How Much I Feel

by Force, Marie

  I eye him skeptically. “So now you’re a mind reader and a brain surgeon?”

  He laughs, which makes him even sexier, if that’s possible. “Yes, they teach us how to read minds in neurosurgery school. It’s part of the first-year curriculum. And what you were going to say is that we’re working together, and this isn’t the time for it to become anything more than that.”

  “They taught you well in neurosurgery school.”

  “Thank you. I am good at what I do. When I’m allowed to do it, that is.”

  The sadness I see and hear from him has my heart going out to him. “Are you getting crazy being cut off from work?”

  “A little. It’s been years since I went this long without drilling into someone’s skull.”

  I sputter with laughter. “You’re sick.”

  “I know it must seem that way to someone who doesn’t do what I do, but to me, skull-drilling is just another day at the office.”

  “It’s a really amazing thing to be good at.”

  “I always thought so, too, until it was taken from me.” He sips from a beer bottle. “I got an email from Ginger.”

  Hearing that, I sit up straighter. “You did? What’d she say?”

  “How sorry she is for everything that happened, that she never intended for my career to be impacted. That she’d like another chance with me. Yada, yada.”

  “That’s such bullshit! What did she think would happen when she set you up to be caught naked with her by her husband, who was also your biggest boss?”

  “Easy, tiger.” He flashes that sexy grin that makes me feel powerful and powerless at the same time, and yes, I know that’s as crazy as it sounds. But there you have it.

  “I’m sorry, but I hope you aren’t feeling forgiving toward her.”

  “Not at all. I deleted the email and blocked her so I never have to hear from her again.”

  “Good.”

  “It felt good.”

  “She never intended to mess up your career. Whatever. She knew exactly what she was doing, and she didn’t give your promising career the first thought when she launched her insane scheme to get rid of her husband.”

  “You’re very sexy when you’re pissed. Remind me to rile you up more often.”

  “Jason! Stop. I’m dead serious.”

  “I know you are, and it means so much to me to have your support and your friendship and your professional expertise. You have no idea how much.”

  “My professional expertise, such as it is.”

  “You’re doing great, Carmen. Your ideas feel right to me, and even if it doesn’t work to sway the board, it’ll all have been worth it to have met you and to have spent this time with you.”

  I’m so bowled over by him that I respond with humor rather than the emotion that’s coursing through my veins like an out-of-control freight train that can’t be pushed back into the station no matter how hard I try. Not that I’m trying all that hard. “Especially that time we went to jail.”

  He smiles. “Especially that. We’ll always have jail. In other good news, some of the residents who’ve been working with me on the research have reached out to the board in New York to let them know they’re crazy to let me go, especially when we’re so close to a real breakthrough.”

  “That’s amazing. Someday in the not-too-distant future, all of this will be a bad dream that you finally woke up from.”

  “Not all of it has been bad,” he says in a meaningful tone that leaves no doubt he’s referring to me.

  I run my fingers through my hair, trying to bring order to it. “We have something in common, you and me.”

  “What’s that?”

  “We both thought we had it all figured out until it went to shit.”

  “True. Although your thing was a thousand times worse than mine.”

  “Heartbreak is heartbreak, no matter how it happens.”

  “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. Losing your young husband the way you did is far worse than what’s happening to me.”

  “I still hate that she did that to you when you’ve worked so hard for the career that’s now hanging in the balance.”

  “I have to believe it’s going to work out. Even if I can’t practice at Miami-Dade, I’m still a well-qualified physician. It’s not like I’m going to suddenly be unable to make a living anywhere.”

  “I’m glad you’re feeling more positive about it.”

  “I’m trying. You’ve been a huge help to me, Carmen. Seriously.”

  “It’s been fun. My first week on the new job has been far more interesting than expected.”

  “Especially the time in jail.”

  “The beach was pretty nice, too.”

  “Way better than jail.”

  “Stop talking about jail!”

  “Never,” he says, laughing.

  I’m tired, but I don’t want this conversation to end. I could talk to him all night and never get enough of the sound of his voice or the amusing things he says.

  “Hey, Carmen?”

  “Yes?”

  “I want to take you on a real date. Can we do that soon?”

  I ought to say no. I ought to try harder to keep the boundaries in place between personal and professional, but in light of what’s already happened between us, it’s too late for such concerns. “Sure, that’d be fun.”

  “You had to think about it for a long moment there.”

  “It’s not because I don’t want to go out with you. I’m just concerned about the personal versus professional thing.”

  “I get that. I should be far more concerned about it after Ginger, but this is nothing like that was even before it went bad.”

  “How is it different?”

  “Because you’re you, and that makes everything about this special and unique.”

  “You know how to make a girl all fluttery inside.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Are you tired?” he asks.

  “A little. You?”

  “I could sleep, but talking to you is more fun.”

  My phone chimes with a new text from Abuela that I quickly read. Loved meeting your friend Jason today. He seems like a special young man. You don’t like when I interfere, so I’ll only say that you light up around him. Sweet dreams, mi amor. Xoxo

  “What’re you smiling about?”

  “A text from Abuela. She liked meeting you.”

  “I liked meeting her and the others. You have a great family.”

  “Wait until you meet the rest of them. You may not think so.”

  “I’m sure I will.”

  “Do you come from a big family?”

  “I have a few cousins, but they’re mostly older than me. I don’t know them very well. It’s pretty much been me, my brother and my mom since my dad left.”

  “You don’t see him at all?”

  “Maybe once or twice a year when he gets to New York. I’d prefer not to see him, but my mom encourages me to do it. She doesn’t want me to have regrets.”

  “She sounds like an amazing person if she can think that way after he was unfaithful to her.”

  “She’s all about forgiveness, even if we don’t necessarily forget. But it took her a long time to get there after everything happened.”

  “I understand that. I decided to forgive the man who killed Tony because it hurt me more to hate him than it did to forgive him. I won’t forget what he did, but I forgive him.”

  “That’s really admirable. I’m not sure I could do that. I’ve barely been able to consider forgiving my father for what he did.”

  “I found out the man’s family was evicted from their apartment. He was robbing the store because they were out of formula for his infant daughter, and he was desperate. He’d had issues with police in the past. When he saw Tony in uniform, he panicked. I honestly don’t believe he intended to shoot or kill him.”

  “Wow.”

  “Two lives were ruined in the span of a sec
ond. When I heard the whole story, I asked the prosecutor to request life in prison for the shooter rather than the death penalty. I didn’t think Tony would approve of me seeking a life for a life in this case.”

  “I give you so much credit for being able to think that clearly, at twenty-four, after losing your husband and best friend so senselessly.”

  “It helped to focus on the details of the case rather than wallowing in grief, not that I didn’t do plenty of that, too.”

  “I’m so, so sorry you went through that.”

  His kind words leave a lump in my throat. “Thank you. I miss him, but I accepted a long time ago that I’ll always miss him and love him. That’ll never change.”

  “Of course it won’t. Can I ask you . . .”

  “What?”

  “It’s none of my business.”

  “It’s okay. You can ask. Aren’t we past the point where my business isn’t your business and vice versa?”

  His low chuckle makes me feel warm all over, my skin prickling with nearly painful awareness of how much I want this man.

  “Carmen, sweetheart . . .” He sounds agonized, and I can’t imagine why. “I like you so much. You have to know that.”

  “Why do I hear a ‘but’ coming?”

  “No buts. I like you. I like you so fucking much it’s not even funny. I like everything about you.”

  “That’s a lot of like.” He’s adorable and sweet and sexy as all hell. “I like you, too.”

  “It’s just . . . My life is such a ridiculous mess right now, and you . . . You haven’t been with anyone since Tony died, and . . .”

  “What’s wrong, Jason? Just say it.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  I lick my lips and note the way his gaze homes in on the movement of my tongue. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he wants me fiercely, and knowing that empowers me. “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

  “I know that. You’re the strongest, most courageous person I’ve met in a long time. The last thing in the world I want to do is come sweeping through your life like a brush fire and leave ashes in my wake. I have no idea where I’m going to be two weeks or a month from now. It would kill me if, you know . . .”

  My tremendous affection for him grows and multiplies as he shows his concern for me. That puts him light-years ahead of the other men I’ve dated since I lost my husband. “I have every reason in the world to stay far away from you. I worked my ass off to land this job, and I’m determined to have this career for as long as I can before I’ll have to take over the restaurant.”

  “I don’t want to do anything to fuck that up for you, sweetheart.”

  “I appreciate that you care. That matters to me. But if I’ve learned anything from what I’ve been through, it’s that life is short and right now is all we’re promised. I like you. I like how I feel when I’m with you—and even when I’m not. For the first time since I lost Tony, I want to know where it might go from here. If you end up somewhere else, I’ll deal with that when it happens.”

  “And your job?”

  “I’m not going to tell anyone that this has become something more than a job. Are you?”

  “Hell no.”

  “Then it ought to be fine.”

  “‘Ought to be’ doesn’t always go the way it ought to.”

  “Trust me, I know.” I try to organize my thoughts into some semblance of sense. “You said today was a great day for you.”

  “It was the best day. Maybe the best day I’ve ever had.”

  “It was the best day I’ve had in five years, Jason. I’m well aware of all the reasons why I need to be careful, but I’m so tired of being careful, of sticking to the sidelines while life goes on without me. I want to live again, not just exist.”

  “Honey, you’re killing me. I want to be there with you so badly it’s taking everything I’ve got to stay put.”

  “I wish you were here, too, but I think we should both take a pause, think about all of this and make a logical decision about where we go from here.”

  “I already know where I want to go from here.”

  I lose my composure and giggle again. I love that he makes me laugh the way I used to, before life backhanded me across the face. “I’m serious, Jason.”

  “So am I. I’m as serious about this as I’ve been about anything.”

  “You’re just coming off a major disappointment—”

  “I’ve left her so far behind it’s like she never happened. Finding out she set me up the way she did ruined any feelings I had for her. I swear to God this isn’t a rebound, Carmen. Not even kinda.”

  “My head is spinning a little.”

  “Mine is, too, but it’s the best feeling. Isn’t it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day. We’ll figure this out.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing you in doctor mode at the clinic.”

  “I’m looking forward to it, too. See you in the morning?”

  “Yes, you will. Go to sleep.”

  “You too.”

  “Don’t want to let you go.”

  I turn off the light and settle in under the covers, the glow from my phone bright in the darkness of my bedroom.

  He does the same on his end, plunging us both into darkness. “I wish I was in bed with you, holding you and kissing you and other stuff.”

  “What other stuff?” I ask, breathless once again.

  “The good stuff.”

  “It’s been so long for me that I can barely remember the good stuff.”

  He groans loudly. “Stop.”

  “Don’t want to.”

  “Carmen.”

  When I close my eyes, all I can see is the image of him sitting up in bed, the covers pooled at his waist, sexy man chest on full display. I was better off before I knew his chest looked that good.

  I fall asleep with a smile on my face. When I wake hours later, the first thing I notice is that the connection is still live. I watch him sleep for a long time, wishing he were here next to me.

  I should probably be concerned that I’ve lost all perspective when it comes to Jason. I couldn’t care less about all the reasons why it might be a bad idea to get involved with him from personal or professional standpoints.

  I don’t care about anything other than being with him, and that’s so far out of character for me as to be laughable. I always care. I always do the right thing and stay in my lane. I never do anything that would be considered risky, especially since I lost Tony.

  Two days after meeting Jason, I feel like a new version of myself, and I like this new version a whole lot. If I’ve learned anything from what I’ve been through, it’s that life isn’t a dress rehearsal. It can be taken from us at any time, and we need to fully embrace every minute we have. I haven’t done that the way I should’ve since my world was turned upside down.

  I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on this chance to fully live.

  Dr. Jason Northrup had better look out. He has no idea that New Carmen will be greeting him in a few short hours, and New Carmen wants him.

  Badly.

  CHAPTER 14

  CARMEN

  I dress with him in mind, choosing a sexy wrap dress that reveals more of my cleavage than I normally show. It’s perfectly appropriate for what we have planned today, and if it makes me feel sexy, even better. I leave my hair curly and spend extra time on my makeup. In the shower, I shaved everything, just in case.

  I laugh to myself at how ridiculous my thoughts have gotten.

  Only a few days ago, the idea of shaving everything “just in case” would’ve led me to ask, In case of what?

  I’m acutely aware of my own heartbeat as well as the sensitive surface of my skin. My nipples are tight, and between my legs . . .

  “Ugh,” I tell my reflection in the mirror. “This is going to be a long freaking day.”

  I receive a text from Maria. Hope your guy is read
y for this. There’s a line out the door.

  He’s ready and willing. See you soon.

  I gather my things and am out the door with time to spare so I won’t be late to meet him. Traffic is, as always, a beast. It probably seems worse to me today because it’s standing between me and seeing him, and I’m dying to see him.

  “This is bad.” Maybe if I say it out loud, I can get a handle on this situation before it spins any further out of control. If I had to pinpoint the exact moment I lost control, it would be last night on Miami Beach when I made out with the man my boss assigned me to work with.

  My boss. Shit! I forgot to report to Mr. Augustino last night. I summon Siri and tell her to call the hospital. When I reach the switchboard, I ask for the president’s office.

  “Office of the president, Mona speaking.”

  “Mona, hi, it’s Carmen.”

  “Hello there! How’re you doing?”

  “Doing well.”

  “I love Dr. Northrup’s Instagram account. Have you seen how many followers he already has? The photos of him playing dominoes were so perfect. He’s—”

  “Mona!”

  “Oh, so sorry. What can I do for you, hon?”

  “Could I please speak to Mr. Augustino?”

  “Of course. Just a moment.”

  While I wait on hold and listen to the light rock music playing in the background, I dart through the traffic that stands between me and the source of my obsession. And yes, that’s what he’s become. What other word should I use to describe the man who occupies ninety-eight percent of my thoughts forty-eight hours after I first saw him?

  I’ve about given up on Mona and Mr. Augustino when he comes on the line. “Carmen, good to hear from you. I expected an email from you this morning.”

  “I know, that’s why I’m calling. I got caught up in making plans for today and forgot to send the email. I’m so sorry, but that’s why I’m calling now.” I cringe as the story rolls off my tongue with glib exaggerations. I’m headed straight to hell. “I figured I’d call you with my report, if that’s all right.”

  “Sure, what’ve you got?”

  I tell him about the Instagram account, about Jason playing dominoes with the men in Little Havana, eating at Giordino’s and touring Miami Beach. “Today, he’s seeing patients at the Our Lady of Charity free clinic in Little Havana, and according to my contact there, people are already waiting in line for the chance to see him. We’ve secured permission from the clinic to take photos with any patients who agree to be photographed, and I’ll make sure they sign releases.”