Conheartists

by J. D. Hollyfield

  “Henry? Gee willikers, what are you three up to?” Here I am going against my mob boss father to do it my way and my reinforcements are on their way to Vegas! I shake my head, dreading to have to go back downstairs and explain that maybe my way isn’t the best way.

  Mabel doesn’t answer my question, but continues, “It doesn’t matter. Fran, I need to tell you something. And you’re not gonna be happy.”

  I dig my fingers into my eyeball sockets, exhaling a long sigh. “I’m sure whatever it is, Mabel, it’s fine. Nothing really can beat the news I found out today anyhow.”

  “I knew Vincent was alive.”

  Okay, that might top it. “Excuse me, WHAT?”

  “Jesus!—you’re pulling my hair!”

  Scuffling.

  Bea’s voice takes the stage. “Frannie, it’s me again. I didn’t know nothin’ about this,” she huffs. “My wretched sister filled us in on the way here. Don’t be mad at me. I love ya, girl. It’s all her. Let’s get rid of her in the desert—Hag!”

  “Frannie, listen to me,” Mabel pleads. “I had my reasons for not telling you. Please understand. It was for your safety.”

  “And your snatch!” Bea yells from the background. “Oh, Paul, touch me in so many dirty ways!—Jesus, you bit me!”

  I hear the phone drop and more scuffling. “That’s to shut you up. Frannie, you still there?” Mabel asks, breathless.

  “Regretfully.” Because this can’t get any worse.

  “Your daddy came to me. I threatened to rip his balls off and feed them to him through his ass, but he explained why he was doing what he was doing. He didn’t want your momma to know because she would obsess over it and when I’d spoken to him. It was just to make sure you were safe. For what it’s worth, it was only through Paul.”

  Gosh darn traitor Paul.

  “How? When?”

  There’s a bit of silence before she answers. “Well, when I said I had them bridge lessons.”

  I gasp. Because it’s impossible not to. “You had bridge lessons once a month!” And it also sinks in. “And you were always so cheery after them.” Ew! I want to cry right now. Everyone I love is betraying me. Not that I loved Paul. He was getting there on my list for saving us, but still. Bad Paul.

  “I enjoyed bridge. And his foreign accent. We’re getting off track here. Listen, we can talk about all this later, but we’re headed to you.”

  Now that perks my mood. “You are? How do you know where I am?” Okay, stupid question. Actually, I don’t care. I need them and they’re coming to me. That’s all that matters. “About time you said something I need to hear. Listen, you’re right. I do need you guys. I have a plan and it won’t work without you.”

  “Honey, whatever it is, we’re in. You tell us what you need us to do and dammit, we’re all over it like shit on flies!”

  Ew. “I think it’s flies on shhhh—you know what I mean!” I blush at the unladylike word of choice.

  “Oh, hell, whatever. Count us in!”

  God, I hope this works.

  After the most bizarre call, I came back downstairs and told everyone my plan. Lindsay looked skeptical. Dad’s third man in charge looked confused. Dad looked ready to tie me up and hold me hostage, so I don’t attempt to go through with my plan. Chandler yapped in agreement and Cala clapped ready to catch bad guys while holding a night crawler net.

  I reassured Lindsay with a hug. Gave my dad a look that said remember our deal or else. Chandler got a bone because he was a major player in the game and Cala a bunch of sugar, because unfortunately, she was going to Gordon’s to wait this one out.

  After we go over the plan for a third time, everyone goes their separate ways to gather their thoughts and prepare. Mabel and crew are still a few hours out, so we have some time before we have to head out. I bypassed lunch because my stomach was in knots. I can’t eat knowing Luca’s in danger. Not to mention those frozen logs of French toast are still sitting in my stomach. Darn those things.

  Before I know it, Lindsay’s sticking her head in my room. “They’re here.”

  It’s now or never.

  Time to go save my Clyde.

  Mabel

  Look! Titties!

  “I think I see someone comin’,” Beatrice whispers, more like hisses like a hyena. I smack her shoulder, needing her to shut her mouth.

  “Will ya be quiet? We need to be incognito,” I snap, stepping outside of our car. Our con is simple. We pretend we’re two old ladies, who’ve lost our minds and way. A black car, with the license plate ending in ZRW2, and the second shift henchmen for Rossi should pass through. We need to get him to pull over and help us. While we’ve got him out of his car, Henry will slash his tires and take a wrench to his head. Sounds brutal and messy and thrilling. I rub my hands together, waiting to see if this is our guy. “Yep, it’s him. Henry, go hide!”

  Henry ducks behind the car, while Beatrice sticks her leg out, pulling her dress up.

  “Oh hell, he’s gonna speed up seeing that! Put your damn leg down. Throw yourself in the road or something.”

  “What if he hits me?”

  “Wouldn’t be the worst thing.”

  My sister gives me the bird and drops her dress. The car nears around the bend, and the front plate comes into view. It’s definitely him. “All right. Just get him to stop. Smile at him. Maybe he’ll veer off the road and Henry won’t have to put the hurt on him.”

  Henry pops up from the side. “No way. I’ve been looking to test out this choke hold move since ’Nam. Don’t screw this up, honey.”

  Shivers run down my spine. No need for me to hear those two sweet talkin’ each other.

  When the car is only one hundred feet away, Beatrice steps into the middle of the road, waving her hands and clucking like a chicken. I shake my head, knowing we should have left her at home. That little girl could have done a better job. I open my mouth to tell her to cut it out, when the vehicle begins to slow, then is pulling to the side.

  “You lost, lady?”

  “Oh heavens no. I was on my way to visit my granddaughter, Little Red Riding Hood, and my car broke down. Think you can take a look at it?”

  Jesus Christ. Two seconds into our con and she’s gonna blow it. The thug stares Bea down, but a few seconds pass and he nods, walking toward the front of the car. “What seems to be the problem?” he asks, finding the lever and popping the hood. He dips his head in, searching for signs of distress, but clearly doesn’t see any. When he pops back up, his eyes catch movement on the side of the car. “Shit, what’s—”

  “Look! Titties!” Bea whips her dress top down and flashes the thug her boobs, distracting him just in time for Henry to pop out and successfully test out and complete his choke hold.

  The thug drops to the ground.

  “Mission complete. Good work. Even though I think seeing Bea’s tits knocked him out before the choke hold.”

  I send a text to Frannie telling her mission one is complete. On to mission two.

  “Are you sure this is the place?”

  “It has to be. It’s an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere. It sure ain’t a goddamn amusement park.”

  “Well, shoot, if it was, I’d ride me some—”

  “Hell! Stay focused, dammit!” I swat at Beatrice and go to take my shoe off to beat her with it.

  “Now’s not the time, ladies. The guard is outside,” Henry reminds us. “Grab Chandler and let’s go. Time’s a tickin’.”

  We get out of the car, Chandler hopping out behind us, trotting like a dog on a mission.

  “So, what do we do again? And why aren’t we the ones shooting at people? Sounds way more fun,” Beatrice yaps, sounding just as annoying as Chandler when he’s hungry.

  “Because no one suspects old people, that’s why. And if you want, I can shoot at you. Now shut it and get into character,” I bark back.

  Henry puts on the dark glasses, along with his cane, while Beatrice and I both pull the white jumpsuits on over
our clothes. The con is to look like nursing home escapees. Two batshit crazy old women and a blind man. Who would suspect them of any wrongdoing and actually part of the mob, which we made Vincent swear us in as mobsters before setting off on our part of the job. The sun is still out as we walk up to a large warehouse building. A few cars are parked outside, but the only other person in sight is a man standing outside a door. The door that we need to clear so Frannie can get to her man.

  “Whoa whoa, who the fuck are you three?” thug number two questions, his hand cautiously going to his back, where we were warned he’ll hold his gun.

  Show time.

  “Hello there, Sonny! This is Rose and Jack. They’ve just escaped the Titanic. We need to use your bathroom. You got one in that building?”

  His eyes cross. He’s so confused. So am I.

  “Lady, this ain’t a rest stop. You need to be on your way. Beat it, Grannie. And your little dog too.”

  Maybe I should have allowed Bea to do this part. She sure is the crazier one of us two.

  But I’m not leaving without my beau. I mean… Frannie’s beau. Oh, Paul, I hope he’s all still in one piece. Resetting, I start over.

  “You’re right. What am I talking about? My mind, it’s goin’. What year is it again? Marty McFly over here is lost and needs to find where he parked his DeLorean. You gotta phone we could use, preferably inside?”

  Hell! I thought I’d be a lot better at this. Bea rolls her eyes at me, and I’m ready to blow our cover just to kick her ass—

  “Listen up, amigo.” Bea steps in. “See this dog? He’s a smuggler dog. We stole him from the looney bin we just escaped from. We made him eat all the old people’s jewelry. Made out pretty hefty too. Diamond rings galore. We need a place to stash him until he shits it all out. You mind holding on to him?”

  This is crap. He actually believes her! His eyes light up at the sound of diamonds. His hand releases his grip on his gun and he nods and smiles. “Fuck yeah, I’ll take the little mutt. How long until he shits?”

  Bea looks panicked. “Ummm…”

  “Five minutes or less. Hurry, take him inside.” I pick up Chandler and hand him to the gangster. He nods, giving us his back to enter in the code to the door.

  Henry pounces, using his choke hold technique and bringing the guy to the ground.

  I shoot off another text to Frannie. Mission two complete. Door’s unlocked. Hurry.

  Francis

  I Killed My Mother for Making Me the Wrong Sandwich

  My heart is beating out of my chest. I may be sweating a bit and it’s becoming very unladylike. I jump out of the shadows, but Dad grabs my arm. “You be careful. You get in and place the devices where we discussed and get out. I’ll do the rest. Do you hear me?”

  “I hear you. In and out.” My mission is simple. Being the smallest, I need to sneak in without setting off the motion detectors and stick a few wireless bugs inside. Attached to each bug is a device that contains a camera giving Dad access to the inside, and a contraption that is set to explode at the touch of a handy lever I’m holding. Once we have eyes inside, the real job begins. They will set the bombs off, distracting Rossi’s men while Daddy goes and saves Luca and Paul. Sounds simple. Let’s hope it is.

  I run along the side of the building, avoiding two cameras and a motion detector until I’m crouching outside the door Mabel and the others just left. I reach for the handle and twist it, feeling relief when it lets me in.

  The warehouse is dark, cold. Silent. I take a second to listen to any sounds, possibly to hear if Luca is close. The only thing I’m met with is rows and rows of pallet racks. Before we left the house, I memorized the layout. Turns out, Mabel and Paul were going over and beyond when it came to keeping in touch with one another. Bridge night has a whole new meaning now. Refusing to rehash all the graphic details I always swore only Beatrice had in her, I focus on the only detail that matters. The phone tracker app they had so they’d always know where the other was at. It also means we now have access to Paul’s location. Which also means we have access to Luca.

  I stay low and I tiptoe along the corridor of the warehouse, stepping over the first beam, and having to hop over the next. I dig into my pocket and pull out the first device and stick it to the wall. This will give Dad eyes starting now from the left end.

  The next two devices are a piece of cake. I’m almost halfway across the open floorplan when I hear his voice.

  “Let me loose and I’ll show you what a sweet boy I am.”

  Luca!

  It’s then I hear another voice I ping as Rossi’s. “Oh, Luca, how easy it would be to put a bullet through your empty skull. But, you have proved to be quite entertaining to me. And costly. You’ve somehow managed to evade my men at every turn. It was you who dragged my ass across country to do this job myself. I’m going to have fun making you scream, and then when I get your father-in-law and your wife in here, I’m going to make you watch while I skin them alive.”

  My entire body shivers at the mere thought. I take a step out of hiding and spot Luca, along with Paul tied to a chair. Both are slumped over. There’s no hiding the pool of blood underneath each of them. I throw myself out into the open, then reel myself back in. Giving myself away doesn’t help either one of them.

  “You touch one hair on her head…”

  “I’m going to touch every single hair on her head,” he sneers. “And then I’m going to work my way down.” Rossi makes a salacious gesture with his fingers and tongue. My own expression turns foul at his crude gesture, when something crawls across my foot. I spot a large rat the size of Chandler and scream, dropping the lever, accidently detonating the first bomb.

  “Oh crap—”

  KA-BOOM!

  The impact shoots me forward, causing me to skid across the cement floor. I grunt at the way my skin burns. It takes everything in me, but I pick myself up and survey my surroundings. Thankfully, the distraction allows Rossi and his goons to take their attention off Luca and Paul and run toward the place where the bomb went off. That’s when I run to Luca. Bending down first, I work on untying the bindings around his thighs. They loosen and fall away.

  “Jesus, Frannie?” His eyes pop—or one eye since the other is nearly swelled shut—as my heart breaks. He looks just horrible. His face is riddled with cuts and bruises and he’s painted in blood.

  “Oh, Luca, what have they done to you?” I crouch down to work on the ropes around his ankles next. My head is pounding, and I feel something dripping from the side of my head.

  “Dammit, Frannie, what the hell are you doing here?”

  “Saving you, of course.” Darn these ties are really tight. I’m tugging, but these don’t seem to want to come free as easy as the rope around his thighs did.

  “Stop, you need to get out of here. NOW!”

  I look up at him. Not sure why he looks so frantic. This is where I save him and we run out of here—

  “Well, well…”

  Uh-oh.

  “Don’t fucking touch her, Rossi. I’ll gut you from the inside out!” Luca starts wrestling in his chair, but his restraints are too tight.

  I slowly turn to find a man standing over me, a gun pointed to my head. “Um, well, hello there? I’m Francis, and you are?”

  His laughter turns my blood cold. “I’m your death sentence.” He cocks his head to the side, studying me. “This truly is romantic. Real Romeo and Juliet kind of shit.”

  I twist so I’m sitting in front of Luca, my hands behind my back so Rossi can’t see as I continue to fiddle with the ties. “Actually, that’s a poor analogy. Romeo and Juliet weren’t in the middle of a mob fight. They were lovers with conflicting families. Technically the Rossis and the Lambertos are the feuding families here. You can be the Capulets and I’ll be the Montagues, but then that’s just gross because they do actually marry, and that would make us family, in which you’d be my uncle—”

  “Enough!” His eyes light with fire. “I’m no family to you.
I spit on the Lamberto name.”

  “Oh, well then. Your loss. I make a very tasty turkey. No Thanksgiving invitation for you.”

  Rossi takes a menacing step toward me and I lose my grip on Luca’s ties as he bucks again in his chair.

  “I swear it! One fucking finger and you’re dead.”

  That’s when Rossi points the barrel of his gun at Luca. “How about I shoot you in front of her? Romeo and Juliet did watch one another die, am I right?”

  “Well, actually, Romeo thinks that Juliet is already dead, so he—”

  “Shut up!” He lifts his gun and takes one shot to the ceiling. “What is wrong with you?” He waves his gun, while I dodge his aim. “You are just as dumb-headed as your father!”

  “Watch it,” Luca growls, and I turn and smile at my man.

  Another shot rings, this time hitting the concrete by my feet. Small slivers of shrapnel cut into my skin. I howl out in pain, and Luca goes berserk. He fights in his chair to get free, but it’s no use. In the corner of my eye, I catch Rossi’s gun pointed directly at Luca and I panic.

  My body twists and with all my might I lunge myself at him, taking him by the legs and knocking him over. We both fall to the ground. I’m more in shock that I had the power to actually do that, so I miss the opportunity to do anything more. His fist comes at me and makes contact with my mouth, knocking me to the side. He’s up and on top of me before I can shake away the stars floating above my head.

  “You little bitch. Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?”

  I’m going to assume it’s not help me up and get me an ice pack.

  “Get off her! Don’t fucking touch her!” Luca is hollering behind us. The sound of his chair scraping against the cement floor is loud. Rossi grabs my hands and pins them to the ground, taking away any fight I have in me.

  “I’m gonna have fun with you. Right in front of your little hubbie. Oh, by the way, congratulations. My gift to you both. Me fucking you so hard until you bleed to death as he watches.”