The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional
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ALSO BY THE AUTHOR
The Reason for God
The Prodigal God
Counterfeit Gods
Generous Justice
Jesus the King
The Meaning of Marriage
Center Church
Every Good Endeavor
Walking with God through Pain and Suffering
Encounters with Jesus
Prayer
Preaching
The Songs of Jesus
Making Sense of God
Hidden Christmas
God’s Wisdom for Navigating Life
The Prodigal Prophet
VIKING
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
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Copyright © 2011, 2019 by Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Based upon The Meaning of Marriage, originally published by Dutton, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, in 2011.
ISBN 9780525560777 (hardcover)
ISBN 9780525560784 (ebook)
All Bible references are from the New International Version (NIV), unless otherwise noted.
Cover design: Paul Buckley
Version_2
To our sons and to the remarkable women who married them—
David and Jen
Michael and Sara
Jonathan and Ann-Marie
CONTENTS
Also by the Author
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
Acknowledgments
Notes
About the Authors
INTRODUCTION
Several years ago Tim and I wrote a book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. We discussed a number of issues related to knowing and loving your spouse in the context of a marriage grounded in the Christian faith. Many people have told us how much the book has helped them, and nothing makes us happier. It was the fruit of hard-won experience, and God promises that what he gives to one is meant for the benefit of all.
It is not necessary to have read that book in order to use this one. But it is worth recapping some of the basic themes of The Meaning of Marriage. The main problem every marriage faces is the self-centeredness in both spouse’s hearts. Traditional cultures often dealt with this by browbeating people about their sin. Modern culture has virtually enshrined it, talking about “Me-Marriages” that last only as long as both parties feel the marriage is meeting their needs without too much exertion. The solution, however, is the gospel of Christ, for it both humbles us and exalts us at the same time.
An equally crucial theme is that the essence of your marriage is a covenant, a binding promise. A covenant is neither a cold contract nor merely an emotional pledge. It is giving your whole life to each other, not just physically but also legally, financially, emotionally, spiritually. The binding, legal commitment creates an unparalleled space for trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Many modern people think the essence of marriage is a romantic feeling, but rather it is the marriage promise that keeps you together through the ups and downs of feeling, which over time provides a depth of love that could not be attained any other way.
We see marriage as friendship-with-a-mission. While ancient and traditional marriages gave priority to the roles of parents, and modern marriage elevates the desires of romantic lovers, we argued that, along with all the other factors, spouses need to be best friends. Friendship, however, needs to be about something, and in a Christian marriage it needs to be about spiritual growth and each spouse helping the other to grow into Christlikeness. If we aim at holiness for each other, happiness will come; if we aim primarily at just happiness, we will get neither.
Then, for these various tasks and responsibilities in marriage, we pointed to a “toolbox” of ways to know and love your spouse over the years, particularly as you both go through major life changes and sometimes we feel we are married to a stranger. What do we do? There are three basic things to do: speak the truth; show love—in the particular “currencies” or “love languages” that your spouse finds most valuable; and, finally, give grace through regular repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
In Christian marriage, it is both a glory and a challenge to love someone of the other gender. Loving across the gender divide takes a great deal of patience, understanding, humility, and love. Today, of course, this is an area marked by controversy, but we tried as much as possible to follow the Scriptures here, which critique both overly rigid gender stereotypes as well as the modern denial of distinct gender roles.
In the last two chapters we turned to the subjects of singleness and sexuality. There we laid out something of the Christian ethic and understanding of sex, so revolutionary when it burst on the world scene, but so contested today.
So why this devotional? The purpose of this couple’s devotional is to provide an opportunity for sustained and practical reflection on love and marriage within a Christian perspective. A book like The Meaning of Marriage can provide principles and insights, but it can also be hard to digest and apply to everyday life. In the book you hold, we both expanded on and broke down the themes and lessons into short meditations, looking at each concept in its various aspects and proposing application questions and practices.
This devotional pulls out passages from The Meaning of Marriage and provides an opportunity to think out the personal implications of one very specific aspect of Christian marriage each day.
On the first week of each month, we provide you with a Scripture text regarding love, sex, and marriage, followed by a meditation on an aspect of the biblical teaching. After that there is a reflection, which is a set of application questions, followed finally with a brief example of a prayer about the subject. While some of these biblical texts are referred to in The Meaning of Marriage, these studies are new and not found in the earlier book. The texts that are covered are listed on page xiv.
JANUARY: Genesis 1 and 2: Marriage and creation
FEBRUARY: Genesis 2–3; Ephesians 5: Marriage and redemption
MARCH: Various: The seventh commandment
APRIL: Genesis 39 and various: Preventing adultery
MAY: Various: Divorce
JUNE: Proverbs and various: Who we are to one another
JULY: Various New Testament: How to serve one another
AUGUST: Various New Testament: How to reconcile with one another
SEPTEMBER: 1 Corinthians 6: The Christian sexual revolution: 1
OCTOBER: 1 Corinthians 7: The Christian sexual revolution: 2
&nb
sp; NOVEMBER: The Song of Solomon -:Love song: seeking one another
DECEMBER: The Song of Solomon: Love song: finding one another
On each day of the other three weeks of every month we begin with a quote from The Meaning of Marriage instead of a Bible verse, followed by a meditation and a reflection. Finally there is a “Thought for prayer” that gives some ideas for how you can pray the topic of the day into your heart and life.
This is a “couple’s devotional,” and it is designed for married couples to use. One way to do it is to read it aloud to each other. Then ask: “What helped you the most?” After that, answer the Reflection questions together. Finally pray together, using the “Thought for prayer” as a springboard for your own conversation with God. Another way to use this book, however, is to read it daily as an individual, write down your thoughts, and regularly meet with your spouse to discuss your insights and findings.
Keep in mind that the basic themes and lessons noted here will be brought up numerous times, but each time they will be approached from a different perspective, or asking different practical questions.
The Meaning of Marriage was not written only for married couples. Its origin lay in a series of sermons to a congregation consisting overwhelmingly of single adults. This particular devotional, however, is meant for couples, though unmarried couples who are engaged or who are considering marriage could use it in the way we have prescribed. Some of the meditations near the end of the year should be especially applicable to them.
One very important caveat. Every Christian needs to be reading the Bible and praying daily. This book, while it can supplement that, should not be the only time one spends daily before God. As important as this subject is, marriage is not the only thing you should be talking to God about for an entire year! We would ask readers to consider also using either our Psalms or Proverbs devotionals along with this one, or some other aid to a daily time with God.
January 1
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them. Male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)
INSTITUTED OF GOD. Today we think of marriage as a romantic relationship between two people on whom the marriage ceremony bestows some legal benefits. However, the Bible says marriage is the invention of God, and therefore it is woven into the very fabric of our human nature. The first mention of gender and marriage in the Bible occurs with the first mention of humanity itself. And while not all individuals must marry, the human race as a whole is built for it. No human society can thrive without healthy marriages.
Reflection: What links do you see between the health of people in general and the health of marriages?
Prayer: Lord, the strength of our marriages makes for well-being in society. Forgive me for thinking so narrowly and so selfishly about this. As we pursue happy marriages, help us to do it for your sake and for others’ sake as well as for ourselves. Amen.
January 2
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18a)
THE NECESSITY OF FRIENDSHIP. Genesis shows us God creating everything “good.” But the first thing declared not good is Adam’s being alone. This means we have a God-created need that nothing but human love relationships can satisfy. Even Adam’s unimpeded relationship with God and his home in paradise could not completely fulfill it. Loneliness, then, is not a sin, and this means two things. First, while it is not necessary to be married (e.g., Paul and Jesus), it is necessary for a thriving human life to have great friendships. Second, when God brings Eve to Adam it is clear she is not merely a sexual or business partner, but the friend for whom he has yearned.
Reflection: It is possible for spouses to give so much to co-parenting, romance, sexuality, and administering their affairs that they neglect their friendship. How can you avoid that?
Prayer: Lord Jesus, you are not only our true spouse (Ephesians 5:25–26) but also our greatest friend (John 15:12–15). Let our marriages be full of the truthfulness, affection, and faithful commitment of friendship. Amen.
January 3
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
LEAVING. Marriage entails leaving. It does not mean you reject or abandon your family of origin. Rather, it means that the needs and concerns of your present family take precedence over the desires and practices of your former family. You should work out new patterns of life together that fit your particular context, gifts, and needs. You have not “left” your former family if you automatically insist that everything in your marriage be done like you saw it done in your parents’ marriage and family. In short, your spouse should have uncontested priority in your heart. The regard you have for your parents or even for your children should not rival that which you have for your spouse.
Reflection: Make a list of the ways that you can fail to “leave” and to transfer your supreme loyalty from all others to your spouse.
Prayer: Lord, take away our divided hearts. Let us love you more than all other beings in the universe. And when we marry, enable us to love each other more than any other person in the world. Amen.
January 4
Then the Lord God made a woman . . . and . . . brought her to the man. . . . That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:22, 24)
PROMISING. Genesis 2:22–25 is the first marriage ceremony, in which “God himself, like a father of the bride, leads the woman to the man.”1 The word “united” translates a Hebrew word meaning a binding covenantal relationship (Deuteronomy 10:20, 11:22–23). In our individualistic society, the legality of marriage seems inconsequential. It’s said to be “just a piece of paper” and that what matters is that we love each other. Yet if you truly love each other, why not give yourselves to each other in every way—physically, emotionally, personally, legally, socially, and economically? That’s what happens in a marriage covenant, and it is done through making a promise.
Reflection: Why are people hesitant to marry? What are the ways that our culture undermines this view of marriage as a covenant?
Prayer: Lord, we live in a commitment-fearing culture. We have been taught to always keep our relational options open, yet we don’t want people to love us like that! Teach us how to be faithful friends and faithful spouses, in fair weather and foul, for better and for worse. You have been that to us. Amen.
January 5
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
CLEAVING. Older translations say that a man should “cleave unto his wife”—a term that means literally to be glued to something. Why is a binding covenant, created by solemn vows, so crucial to the biblical understanding of marriage? First, it is a crucial test. The willingness to enter a lifelong covenant is evidence that your love for each other has reached marriage-level proportions. Second, it is resource for strength. There will be hard times in any marriage, in which your patience and love will need the support of knowing you made a solemn promise. Last, it is instructive. The covenant teaches us that marriage is not ultimately about self-fulfillment but about self-giving.2
Reflection: “A wedding vow is confining in the short run but liberating in the long run.” Do you agree? Why or why not?
Prayer: Lord, when our commitment to covenantal marriage weakens, help us remember your unwavering faithfulness to us, going even to the death of the cross. Amen.
January 6
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
UNITING. A husband and wife become one flesh. “Flesh” in the Bible is often a synecdoche for the entire person (as in “I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh,” Acts 2:17). Just as male and female literally fit together as a whole in sex, so a h
usband and wife enter a deep personal union at all levels of their lives. They become physically, emotionally, socially, legally one. Sexual union, then, is a way to renew and deepen the covenant of marriage. It is an acting out, physically, of the inseparable oneness in all other areas created by the marriage covenant.
Reflection: How can sex be an ideal way to renew the marriage vow? How can married sex be practiced in such a way that fails to reflect the marriage vow? What can you do to avoid this?
Prayer: Lord, we have been taught that sex exists for self-fulfillment, not for self-giving. Help us to think about it differently. Show us how human sexuality should reflect your own love for us. Amen.
January 7
Male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” (Genesis 1:27–28)
PROCREATIVITY. Just as not all people must be married, so not all marriages will produce children. Nevertheless, God has designed marriage to be capable of creating and nurturing new life. Only male and female together, each doing something the other cannot, can produce new human beings. Then, as children grow in the presence of both mother and father, they are exposed to the unique glories and strengths of male and female humanity. Finally, the lifelong commitment of marriage gives children the necessary security and stability that they need to thrive. So God gives to marriage the procreativity that is a reflection of his own life-giving creativity.
Reflection: Think out the ways that every aspect of biblical marriage supports the reproduction and nurture of new human beings.
Prayer: Lord, you could have simply made new humans materialize by your power. Instead you made us your partners in bearing new human life into the world and nurturing them through committed love. Thank you for this great gift. Give more of us the wisdom and character we will need to use it well. Amen.