“That’s a pleasant thought.”
“Yeah, everyone else was thinking the same. Though Nick was…”
Sean’s amused expression softened. “He was there.”
“We were all there, Sean,” Aidan said with a snort.
Sean shook his head. “No. I mean when Clint died. Matt and Ricardo were covering our flanks, so they weren’t there when Clint got hit. No one but me and Nick. I saw Clint after he was hit, laying there and...I think Nick saw the hit happen, but he’s never said.”
Aidan frowned. “Jesus, why?”
“Why didn’t he say anything? I guess some things are too hard to say out loud.”
Aidan snorted softly, rubbing his wrist unconsciously. “I can understand that a bit.”
“I think you understand it a lot.”
Aidan looked up, brow creasing. “Not as much as you guys. I’ve never lost a teammate, hell I’ve never had a team before now. So I can’t really say I’ve gone through the shit you guys have.”
“You grew up in the system, that can be bad enough.”
Aidan blinked. “Umm…”
“Got into the military the minute you could, and always worked where you had to. Never really stayed in one place for too long, never really had a team to be dedicated to.”
“Sean…”
“Sounds kind of lonely to me.”
“Where did you hear all this?”
Sean looked up at him, eyes soft. “Tell me about your last assignment.”
Aidan’s chest tightened, and he pushed away from the ground. Whatever was happening, he didn’t want any part of it. Sean was...yes, he was probably rattled from his near-death experience on top of whatever horror and pain he had suffered in the past. But this was the sort of thing that someone else should deal with, someone better suited for it, like say, Ricardo.
Anyone else. But not him.
“I should let the others know you’re okay,” Aidan said hastily as he made to get to his feet.
“I’ve been making you suffer for the sins of someone else,” Sean said, stopping Aidan cold.
Aidan looked away. “Yours?”
“I...don’t know if they’re mine or not. I still can’t decide if it’s my fault or not that Clint is dead. But I know that if it’s mine or someone else’s, you’re the one who’s got the worst of it. The rest of the team have got it too, but you, being the new guy, being Clint’s...replacement, you got it the worst.”
Aidan swallowed hard, fighting to keep himself in check. “What...what’s your point?”
“Whose sins have I been paying for?”
The question was said so softly that if the wind had been blowing any harder above them, Aidan might not have heard it. But he had, and it sucked the breath from his lungs.
Aidan’s shoulders sagged, and he looked down at his feet. “You think that’s what’s been happening?”
“It’s hard to say for sure. You’re not exactly open about what happened to you before, and maybe...okay, it’s definitely my fault. But the more I think about it, the more I realize maybe I’m not the only one with a chip on my shoulder. I’m not the only one who’s still mad about something.”
Aidan looked up, unable to help his smile. “You hit your head pretty hard on the way down, huh?”
Sean smiled, looking kinder and warmer than he’d ever done before. The man that Aidan thought he might have glimpsed before was rising to the surface, and now that he was there, Aidan wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do with him.
Aidan sighed, sitting back. “It’s a stupid story, with a stupid ending.”
“I know I haven’t done a whole lot to earn it, but I want to hear it.”
It was stupid. He shouldn’t even be tempted to tell Sean, of all people, the story. But the more he thought back on things, the more he realized so much of what he’d seen in Sean had been desperation. Desperation to get Aidan out, desperation to refuse to accept Aidan, to drive him away, to keep him at arm’s length. Had Sean been running from something this whole time? Something that had finally caught up with him?
Aidan looked down at his hands. “He was...the commander of the last base I was stationed at.”
“A...boyfriend?” Sean guessed.
Aidan chuckled. “No, but he sure wished he was, I can tell you that. Don’t get me wrong, Jason was...attractive. Actually, he looked a lot like you.”
Sean frowned, managing to wriggle an arm free. “I’m going to guess that’s not going to be a compliment by the time this story is done.”
Aidan shrugged. “Not a compliment or an insult. You’re both good looking, hell, I’d even call you hot.”
Sean snorted. “Can’t remember the last time someone sober called me hot.”
Aidan looked up, smirking. “Maybe I’m not all that sober.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “Thank you for making me wonder if some drunk asshole has been leading my team this whole time.”
It could have almost been the Sean that Aidan would have sworn he was used to, but the tone didn’t quite match the harshness of his words. There was a playful sarcasm to it that had never been there before. Where Sean might have grown annoyed with him, mad at his refusal to...do what Sean wanted, there was an acceptance, an ability to roll with Aidan’s wit and a slight touch of irreverence.
And God, if that didn’t make him more likely to spill his story.
“But even at your worst with me, you were never like him,” Aidan continued.
Sean snorted softly, finally pulling his eyes away from Aidan. “I’ve been kind of a dick, so I find that hard to believe.”
“You pushed me hard, harder than you should have. You wanted me out, you wanted me gone, and sometimes you were unfair. But you didn’t use your position unfairly. You didn’t try to force me to do something I didn’t want to do.”
Sean looked up, eyes widening. “Did he…”
Aidan jerked his head up, shaking it. “No. He tried pushing me, ‘negotiating’ as he called it sometimes, but he never...succeeded in pushing it physically.”
“But he tried to.”
“Yes.”
The advances had been easy to fend off, swerve around, and avoid. Hell, it was just one more game, albeit with more at stake than Aidan would have liked. Jason had wanted him and was willing to pull out all the stops to have him. At first, Aidan had taken it in his stride, until months later, when the commander had cornered him, pressing against him, and tried to take what wasn’t his.
Aidan snorted. “Let’s just say, when I made it very clear he wasn’t getting what he wanted, things went downhill for me.”
“That’s why you were pushed out and forced onto a team.”
“And why General Winter wasn’t so sure that I might be a good fit for your team.”
Sean frowned. “What?”
“I...don’t know how much General Winter knows about what happened, but he knows enough to know that something went seriously wrong. He was afraid that being put on your team would be too much for me. Something tells me the man knows more than he lets on but doesn’t show it.”
Sean snorted. “I’ve heard stuff like that before.”
Aidan shrugged. “So there it is. Some guy tried to ruin my life because I wouldn’t sleep with him, and you were the one who paid for it.”
“Considering you just saved my life, I don’t think I’m paying for it too much.”
“To be fair, you saved mine first,” Aidan pointed out.
Sean reached out, resting a hand on Aidan’s knee. “Take the compliment Sergeant, or I’ll kick your ass when I can stand.”
Aidan reached down before he could question it. Sean’s fingers in his were warm, both a relief and a comfort as he curled his grip around his team leader’s and gave a squeeze. Looking up into Sean’s bright green eyes, he felt a knot in his chest loosen, freeing him to say something that was both innocent and altogether not at the same time.
“Yes, Staff Sergeant.”
15
<
br /> Sean
“Doing alright, Staff Sergeant?” he heard Aidan call from behind him.
Sean waved his walking stick in the general direction of where he’d heard Aidan’s voice. “I’m fine, worry about your damn self.”
“Let us know if you need to rest your gimpy leg!”
That time, Sean did turn around to shoot the other man a glare. Aidan looked back, the lower half of his mouth covered by his mask, but his eyes were gleaming with amusement. Using his free hand, Sean raised a one-finger salute to the other man, earning him a muffled chuckle.
The truth was, his ankle was in a constant state of pain, but Sean wasn’t going to let that stop him from continuing. Once he’d warmed up, and the team had done what they could for his injuries, Sean had been anxious to continue their trek to the rendezvous point. They had been close enough to the end of their not so little training exercise that he thought he could make the rest of the trip without trouble.
Plus, General Winter, in his supposed wisdom, had decided to leave them without the means to communicate with the rest of the world. The only way Sean would have been able to avoid having to make the rest of the trip on foot would be to split up the group and have some of them go on to the rendezvous point and leave the rest of them behind. Like hell was Sean going to have them go their separate ways, they were going to cross that finish line as a team.
Aidan sidled up next to him, speaking quietly. “Seriously, though, if we need to stop for a bit, let me know. I can find us a safe spot to take a breather.”
Sean shot him a grateful look but grunted. “We’re almost there, and I’m not stopping now.”
“Stubborn.”
“You’re goddamn right.”
Aidan chuckled and fell back a couple of paces, letting Sean continue to lead the pack. Thanks to Aidan’s guidance, and Ricardo’s first-hand knowledge of how to survive the climate, they were pretty well set up to make the last few miles in one piece. The worst of the trip was hopefully behind them, and despite Sean’s injuries, the team’s morale had improved dramatically from the moment they’d left the cave behind.
Even the weather had improved, with the heavy gray clouds which had hung constantly in the sky having finally separated to let the sun peek through. It was just enough to lift the dismal feel of the frozen forest, but not enough to blind them when the sunlight made the snow sparkle as they trekked across it.
A shuffling noise behind brought his head up, and he looked to find Aidan at his side once more. “What’s up?”
Aidan chuckled. “Still getting used to the idea of you not snarling at me every time you look at me.”
Sean rolled his eyes. “I already apologized for being an ass. Do you want me to go back on it?”
Aidan smiled, giving him a wink. “I’m not complaining. But after dealing with it for a few weeks, it’s weird seeing you be nice.”
“Don’t push it,” Sean growled.
Aidan laughed. “Now, there’s the Staff Sergeant I know and oh so love.”
“Don’t blow smoke up my ass.”
Aidan smirked. “If you’re a good boy, maybe I’ll do something else with your ass.”
It was the first mention of anything sexual since their talk in the cave. Sean hadn’t given too much thought to their interlude in the alley back near the base, or the fast, secret blowjob while they’d been camping. Sean had found he was relieved to simply have peace between him and Aidan, and the feeling that maybe there was some peace coming from within him as well.
Sean glanced over his shoulder nervously. “Aidan, what the hell?”
Aidan chuckled. “Matt and Nick are too busy arguing with one another about what the best show is to watch when we get back, and Ricardo is holding the back end, keeping an eye out. Chill.”
“Still,” Sean said, checking to confirm that his team was, in fact, both distracted and quietly bickering.
“Is that a no?” Aidan asked.
Sean didn’t know what his answer was. He was glad the two of them had finally found a way to get along, but reintroducing whatever sexual element had been between them before, left him unsure what to do next.
He’d seen Aidan naked, covered in water, and groaning in pleasure as the shower cascaded over him. He’d both seen and felt Aidan, pressed against the outer wall of a bar, as Sean buried himself to the hilt. Sean could still clearly hear the small gasps and the quiet moans as he’d sunk into Aidan, fucking him as if their lives depended on it. And he knew what Aidan looked like in the dim light of the forest, on his knees and sucking him deep. The thoughts and memories flashed through his head in rapid succession, and his stomach twisted, a spark of need that warmed him as they trudged through the snow.
But should they continue? And what would continuing mean once they got back? It was one thing to feel conflicted about it when he’d hated the man, when he’d done everything he could to push Aidan away and leave him on the outside. What would all of that mean now that they’d accepted one another, having seen bits and pieces of what lay beneath the masks they’d thrown up around themselves to hide?
Aidan squinted. “You’re thinking. That’s not usually a good sign.”
Sean leaned in close, waiting until Aidan took the hint and threw an arm around his waist. To the team behind them, it might have looked as though Aidan was giving him some support as they hiked over the next hill. Leaning in close enough that Sean felt confident no one could hear him, he decided it was safe.
“I don’t want to talk about this here. That...is between you and me.”
“You think the team would care?” Aidan asked quietly.
Sean didn’t look back and only hesitated for a second before shaking his head. “They don’t care that I’m into guys, and wouldn't care that you are too if that’s what you mean.”
“It wasn’t, but good to know.”
Sean snorted. “I’m not trying to hide anything from them, but...neither of us knows what’s going on between us right now. Do you?”
Aidan opened his mouth, hesitated, and then shut it again. After a moment, a thoughtful frown crossed his features and he shrugged.
“No, I guess I don’t.”
“Exactly. Let’s get home, get everyone safe. And we can deal with everything else later.”
The thoughtful expression never left Aidan’s face, but he nodded his agreement. Sean noticed the man didn’t remove his arm from around Sean’s waist, even as the ground leveled out beneath them, making it easier for Sean to walk on his injured ankle.
It was a small gesture, probably one that anyone else on his team would have done. But Sean could imagine that if they weren’t bundled up in heavy winter gear, Aidan might have snuck his fingers into Sean’s shirt, playing with his hips and stomach. Sean wasn’t sure if that was just his assessment of the man’s personality or wishful thinking on his part.
And he wasn’t sure what he wanted or what Aidan wanted. But for now, the feel of Aidan’s strong arm around his waist as he walked silently beside him was enough. Whatever awaited them once they got back to Fort Dale, Sean felt assured they could and would readily support each other.
Sean stopped short as they came through the line of trees to the clearing. Waiting in the middle was a canvas tent, the flaps sealed around the edges and looking incredibly out of place in the middle of the otherwise wilderness area.
Aidan snorted. “The fuck…?”
“Did General Winter just slap a tent out here for us?” Matt asked.
Nick sighed. “Or there’s people in there. Waiting for us.”
Matt frowned at him. “Who the hell slaps a couple of guys in a tent in the woods and tells them to wait?”
“Pretty sure General Winter would,” Nick said.
It wasn’t a large tent, enough to fit a couple of guys comfortably. The five of them would be squeezed close together once they’d filed into it, though. Sean sighed, not sure what the hell their commanding officer was up to but lurched his way forward. All he wanted was
to be back in the relative comfort and safety of his apartment on the base.
One side of the tent rustled, and a gloved hand stuck out, shoving the flap aside. A young soldier, probably only a few months out of basic training, poked his head out of the flap and stared at them.
“Oh, thank God, you guys Team Maelstrom?” the soldier asked.
Aidan snorted. “No, we’re some other group of well-equipped soldiers who happened to wander into the arranged rendezvous point the General set up. Jesus.”
The soldier blinked. “I mean, alright, don’t have to be an ass about it.”
Sean growled. “You spend the past week having to get through this shit instead of holed up in what’s probably a heated tent, and you tell us again not to be cranky. Do me a favor, and shut your mouth and get us the hell out of here.”
Aidan pointed at Sean. “What he said.”
The soldier looked between them with wide eyes, darting back and forth nervously. “Right, well, we’re going to need to go to the communications tent to do that. We don’t get any service here.”
Matt scoffed. “He seriously set the endpoint in a dead zone? Jesus.”
Sean pointed at Matt. “Go with them. Make sure they don’t screw anything up.”
From inside the tent came an indignant voice. “We know what the hell we’re doing.”
Aidan rolled his eyes. “Call it a precaution. We’ve been through some shit, humor us.”
The two soldiers waddled out of the tent, grumbling, but they didn’t argue as Matt hurried off after them.
Nick watched them go, letting out a sigh. “I should probably go with them and make sure he doesn’t fiddle with anything.”
Sean eyed him. “Don’t trust him?”
“You know how he gets when he’s around new shiny toys.”
Sean snorted, waving him off. “Go.”
Aidan groaned. “Fuck, it’s going to take forever for them to get here, isn’t it?”
Trust Me, I Hate You Page 12
