A Heart This Big

by Cheyenne Blue

  “Do you enjoy sailing?”

  “I’ve never been, to be honest. There’s only so many hours in a day. Golf is my relaxation, although I admit that’s because so many contacts in our industry are made on the golf course. Maybe we could have a game sometime?”

  “I don’t play,” Leigh said. “I had a few lessons when I was a law clerk, but I couldn’t get the hang of it.”

  Meredith nodded. “And it’s not enough just to play, is it? You have to be of a certain standard.”

  Leigh let Meredith carry most of the conversation, content to sit in the plush surroundings and sip the excellent wine. Would Nina enjoy it here? She’d probably love it. With a guilty start, an image of Nina in an elegant summer frock, proposing they have lunch together, came into her head. She pushed the thought aside. That was over now. Nina was just a friend.

  Meredith’s conversation had circled back to work. “Are you going to the seminar on defending small claims? It’s in Byron Bay next month. I’m a speaker.”

  “I haven’t thought about it. I’m not sure if I can get away.”

  “You’ll need to decide soon. The worthwhile accommodation is nearly booked out.” Meredith sliced a piece of her rare steak. “Although if you do decide to attend at the last minute, you can stay with me. As a speaker, I have a suite.” Her quick, flirtatious smile told Leigh exactly what she was offering.

  Leigh took a bite of her swordfish and examined her reaction. Nothing. No spark of anticipation, no leap of heat in her belly. Meredith was exactly the sort of woman she should be dating, exactly the sort of woman who would normally pique her interest…except she wasn’t. She summoned a smile. “I’ll let you know. It’s a busy time of year for me, catching up after the Christmas break.”

  Meredith made a moue. “I know. I have no idea why the Sydney law world needs to close down from Christmas until the second week of January.”

  “It was often the only break I got when I was a junior lawyer.” Leigh finished her fish and took another mouthful of wine.

  The bottle was empty. Meredith looked around for a waiter. “Shall we get another bottle?”

  Suddenly, the expensive restaurant was too loud, too extravagant. The food was delicious, but was it really worth the money? Meredith’s company was pleasant, but it wasn’t Meredith she wanted to share this with. Longing for a shabby farmhouse kitchen and a meal of roast chicken and potato salad rose up. Conversation about things that mattered, not about points of law. Tiredness overwhelmed her, and she wanted nothing more than to go home, crawl into bed, pour herself a glass of wine, and stare out of the window at the city lights. “Would you mind if I took a raincheck? I’m very tired. I hope I’m not coming down with something.”

  Meredith blinked. “Of course.” She laid her hand over Leigh’s where it rested on the table. Her thumb stroked the back of Leigh’s hand. “I hope we can do this again soon, and maybe that night won’t need to end with dinner.” She turned Leigh’s hand over so they were palm to palm and clasped her fingers.

  Leigh didn’t answer, but she squeezed Meredith’s hand. Even if she couldn’t say the words to agree, she liked Meredith; she wasn’t going to close off this avenue just yet.

  Meredith insisted on paying the bill. “You can get it next time.”

  Traffic rushed past them as they stood on the pavement outside the restaurant. Leigh hitched her bag higher on her shoulder. “Thank you for a very enjoyable evening.”

  Meredith moved closer and cupped Leigh’s chin. Her mouth pressed over Leigh’s, cool lips moving softly.

  Leigh closed her eyes and gave herself up to the kiss. A beautiful woman who kissed like an angel. Certainly, she would feel something. She had to.

  Meredith moved back, a question in her eyes. “Would you like to do this again sometime?”

  “Yes, very much.” She pinned a smile on her face, leant forward, and kissed Meredith again. This time, Meredith’s lips pressed harder, and the kiss was more demanding.

  Leigh broke the kiss. “Can we talk next week?” Maybe by next week, her stubborn heart would have moved on. Maybe seeing Nina tomorrow would allow her to pigeonhole Nina into the “friend” category, and by next week, her heart would be free for Meredith.

  Meredith nodded, and with a small smile, she turned and headed away.

  Leigh heaved a sigh. Her apartment was calling. She took out her mobile and summoned an Uber.

  Leigh barely saw Nina all morning at the farm. After greeting her, Nina had assigned her to work with Kiren and her group of kids in the veggie garden.

  Kiren was a quiet leader and a knowledgeable teacher, and she had the kids laughing as they learnt the difference between weeds and wanted plants and how to hand-pollinate zucchini flowers so that they turned into vegetables.

  Leigh had little to do except follow along, but by listening to Kiren, she was able to direct some of the kids.

  She worked her way down a row of zucchini with a couple of the kids and met Kiren and her group in the middle. They stood and let the kids finish.

  “You’re good with the kids,” Kiren said. “Not everyone has the patience.”

  “You obviously do.”

  “I love coming here. It’s almost like family but without the drama.”

  “You must know pretty much all there is to know.”

  “No, only Nina knows that. But I’m learning.” She raised her voice. “Lucy, that’s spinach; it’s not a weed.”

  “Yuk. Pull it out anyway!” another kid said.

  Leigh chuckled and exchanged a grin with Kiren.

  Kiren looked at her watch. “Okay, kids, time for lunch.”

  The kids scrambled to put the tools away and then ran helter-skelter to the barn.

  “I eat my lunch in the barn with the others if you’d like to join us,” Kiren said.

  “Thanks. It’s in the cooler in my car.” She retrieved her lunch and headed back towards the barn.

  “Hey.” Nina jogged up by her side. “I wondered if you’d like to come up to the house for lunch.”

  Leigh lifted the sandwich she’d purchased on the way there. “I’ve remembered to bring lunch this time.”

  “You’re still welcome.” Nina’s voice was diffident, as if she expected Leigh to refuse.

  That was not going to happen.

  Leigh changed direction and followed Nina to the house. She looked around. “Where’s Phoebe?”

  “She likes to eat in the barn with the other kids. If you’re not rushing off, I know she’s going to ask if you’d like another riding lesson after the kids have gone.”

  Would she? The aching back and thighs from last time had taken days to subside. But it had been rewarding. The glow of achievement—a physical achievement, not a mental one—had stayed with her for days. “I’d like that.”

  Nina pulled some sliced ham, lettuce, and mustard from the fridge and started buttering bread. When the sandwich was made, they took their lunch out onto the veranda, along with glasses of water.

  Nina was unusually quiet. She sprinkled salt on her bread and fiddled with her water glass.

  Leigh watched her, the nervous movements, her bent head. Maybe it had been a mistake to come today. She should have left Nina alone and not let her desire to see her again put pressure on Nina. A wave of sadness swept over her. She and Nina could have had something, if only they had met in another way, if only they weren’t lawyer and client.

  Nina looked up. “I’m sorry. I’m poor company. Truth is, I don’t know what to say to you. I also feel naive and stupid for not realising that you might have a conflict.” She bit her lip. “I don’t move in your circles. I don’t know how to act.”

  “You don’t have to act around me. I hope you realise that.”

  “Don’t I? I think I do. I’m acting now. I’m pretending I don’t think about our kiss.” She pushed bac
k her loose strands of hair and looked Leigh in the face. “I’m not sophisticated like you. I haven’t dated in a couple of years. I would like to be friends with you. I would love for you to keep volunteering, but I don’t know how to make a graceful transition from what I hoped we’d be to what we are now.”

  “Maybe I should leave.” Nina’s words touched her. Leigh couldn’t think of anyone else who would be so honest.

  “No.” Nina clasped Leigh’s hand where it lay on the table. “Please don’t. I deal with all sorts of people and situations. I’ll be fine.”

  Leigh had been fine until Nina touched her. She closed her eyes as the memory of Nina’s lips on hers rose up once more. “I’m the one who should apologise. I should have asked you if you’d consider another lawyer rather than pushing one on you. I shouldn’t have assumed. And I should have known what you’d do.”

  “We both assumed.”

  Nina hadn’t removed her hand.

  Leigh should. She should slide her hand out from underneath Nina’s to pick up her water glass, anything but let her hand remain where it was. Her gaze sought Nina’s. “I guess we were both wrong in our own way.”

  The touch of Nina’s hand was now an unbearable weight of what she couldn’t have. She drew back and clasped her hands in her lap.

  “How has your week been?” Nina’s voice was nearly back to normal, but when she picked up her sandwich, it trembled in her fingers.

  “Busy. Catching up after the break still. You know how it is.”

  “I don’t, actually. There’s no such thing as a break around here. I had one day off over Christmas—and you were here for it.”

  “Yes.” The Christmas kiss. How could she forget? Not only the kiss but the day itself. It had been comfortable. Far away from her family’s Christmas of ostentatious presents and a magnificent lunch prepared by a catering company. Leigh picked up her own sandwich.

  “How’s Phoebe doing?” The thought rose in her mind—Phoebe struggling with her memories of Billy’s accident. She hoped Phoebe had taken her suggestion of talking to Nina. Should she tell Nina? Phoebe’s words had had a confiding feel, and Leigh hadn’t wanted to break her fragile trust.

  “She’s better.” Nina’s face glowed as she talked of Phoebe. “She told me about her bad dreams of the accident. She said you told her to talk to me. Thank you. I can’t believe I didn’t see my own daughter was struggling. We had a good chat, and I think she understands now that it’s not her fault despite what the claim says. She still misses Billy, though.”

  So often friendships were lost over things like this. Leigh sipped her water. “How are you doing?”

  Nina propped her chin on her hand. “You don’t have to counsel everyone. I’m fine. I can’t afford not to be. I have to be steady for Phoe, for the farm. I have to be strong for myself because there’s no one else who can be strong for me. It’s how it is when you’re a single parent.”

  Leigh bit her lower lip. Nina’s voice was pragmatic, but it didn’t take much effort to catalogue the stress in Nina’s life. Was she one of Nina’s stressors? The relationship that could not be? A boulder weighted her chest and pinned her to her chair. She closed her eyes. If only Nina had taken the offer to switch lawyers that would have freed Leigh to be there for her in other ways.

  Rather than say something she’d regret, Leigh swallowed the last of her sandwich and stood to take her plate to the sink. With her back to Nina, she gripped the sink and closed her eyes. Bloody claim, bloody parameters. The farm held her in thrall in a way that little had outside of work for a long time. But it was Nina who’d captivated her. Nina who even now was wringing Leigh’s heart through the shredder.

  “Hey.” Nina came up and stood alongside. Her hand rested on the sink mere centimetres from Leigh’s fingers. “It’s okay. I’m doing okay.”

  “I somehow think you always do.” When did her voice become so husky? “You encompass everyone, draw them in to you. Phoebe, Kiren, Ahmed and the other volunteers, the Barn Kids, the Dare to Be Different kids. And me. How did you get a heart this big? Big enough with enough love for everyone?”

  Nina’s shoulders moved in a tiny shrug. “I don’t think I’m anything special. I’m just a little Aussie battler, like so many of us.”

  “I wish I could stand by your side and fight some of those battles for you.”

  Nina’s pinkie twitched and then brushed Leigh’s in a quick to-and-fro.

  The tiny touch left Leigh craving more.

  “You do,” Nina said. “You’re fighting my biggest battle for me.”

  Leigh sucked in a breath and moved her pinkie so it touched Nina’s. Another small shift and she hooked it around Nina’s finger. The heat of that tiny touch branded her. “I wish…” She couldn’t continue, because how could she say what she wished for without crossing the lines they’d set down between them?

  “I know,” Nina said. “I wish too.”

  Even this touch was too much. She couldn’t do it. Leigh closed her eyes momentarily and sucked strength in with each deep breath. For a second or two longer, she allowed the tiny touch. Another heartbeat and then she unhooked her finger and slid her hand away from Nina. She exhaled steadily until she could trust her voice. “When do the Barn Kids finish today?”

  “Around three. That’s when Phoebe’s planning to get you up on Mr Petey again.”

  Leigh nodded. If she and Nina couldn’t be together, at least she still had her friendship and everything that went with that—including Phoebe.

  “Has anyone told you lately you’re an evil torturer?” Leigh’s breath came in gasps, and her thighs screamed in agony.

  Phoebe grinned up at her from beside Mr Petey’s head. “Yeah. I’ve heard it before. You’ll get the hang of it soon, Leigh. And when you can rise to the trot, trust me, it will be so much nicer.” She turned to the front again, but Leigh clearly heard, “For you and Mr Petey.”

  Leigh gritted her teeth. She’d seen the Barn Kids rising to the trot. Even little Naima managed it easily. She would not be beaten by something so simple. “One more time?”

  “Sure.” Phoebe guided Mr Petey around. “Ready?”

  Leigh gripped the front of the saddle with one hand and left the reins loose, trusting Phoebe to guide the pony. “Ready.”

  Mr Petey sprang forward into a steady one-two beat.

  One, two, up, down, up, down. Leigh concentrated on the rhythm. Her thigh muscles cramped, and her backside bumped the saddle with every stride. Her position felt perilous despite gripping the pommel with a death grip.

  And then, in a moment, it was as if a switch had been thrown. Mr Petey’s stride was less jackhammer and more fairground carousel. Her lower legs stayed in position, and she was rising and lowering in time to the pony’s movement.

  Before she could stop herself, she called out, as excited as little Naima, “Look, Phoebe! I’ve got it!”

  Phoebe jogged along for another few metres before stopping. “I could tell. Mr Petey’s ears came forward, and he was so much more comfortable.”

  Leigh patted his neck. “Not as comfortable as me. How could I have ever not been able to do that?”

  Phoebe grinned. “That’s what everyone says. Nice one. It will be so much easier now. Next step is to do that without me leading you and without your hand on the pommel.”

  Leigh shifted in the saddle and winched as her backside protested. “Maybe next time.”

  Next time. She was talking as if she was a part of Banksia Farm. And she was—along with the Barn Kids, the other volunteers, the parents, and every person who wandered in for a look around and dropped a few dollars in the donation box. Nina made them all welcome. No doubt Stella and Billy had felt similarly included and embraced into the farm community. Did Stella miss the farm?

  Leigh dismounted, and as her feet touched the ground, her knees buckled. Once she’d steadied
herself, she took Mr Petey’s reins over his head as Phoebe had shown her and led him to the barn to unsaddle him.

  She glanced at Phoebe, who walked on the pony’s other side. “How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you.”

  Phoebe flashed Leigh a glance and stared at her feet. “I’m okay.”

  Leigh waited. If Phoebe wanted to talk, then she’d do so in her own time.

  “After what you said, I talked to Mum. It’s better now. I still think about Billy a lot, though, especially when the Barn Kids are riding or doing other stuff. I keep thinking how much he would have loved it.”

  Leigh’s fingers clenched on the reins. The poor kid. There was so much fallout over something that, to her, was relatively trivial. Injury claims happened all the time. They weren’t personal. Lawyers hashed out a settlement, an insurance company paid money, and people moved on with their lives. Done deal. But from the beginning, Nina and Banksia Farm had never been like that. It had been personal. There wasn’t an insurance company with a fat chequebook. And there were people Leigh cared about caught up in it all. Nina and Phoebe. Leigh flicked a glance at Phoebe’s bent head. The girl had snuck her way into Leigh’s heart.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Phoebe. You know that, right? Mr Petey tripped in a rabbit hole. No person in the world could have stopped that.” The rightness of her words expanded in her chest. Until now, she’d treated Billy’s claim as routine—procedures to follow, steps to take, the expected responses to be given. Now she got it and what it meant to Nina and Phoebe. “If Nina had been leading Mr Petey, he’d still have tripped. Billy would still have fallen.”

  “I could’ve led him across a different bit of the paddock. I probably shouldn’t tell you that.”

  “You didn’t know the hole was there. How could you? And if you’d picked a different route, well, there would probably have been another hole. It’s not as if you can keep rabbits out of the paddocks. People have been trying to get rid of rabbits in Australia for years—and failed.”