The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  Reflection: Think of changes in your spouse that you have sought but which are not things that the Spirit of God necessarily creates in people. Then think of changes you have sought that are. What is the advantage of having two lists rather than one?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you accept the features of your spouse that may displease you personally but are not matters of spiritual character or maturity. Then ask God to help you not acquiesce in any sinful pattern that will grieve God and hurt your spouse.

  July 29

  This is by no means a naïve, romanticized approach—rather it is brutally realistic. In this view of marriage, each person says to the other, “I see all your flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, dependencies. But underneath them all I see growing the person God wants you to be.” This is radically different from the search for “compatibility.” (Hardcover, p. 122; paperback, pp. 133–34)

  GROWTH AND GOD’S POWER. Why is the approach described above “brutally realistic”? First, it assumes that whomever you marry will be a long way from the person they need to be. Imperfections are expected. This avoids the shattering disillusionment that comes with blind romanticism. Second, however, it is not the enabling behavior of an alcoholic family, in which the addict is kept in his or her state so the other spouse can continually rescue them and feel noble and needed. Finally, there is the deep relief of the knowledge that changing your spouse is not, ultimately, your job at all. It is far beyond your power. You are a mere assistant to God in this great work.

  Reflection: Think of other ways in which the Christian approach to change avoids the opposites of naïve romanticism and enabling behavior.

  Thought for prayer: Thank God, first, for the unique wisdom of the Scriptures for understanding how people change, and, second, for the unique power of the gospel for effecting it. Then ask for both the wisdom and power of God to work in your marriage.

  July 30

  [“Compatibility” usually] means we are looking for a partner who accepts us just as we are. . . . The search for an ideal mate is a hopeless quest. . . . [T]his is a radically different approach. . . . If you don’t see your mate’s deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you’re not even in the game. But if you don’t get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren’t tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship. (Hardcover, pp. 122–23; paperback, p. 134)

  GROWTH AND THE GOSPEL. We might call the biblical approach “Marriage as a Vehicle for Sanctification,” the word “sanctification” meaning the process of becoming holy and Christlike (cf. 1 Thessalonians 4:3). It contrasts both with the attitude “Compatibility means don’t ask me to change,” or, at the other end of the spectrum, “You are a mess and you need me to save you.” The biblical way combines realism about our flaws with great hope for change through Christ’s means of grace. It recognizes that only Christ is savior, and your spouse is not. It is similar to the combined humility and confidence that the gospel brings when it tells you that, in Jesus, you are more sinful than you dared believe but more loved than you dared hope—at the same time.

  Reflection: Think of how the gospel of salvation by grace helps us be both very realistic and strongly hopeful about change at the same time.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you remember that you are not your spouse’s savior, nor are you the Spirit of God in your spouse’s life. Confess to God the specific ways you have tried to take those roles and put your spouse into God’s hands.

  July 31

  Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by-products of this process of sanctification, refinement, glorification. Those things are important, but they can’t keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life. What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse’s holiness . . . to his or her beauty . . . greatness and perfection . . . honesty and passion for the things of God. That’s your job as a spouse. Any lesser goal than that, any smaller purpose, and you’re just playing at being married. (Hardcover, p. 123; paperback, p. 135)

  RIGHT ORDER. A by-product is something created in the manufacture of something else. When Jesus says, “Blessed [happy] are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,” he is saying, “Happy are those who want something more than happiness, namely, righteousness.” Aim at loving God and you get happiness thrown in. Aim primarily at happiness and you will get neither. Now apply this principle to marriage. Commit yourself to your spouse’s good and growth into Christlikeness and you will also get romance, fun, and laughter thrown in. Aim primarily at the fun and romance, and you’ll get none of it.

  Reflection: C. S. Lewis wrote: “Aim at heaven and get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither.”88 Think of the many other areas of life in which this basic principle plays out.

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Matthew 6:33. Then ask God to show you what it means particularly for you to “seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness” so that all other things you need are added to your life.

  August 1

  Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.” (Matthew 18:21–23)

  NO LIMIT. Peter’s question implies that there is a point at which you could stop forgiving a recalcitrant person. Since “seven” was a symbol of completeness in the Hebrew Bible, Jesus’s answer means we must never stop forgiving. He tells a story of a king who forgave a servant a debt of “ten thousand talents.” Since a single talent was about ten years of wages, the amount meant something like our word “zillions.”89 Then that servant refused to forgive a fellow servant a small amount. The king angrily asked him, “Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you?” (verse 33). What God has forgiven us cannot be calculated and this can melt away our resentment toward anyone else. To the degree we grasp what he forgave us, we will be able to forgive others the infinitely smaller debts they owe us.

  Reflection: How does this illustration help us emotionally to forgive others?

  Prayer: Lord, how can I—who live only by your mercy—ever withhold mercy from someone who has wronged me? I have my resentments, but please shed the light of your infinite grace on them so I see them for the small-minded things they are. Help me forgive. Amen.

  August 2

  Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.” (Matthew 18:21–23)

  THE COST OF FORGIVENESS. Jesus’s parable helps motivate us to forgive, but it also helps us to understand what forgiveness is. To forgive someone a literal debt means you have to absorb it yourself. If you don’t forgive them, then they will have to pay it. If you do forgive, then you will bear the cost. This is also true in nonmonetary situations. When you are sinned against, you lose something—happiness, reputation, peace of mind, or an opportunity. If you don’t forgive, you hurt (or want to hurt) their happiness and peace. If you forgive, you bear what they did without payback. That will be painful, of course, and so we must not think forgiveness feels good. Forgiveness is a form of suffering. As Christ bore our sins in love for us without complaint, so we are to forgive one another (Ephesians 4:32).

  Reflection: What does this parable add to your understanding of forgiveness? How well do you do at forgiveness?

  Prayer: Father, make me glad to pay the price of forgiveness, so small compared to the sacrifice of your Son for me. Amen.

  August 3

  Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the
eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17–21)

  OVERCOMING EVIL—THE PRINCIPLE. The word “overcome” means to overpower or defeat. When we identify evil too closely with the evildoer, thinking that to destroy evil we must destroy the wrongdoer, we unwittingly become a pawn of the evil force that is behind the wrongdoer. If, instead, we show love to the wrongdoer, there are two results. First, the spread of evil is checked in us. Hatred and pride do not infect us. Second, the spread of evil may be checked in the wrongdoer. He or she may wake up to what they’ve done wrong (thus the “burning coals” metaphor). The hostile person may be filled with remorse through the experience of kindness. Thus Jesus overcame our evil with the goodness of his life and sacrifice.

  Reflection: Overcoming evil with good—have you seen this happen? Have you done this yourself? Discuss how to apply this principle to your marriage.

  Prayer: Lord, I used to think that if I forgave—if I merely refrained from payback when people wronged me—that was all I had to do. Now I see I must be positively good to them. This seems beyond me! Help me, God. Amen.

  August 4

  Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17–21)

  OVERCOMING EVIL—THE PRACTICE. We looked at the principle of overcoming evil, but what about the practice? First, don’t avoid the person. In marriage you can’t avoid your spouse physically, but you can shut down emotionally. Don’t think: “I won’t retaliate, but I don’t want to deal with them.” But that is retaliation, and verse 18 says that your part is to actively seek peace.90 Don’t be cold, hoping your spouse will ask, “What is wrong?” Second, it is not enough to move on (verse 19); you must express love in words and actions. (That does not mean being overly kind simply as a way of shaming them.) Verse 20 indicates that we should thoughtfully find ways to wish the person well and do helpful things and speak respectfully to them.

  Reflection: When your spouse does something you have asked him and her not to do time and time again and you become angry, do you respond with these practices? Discuss how to apply them to your marriage.

  Prayer: Lord, don’t let me hide behind all my self-justifying excuses like “They started it. Let them come to me.” Help me to see that, when our relationship is strained, it’s always my move. Amen.

  August 5

  Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17–21)

  OVERCOMING EVIL—THE POWER. The power for overcoming evil with good is in the gospel. When Paul tells us to think of the wrath of God (verse 19) he reminds us that all resentment and vengeance is taking on God’s role as judge. But (1) only God is qualified to judge (we are imperfect and deserve judgment ourselves); (2) only God knows enough to judge (we don’t know all about the offender, what he or she has faced and deserves); and (3) Jesus took the judgment of God. Christ died for us while we were his enemies (Romans 5:6–10). So don’t sit in God’s judgment seat. If we are to love even our enemies like this, how much more should we forgive and love our spouses, especially when we are angry at them?

  Reflection: Make a commitment to one another that, when the other person angers you, you will respond with the forgiveness of Matthew 19 and the love of Romans 12.

  Prayer: Lord, thank you for giving me such an array of truths that can melt my heart when it hardens toward my spouse. Help me discern the ones that affect and change me the most, and then may your Spirit use them to stir me up to love. Amen.

  August 6

  Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. . . . Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:14, 16)

  MUTUAL CONFESSION: 1. If Christians in general should be confessing their sins to one another, spouses should be as well—and we are not talking here just about sins against the other person. They should learn to admit their failures and sins to each other, praying for each other, and graciously representing God’s mercy to each other. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes: “He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. . . . The final break-through to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as devout people, they do not have fellowship as sinners.”91 Not to be able to confess sins to your spouse is also to be alone in your marriage.

  Reflection: Do you, in your marriage, have “fellowship with one another as sinners”? Discuss.

  Prayer: Lord, your Word constantly says that when we hide our sin we become sick and alone (Psalm 32:3–4). We confess that we don’t like showing our sins and flaws to each other. Humble our pride so we can confess and pray for each other, and be healed. Amen.

  August 7

  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

  MUTUAL CONFESSION: 2. Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes: “There are two dangers that a Christian community which practices confession must guard against. The first concerns the one who hears confessions. It is not a good thing for one person to be the confessor of all the others. . . . [T]his will give rise to . . . [the] spiritual domination of souls. . . . Every person should refrain from listening to confession who does not himself practice it. Only the person who has so humbled himself can hear a brother’s confession without harm. The second danger concerns the confessant [the one making the confession]. . . . [L]et him guard against ever making a pious work of his confession. Confession as a pious work is an invention of the devil. . . . We can confess solely for the sake of the promise of absolution. Confession as a routine duty is spiritual death.”92

  Reflection: Put these two dangers in your own words. Which of them are dangers to you? Apply these insights to your own marriage.

  Prayer: Lord, don’t let us as a couple fall into the pattern of one of us always being the confessing party and the other being the one who gives out the absolution. Lead us to a true mutuality in this ministry to each other. Amen.

  August 8

  Paul is urging spouses to help their mates love Jesus more than them. . . . Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to be patient, faithful, tender, and open with my wife when things are not going well in life or in the relationship. And the more joy I get from my relationship with Christ, the more I can share that joy with my wife and family. (Hardcover, p. 124; paperback, p. 135)

  LOVE SECOND TO LOVE WELL. If the main love of my life is my wife—if she is the person whose approval, affection, and affirmation is most valuable to me—then I will crush her with my expectations. I’ll need her to always be loving me, never absorbed by her own problems or having a bad day, never sick or depressed and so unable t
o give me what I need. And I will be so devastated or angered by her criticism that I will make her wish she had never given it. If instead it is God’s love that is my highest joy and deepest foundation, I will have the resources to love my wife when she is in need. Only if I love Jesus more than my spouse will I love my spouse well.

  Reflection: Think of other ways that we will be unable to love our spouse well if we don’t love Jesus more.

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to open your eyes to see the specific ways that you have been blaming your spouse for failing to give you things only the Lord can give.

  August 9

  If singles accepted this principle, it would drastically change the way people seek a marriage partner in our day. It is typical for a single person to walk into a room and see a number of people of the opposite sex and immediately begin to screen them, not for companionship but for attractiveness. . . . The problem is many of your best prospects for friendship were likely among those you ruled out because they were too tall or too short, too fat or too skinny. (Hardcover, p. 125; paperback, p. 137)

  THE FILTERS: 1. A spouse is a romantic lover, an economic partner, and a co-parent. When a single person in our culture looks for someone to marry, these roles are preeminent in their minds. Therefore, looks and financial capacity tend to be the standards for assessment. They are like two filters by which many candidates of stellar character—but who are ordinary in the physical and financial categories—are screened out. However, if we realize that spiritual friendship is at the core of marriage, and is the thing that sustains us through the ups and downs of the other roles and pursuits, it will give us a new set of eyes to see great potential in people who otherwise would be virtually invisible to us.