The Autumn Leaf

by Brittany Tarkington

  “So good,” I said.

  “I don’t know who you are, but I love you right now.” She giggled, pulling me into the kitchen. She took me to the far side of the room to a small blender. She took my cup, giving both of us a refill.

  “How many is this for you?” I asked, taking my cup from her.

  “No idea.” She looked around the room. She was glowing tonight. Her cheeks were flushed, and her dark hair was twisted into a high ponytail. She was beautiful, but she had no clue.

  “How are things with Tyler?” I asked.

  “Oh my God! He’s the best!” Her eyes were lit up with excitement. I stifled my laughter as I watched her buzzed mind come up with answers through her expressions. “But I don’t want to talk about him.” She wagged her brows.

  I let a nervous laugh escape my lips as I took a huge gulp of this strong drink, she’d made me. “I’m afraid to ask.”

  “Liam,” she attempted to whisper. I looked around nervously, as if someone in this loud place could hear our conversation. And as if they cared.

  “He’s a good friend.”

  “I don’t kiss my friends,” she teased me, and my face lit on fire for the second time tonight. Before I could respond, a guy carrying a tray of shots walked around the room while people cheered.

  “OVER HERE!” Gabby yelled.

  He had to be at least four years older than us, I decided as he handed us a small cup with potent liquid spilling over the sides. She thanked him for both of us and he disappeared into the sea of people waiting for their fix.

  She clinked her cup against mine. “To friends,” she said as she tossed the cup back. I watched her, unsure, before I repeated her actions.

  My face resembled that of a child eating a lemon for the first time. I set the cup down on the counter and Gabby let out a loud laugh.

  “I hate liquor,” I told her.

  “Me too, but it’s okay to act like a normal college kid sometimes.”

  My brow furrowed as I watched her. I could not believe I was agreeing with a drunk girl at a frat party. She refilled her cup and I shook my head, refusing to do more damage. My head was foggy.

  “Speak of the devil!” she said, and I turned around. Tyler and Liam were walking toward us.

  “I thought I told you to bring her back,” Liam said, grinning.

  “You didn’t give me enough time.” Tyler wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him.

  “Solid argument,” he said, nodding to the empty cups beside her on the cabinet. Tyler turned, shoving his head into her neck to hide his laughter.

  “We’re going to take a walk,” Tyler said as he took her cup from her hand. She frowned but went with him willingly.

  “See you later, Autumn!” she called to me.

  Liam laughed. “She’s going to get sick if he can’t slow her down.” He looked at me. Really, really looked at me, and put his hand on his forehead. “You, too?”

  “What?” I giggled, knowing where he was going with this. My head was already swimming.

  I watched as he pulled a small, unopened bag of chips from the cabinet behind me. He grabbed my hand, sighing. “Come with me.”

  I followed him, bumping into people as I stayed behind him. The living room was always the hotspot for parties, and I noticed he quickly picked up his pace when we walked through the room to the stairs.

  Most of the partygoers were congregated around the entrance, with very few dancing in the center. I frowned when I looked at the girls dancing, anxiety swirling in the pit of my stomach. I shook the memory from my head and bolted up the stairs, but not before tripping. I let a laugh escape my lips, but it didn’t slow me down.

  Twenty-Two

  I watched this drunk girl fall face first into my bed, giggling. It wasn’t the first time I had been in this situation, but it was the first time that I felt like an ass. Not so gracefully, she turned around and sat up, patting the space next to her. I was reluctant; rubbing the back of my neck, I sat six inches away from her.

  “I think this is the most fun I’ve had at one of these things,” she said. Even in the dim lights, her face lit with happiness. This girl was the most nervous person in the world, and it was nice to see her loosen up.

  “It’s a damn shame that you had to have alcohol to say that.” If I could have sucked all my words back into my mouth, I would.

  Fuck. I let my face fall into my hands, hoping her buzzed mind would miss everything I said.

  “How’s the new job?” I blurted out, hoping she would drop it.

  “Um, I’ve only worked two shifts so far,” she said. I let out a sigh of relief. If there was one person in this world who understood that people needed secrets, it was Autumn.

  “You don’t drink as much as your friends… other than the bad time,” she said. It wasn’t really a question. It was as if she was figuring me out in her mind and giving me the courtesy of defending myself.

  “That was the first time I’ve been like that since last year.”

  “What happened?” she asked.

  The steady thump in my ears drowned out the silence in the room. I lifted my arm, turning it so she could see the scar on my elbow. It wasn’t really an explanation, but I was hoping she’d drop it tonight. She traced the scar with her finger. Out of instinct, I jerked away.

  Fuck. “Sorry,” I whispered.

  “Gabby said you had an accident…or something,” she said, shaking her head, trying to piece it together with a foggy head.

  All the air left my body. “She did?”

  “Yeah, she just said you had an accident and you don’t play ball anymore,” she explained. Her face was heated with embarrassment.

  “I wish it was that simple,” I replied.

  “Everyone has things in their past they aren’t proud of, Liam.”

  I stood up, paced, and ended up at a table, squeezing the corners before I punched a hole in the wall. I got so angry when it was brought up, even more so when people justified my role. She didn’t know. I had to get my temper in check before I explained.

  “Not everyone can say that if they’d make better decisions two people wouldn’t be dead.” I stared at the wall for an eternity before looking back at Autumn. Her face was unreadable. She didn’t gasp or run out of the room, so that was a start.

  “I think I can,” she said. “But I’m not ready to say that out loud.”

  I propped against the wall, focusing on my breathing. My mind went back to Josie bringing up Autumn’s family. I wrote it off as her being a bitch, but there was something about the sadness that hung-over Autumn that made me think it was true.

  “This is a deep fucking conversation for a party.” I laughed without humor.

  “Then let’s change the subject,” she said pleadingly.

  “You’re going to hear it from someone, and it’s better if it comes from me.”

  “You don’t have to, Liam.”

  I slid down the wall, stopping at the floor. Autumn was directly in front of me, watching me intently.

  “I want to. I want you to trust me,” I said, and her head dropped.

  “That isn’t second nature to me.” She tried to laugh but it wasn’t sincere. She looked at me and her eyes were so fucking sad.

  “Our coach always had this rule that we couldn’t drink during the season. I guess you could say I have a problem following the rules.”

  “Liam…” Autumn sat down on the floor beside me, taking my hand in hers.

  “It was my idea to go out. I thought we could get away with it if we weren’t at the house. Chris and Andrew were the only two who would go. They were always down to do anything.”

  I paused for too long. She squeezed my hand and asked, “Were you driving?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I threw up when we left the bar, so Andrew made me get into the back because his truck was new.”

  I’d never talked about this out loud to anyone after I gave a statement. I tried to remember the good things about
them.

  “He crashed into a cement wall under an overpass. I was passed out before he drove off that night. They said that’s probably the reason I made it.” The sheer panic of waking up stuck in the floorboard with searing pain and no one answering you was something I’d never forget. The flashing lights. Realizing I was the only one making it out as I was pulled from the truck and saw the front covered with a sheet. “I was trapped in there with them for a long time. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get to them.”

  “You need to feel in control,” she said.

  “What?”

  “That’s why you don’t drink anymore. You need to always have control.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I muttered.

  “We don’t have control over anything, Liam. What’s meant to happen will happen.”

  I nodded. We sat in silence, staring straight ahead. I traced her hand with my thumb, and she squeezed mine in return.

  “I broke my arm. It took a few months, but I can use it now. Seems a little fucked up that our fates were so different.”

  “Is that why you quit playing?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “That was the final straw.”

  “This is going to sound cliché, but your friends wouldn’t have wanted you to quit.”

  I let out a sharp breath. It sounded like a cruel laugh. “Yeah well, they can’t exactly tell me that, can they?”

  “Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing…leaving, I mean. I don’t know that I deserve to start over,” she said. I turned to look at her. Her face was probably unreadable to most, but I knew that sadness.

  “You deserve all the good,” I said, hoping she would believe me.

  “I don’t get to decide what I deserve. No one does. The world has a fucked-up way of deciding for us. It sucks, really.”

  “You can trust me with anything,” I reminded her.

  She shook her head. “I’m still processing it. I guess that’s the good thing about running away. No one can tell you anything before I can,” she said.

  “You don’t have to do anything before you’re ready.”

  She pressed her lips to mine. She was bolder with alcohol pulsing through her veins. I noted that her lips tasted of alcohol and salt as she deepened the kiss. She pulled back, stood up, and led me to the bed.

  I fell back, letting her lie on top of me and take control. Her lips found mine again as she ground her hips into mine. Without thinking I grabbed her hips, guiding them. She started a light trail from my lips to my neck to the top of my shirt, tugging on the hem.

  I’d thought about this a million times with this girl. I was about to hate myself. I grabbed her hands and sat up. She looked at me, confused.

  “I want to…but not like this, Autumn.” Sighing, she rolled off my lap and onto my bed. “It’s just that you’ve been drinking, and I unloaded some heavy stuff on you. When it happens, I want you to be sure.”

  She sighed, and a shy smile played on her lips before she looked at me. “I guess you’re right. I’ll just have to get over the rejection first.”

  I pressed my lips against hers for a moment before pulling back. I glanced over her perfect body once before groaning. “Believe me, I’ll take you up on the offer soon.”

  She clenched her teeth together, making a clicking sound with her tongue. “I’m sorry, but that was a one-time offer.”

  I laughed once, hoping she was joking. I could feel my resolve getting weaker by the second. When the hell did, I become the mature one?

  “Stay with me tonight,” I said.

  She bit her lip before nodding her head in agreement. “Can I borrow a shirt?”

  “Top drawer,” I said. She bounced out of bed and ripped the top drawer open and grabbed the first shirt she could find. When she pulled her shirt off, I looked away. You have got to be kidding me. I adjusted my pants and stared at the ceiling.

  “What are you looking at?” she asked. I found her at the other side of the bed, her hair up and wearing only my shirt.

  “Uh, nothing,” I managed to say. Grinning, she pulled back the covers and slid into bed. I got under the covers with her, aware that I would have to lie next to her for the rest of the night and keep my hands to myself. It grew painfully quiet, and I began to hear music and chatter from downstairs.

  “There’s a party going on,” she laughed. “I forgot about everything else.”

  I chuckled. It was easy to forget about everything else when she was around, and I was starting to wonder if she felt the same. She smiled and nestled her head on my chest before closing her eyes. I think that was the moment I knew how I felt about her. Really felt.

  “You’re different, Autumn.”

  “In a good way?”

  “In the best way.”

  Twenty-Three

  I blew into the cup, watching the foam split and the hot liquid swirl. Gabby sat on the opposite end of her couch, staring straight ahead. I was no mind reader, but I thought she was regretting last night.

  “Thanks for the drink,” I said. She cringed a little before smiling.

  “No problem. Just keep your voice down.” I bit my lip, holding in laughter. “So, your sleepover.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Nothing happened. I don’t know why I brought it up.”

  “Because you like him.” She pepped up, moving her shoulders to music that wasn’t playing.

  “Don’t make me regret this.”

  She laughed once, scooting closer to me. “I’m just playing. Tell me everything.”

  I took a sip. Setting the mug on the coffee table, I dropped my head in my hands. “I could die of embarrassment right now. I keep remembering things.”

  “I threw up on Tyler last night. I win. By the way, I’m never drinking again.”

  I finally looked up at her. My face was more vibrant than my hair. I was mortified to say anything out loud, but I knew I could trust her.

  “I tried to…go all the way with him, and he turned me down.”

  I watched as her eyes grew wide and her mouth made a distinct ‘O’. She clicked her tongue, sitting back. “What did he say?”

  “I was drinking and we, uh, kind of had a heavy talk. He said he wanted it to be the right time. I mean, I get it, but my ego is still hurt.”

  Her face broke into a brilliant smile. “He likes you, really likes you. I knew it!”

  “You did not! You were just freaking out!”

  “I was not. I was just wondering how to tell you I think he likes you more than a one-night stand,” she said, shrugging.

  I groaned. “I left before he woke up. I texted him, but still…”

  She scooped her phone from the couch and her thumbs went to work. “What are you doing?” I asked nervously.

  “I’m telling Tyler to come over with Liam. Let’s hang out with them today,” she said, as if it was the simplest thing on earth.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I’m feeling awkward about it today.”

  She laughed once. “There was this guy I liked all through high school. We were good friends and I feared ruining that, so I never told him how I felt. When he started dating another girl in our friends’ group, I decided I wouldn’t ever let that happen again.”

  Biting my bottom lip, I looked at her. The truth was, I knew he liked me. Right now. What about next week? Next month? Next year? We were great friends, but what if we were terrible at being together? Neither of us had experience in this field, and we were both clearly messed up from our past.

  “I’ll talk to him,” I promised.

  “Perfect; they’ll be here in ten, and it would be super awkward if you didn’t speak.” She winked at me and grinned.

  “Can I use your bathroom?” I asked. She nodded in agreement, already engrossed in text again.

  I excused myself and found the small bathroom in the hallway of Gabby’s apartment. I splashed cold water on my face, hoping it would wash away the anxiety. No such luck. I stared in the mirror, paying close attention to my eyes.
That was where I looked like my mother the most. I was unsure of where my auburn hair came from, and my small nose, slightly tilted up, and plush lips didn’t come from my family. But my dark almond eyes came from my mother, and that was where I’d always carry her.

  I came here to start over and get an education, but somewhere along the way I gained the friends I never thought I’d have, and that kind of scared the hell out of me. I’d always thought I would drift around alone for a while before settling into a career. The messy web I’d created wasn’t allowing me to do that.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a small bag with mascara sticking out. I grabbed it and dug through it, taking out mascara and powder. I’d never excelled at makeup, but I liked the look of it. After a couple of strokes with the powder, I swiped my eyelashes with mascara. I stepped back, inspecting my work. Not too bad. I looked better than before.

  I grabbed my phone from my back pocket, checking the messages. One from work, reminding me I was covering a shift tomorrow, and one from Liam asking me why I left. Without answering, I shoved my phone into my back pocket, letting out a long, shaky breath.

  A knock sounded on the door.

  I glanced back at the mirror; thankful I’d made myself presentable before opening the door. Liam was leaning against the doorframe, hands folded neatly across his chest. He was dressed in simple athletic clothes. His gray eyes stared at me curiously. He made this messy web feel…easier.

  “There you are,” he said sarcastically, grinning.

  “Here I am.”

  I looked down at my feet, completely embarrassed for leaving, and even more so after what happened last night.

  “Can we go in Gabby’s room and talk?” he asked, nodding to the door beside him.

  “Sure,” I replied. He kicked off the doorframe and led me into the room. I couldn’t hear anything over the steady thump in my ears. This was it. I needed to grow up and tell him how I felt.

  “I’m sorry for last night, and leaving, and everything else,” I blurted out as soon as we got into the bedroom. He closed the door and we sat beside each other on Gabby’s purple bedspread. Her room was clean and without clutter—only having a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser in the small space.