Repeat

by Scott, Kylie

  “What do you think?” asks Margarita finally, hands sitting lightly on my shoulders.

  I don’t think I look too different, just neater. More stylish, somehow. With my hair shaped this way, my jaw doesn’t look as heavy. As requested, my bangs have been left growing longer, sweeping across one side of my face to cover the scar before being tucked behind an ear. Or they will when my hair grows a bit more.

  “It’s still like a choppy layered crop only done right this time.” Tessa nods. “I like it. Maybe in future, let Margarita cut your hair. Now for the makeup.”

  “We’re doing makeup?” I ask.

  “Girl, Ed gave me his card. We’re doing everything.”

  It’s a little disconcerting watching myself get another makeover. After all of the hacking at my hair and dumping of my wardrobe, I don’t want to go back. Though I still mostly look like me, but with good hair. The multitalented Margarita does my makeup as well, which is good because I don’t have to get used to someone new touching me. When I ask her to keep it reasonably simple and natural looking, Tessa snorts. But I get my way. So at the end of all the highlighting and application of various pencils, powers, and lotions, I look like me with good hair, cheekbones, a healthy glow, slightly bigger eyes, and pink lips.

  “You’re really good,” I say to Margarita.

  Tessa nods, pulling out a credit card. “Rest assured, your boyfriend’s going to give her a great tip.”

  It’s evening out on the street, the lights flickering on all around us. I stretch my neck, working out the kinks from holding so still. “Thank you. That was actually kind of fun.”

  “Oh,” purrs Tessa with a crafty grin. “We’re not finished yet.”

  I feel fear.

  * * *

  “We’re having dinner?”

  Tessa waves a hand in the direction of the restaurant. “Go on in.”

  I look between her and Vito’s Italian. My favorite place, apparently. “The last time I was here I accidentally crashed Ed’s date with this woman. It was really awkward.”

  “I heard. But you’re invited this time.”

  “Are you coming too?” I ask, not against the idea. It’s actually been a nice afternoon.

  “Yes. Go on; you look good.”

  My hands smooth down the front of my jumpsuit. Except it’s like a fancy jumpsuit. Black crepe, sleeveless with a high neckline. It’s simple, but nice. Elegant, I think. Tessa tried to talk me into a pair of strappy high heels, however, I’m in black flats. I feel good. I like how I look.

  “Thank you for taking me to the salon and hanging out with me,” I say.

  “Clem, you’re delaying. Are we entering the restaurant sometime tonight or not?”

  “Okay. Yes. We’re going in.” I stride forward with the kind of bravery only a new outfit and a professional makeup artist and hair stylist can give you.

  Vito’s is every bit as beautiful as the last time. Heavy white tablecloths and dark red napkins. Candles flickering on the tables. And half the restaurant is filled with all of the people I know. Or just about. My sister Frances, Iris and Antonio, Leif and Shannon, Nevin. Even Walter and Jack who found me that night and Nurse Mike from my hospital stay are here. All of the important people from my short life are standing before me. It’s unbelievable.

  “Hey, baby,” says Ed, dressed in a shit hot black suit. “You look beautiful.”

  “You organized this?”

  He smiles and kisses me on the forehead. “Good to see you and Tessa managed not to kill each other.”

  “Ed, this is amazing.”

  “Frances helped. Doctor Patel is away at a conference and Detective Chen had to work. No way was I inviting the little shit from the café who keeps asking you out. But otherwise, I think we got pretty much everyone.”

  “This is amazing. But why?”

  He just tips his chin. “Why not?”

  Why not, indeed. We both know life is short. It doesn’t need to be said. My eyes fill with tears and I blink them back furiously. The emotion teeming inside my chest is huge. Overwhelming.

  “Hey, are you all right?”

  “Yes,” I say, managing a watery smile. “I love you.”

  There’s the inevitable pause. His careful blank face. “Thank you, Clem. Why don’t you go say hi to your friends?”

  I just nod and do as he says. There’s a goodly amount of hugs, pats on the back, and some kissing of cheeks involved in greeting all of the assembled. Ed’s lack of a reaction to my declaration doesn’t matter. I mean, it does. But it’s okay. Everything’s good.

  If I’d stopped and thought about it for half a second, it was always going to be this way. The important thing is, we’re together and there’s always the possibility of a future. He might come around. It’s what I tell myself through all of the smiling and the first two glasses of wine. (Just as well I hadn’t taken any of my chill pills.) Alcohol takes the edge off my angst and we have a great night. Everything is fine.

  * * *

  As soon our bedroom door clicks closed, I kick off my shoes and undo the tie and zip on my jumpsuit. There’s been a hesitancy to him since we left the restaurant. A troubled look in his eye. Like his mind’s been busy all night concocting a speech, figuring out exactly what to say regarding my disturbing confession. Doubtless he has all sorts of sensible reasons for not saying it back or for wanting me to leave the L word out of things for now. But I don’t want to hear it. Not yet.

  “Clem . . .” He turns to me, a hand running agitatedly through his hair. His eyes widen slightly at the sight of me shrugging out of my clothes, stripping off my underwear. Or maybe it’s the aggressiveness with which I’m doing it. While he might be conflicted, I know exactly what I want.

  “No talking,” I say.

  “But—”

  “No.”

  I grab the lapels of his suit jacket and go up on tiptoes, slamming my mouth against his. Surprise is on my side. Hands clutch at my waist, his lips opening to me. For all of tonight’s emotional upheaval, it’s pretty fucking hot, him wearing a slick black suit and me being naked. Only I’m not acting exposed or vulnerable. It doesn’t take Ed long to get with the program. To take control. We war with tongue and teeth, greedy for each other as always. He backs me into the door, breathing heavy. Then he drops to his knees.

  “Ed?”

  “You said no talking.” He nips at the soft skin of my belly in warning. A hand lifts one of my thighs over his shoulder, opening me to him. I grab hold of his hair for balance sake. His warm breath is right there.

  My insides tighten in a most stimulating manner. Rivers have gushed less than my pussy.

  His free hand kneads one of my ass cheeks, angling me just so. And the tip of his nose brushes against my mound as he plants soft kisses. “Surely you know when someone wants to go down on you.”

  Excitement takes over and my mind is empty. I really have nothing to say. The long flat of his tongue drags through me, up toward my clit. Just that easy, my legs start trembling. In the low lighting of his bedroom, his gaze is so dark and hungry. The man can eat me alive. I’d be totally fine with that. Next, he sucks at the lips of my labia, making my blood surge. He teases my clit with flicks of the tip of his tongue. I’m a wet writhing mess in no time, grinding my pussy against his face. And the sound he’s making. The sucking noises and groans of appreciation as if he doesn’t just like how I taste and how wanton I’m acting. He fucking loves it. When he concentrates on my clit, sucking on it, and even nibbling gently, I explode. My legs go weak, my whole body shaking. If he wasn’t holding me up, I’d have hit the ground. Somewhere out in the universe, my mind flies free. It’s a heavenly experience getting head from Ed.

  Before my insides have stopped quaking he’s up and on his feet, pulling a condom out of the wallet in his back pocket. I’m only vaguely aware of what’s going on. Still trying to catch my breath. But he lifts me in his arms, pinning me against the wall. It’s just natural for my legs and arms to go around him. T
hen he lines up the thick head of his cock and surges into me, sure and deep. I gasp at the sensation, clinging onto him for dear life, as he proceeds to pound into me. Guess we’re both yet again working out some feelings. And what better way than through rough sex?

  My spine feels like it’s stuck to the wall, one of his hands on my ass and the other cupping the back of my head. Protecting me. A good thing one of us still has the capacity for thought. My skull has definitely already taken enough damage in this life. Again and again he drives the hard length of his dick into me. And we’re more than a storm—we’re a cyclone or a hurricane. Something wild, a bit scary, and out of control. But I trust him. How could I not? I love him.

  Impossible to come again so soon. Yet he angles my hips and starts hitting the magic place inside of me. Harry Potter has nothing on this shit. Soon enough, my insides clutch at him, trying to hold him deep. A sweet shock travels through me, illuminating me from within. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if I glowed in the dark just then. What he does to me is staggering, the way his body works with mine. How good he makes me feel and how high he sends me flying. His flushed face presses into my neck, his hips surging and hands clutching me tight. Like they couldn’t pry us apart. Eventually his body quiets, still buried in mine. The silence feels heavy, a weight I probably can’t lift and lack the energy to even try.

  Pretty sure sweat has glued me to the wall. Ed’s suit will definitely need dry cleaning. All he did to achieve access was lower his zip. Men have it so easy.

  “You okay?” he asks, voice rough.

  “Yes.”

  Slowly, carefully, he lowers me to the floor. My legs are still trembling. Those poor innocent muscles. Forget the tender state of my vagina. Every atom in me feels shaken. We certainly don’t tend to go easy on each other when it comes to sex. Especially on nights like this. Nights where it’s easier to express things between us in a physical way as opposed to opening up about our emotions. Though of course that was my choice.

  “Can we just sleep?” I ask, suddenly tired beyond my years.

  He cups my face, gently kissing me on the lips. He tastes of me. “Sure, baby. But we’re going to have to talk about it eventually. You know that, right?”

  “I know. Tomorrow.”

  “All right,” he agrees. “Tomorrow.”

  And I lie there. Then I lie there some more because my brain will not shut down. Pretty sure Ed isn’t sleeping either, so this is working out just great. Seems orgasms can’t fix shit. Not even temporarily. Also, I know deep down that I’m doing the wrong thing, cutting off all lines of communication between us. Even temporarily, it’s wrong. It’s what did us in last time. Uncomfortable and awkward or whatever, we need to talk it out.

  “I’m scared,” I say quietly.

  His arms slide around me, his body pressing tight against mine. I’m cocooned in Ed. “What about, baby?”

  “That I said the wrong thing. Or that I said the right thing too early. That maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all.” I sigh. The heaviness of my heart and weight of my soul feel all too real tonight.

  “I don’t know about that,” he says. “Our inability to effectively communicate with each other was what did us in last time. I think if you’re feeling something you need to tell me about it so we can deal with things together. You just . . . you surprised me, is all.”

  “Well, what are you feeling?”

  He exhales. “I’m scared too, you know. This has all happened fast, us getting back together. And I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I do worry . . .”

  “Hmm.”

  His arms tighten around me. “It’s more than that, though, Clem. I’m fucking terrified about this idiot being out there gunning for you. What if I can’t stop him? You don’t want me treating you like glass and following you around all the time. But the thought that he could get to you when I’m not there . . . I can’t lose you again. I won’t.”

  “Yeah, it frightens me too. But we can’t just stop living.”

  Lips brush against my shoulder, pressing a soft kiss.

  “I just feel jittery all the damn time,” I say. “On edge. It’s driving me nuts.”

  “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “It’s not your fault. You’re the one good thing that’s come out of all of this.”

  “Sorry I wasn’t ready to tell you I love you back yet.” His voice is low and telling. Like he too has all these feelings going on that he doesn’t know what to do with. Like there’s a burden in his heart, the same as mine. Perhaps I shouldn’t wish emotional turmoil on him, but it’s good not to feel alone.

  “Love is complicated. Well, whatever this is, is complicated.”

  “That it is,” he whispers. “But I’m here, Clem. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

  “Okay.” I relax against him, shutting my eyes to sleep. Honestly, it feels like a weight has lifted. Tonight, lying in Ed’s arms, I don’t think I’ll need a pill. Maybe talking things out isn’t so bad after all.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “You’re a hard person to catch alone,” the voice comes from out of the darkness.

  It’s some stupid hour of the morning. Two or so. And I’m standing out front of the apartment building beside the dogwood tree because Gordy needed to pee. Also, I did too, but I did my business in the bathroom as per human tradition.

  I startle at the sound of the voice, keys already held in my fist with the ends pointing out between my fingers just in case. Eyes-throat-groin. Eyes-throat-groin. I almost blurt the words out, so strongly has Gavin welded them into my brain. “Who’s there?”

  A shadowy figure wanders up the footpath toward me. Better lighting in this area would be really fucking helpful right about now.

  “Clementine,” the voice drawls. Male.

  I say nothing.

  Finally, he’s close enough for me to make out his face. It’s Tim, the friendly neighborhood creeper. Great. His hands are in his pockets, a sly sort of smile on his face as he stands closer than necessary. “Out with the dog, huh?”

  “Gordon. Yes.”

  Gordy raises his head and wags his tail once, before going back to sniffing along the fence line.

  “Haven’t had a chance to talk to you in ages. You’re always with your boyfriend.”

  “Ed. Yes.”

  “Guy acts like he’s your bodyguard or something.” Tim chuckles. “Like you need protecting.”

  I can’t step back on account of the tree so I step to the side, putting some distance between us. Tim steps toward me, getting back in my personal space. All the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, my shoulders tensing.

  “Am I making you nervous?” he asks, still smiling.

  “I don’t know. Does my dog make you nervous?” I bump Gordy’s butt with my knee, wishing he’d mount some kind of protective display. Growl even. But his tail just wags a little and he snuffles more deeply at the fence. Worst. Dog. Ever. “You’re out late.”

  He just shrugs. Probably been out peeking through bedroom windows. Or riding public transport, standing too close to women so he can sniff their hair or something. Whiskey taints his breath. So not only is he gross in general, he’s probably drunk too. My luck just can’t get any better. And my fight or flight instinct is screaming at me to get away. Meanwhile, with me in only a small pair of sleep shorts and a tank top, the guy is eyeing my chest. Full on fucking ogling the outline of my breasts beneath the thin fabric. It’s so gross, the way he’s staring. I feel dirty, exposed, and I’m not doing a damn thing, but walking my dog. It’s all him, this disgusting horrible person. Amazing what he can achieve by doing so little. Just a few looks and a couple of words really. Shit.

  “Gordy,” I say, voice trembling. Dammit. “Time to go in.”

  Unfortunately, whatever has caught his canine fascination is far more interesting than me. The good boy does not come. Should have put the leash on him after all. Ed would give me such a lecture for yet again not maintaining stric
t doggy protocol.

  “Clem, c’mon,” protests Tim. “I only just got here. Surely you can spare me a minute.”

  “Good night.”

  “Seriously?”

  “You’re acting like I owe you my time or attention or something. I don’t. Goodbye.”

  He grabs at my elbow and I yank it back, dislodging his hold. “Hey—”

  “Do not touch me!”

  “Jesus.” The face he makes, like I’m the one being unreasonable. He staggers a few steps away. Give me strength, the hurt expression he casts over his shoulder. “Fine. I was just trying to be friendly. There’s no need to be such a cunt.”

  I stand there, blinking. My heart going approximately a zillion miles an hour. Even my hands are shaking as Tim makes his way up the stairs, dicks around drunkenly with his keys for a minute, before finally managing to get the door open. And all the while, I’m trying to remember my self-defense training. Trying to call up what Gavin would tell me to do at moments like this. But my brains are scrambled from the fear. My mind is a useless blank. Then Tim’s gone, disappeared inside.

  Oh thank fuck. Holy shit. I take a deep breath and let it out slow. Everything’s okay.

  “Gordy. Not cool, buddy. You need to come when I call you.”

  Gordon hangs his head.

  “Come here.” I hold out my hand until he’s pressing his head against it, angling for an ear rub. If he wasn’t so gorgeous I’d be seriously irritated. But how can anyone stay cranky in the face of such doggy perfection. “Are you finally finished screwing around out there? Does everything within a ten-mile radius now carry your scent, hmm?”

  His butt wiggles, tail whipping back and forth. I crouch down to give him a cuddle. One of us needs the comfort. Let’s not say who. “We need to keep a baseball bat by the door like Frances has, don’t we? Or I should have brought my mace out with me. That would have been the smart thing to do.”