Amish Second Loves

by Samantha Price

  Walking inside, the first thing she saw was her friend in the hallway.

  Moira quickly whipped her head around when the door closed with a loud thud. “Oh Selma, you’re back so soon?” she asked, her happy demeanor turned into one of confusion. “Wait, what’s wrong? Why do you look so devastated?” she asked.

  Slowly looking up at Moira, Selma frowned and shook her head. “I look like I’m crushed, because I am,” she replied. “Can we talk about this elsewhere? I’m rather exhausted and need to sit down.”

  “Of course,” Moira said, motioning for Selma to follow her into the living room.

  When they both sat on the sofa, Selma looked at Moira and sighed loudly before explaining everything. “It’s Michael. He doesn’t think he has much more time. He feels like he’s dying and doesn’t want to be a burden to me. Even though I would truly rather take care of him every day than to be without him.”

  She coughed and then continued. “I told him that I would care for him for the rest of his days, but that meant nothing to him. He wants me to return to Coulson County and forget about him. I can do one of those things, but not both.”

  Selma watched Moira carefully as tears welled up in her eyes. She saw her friend’s pursed lips form into a pout as her normally smooth forehead formed a frown.

  “Listen, I know that we do not always see eye to eye, but I think he’s just scared. Something like that could make even the bravest person terrified. I know how he feels, though. I’d never like to be a burden on anyone,” Moira explained.

  “Oh. Well I know he’s afraid, but it is possible that he could make a complete recovery and be back to his old self in a matter of weeks or months,” Selma said. “And how he could see it as a burden for me to care for the man I …, never mind,” Selma paused while shaking her head.

  “To a man like Mr. Stutzman, who has always worked as much as he could to provide for his family and to help his friends, losing the ability to function normally would be heartbreaking. Perhaps his reasoning is two-fold. One, he doesn’t want your life to become nothing more than looking after a dying man. Two, he knows that it would bother him if he had to be waited on day and night like someone who was frail and helpless. Michael has almost always been a kind, friendly man, but we all have our dark side and maybe he is trying to save you from his. And even if that’s how he’s thinking right now, it doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind. When he sees his condition improving, I can’t imagine he’d still want you to leave.”

  Selma looked away, letting a sigh escape her lips as she glanced around the room. She hoped to find some kind of reason to stay. Looking back at Moira, she swallowed the lump in her throat and spoke softly. “I think he’s right, though. No matter what his reasons truly are. Maybe I should just go away and never come back.”

  Moira gasped and leaned closer to her. “You cannot possibly mean that,” she said.

  “Why not? It would make everyone happier, even Michael, now.” Selma was too weary to cry anymore.

  “I don’t think it would make anyone happier, to be honest. Even Adam has been talking very highly of you, and so has Jacob. My baby is nearly due to be born, and I certainly don’t want you to go back home yet,” Moira confessed.

  Despite her honesty and kind words, Selma just didn’t think staying would be in her best interest after hearing Michael’s words. “Would you be okay if I were to go home soon?” Selma stared at Moira.

  “Jah, I’d be okay. I have my mudder nearby to help but are you sure that is what you want to do?” Moira replied. “I don’t want you to go; Tom and I love having you here.”

  Selma nodded. “I think it is time to go. Are you sure your mudder would help? I don’t see her around very often,” Selma said.

  “Well, that’s because she’s a peculiar woman; always has been,” Moira explained. “When I was young, Hazel and I used to be left alone often. My mudder is a loving person, but she has always preferred to be alone where possible. That led to us always ending up over at the Stutzmans’ home. Mrs. Stutzman was nothing like mudder; she enjoyed being around others and sharing her happiness with everyone. She taught us a lot about life and things our parents should have taught us.”

  Selma stared at Moira and knew that Moira was telling her that Anna Stutzman was the woman who’d ‘mothered’ her.

  Moira continued, “That’s why you don’t see my her around too often. She just likes to be alone, but she would help with the baby if I needed her to.”

  Selma paused, looking at her friend in a different light. Right in that very moment, she finally understood everything so much clearer. But why hadn’t Moira ever explained that to her before? She looked down and sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” she said. “I didn’t know how special Anna was to you.”

  “How could you know? There’s no way you could’ve,” Moira replied. “But that’s just why my sister and I are so close to Mr. Stutzman and his family. The two families were as close as two families could ever be. I do want to see Michael happy. I just didn’t want him to forget Anna in the process.”

  “I think it is fairly safe to say that such a thing would never happen,” Selma insisted. “Just because his heart might yearn to feel love once more doesn’t mean it will ever forget its first love. Mrs. Stutzman will always be in his heart, even if he marries again. I guess that’s not much of a concern anymore, is it?” she said, sobbing once more, this time into the palms of her hands.

  Moira placed her hand on Selma’s shoulder and patted it gently. “I hate to see you sad, Selma. I think you’re letting what Michael said get to you much more than it should. Give him some time to get better and to see that his life doesn’t have to be over just yet. I honestly believe that he will come around, and if you’re already back in Coulson County when he does, it might be too late,” she said. “You must stay.”

  Slowly pulling her hands from her face, Selma looked at Moira and smiled as best she could. “Denke for the kind words, but maybe it’s already too late. I tried to argue with him, and I told him that I didn’t want to leave, but he was adamant. What if I was to stay and it did nothing but upset him?”

  “I really don’t believe it would,” Moira said. “You’re here to help me with this little bundle of joy.” Moira rubbed her belly. “He’s not the kind of man to put himself before others, even when he’s scared for his life.”

  “I suppose you’re right. Perhaps I could wait a little longer to make such a final decision,” Selma said. “But I’m worried. I don’t want to hold onto a slither of hope if none truly exists.”

  “I can assure you that he doesn’t really want you to leave. In his mind, saving you from himself might be the only way he knows to avoid causing you unhappiness. He’s truly selfless. He doesn’t know that you love him so much that you want to look after him.”

  Selma lounged back on the sofa and sighed, staring off into the distance. She wondered what to do, but her heart had already made up its mind for the most part. After getting lost in a barrage of thoughts and emotions, she sat back up and turned to Moira. “I think you’re right,” she said.

  Moira smiled and looked at her, seemingly glad to hear that admission. “I think so too,” she replied. “So, does that mean you’re going to stay?”

  Shaking her head, Selma sighed and closed her eyes. “I think it means that I should go back home until things have changed. If your mudder helps you throughout the remainder of your pregnancy, then I’m not really needed here.”

  Moira frowned as she stared at Selma. “But, you said that you thought that what I said was right?”

  “You are right. Mr. Stutzman will feel better in time, and maybe then his mind will have changed. Even if not, however, I’m sure you’ll need me much more then than you do now. Perhaps if I take his advice and leave, but come back when your boppli is finally born, things could be better. And, if they aren’t, then I’ll stay for you, Tom, and the little one,” Selma explained. “Besides, I should go and check on those cats
that Jeremiah is looking after.”

  Moira nodded and smiled, rubbing at her eyes. “If that’s what you want to do then. My mudder will try her best, but like I said earlier, she’s always had a hard time with kinner, even her own. My sisters would both be more than happy to help, but they’re both so busy and probably wouldn’t be able to help out much.”

  “Well, you don’t have to worry about any of that. I’ll certainly come back to help you, but I just think I need to get away for a while. Seeing Michael in that hospital bed every day has been very challenging, and after showing up every day despite that, he still wants to cast me away. I’ve got feelings too, you know?”

  “I know, but sometimes people can only see their own view of the world, especially when they’re unwell.”

  “I think this is the only way that a relationship could ever work. He clearly needs to be alone right now, and it probably wouldn’t hurt me either. If I can’t give him this, how good of a woman can I really be?” Selma asked.

  “You’re a great woman. And, I am dreadfully sorry that I wasn’t happy about the two of you at first,” Moira said. “However, you are making a lot of sense. Honor his wishes, come back when Tom and I need you, and then perhaps Gott will be ready to place the two of you together.”

  “Maybe,” Selma said biting her lip.

  “I still don’t want to see you leave, but if this might lead to your happiness and Michael’s later on, then that will be good. Just make sure you come back to us!”

  Chapter 10

  One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord,

  and to enquire in his temple.

  Psalm 27:4

  * * *

  “I suppose I should go pack my belongings,” Selma said, wiping away another tear from her cheek.

  Moira frowned, shook her head and looked down, almost as if in shame. “I wish you would stay, but whatever you think is best,” she replied, looking back up at her friend with a forced smile.

  Even Moira couldn’t give her advice, but Selma didn’t think that there were any other viable options other than returning to Coulson County. She had to just leave everything up to fate; if she and Michael were meant to be together, she wanted with all her heart to believe that it would happen despite how bleak the future looked right then.

  Selma nodded to Moira and then turned away to head to her bedroom. Even though she didn’t own much in the way of material possessions, it was going to be a long night of packing and preparing for her. The trip home probably wouldn’t be very enjoyable either, she thought. As she walked down the long hallway toward the room, she heard what sounded like footsteps behind her. The startling noise caused her head to spin around, but as she turned to see who was following her, she stumbled backward and the fear and confusion engulfed her. When she regained her composure, she looked and saw that it was just Tom.

  “I hope I didn’t frighten you,” he called out, trying to catch her as she trembled.

  “Oh, you didn’t … I just…” she replied, trying to make something up on the spot to avoid sounding rude.

  Tom laughed. “I clearly did,” he shot back. “But I wasn’t trying to catch up to you just to terrify you. I was hoping I could have a moment with you in private.”

  Selma looked at him intently. What possible reason could he have for asking to talk to her in private? Hoping that it might be something important, she nodded and motioned for him to follow her.

  When they got to her bedroom, she opened the door and held it as he walked in. Closing it gently, she glanced up at him and tilted her head. “So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

  Tom walked over to the bed and sat down onto it. He patted the empty space on it beside him. Doing as he suggested, Selma sat on the bed and then waited anxiously to hear what he had to say.

  “I listened into your conversation just then with Moira. It might not be my place to come in here and speak my mind, but for once, I cannot just turn a blind eye and let things happen. I saw how Moira treated you ever since she found out about you and Michael. She’s warming to the idea now, which is good, but even Michael’s own children have been making you feel awful, and for what reason? Just because you make someone they care about very happy? It makes no sense to me,” he explained, shaking his head.

  Selma sighed and nodded; she understood everything he’d said. “It’s not a concept that I can really grasp: knowing that they want Michael to live the remainder of his life unhappy and alone. I hadn’t known how or why Moira and her sisters became so close to the Stutzmans, but now that Moira explained it to me, it all makes a bit more sense. They don’t want Michael to forget about Mrs. Stutzman, but I don’t think they realize that he never will,” she said.

  “That’s the stark truth,” he replied. “I’m sure you have heard a fair amount about Moira and me, right?”

  “I have, but what do you mean specifically?” Selma asked, biting her lower lip as she searched her mind for what he meant.

  “You met her when she became a school teacher over in Coulson County and boarded with your sister, correct?” Tom asked, a wide smile creasing his lips.

  Still confused, Selma slowly nodded. “Jah.”

  “Well, she was only there because of me. You see, since the day I met her, Moira has always been the love of my life. Things between us might seem strong and stable now, but not long ago I was in a similar place to the one which you are now finding yourself in.”

  Selma lounged back on the bed and stared at him, not saying anything until she was sure what he meant. After several long moments of silence, she finally sat back up and sighed. “Unless one of you almost died and pushed the other away, I’m not sure exactly how you were like me,” she said in a cold, frank tone. She didn’t mean to sound rude or inconsiderate, but it became more and more difficult to hold back her bitterness as frustration stirred in her chest.

  Tom shook his head and leaned closer to her, his eyes focused directly on hers. “Moira only moved to Coulson County because she thought she was doing me a favor. After I asked her to marry me the first time, she ran away from Earltown in hopes that I would move on and forget about her. She gave some silly excuse why she couldn’t marry me, and her reason made no sense, at all. I knew that she loved me, but she moved away from me.”

  Selma tilted her head and furrowed her brow. “Wait, then how did you both end up back together?” she asked. Selma remembered the young Moira she’d met long ago when she first moved in with Millie, Selma’s sister. Moira was always so boisterous and full of life as though nothing would get her down. The Moira that Selma knew now was one who was weighed down with concerns. It upset Selma that one of Moira’s concerns was her, Selma, and Michael.

  Tom smiled and paused, closing his eyes for just a brief moment. “We ended up together because I finally didn’t let her push me away. I fought for what I desired, for what I loved. It took me a long time to get up the courage to find her and ask her to marry me once more, but I made the decision that I would, despite the fear and despite the odds.”

  “So you never gave up on her, even though she told you she wasn’t interested?” Selma asked.

  Tom nodded. “That just about sums it up,” he replied. “I figured she had two options; she would either say no for the final time, or she would admit that she still loved me and that she wanted to come back home. Luckily, when I showed up one day and told her that I wasn’t leaving without her, she broke down and explained in detail why she had run away and what scared her so much. From there, things between us grew stronger. Now, I can’t imagine what life would be like if I hadn’t had the courage to face her and stand my ground,” he explained.

  Selma stood up and walked over to the window. She looked up at the setting sun as orange and red hues lit up the skyline. In that moment, her conversation with Tom fell from her mind as she thought about how things were going back home in Coulson
County. It had been quite a while since she had been home, but her nephew had written to her recently. He informed her that the cats were doing well and that everything else was okay. He also mentioned that he was fine looking after everything and she should stay there as long as she wished.

  “Have you decided for certain that you’ll go back?” Tom asked, pulling her attention back to reality.

  Selma turned away from the window and looked at him. His eyes seemed to be studying her carefully, waiting for her reply. “I haven’t made it official, but I don’t see any other choice.”

  “You always have a choice,” Tom replied, standing up from the bed as well. “Let me ask you this, however. Has Mr. Stutzman ever discussed marriage with you?”

  “Well, we spoke about it a few times, but he never actually asked outright in so many words. It was understood that marriage would be in our future, but when the time was right. I think that he was just as worried about how his boys, Moira, and her sisters would feel about the announcement as I was, so we held onto the agreement that it would happen when the time was perfect. I guess that will be never.” Selma sighed.

  Tom walked closer to her and shook his head. “Never say never,” he quipped. “When Moira first moved away, I fell into a deep pit of despair and self-loathing. I tried to move on with my life, but with half of it missing, I just couldn’t do it. Every time I tried to make contact with her, she ignored me and never responded. She thought that putting me out of her mind would somehow cure us both. Instead, all it did was instill a feeling of emptiness in both her and I; we had become two halves rather than the whole that we should have been.”

  Selma stared at Tom and wondered what point he was trying to make.

  Chapter 11

  A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you,