Loot and Booty Box Set

by Zeke Biddle

  I’ve got the inkling of a plan. It’s a really stupid plan, but even a dumb plan is better than no plan at all.

  Or at least that’s what I tell myself to convince myself to follow my own lead.

  “No. To the waterfall. Get your ice magic ready. Think you can freeze this river?”

  “You crazy?” Elaine asks.

  But she’s following me.

  “Yes. I think I am.”

  “No, I can’t freeze the river, but I can probably freeze some of it. What’s the plan?”

  “We’re going over the edge, and if you can freeze enough to make us an ice slide, we’ll slide right on down to safety.”

  She snorts. “And if we don’t, we die.”

  It isn’t a question, nor is it her saying no.

  I focus on running rather than convincing either of us it’s a good idea.

  As arrows rain down around us but never touch us, I realize the draft I’m feeling isn’t a natural wind. It’s Elaine creating a shield of wind blowing the arrows off course.

  It seems like every time we need magic, it’s hers that proves most useful. For some reason, I remember Alexandra saying she has access to an inventory screen. Maybe I’ll be able to see some kind of skills or magic progression screen and use some logic and common sense when leveling up.

  Now probably isn’t the time.

  We’re still running full speed ahead and are about to jump off the edge of the cliff.

  There’s still no ice in the river.

  “Elaine, now would probably—”

  “I’m working on it. Don’t distract me. I’ve used a lot of magic keeping them from turning you into a pincushion. Ah ha!”

  It starts as a path no wider than a sidewalk. I follow Elaine from the riverbank out onto the ice path she’s made and nearly slide off the edge as it twists out toward the center of the river and then toward the waterfall. Every few steps, it gets noticeably wider, and by the time we run out of space, it’s as wide as a highway.

  She’s good.

  “Slide!” she orders.

  She gracefully drops onto her butt with a leg out in front of her like a baseball player.

  I stumble forward and fall onto my stomach.

  I nearly lose the tiny amount of food left in my stomach when we fall off the edge of the waterfall. Things don’t get better when I see the castle down below, no bigger than a speck of dust.

  16

  Something cold and hard presses against my chest.

  Ice! She did it!

  I roll onto my back and thrust my fists into the air in short-lived victory. Dozens of hybrids have hitchhiked a ride on our escape route. Once we get to the bottom, we’ll still need to deal with them. After using up so much magic getting us this far, the queen will probably be spent.

  It will be up to me to defend us.

  I take a few quick breaths, puffing out my cheeks to help get me hyped up for the moment. Even though it might be an impossible task, I’ll go out giving it my all.

  Even more hybrids are still sliding over the edge.

  How many of them are there?

  Remembering that I have a familiar, I summon him into existence and send him up to the top of the waterfall just as another batch reaches the edge.

  Using my eagle’s eyes, I confirm there are no more pursuing us. All of my current enemies are sliding on the same patch of ice as Elaine and me.

  I’m afraid to ask Elaine to try to let the ice above us go. I don’t know how her magic works. Glancing over the edge of the ice, I see that she’s basically pulled a sheet of water up to us. We’re not hanging from one point at the top.

  If only it would crack.

  I quickly call forth my fire and channel it at a spot directly in front of me and stay focused there even as we fall further below. Several of the hybrids make it past the spot before there’s a loud crack and a huge chunk of ice breaks off above us and falls to the side, taking many hybrids with it. The ones who are further up the waterfall slide off the new ledge I’ve created and fall toward the rocks below.

  If my plan works and I didn’t doom us to falling to our deaths, we’ll only have to deal with the batch of monsters who made it through before the ice broke.

  I flinch as an arrow flies past, and then another, and then two more. There must be an army of archers trying to kill us from below. Fortunately, their aim sucks.

  When hybrids start screaming in pain, I realize the archers’ aim has been impeccable. They’ve been on our side for some reason.

  More arrows take them out. From what I can tell, none miss their mark.

  The ice-slide flattens out and deposits us safely onto the bank.

  Before I can stand, Gillian throws her body on top of me and kisses me all over my face.

  “Did you do all that shooting?” I ask.

  “Of course. Do you think I’d let them hurt you while I still have arrows in my quiver?”

  I laugh and lie back on the warm grass and find myself staring up at Ynes.

  “God, what a sight for sore eyes,” I say. “How’d you get back into the game?”

  “After we parted, I hurried back to my room and used your tablet to message your sister. She took it from there.”

  If I had more time, I’d pursue that line of questioning further. Instead I ask, “Any signs of Alexandra or BoomBitch?”

  “Just rumors. Kip has them in the castle,” Ynes says. She taps her foot and glares back and forth between Elaine and me. “Who’s the new chica and just how many women do you expect to have in your harem, Marcus?”

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I say.

  “It never is, according to you men,” Ynes counters.

  Elaine offers her hand to Ynes, who just stares down at it with her own arms crossed over her chest.

  “It really isn’t what it looks like,” Elaine says. “Marcus has been a perfect gentleman. He risked his life to bring me back to this world.”

  “And who exactly are you that we should give a damn?” Ynes asks.

  “I’m the queen, of course,” Elaine says.

  “Gods damn it, Marcus!” Ynes shouts at me. “Why didn’t you say something? You just gonna let me talk to royalty like that like I’m some kinda stupid bitch? My parents will kill me. I almost started a war!”

  “Well, she is wearing a tiara,” I say.”

  “That doesn’t mean she’s a queen. Girls buy cheap tiaras all the time to wear because they are pretty.”

  Elaine embraces Ynes with a laugh. “Please don’t worry. Any friend of Marcus is a friend of mine. So, my real-world husband has my game-world daughter trapped in the castle. Sounds like a made-for-TV movie.”

  “TV? Movie?” Ynes asks.

  Gillian pulls on my sleeve.

  I wave her away. “Yes, she’s from Earth, too. Kip’s wife, somehow. I won’t be able to make any more sense out of it than that. Anyone know a way into the castle? Preferably one where a million guards won’t see us coming?”

  My women shake their heads.

  The queen says, “The king will have guards everywhere. Give me a second to figure out where the fewest might be. That’ll give us the best chance of overwhelming them. There’s definitely nothing on this side. Ages ago, it was all blocked off after an attack force from the river nearly overcame the castle’s defenses.”

  “Wizard,” a pleasantly familiar voice shouts from high above.

  I shield my eyes from the sun and find Alexandra smiling down at me from the parapet several stories above us. BoomBitch is standing by her side, waving furiously at us.

  I cup my hands around my mouth and shout. “How can we get to you?”

  “You can’t. But BoomBitch has a plan to get us in. Mom, were you able to save enough magic while saving Marcus’ ass to play catch?”

  Elaine's smile is real and pure and lights her face up with a radiant beauty. “I’ve always got enough for you, Lexie.”

  Alexandra jumps, her arms and legs spread calmly like she hasn�
��t a care in the world.

  “Shit, shit, shit.” I rush forward to catch her, unsure how her landing on me will do anyone any good.

  A strong wind blows me back behind the queen. “Stay put.”

  Alexandra slows, her hair billowing up behind her as the queen’s magical wind slows her descent, allowing her to land safely in front of the queen.

  “Hey, Mom. I missed you.”

  They hug for a second, and then Alexandra starts leading us all back toward the river.

  “Shouldn’t I help your friend down?” Elaine asks.

  Still nudging her mother further away from the castle and waving for the rest of us to follow, she whispers, “BoomBitch is a little nervous of the heights and all that.”

  “BoomBitch?” I ask. “That doesn’t sound like her at—”

  Alexandra scowls at me. “Oh, now you’re an expert in how women feel?” She stops and mumbles, “This is probably fine.”

  “The poor dear,” Elaine says. “I could probably pull her off, and then bring her down safely. Kind of like a Band-Aid. Quick and painless.”

  Alexandra frowns at something and leads us even further away. “That would be great, but the thing is—”

  An enormous explosion rocks the world behind us.

  “About time,” Alexandra says. “Come on.”

  “I don’t understand,” Elaine says.

  I roll my eyes and shake my head, unsure what goes through BoomBitch’s head. “She’s a living bomb. She exploded herself right before she hit the ground, and made a hole in the wall.”

  Elaine notices the opening. “Oh, that’s handy,” she says, like exploding people are the most natural thing in the world. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Right as rain,” I say. “But that dramatic opening is bound to attract attention. We need to get inside before a million guards start flooding out.”

  As we climb over the rubble and take a passageway leading off to the left, the queen asks, “Should we stick around and help her?”

  “If I know anything about BoomBitch, she’ll end up ahead of us no matter how quickly we move. She has a real nose for trouble.”

  “I’m starting to think you are the one with the nose for trouble, wizard,” Alexandra says.

  “Me? You’re the one Kip kidnapped. How’d you get away from him, anyway? Is he still alive?”

  “Of course I am,” Kip says as we emerge from the hallway into the same courtyard this whole mess started in. “Surely you don’t think you pathetic pieces of shit can defeat a god.”

  Realizing we just fell into a heap of trouble, I quickly tell my team, “Remember, Eulalia isn’t with us. We have no healer. Don’t go walking into trouble, expecting her to bail you out. Let me try to talk to him before we attack.”

  17

  “Where are all the bad guys?” BoomBitch asks when she catches up with us.

  I wonder that, too. The room is eerily devoid of armies of minions.

  “I don’t know,” I say in a whisper, never taking my attention away from Kip.

  He definitely looks different than the middle-aged fake pizza delivery man I met back in my dorm room what feels like a lifetime ago.

  “Who’s the giant centaur thing?”

  “He says he’s Kip,” Ynes answers while we all continue to stare at him.

  He’s at least twice as tall as I am. I’d barely have to duck to run under the thick and muscular horse-half of his body. And his upper, human half looks even more terrifying. It’s as if someone took one of those steroid freaks from the football team and inflated him to comic proportions. He wields a trident, but I seriously doubt he’ll need it. Each of his hands can probably wrap entirely around my body.

  “The guy who trapped Marcus and Gillian…and I guess, me, here in the game?” BoomBitch asks.

  “Wait,” Ynes says. “You and Gillian, too?”

  “Apparently,” BoomBitch answers. “Only he did something different with me. Hey Kip, what’s the deal with why I can’t remember anything since before waking in the game?”

  Kip laughs. “Ah, you like that? That’s my own contribution. We got tired of assholes like Marcus and the One-eyed Monster being so aware of their past and constantly struggling to escape the game. It’s just a needless nuisance, especially since they’ve succeeded. It’s too dangerous for me to sit around hoping they don’t come and kill me. The new code prevents it.”

  “It doesn’t seem to work very well,” BoomBitch says. “People still seem to be teleporting back and forth as easy as breathing. And once I was there with the other real people and none of the game people could make it, it wasn’t exactly hard to figure out where I came from.”

  He shrugs. “I’ll work on tweaking that. Anyway, I’ll be leaving now. My work here is done.”

  Recovering my composure, I step forward. “And what exactly was your work?”

  His smile is cruel beyond measure. “It would ruin the surprise. Suffice it to say, the AI you know as the witch, Esmeralda, and I have been working together. Having a way to trap you pissants is just half of the fun. We want to make sure we can torment you whenever we desire, too. That is going to be even easier now.”

  Doing my best to look bored, I say, “I liked you more when you were delivering pizzas. Sounds like whatever you’ve done must not be very exciting or you’d gloat more.”

  Kip laughs. “As if I worry about impressing the likes of you. But now, I must return to Earth, head to the dorms, and put a bullet in your very real head like I’ve done to dozens of you Earthlings who are a little too self-aware for your own good.”

  I pull out Kip’s very own gun. “You mean with this? I don’t know how you plan to use it when I have it here with me.”

  “Give that back!” he shouts.

  As quick as lightning, he throws his trident.

  I barely manage to dodge it, and I suspect the wind that aided my leap sideways probably wasn’t natural. I don’t stop to thank the queen, though.

  I aim the gun at Kip and pull the trigger.

  Kip raises his hands as if to defend himself, but he disappears and reappears right as the bullet would have hit him.

  Somehow despite not being shot, he looks surprised. Something clearly didn’t go the way he’d planned. “What did you do?”

  I would love to taunt him, but I have no idea what he’d been trying to do or why it hadn’t gone the way he’d expected.

  “Did you touch my computer?” he asks.

  Elaine and I both laugh.

  “Nope. I definitely didn’t touch your computer.” I wave the gun at him. “But one of these bullets touched it really hard. Are you trapped here, too? That’s a shame.”

  He starts to charge, but skids to a halt when I aim the gun. Before I can shoot at him a second time, he disappears again. This time for good.

  “Shit. How’d the lucky bastard dodge that bullet?”

  A voice rings out in the room. “I don’t think that’s exactly what happened, Little Pup.”

  “Kat? What are you doing here? Where are you?”

  Before she can answer, the castle starts rumbling and shaking.

  “Talk later. For now, get outside and keep running. Go!”

  We obey and just barely escape before the castle collapses into the ground. We stare at the wreckage in amazement.

  “Was that some kind of earthquake?” I finally manage to ask.

  “No,” my sister says. “Dumbass Kip was digging tunnels like some kind of mole. He was connecting the castle to the vast network of underground tunnels and screwed up. Someone named Esmeralda, the king, and Kip have been exchanging in-game messages. I don’t think she’s from Earth, though. I think she’s pure AI. I also don’t think Kip’s very bright. Listen, I might not have much time. Things are changing quickly. There’s a new patch in process. It’s like Hotel California now for all of you. You can check out but you can never leave. Teleportation back out of the game is being blocked except for a couple of very specific links, and one o
f them just went out a little bit ago.”

  “So where’d he go?” Elaine asks between gritted teeth. “He destroyed my home. I will crush him.”

  “I’m not sure about that. I just know he didn’t get back to Earth. I’m searching in the game and will let you know if I find anything. I’ll also work on a hack to get you back out, Little Pup.”

  “Thanks, Kat,” I say, but she either dramatically dropped offline or someone else cut the connection. “What do we do now?” I ask my team.

  “We go find Eulalia,” Alexandra says.

  “We go kill Kip,” the queen offers.

  “Those tunnels make me wonder what kind of nonsense Esmeralda has planned for us,” Gillian says. “I wouldn’t mind another shot at bringing her down a peg.”

  I’ve been thinking about Esmeralda the Witch, too. We haven’t seen her since our meeting at the hybrid shack, but she still has found ways to get tangled up in our affairs, and never in a good way. We’re going to need to confront her soon, I fear, and I know too little about her.

  She’d been overwhelmingly stronger than us during our previous encounters, but we’ve all leveled up so much since then. Do we stand a chance against her now?

  “Ynes? BoomBitch? Any thoughts?” I ask.

  “I go where you go, Marcus,” Ynes says.

  “We could probably all use some sleep,” BoomBitch suggests.

  “We should split up,” Felix says as he walks up to us. He somehow survived the cave in.

  Alexandra and the queen both rush to him and give him a hug.

  “So glad you made it,” Alexandra says.

  He locks eyes with me and plays with his mustache. “You should get your harem back together and get them ready for the next challenge. The queen and I will head out to look for signs of Kip.”

  “No,” I say.

  The queen smiles at me. “I’m afraid our paths must part here, Marcus. You and your harem have your own adventures. Felix and I have a kingdom to put back together. We need to make sure the people know we still exist and are still here to help and protect them. It will be a trying period until we raise the funds to build a new castle and recruit a new army. If you can do anything about that damn witch while we try to figure out where Kip went, it would be a great help.”