” he said, honestly.

  “Same.” She searched his eyes, and he gave her a nod.

  “Are you ready for me?”

  “Yes. But, Ryan? It’s been a while. So go slow.”

  He nodded again, having already guessed that. She might’ve gone on a couple of dates, but the way she had talked about them, he knew they hadn’t gone well. He’d be the first person since Max. And that was why it wasn’t just the two of them in the house. And he was okay with that.

  He truly was.

  He didn’t want her to forget the person she had loved before.

  But he also wanted to make this good for her, to make this just about them. At least for the few moments they had.

  So he kissed her, placed himself at her entrance, and slowly slid into her. She tensed below him before melting. She was right, it had been a while for her. She was tight. Almost impossibly tight. But that was okay. He slowly worked his way in and out of her as he used one hand on her clit to make it easier for both of them. The other roamed her body before landing in her hair, helping to keep his mouth on hers as he kissed her.

  They made love slowly, softly. Maybe they would go harder next time, and maybe there would be no next time. He hoped there was, but right then, nothing else mattered. It was just the two of them, only them. And so, when she came again, he caught her scream with his mouth. And then he came inside the condom deep inside her, pumping hot and hard. She was his, if only for the moment.

  He wiped away the single tear that had fallen down her cheek, and he didn’t feel bad about it.

  He didn’t know if he could.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

  “You’re not so bad yourself. Thank you for tonight,” she whispered.

  He grinned.

  “I probably shouldn’t have said that while you’re still inside me but thank you.”

  He kissed her again and then slowly slid out of her before taking care of the condom. He found a washrag in her bathroom, got it wet with warm water, and then went to clean her up. He kept his eyes on her, one hand holding hers, their fingers entangled as he wiped between her legs. They had used a condom, but he still wanted to make sure she was taken care of.

  “You’re pretty great, Ryan. Just saying.”

  He kissed her again. “And you’re pretty great, too. Thank you for tonight,” he whispered.

  “I think we already said that.”

  “Maybe. But I think I’ve lost the ability to make my brain work and actually use words.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.” Then she sat up and swung her legs to the edge of the bed. That left him standing between her thighs, so he kissed her again.

  “I have to text Adrienne soon and see if I’m going to pick up Julia or if she’s going to drop her off. I know that’s not the sexiest thing to say while we’re both naked. But real life tends to get in the way of things like that.”

  He traced her jaw with his fingertip and nodded.

  “I understand. Julia’s number one. She should be. I’m going to kiss you again, and then I’m going to get dressed and leave. But, Abby? I hope you don’t have any regrets. Tonight was…tonight was amazing, and not just what we did in this bedroom. And I’m going to see you at work, and hopefully, I’ll see you again afterwards. So, tonight? Tonight was great. Tonight was you and me. I enjoyed myself. I hope you did too.”

  He hoped he was saying the right things because it wasn’t easy trying to figure out what was the right thing to do and say when it came to the woman in front of him. She had a life of her own. She was a single mom. Julia would always come first, and Ryan would never be annoyed with that. But he also didn’t want to move too fast or make promises that he couldn’t keep.

  His brother would likely make sure he wouldn’t be able to keep those promises, after all.

  Abby leaned forward and kissed his chest. “Thank you. And I’ll see you at work. And, yes, I think I’d like to see you outside of it, too.”

  Then he kissed her again but didn’t say another word.

  He didn’t want to ruin the moment with something stupid like asking her if she was really okay. Because after all, she would have to deal with her feelings regarding the fact that he had been the first person she’d been with since Max. He didn’t know what to say about that and didn’t want to encroach on her feelings. He would be there if she wanted to talk about it, even if it might be awkward.

  He just really didn’t want to make a mistake. He was good at those.

  So he got dressed and watched as she did the same.

  And then he kissed her before he left, wondering when he would get to see her again.

  Wondering if this had all been a dream.

  Because it had been perfect.

  And nothing with him was ever perfect.

  Chapter Seven

  Abby knew the others knew exactly what had gone on during and after her date with Ryan the night before, and she hadn’t even said a word. Apparently, it was written all over her face.

  She’d had sex.

  Dirty sex.

  Emotional sex.

  Damn good sex.

  And her best friends knew.

  Oh, they knew.

  And now they were sitting in Thea’s bakery, teas and coffees in their hands, staring at her with expectant looks on their faces. She would have to confess it all.

  Because they might know, but they’d still want all the details.

  It was how this whole friendship thing worked.

  “So, are you going to tell us how your date went last night?” Adrienne asked, her eyes full of warmth as a smile tugged at her lips.

  “Um.” Abby knew she should have said something other than a word that wasn’t really a word, but she didn’t know how she was going to explain it.

  She hadn’t known what she was going to say, hadn’t known how the date would go. It had been, well…she didn’t want to say perfect because she, more than anyone, knew that nothing was perfect—except for her daughter—but it had been pretty darn close.

  “Is that um a good um?” Thea asked, coming over with more pastries for them. They were in Thea’s bakery, newly reopened since it had been closed for a little bit after the explosion that hurt Roxie’s husband, Carter, and Thea herself.

  Abby couldn’t quite believe everything t
hat had preceded those events or that her friends had actually been hurt.

  But Roxie had said that Carter would recover nicely, and Thea was up and walking around. In fact, the other woman looked so happy and in love with Dimitri, the man that completed her in every way, that Abby figured that maybe she could put what had happened at the bakery behind them.

  Of course, they’d probably be able to do that easier if Carter hadn’t been hurt as badly as he had been.

  So the bakery was open again minus the updated renovation that Abby knew Thea had wanted to do. They were also short an oven, but everything else was fine. The damage hadn’t been as extensive as everyone thought in the beginning, and Abby was grateful for that. She had missed the bakery the few days it had been closed. She had missed her friends.

  “It went great.” She put her hands over her face and groaned. “Why am I making it sound like it was horrendous?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?” Kaylee asked, sipping her tea.

  Kaylee was relatively new to their friendship circle. Newer than even Abby was. Kaylee was their Brushes with Lushes artist and coach. At least once a month, they went to Kaylee’s art studio, drank some wine, and tried to learn how to paint. Everyone was much better than Abby was, although Roxie tended to be really hard on herself.

  But Kaylee was their friend now, and Abby enjoyed opening up her circle just a little bit more to accommodate the woman. Something was going on with Kaylee, something that Abby didn’t know the details of, but she had a feeling it had to do with Landon. Not that any of them were going to ask Kaylee, because the woman would probably just walk away after she gave them a look that shriveled them down to their bones. Kaylee was good at that, even though she was one of the sweetest people that Abby knew.

  It didn’t help that everybody’s current focus was on Abby and Ryan, and not Kaylee and Landon. Well, Abby and Ryan as well as Roxie and Carter. But they weren’t going to talk about that couple either.

  Because Abby didn’t know if there were answers for any of that.

  “Abby?” Adrienne asked again, pulling Abby out of her tangled thoughts.

  Yes, she was worried about her friends, but it wasn’t like she could just up and ask them what was bothering them. If it was something as easy as a stubbed toe or just a bad day, she could ask, but there were so many other layers to these topics, and that made it complicated. She didn’t have any right to dig into it or try to help. Because she, more than most, knew that forcing someone to talk about something that they weren’t ready for only made things worse in the end. Her former friends up in Denver—not the Gallaghers or the Montgomerys—had tried to tell her that everything happened for a reason. That losing Max had a purpose in the end.

  She hadn’t wanted to speak to them again after that.

  What purpose did losing the love of your life serve? What did Julia never getting to meet her father mean?

  There hadn’t been a purpose, only life. Only death.

  And when the others started to drift away from her because they hadn’t been able to deal with her grief, she let them.

  Her friends here didn’t pry. Oh, they were sticking their noses in right then when it had to do with Ryan, but they wouldn’t pry unless she needed them to. And the fact that they were such good friends meant that they knew when to do it or not.

  Right then, her meddling when it came to Roxie or Kaylee and how they were feeling, or why they were feeling it, was not appropriate.

  Eventually, she would. At some point, she would try to help.

  But for now, she knew they needed space.

  She didn’t. She was ready to talk.

  “Okay, so the date was amazing.” She knew there was warmth in her tone, even if there was also a little confusion.

  The others clapped their hands, everyone looking happy, although Roxie and Kaylee looked slightly…off.

  But they had both been quiet recently—too quiet.

  Again, Abby would ask them if she could help when the time came. But now was not that time.

  “And?” Thea asked, finally sitting down. Thea was constantly moving around, especially considering that she was still working, but she had also hired another staffer, who was doing really well for everyone and allowed Thea to have something called a life.

  Abby couldn’t wait for one of those of her own.

  A life and help beyond the people she borrowed from Thea.

  “And I had fun. We went out to dinner, we talked. We talked a lot.”

  “About what?” Adrienne asked.

  “About Julia, work, and even Max.” She winced, and Thea reached out and patted her hand.

  “He was always going to come up, don’t you think?” Thea asked, her voice gentle.

  “I know. And Ryan didn’t seem bothered by it at all. I don’t think I talked about Max for all the hours we were together, but I did mention him a lot. But then again, you’re right, he was a huge part of my life. He still is because of Julia. Even Ryan said as much. Of course, Max would probably still be a huge part of my life even if I didn’t have Julia.”

  “I can’t say that I know what you mean, but I understand. He was the love of your life.” This time, Adrienne winced. “I don’t know if I can say that, not anymore. I’m sorry.”

  Abby shook her head. “No, you’re right. I always call Max the love of my life. And I don’t know how I’m going to use the verbiage from now on after this. Because, yes, Max was the love of my life, and I will always love him. But I don’t know what will happen if I fall for someone else.” She quickly shook her head. “Not that I’m saying I’m actually going to fall for Ryan, but it’s the idea that I was actually happy last night that makes it all mixed up in my head. And it’s the idea that I have to come up with what I feel because I need the words, but I don’t want to compare to what I had, even though I’m always going to try at first. That’s how my brain works.”

  “You’re so strong,” Adrienne said and then shook her head. “Nope. Forget I said that. I know you hate when I say that.”

  Abby sat up a little straighter. “You do?”

  “I noticed that you don’t actually say anything but, yes, your eyes get narrower any time someone says that to you. I’ve been doing my best not to say it, but sometimes I just don’t know what to say, and those are the words that pop out.”

  “I’m sorry. I think it’s just a tic at this point.”

  “And it makes sense,” Thea put in. “But why don’t you tell us about the rest of the night? Because I heard from a reliable source that you didn’t pick up Julia until much later than dinner would suggest.”

  Abby just grinned. “I have no idea what you mean.”

  “I saw your face, young lady,” Adrienne said, trying her best to be prim and proper. But the piercings and the tattoos ruined the look a bit. “I saw the way you looked, and I saw how you purposely didn’t look me in the eye because you didn’t want to talk about it in front of Julia. And I let that pass. I’ve let a full morning pass, and yet we’re here for girl time, and it’s time for you to tell us what happened. And how much you liked it. And everything else. I mean, I can go in the back and get a baguette if you’d like to discuss measurements.”

  Abby threw her head back and laughed, the others joining in.

  “You are not going into my kitchen to look for a baguette,” Thea said, her voice stern. Although there was laughter dancing in her eyes, so Abby wasn’t quite sure if Thea meant it. For all she knew, there was a baguette or something a little thicker that might join them at the table soon.

  At that thought, Abby knew she was blushing, the heat of her cheeks warming her body.

  “So?” Kaylee asked, her voice soft. “Should I ask how it was, or how you’re feeling? Because I want to know both. We love you, Abby, and the fact that you’re smiling like this? I think I love you a little more for it.”

  “And I think I could hug Ryan for it, too,” Roxie put in.

  Abby bit her lip and stirred her tea as she looked
at her friends. “I didn’t mean to sleep with him on the first date, but it just happened.”

  She was keeping her voice low, but they were at the special corner table where Thea knew that others couldn’t really hear well. It’s why she always sat them there. Abby didn’t mind, and she knew that if any of the men came in for sweets, she would just pretend that she totally wasn’t talking about having sex with Ryan.

  She also knew that she couldn’t stay here long and talk about it, because one of Thea’s part-timers was working over at the tea shop, picking up hours that Abby could barely afford. They were testing it out, and Abby was doing her best to not think about it. But, hopefully, it would work out, and the new person could get some needed money while Abby got some needed help.

  And if she kept thinking about work and money, maybe she wouldn’t blush as hard when she thought about Ryan.

  “Hello?” Adrienne said, waving her hand in front of Abby’s face.

  “We need the deets.” Adrienne grinned, and Abby rolled her eyes.

  “I’m not giving you details.”

  “Um, yes you are,” Thea said, grinning. “We gave you details.”

  “And yet I’m a little worried that we know way too much about each other’s sex lives.”

  “At least you have a sex life,” Kaylee muttered and then looked over at everyone, her eyes wide. “Forget I said that. This isn’t about me, this is all about you and Ryan.”

  “Oh, we’re going to come back to that later,” Adrienne said. “But we’ll let you slide. Just for now. Because I know Abby needs to get back to the shop, and we need to know exactly what happened with Ryan. Every single little detail you want to share.”

  “You shouldn’t have added the you want to share part,” Roxie said, smiling for the first time. “Because now she’s just going to tell you nothing.”

  “Fine, I’ll tell you a little.”

  “Oh, don’t say little when we’re talking about sex with Ryan,” Adrienne said, grinning.

  “Fine.”

  “And don’t say fine,” Thea put in.

  “If you would like me to continue, I’ll actually tell you something. Or if you’d just like to keep cutting me off, I’ll go have some tea in my shop.” Abby smiled as she said it, and everybody rolled their eyes, leaning forward as if they were afraid she might whisper what she had to say.