Reckless

by Elle Casey

  “Everyone has stress in their lives. That’s not an excuse,” said Kevin, not at all ready to just forget everything his father had done.

  “I know that. But some people handle stress better than others. It brings out the ugly part of my personality, unfortunately. But your mother has convinced me to get help.” He held out his arm for her and she quickly stepped over to be with him. “I started to see someone … a therapist. And I want you to know I’m going to keep going until I get everything worked out. I’m committed to it a hundred and ten percent.”

  “He’s done really well so far, Kevin. You’d be very proud of him.”

  Kevin was more than stunned. His father had always talked really badly about therapists, calling them quacks and thieves.

  Candi took a step towards Frank. “I think it’s great that you’re doing that, Mr. Peterson. Congratulations.”

  She squeaked in surprise when he released his wife and stepped up to give her a warm hug.

  “Thank you, Candi. That means a lot.” He let her go and walked back to be next to his wife. “We’re really worried about Sarah. We’d like to see her. But if you think we should wait, we’ll wait. Whatever you think is best - you know your sister better than we do. We don’t want to cause her any more pain; I hope you can believe that.”

  Kevin didn’t know what to say. If this wasn’t a trick, it was maybe exactly what Sarah needed … real parents. But if it was just his father being an ass, which he was really good at being, then it would be the last thing she needed. He shook his head. “Who are you, and what have you done with my father? You know … Frank Peterson? Mister Hardass himself?”

  Frank grimaced, raising his hand halfway. “Still me. Still a hardass. Only now I’m trying to channel it in other ways.”

  Kevin shook his head. “Let me go ask her. I’ll be right back.” He nodded at the Buckleys who were still standing in the front hall on his way up. The sounds of them greeting a jubilant Candi followed him up the stairs.

  He took the stairs three at a time up to the temporary hospital room they’d made for Sarah in the safehouse. She was lying in an official hospital bed, wearing comfortable pajamas one of the agents had bought for her.

  She turned her head as he entered. The doctor nodded and left them in the room together. “Hey, bro,” she said in a soft voice.

  “Hey, sis. Listen, I have some good news and some bad news.”

  Sarah looked at him blankly. “I’m not sure I can handle any more bad news in my life right now.” Her hand went down to her stomach and rubbed it absently.

  “Okay, I’ll skip that part. Good news … dad seems to have had some sort of epiphany and is no longer a flaming assbag.”

  Sarah remained quiet, her face impassive.

  Kevin wasn’t sure what to do with that response, so he talked some more. “He’s seeing a therapist. Can you believe that? And he was really nice to mom, too.”

  “So?”

  “So … and here comes the bad news you didn’t want to hear … he wants to see you. They both do.”

  “No,” she said turning away, but not before he saw the tears in her eyes.

  “Come on, Sarah. Don’t be like that.”

  She whipped her head back, glaring at him. “I can be any way I want! I don’t have to see those jerks ever again if I don’t want to!”

  Kevin took her hand off the top of the covers, rubbing it awkwardly. “You’re right. You don’t have to. No one will let them up here if you say no. But I think you should let them up. Talk to them. For me?”

  “Don’t do that, Kevin. Don’t ask me like that.” She was crying now, letting the tears fall freely down her cheeks.

  “If I thought for a second that he’d say anything rude to you, I’d beat his ass out on the front lawn myself. But I honestly think he wants to just apologize and try to be supportive.”

  She snorted angrily. “He doesn’t even have a clue how to do that.”

  “He seems different.” He squeezed his sister’s hand to shut down the argument he saw coming. “I know it hasn’t been very long, but maybe almost losing us made him see the light. I don’t know. But seriously. Just give him one chance, and if he screws it up, I’ll throw him out myself. I’ve got your back.”

  “I know you do,” she said, sighing pitifully. “Fine. Show the assbag in. But don’t you dare leave me alone with him.”

  Kevin looked around. “Where’s Jonathan? I thought he was up here with you.”

  “No, he’s in the other room using the FBI agent’s laptop to surf the Internet. He’s talking to Stephen, telling him we don’t need him to be our messenger anymore.”

  “I hope someone contacts Jason, too,” said Kevin, trying to be fair to the guy.

  “He is. Candi made sure of that.”

  Kevin frowned but said nothing. His girlfriend had made it more than clear how she felt about his jealousy. He turned to go, using his best Terminator voice to say, “I’ll be back,” before going out of the room and back down the stairs.

  His parents were standing in the living room, speaking with the Buckleys in hushed tones. Candi was next to her father, his arm draped across her shoulders. She was nodding her head at something Frank had said.

  “Sarah said you can come up.”

  Frank separated himself from the group. “Mind if it’s just me to start? Angie said she’d go second.”

  “Whatever. I’m coming with you.” Kevin followed his father up the stairs, forcing himself not to crack his knuckles in preparation for a fight.

  ***

  Sarah was so nervous she felt like she was going to be sick. The sounds of footsteps coming up the stairs made her want to run. But she was wired to this stupid hospital bed and the machines around it, and too weak to pull all of it out and go. Sweat broke out on her upper lip, and she swiped it away angrily. She hated that her father could do this to her so easily.

  The door opened slowly, and Kevin’s head peeked in. “We’re here … me and dad. You decent?”

  “Shut up,” said Sarah, smiling even though she didn’t feel like it.

  He came in and her father followed.

  Kevin was right. He looked different. Weird. He looks like … a wimp. She was so used to her father being bigger than life, busting into rooms, talking in a voice that was always too loud and sales pitchy. Here was a man whose chest wasn’t sticking out like a rooster anymore. He held a baseball hat in his hands, scrunching up the bill, folding it in half and running his fingers nervously along the edges.

  “Hello,” Frank said, his voice barely above a whisper. His gaze took in the machines beeping and the bed raised up high enough for doctors and nurses to manage her wound and other medical needs.

  “Hi,” she said warily. She was waiting for the scolding to begin.

  He walked closer to the bed, stopping just at her side. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like crap. Thanks for asking.”

  “Sarah …,” warned Kevin.

  She scowled at him once before turning back to her father, waiting for his next move.

  “We heard you were shot. We’ve been so worried. Worried sick, in fact.”

  “Yeah, well, we did what we had to do. Sorry I got mom all upset.”

  Frank reached out and took her hand. “It wasn’t just your mother. I was upset too.”

  Sarah looked at the ceiling, ignoring his touch, not allowing herself to get set up for the fall that was surely coming. She’d spent enough years yearning for his affection to know that pain and disappointment were inevitable. “Well, as you can see, Kevin’s fine, so you can go home now.”

  “But you’re not. And that’s why we’re here. That’s why I’m here.”

  Sarah said nothing.

  Her father squeezed her hand, rubbing the back of it gently with his thumb. “I was a genuine asshole to you, Sarah. And to your mother and by extension to your brother, too. I’m sorry. I’m man enough to admit I’ve made some big mistakes. But I want you to know I’m tryi
ng to fix it. I’m willing to fix it. I want to do that. But it will make it a lot easier if you could find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  Sarah yanked her hand away, crying now and unable to stop it. “Did they tell you? Is that why you’re here?”

  “Tell me what?”

  “About me? About the baby? I’ll bet you’re happy about it!”

  The door opened suddenly and Jonathan came in. “What’s going on here?” He strode over to Sarah’s opposite side, positioning himself across from Frank. “Why are you crying?” He looked up at Frank. “Mr. Peterson, I think you should leave now.”

  Frank put his hands back onto his ballcap.

  “He didn’t say anything wrong,” said Kevin. “He’s just trying to apologize for being a dick.”

  Frank turned around to look at his son, but Kevin shrugged. “Sorry about the language, but it’s pretty accurate.”

  Frank nodded, facing Sarah again. “He’s right. It’s accurate.”

  “Wow,” said Jonathan. “Did you just admit you’re a male’s private part or did I misunderstand?”

  “No, you’ve got it right,” said Frank, sighing. “I need to apologize to you too, Jonathan.” He held out his hand across the bed for a handshake. “I’ve been unfair. You’ve been very good to my daughter, and I owe you for that. You were there for her when I should have been.”

  Jonathan stared at his hand and then at Sarah.

  She said nothing; she just watched him very, very carefully. Her emotions were on a roller coaster ride from hell. What he did right now would mean so much to her. She didn’t even know what the right thing to do was, just that it would say something - mean something - to her.

  Jonathan’s hands remained at his sides. “Sir, I’d like to shake your hand right now, I really would. But until Sarah decides that you are forgiven in her heart, I cannot do it in good conscience.”

  Sarah started bawling, holding out her arms for Jonathan.

  He leaned down without hesitation and enveloped her in his strong embrace, letting her cry all over his shoulder.

  “What do you want me to do?” he whispered in her ear.

  She got her sobs under control before answering. “Oh, just shake his stupid hand. Get it over with.”

  Jonathan gently released her and held out his hand. “I accept your apology.”

  Frank entered into the handshake. “Thank you.” He turned to Sarah. “I’ll give you all the time you need to figure this out. I don’t expect the world. Just one chance, that’s it.”

  “That’s asking a lot,” said Sarah in a voice barely above a whisper.

  “I know. But I’m asking for it anyway.”

  “One chance,” she said, her heart thumping painfully in her chest as she took in his earnest expression and tears.

  He nodded once. “I’m going to get your mother. She’s been worried sick.” He turned to leave the room.

  “Dad?” said Sarah as he reached the door.

  He turned. “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry too.”

  Frank came back to give her a hug. She cried with abandon, for the baby she’d lost, for the years her father and she had wasted, for the huge ugly memory she’d always carry on her shoulder of the day she’d taken a person’s life from him. She’d been reckless and paid for it, and she’d been thinking she’d never be able to recover. But feeling the safety and love from her father, the one who she’d thought had abandoned her forever, gave her hope.

  Maybe … just maybe … there could be joy in her life again.

  ***

  Jonathan laid the flowers down on the tiny headstone, standing again to put his arm around Sarah’s shoulders. They were alone in the cemetery, their armed guards standing near the parked cars, their family waiting patiently inside the black sedans with tinted windows.

  “I didn’t even get a chance to meet her,” whispered Sarah.

  “I know. But she’ll always be with us. Our little Peanut.” He was crying, but it was important that he get the words out, not just for Sarah but for himself. Strong emotion was never something he was comfortable with, but this expression of it was an imperative. This moment was a defining one in his life and Sarah’s. They’d made a new, precious life together and it had been cruelly taken away from them. And now there was nothing tying this woman - the love of his life - to him but bonds that were forged during adversity and bad memories. He was afraid he was going to lose not only his baby but Sarah too, and he could barely stand the pain it caused.

  “Do you think she knows about us? That we were her parents?” Sarah asked.

  “I don’t know,” Jonathan said in a rough voice. “I want to think so.”

  “I do think so. I really do. I was her momma and you were her daddy. And we would have been good parents. Great ones.”

  “I know you would have been the best mother in the entire world. No one is more dedicated and loving and tough. You fought to save her life.”

  “And in the end, I lost it anyway. If I had just not …” She couldn’t finish. Her tears were too much.

  Jonathan turned her to face him, staring her in the eyes. “Sarah, I don’t ever want to hear you say that … do you understand?”

  She stared at him, tears and other stuff running down her face.

  “You are not to blame for what happened. You did everything right. Everything. I’ve analyzed it eighteen times. I’ve factored in every variable I could come up with, and no matter what, it always comes out the same.”

  “You did?” she asked, a hint of hope in her voice. “You did that? Why?”

  “Because. I knew it would be bothering you. I knew you’d blame yourself. You do that all the time. But you are not omniscient nor omnipotent. You don’t have that kind of power. But you do have a strong moral compass and a personality that doesn’t let you quit when things get tough. That’s why … that’s why I love you. That’s why I know you did the right thing. That’s why I know that someday, not like we’d recently been planning, but someday, you will be the best mom in the world.”

  Sarah leaped into his arms. “You still love me,” she said into his chest.

  Jonathan frowned. “Of course I do, silly. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because …”

  “Because nothing,” he said, cutting her off. “I love you, and that’s all there is to it. I can’t control it. It’s perfectly logical, so there’s no point in my fighting it. You’re beautiful and wonderful and there’s no one I’d rather be with. It’s simple math, really.”

  Sarah stepped away, staring into his eyes. “I am so fucking lucky.”

  He smiled, feeling relieved over her use of foul language for some reason. “Are you back to swearing now?”

  “Yes. Until I’m pregnant again. Which won’t happen until after we finish college and after we’re married.”

  Jonathan’s throat was sore from holding back the tears, but he sensed Sarah needed strength right now, so that’s what he gave her. “That appears to be a very sound plan. I’m fully on board if that’s what makes you happy.”

  She reached up and patted his cheek. “Yes. It makes me very happy.”

  Jonathan took her by the hand, leading her away from the grave. “Are you ready to do this?”

  She sighed heavily, looking back once before facing the cars again. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “I’ll be right with you the entire way. Candi and Kevin will be too. Xena and James can’t come inside, but they’ll wait for us.”

  “I know. Our family and the dogs are the only things making any of this bearable.”

  They reached the cars, covering the rest of the ground in silence. Climbing into the limousine, they joined Kevin and Candi and the two dogs whose tails were going nonstop at their return. Both of the humans in the car had been crying.

  “You okay?” asked Candi, searching both of their faces.

  “As good as can be expected,” said Jonathan, not trusting himself to say anymore. He hadn’t yet cried a
ll the tears he needed to, in order to say goodbye to his unborn child.

  ***

  “You guys ready to testify?” asked Kevin. “That prep work we did with the lawyers didn’t seem that bad.”

  The string of cars pulled away from the curb.

  “I’m just glad they arranged the trial so that we could do this now and not wait anymore. I didn’t realize they could have witnesses come in out of order,” said Candi, stopping to blow her nose. She’d cried so many tears, she was surprised her body still had any fluid left to manufacture them. The sadness had hung over all of them like a heavy cloak for days. Even Sarah’s parents doing a one-eighty and being loving for a change hadn’t made it any easier. And she knew she was only feeling the sorrow of an aunt. It was nothing compared to the special misery reserved for parents of a lost baby.

  “I wish they’d offered that to us from the beginning,” said Sarah absently, staring out the window.

  “There’s no point in wondering why things happened the way they did. Let’s just get through this and focus on unwinding this summer,” said Jonathan, holding Sarah’s hand in his lap.

  “What are we going to do this summer, anyway?” asked Kevin. “I used to feel like doing a million things, but all I want to do now is disappear.”

  “Yeah. Back to our island,” said Candi wistfully. Life was so much simpler there.

  “Maybe we could take a vacation,” said Jonathan. “With that reward money we’re getting for furnishing information leading to the prosecution of Baskov, we can afford to go anywhere we want. We could even take a year off school if we needed to. Our parents already suggested it.”

  Candi shook her head. “I just need the summer. Then I’ll decide about the rest of it after.”

  Sarah said nothing, her free hand gently stroking Xena’s head. Xena rested her jaw on Sarah’s lap, seeming to just know somehow that she needed warmth and love, not words. She ignored the bandages she still wore and the pain it obviously caused her to move around so much. Her only thought seemed to be for her humans.

  They rode the rest of the way to the federal courthouse in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Candi handed out tissues to anyone who teared up, eventually running out because everyone seemed to have some out-of-control emotions to deal with before the day was done.