The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Reflection: Reflect on how thoughtfully you engage sexually in your marriage in this way.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you, when you have sex, to fill your mind and heart with all your spouse has done for you and means to you as you give yourself to him or her anew.

  June 11

  [T]wo-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. . . . What can keep marriages together during the rough patches? The vows. . . . [That] keeps you in the relationship when your feelings flag, and flag they will. By contrast, consumer relationships cannot possibly endure these inevitable tests of life. (Hardcover, p. 87; paperback, pp. 91–92)

  KEEPING LOVE KINDLED: 2. There are three other things that you can promise to do that lead directly to the maintenance and growth of loving feelings in marriage. First, we can promise forgiveness, which is granted before it is felt. Without continual forgiveness resentment grows, and it is one of the main things that eats away at affection. Second, we can also promise to promptly and ungrudgingly admit when we do wrong. Without constant humble repentance a kind of self-pity and superiority grows that eats away at affection. Finally, we can promise to take time to praise one another. Christians in general are told to praise the accomplishments of one another and to affirm gifts and abilities (Romans 12:3–6, 10). How much more should spouses do this regularly! As you will discover, what you praise more, you enjoy more.

  Reflection: Reflect on how well you practice these three behaviors that lead to sustained affection and feelings of love.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to especially help you to admit to your spouse when you’ve done wrong “promptly and ungrudgingly.” Ask the Lord to help you avoid defensiveness and blame shifting, and repent without excuses.

  June 12

  [In Matthew 19] Jesus denies that you can divorce for any reason. . . . [H]e confirms that marriage is a covenant . . . [that] creates a strong new unity that must only be broken under very serious conditions. But he goes on to say that these serious conditions do exist, because of “the hardness of your hearts.” That means that sometimes human hearts become so hard because of sin that it leads . . . to a severe violation of the covenant, without prospects of repentance and healing, and in such cases divorce is permitted. (Hardcover, p. 88; paperback, p. 93)

  DIVORCE: THE REALISM. 1 John 5:3 says that God’s commandments are “not burdensome.” Knowing we are sinners saved by sheer grace changes our motivation toward obedience from the merely dutiful “I have to” to the grateful joy of “I want to.” Further, God knows we will sometimes break our covenant with him and with each other, and he provides means for reconciliation that may or may not be successful (see Matthew 5: 23–24; 18:15–17). In the same way, God knows that some will break their marriage covenants with one another and in his wisdom and mercy he provided for divorce. A marriage can be so violated that even when forgiveness is given, the trust basis of the covenant is damaged beyond repair in this world. How realistic and understanding is this holy God.

  Reflection: Think of other ways in which God’s commands—though no one can keep them perfectly—are not burdensome.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you know your own heart and to deal with problems and conflicts rather than letting them fester, so that you can avoid the pain of divorce.

  June 13

  The only such violation that Jesus names in [Matthew 19] is adultery. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul adds another ground [for divorce]—namely, willful desertion. These actions essentially break the covenant vow so thoroughly, that, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:15, the wronged spouse “is not bound.” . . . Divorce should not be easy; it should not be our first, second, third, or fourth resort. (Hardcover, p. 89; paperback, p. 93)

  DIVORCE: THE BALANCE. Our God is both perfectly holy and yet infinitely merciful. This must be borne in mind when we approach the subject of divorce. If we forget God’s awesome holiness we will remember how solemn it is to take a marriage vow before him as primary witness. God says that he hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and we should as well. It must never be entered into lightly and it must be a very last resort. But if we forget God’s infinite mercy, and Jesus’s direct teaching that he provided for divorce because human sinfulness would sometimes warrant it, then we also fail to do justice to God’s character and the biblical teaching on marriage.

  Reflection: Do you personally have an equally good grasp on these two aspects of God’s character? Or do you have more of a grasp on one rather than the other?

  Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord to help you avoid the legalism of a “God is mainly holy” mindset or the relativism of a “God is only love” mindset, and to avoid the particular sins to which each habit of mind can lead.

  June 14

  Jesus knows the depths of human sin and holds out hope for those who find themselves married to someone with an intractably hard heart who has broken his or her vow in these ways. Divorce is terribly difficult, and it should be, but the wronged party should not live in shame. Surprisingly, even God claims to have gone through a divorce (Jeremiah 3:8). He knows what it is like. (Hardcover, p. 89; paperback, p. 93)

  SUPPORT FOR THE DIVORCED. In a culture that has lost its grip on the holiness of God (such as ours), divorce is too common and no big deal, despite the awful statistics about its effects. But in churches that have lost their grip on the mercy of God, divorced persons often must live with stigma and shame. No one enters the world as a divorced person with ease. They need comprehensive support, and many churches fail in this. It is remarkable that God is willing to call himself a divorced person (Jeremiah 3:8), having lost his relationship with his people Israel. If you have been divorced, you can go in prayer to a God who has been through it himself. There’s no other religion that offers that.

  Reflection: Think of the churches that you have been part of—how do they handle the subject of divorce? How do they treat divorced people?

  Thought for prayer: Thank him for being a God we can turn to in our troubles, a God who knows what it is like to be rejected, even to the death on a cross.

  June 15

  W. H. Auden . . . wrote: “Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.” (Hardcover, pp. 89–90; paperback, p. 94)

  MORE INTERESTING. The quote above, from the prominent twentieth-century poet and author W. H. Auden, is meant to be startling. But we believe that the statement holds up to scrutiny. Some argue that living together as long as there is sexual attraction is a more voluntary kind of love than legal marriage. But Auden depicts romantic relationships outside of marriage as less voluntary. They almost “happen to us” as we sense the sexual chemistry and are drawn in. They are also, therefore, not lasting. Marriage, however, is an act of the will—a vow and commitment—that is sustained over time. They involve every part of your life—not just the weekends or getaways. They are then infinitely more “interesting” because marriage will tell you far more about yourself, human nature, and life itself.

  Reflection: Do you agree with the statement? Think of other ways that marriages, even difficult ones, are “infinitely more interesting.”

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Jesus’s endurance to the end in order to love and save us (Hebrews 12:1–3). Ask God for spiritual endurance over the long run, not just to be faithful to your spouse but faithful to him as well.

  June 16

  [I]t is our promises that give us a stable identity, and without a stable identity, it is impossible to have stable relationships. Hannah Arendt wrote: “Without being bound to the fulfillment of our promises, we would never be able to keep our identities; we would be condemned to wander helplessly and without direction in the darkness of each person’s lonely heart, caught in its contradictions and equivoca
lities.” (Hardcover, p. 91; paperback, p. 96)

  IDENTITIES ARE FORGED. The word “identity” literally means “sameness.” If there is nothing about you that is the same—if you are completely different in every situation and relationship—you have no identity. An identity is a core you that is continuously there. Our culture tells us to look into our heart and discover who we are, but every person’s heart is filled with contradictory desires and impulses. How can I know who the real me is? Identity is not discovered, it is forged, and it is forged through discovering truth outside of ourselves and bringing ourselves into alignment with it. That is, through faith and promise. Marriage is one key way to do this. To make a promise is to say, “In spite of changing feelings and circumstances, this is who I am, this is what I will always do and be.”

  Reflection: Think of some examples besides the marriage vow where promises help to forge identity.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on John 1:12–13. Then ask God to show you the truth, to help you be true to the truth, and thereby become his child, the one identity that is safe and forever true.

  June 17

  [Lewis Smedes wrote:] “My wife has lived with at least five different men since we were wed—and each of the five has been me. The connecting link with my old self has always been the memory of the name I took on back there: ‘I am he who will be there with you.’ When we slough off that name, lose that identity, we can hardly find ourselves again.” (Hardcover, p. 92; paperback, p. 97)

  IDENTITIES IN FLUX. This quote by Lewis Smedes observes that identities are inevitably in flux over time. An older man who cannot admit his age, who wants to appear and be treated as much younger, is refusing to accept this process. When you change careers, or you move to a different country, or retire, or have grandchildren, you become a slightly different person than you were. When you suffer—if you go through the death of loved ones, or a debilitating illness—that makes you a different person, too. But the change must not be total. There needs to be a core identity that doesn’t change and that stabilizes and anchors you through life changes. The wedding vow is one of them. It becomes the thread keeping your different “selves” united in love to one another.

  Reflection: If you have been married for a number of years, what personal changes in you has your marriage had to weather? If you are newly married, think of the changes that are coming.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 116:17–18. Ask God to help you fulfill the vows made at your baptism and at your wedding. Ask him to make you the same kind of promise-keeper that he is.

  June 18

  [Many argue] that striving for permanence through traditional marriage stifles freedom. . . . But Smedes argues eloquently that promising is the means to freedom. In promising, you limit options now, in order to . . . be free to be there in the future for people who trust you. When you make a promise to someone, both of you know that you are going to be there with and for them. “You have created a small sanctuary of trust within the jungle of unpredictability.” (Hardcover, p. 93; paperback, p. 98)

  MONOTONY. We want the freedom we feel when we are in a great love relationship. But learning to give love in the particular ways that your spouse wants and needs, to give love that grows rather than diminishes through conflict, is learned through the discipline of sticking with each other at times when the marriage is, frankly, somewhat monotonous. A famous trumpet instructor said: “There are no shortcuts to learning how to play the trumpet. It takes practice and patience. I know that it is monotonous. But finally comes a time when you [are free to] express your emotions through music. And this brings such a pleasure that all the dull hours are forgotten. All you have to do is practice scales . . . scales . . . and more scales.”76 A good marriage grows in the same way.

  Reflection: To extend the metaphor—what are the somewhat boring “scales” to be practiced in marriage that can lead to a relationship of the greatest delight?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 15:5. Then ask God to give you his endurance and encouragement so you can patiently but gladly love your spouse and others even when there is little reward for doing it.

  June 19

  [Smedes writes:] “When I make a promise, I bear witness that my future with you is not locked into . . . the hand I was dealt out of my . . . genetic deck . . . [or] the psychic conditioning visited on me by my . . . parents. . . . No home computer ever promised to be a loyal help. . . . Only a person can make a promise. And when he does, he is most free. (Hardcover, p. 94; paperback, pp. 98–99)

  THE FREEDOM OF PROMISING. Lewis Smedes’s point is that computers are incapable of rising above their “programming.” They cannot change beliefs or make choices that go against their programming. Even if Artificial Intelligence computers become capable of developing consciousness, they will not get a “heart”—a set of deep, chosen commitments and beliefs about reality that animate feelings and behavior. When I promise something like a wedding vow, I am not really giving away my freedom. I’m proving I actually have it. If I can’t make promises, I’m a bit more like nonhuman things.

  Reflection: Think of other promises that you can make that move you from being creatures of instinct and impulse or make you pawns of your own past.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Psalm 119:45, on how the more you obey God’s commands the more free you are. Now ask God to help you know the kind of freedom that comes from keeping vows and obeying the Lord.

  June 20

  When you first fall in love, you think you love the person but you don’t really. You can’t know who the person is right away. That takes years. You actually love your idea of the person—and that is always one-dimensional and somewhat mistaken. . . . [R]omantic flings are so intoxicating largely because the person is actually in love with a fantasy rather than a real human being. (Hardcover, pp. 94–95; paperback, pp. 99–100)

  THE HIDDEN SPOUSE. Every person is created in the image of God, “made a little lower than the angels” and “crowned with glory and honor” (Psalm 8:5). Yet Jesus can say casually, “you are evil . . .” (Luke 11:13). He is addressing his apostles! Jesus is saying that every human being is evil and capable of terrible things. In short, human beings are infinitely complex, contradictory beings. The more sinful aspects are usually not the first things we see in a person. So when you begin your marriage you have only a superficial grasp on both how good and how flawed your partner is. No wonder we need a marriage vow to help us learn to love the real person we married.

  Reflection: Set aside some time to be alone and to talk to each other, in great charity and grace, about the strengths and weaknesses you have discovered in each other.

  Thought for prayer: Ask the Lord that your knowledge of your own evil heart and of your spouse’s would increase at the same pace, so that together you can offer each other accountability yet humble grace.

  June 21

  [N]ot only do you not know the other person, but the other person does not really know you. You have put on your best face (often quite literally). There are things about yourself that you are ashamed of or afraid of, but you don’t let the other person see your flaws. And, of course, you cannot show your partner those parts of your character that you cannot see yourself and which will only be revealed to you in the course of the marriage. (Hardcover, p. 95; paperback, p. 100)

  THE HIDDEN SELF. We looked yesterday at how infinitely complex and contradictory human nature is, so it takes years to come to know the person we marry. But while you know yourself far better than your spouse, you are largely blind to who you are as well. The mark of a fool is that he looks wiser to himself than he really is (Proverbs 12:15) and all of us are born sinful and therefore foolish (Proverbs 22:15). In every marital conflict, then, the great temptation will be to be blind to our own flaws and our contribution to the problem. No wonder we need a marriage vow, not only to help us learn to love the real person we married, but also to
help our spouse love us.

  Reflection: Again, set aside some time to be alone and to talk to each other, in great charity and grace, about the strengths and weaknesses you have discovered in each other.

  Thought for prayer: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139: 23–24).

  June 22

  There is an emotional “high” that comes to us when someone thinks we are so wonderful and beautiful, and that is part of what fuels the early passion and electricity of falling in love. But the problem is . . . the person doesn’t really know you and therefore doesn’t really love you [nor you him or her], not yet at least. [The “high” is] in large part a gust of ego gratification, but it’s nothing like the profound satisfaction of being known and loved. (Hardcover, p. 95; paperback, p. 100)