The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  STRONG HELP. To be any kind of a helper—an ’ezer—a wife must bring all her gifts and abilities to bear on the problems and issues she and her husband face together. You are not a helper if you withhold wise counsel, even rebuke, when it is meant to inform and correct a decision. I (Kathy) have found through the decades that Tim appreciates my vigorous input, but I must also know when I have said all that can be said and it is time to allow him to make the choice. Let no one forget that I was the one who strongly opposed our move to New York City to start a new ministry! But in supporting Tim in making a decision he knew I dreaded, our family and many other people were blessed.

  Reflection: Do stalemates in which the husband must make the final choice occur routinely or rarely in your marriage? Why? And remember that sometimes the debate resolves with the husband deferring to the wife’s desires, as a way to serve her.

  Thought for prayer: Pray for the wisdom to know when—in the good debates and contentions you will have—you should stop pushing your point of view.

  October 20

  Both women and men get to “play the Jesus role” in marriage—Jesus in his sacrificial authority, Jesus in his sacrificial submission. By accepting our gender roles, and operating within them, we are able to demonstrate to the world concepts that are so counterintuitive as to be completely unintelligible unless they are lived out by men and women in Christian marriages. (Hardcover, p. 179; paperback, pp. 201–2)

  THE CHARACTER OF GOD. “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so . . . he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him” (John 13:3–5). That could be paraphrased: “Because I am the all-powerful God, I wash your feet as your servant.” Jesus humbling and self-giving was not an exception but an expression of the character of God. Then he added: “I have given you an example, so that you may do as I did” (verse 15). Jesus was emphasizing, on the eve of his arrest, torture, and death, that power is to be used for servanthood, and that submission reveals glory. Here both husbands and wives have their model and power to fulfill it.

  Reflection: Husbands, use the example of Jesus as the basis for you to serve those over whom you have authority, even to death. Wives, act as ’ezer-helpers with the knowledge of your identity in Christ.

  Thought for prayer: Praise God for the mystery of his glory, that it is because he is God, and because he has all authority, that he gives up power to serve. Then ask him to let this same kind of love and glory characterize your marriage.

  October 21

  Since God called woman specifically to be a “helper” suited for her husband, it would be strange if he did not endow both men and women with distinguishable abilities to better fulfill their distinguishable calls. The most obvious are physical characteristics that enable women to bear and nurture children, but more subtle emotional and psychological endowments would be natural accompaniments to those physical differences, albeit on a spectrum. (Hardcover, p. 179; paperback, p. 202)

  FORM AND FREEDOM. The Bible lays down the roles of headship and submission in marriage, using Jesus as a model for both. But then it does not provide a specific list of jobs, chores, or employment for husbands and wives in all times and all places. We have here “form yet freedom.” There are unchangeable commands, but freedom within that framework to express our obedience in ways that are culturally intelligible and personally appropriate. It is not a case of “that was then, this is now.” What the Bible says, we follow in all times and places (allowing for the progress of redemptive history, i.e., the things Jesus has fulfilled, such as the sacrificial system). But the Bible offers enough flexibility so in every century and culture we can find ways to obey whatever is clearly commanded in Scripture.

  Reflection: Men, do your personality traits gravitate toward or away from traditional masculinity? How does studying Jesus refine for you what “masculine” means? Women, what do you think of when you encounter the word “feminine”? Is your definition informed by stereotypes or by Scripture?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for the consummate wisdom of his Word, that it is always relevant, never dated, always applicable, a solid foundation for life in any time.

  October 22

  Using all the qualifiers in the world, in general, as a whole and across the spectrum, men have a gift of independence, a “sending” gift. They look outward. They initiate. Under sin, these traits can become either an alpha male individualism, if this capacity is turned into an idol, or dependence, if the calling is utterly rejected and the opposite embraced in rebellion. The first sin is hypermasculinity, while the second sin is a rejection of masculinity. (Hardcover, p. 180; paperback, p. 203)

  REFUSING GOD’S GIFTS: 1. Rejecting God’s gift of gender can be done in many ways. There can be outright denial of the truth that God made human beings two binary genders. There can also be subcultures that exaggerate God’s good gift into hypermasculininty or hyperfemininity, which many people rightly feel to be like a straitjacket. All of these depart from God’s intention of making us “in his image” (Genesis 1:27), “like-opposite,” male and female persons. While sin has twisted and contaminated the content of what it means to live together as male and female people, we cannot walk away from being made in God’s image any more than we can decide to grow a third eye or sprout wings.

  Reflection: Men, have you adopted an understanding of your biological sex and gender that is nonbiblical? In what ways? Women, have you been molded by the world’s expectations of behavior and thought, rather than God’s? In what ways?

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for the freedom you have in the gospel not to be constrained by rigid gender stereotypes. But ask God to show you the particular ways in which he has called you to be a man or a woman.

  October 23

  Using all the qualifiers in the world, on the whole and across the spectrum, women have a gift of interdependence, a “receiving” gift. They are inwardly perceptive. They nurture. Under sin, these traits can become either a clinging dependence, if attachment is turned into an idol, or individualism, if the calling is utterly rejected and the opposite embraced in rebellion. The first sin is hyperfemininity, while the second sin is a rejection of femininity. (Hardcover, p. 180; paperback, pp. 203–4)

  REFUSING GOD’S GIFTS: 2. When God created humanity in two genders he pronounced it very good (Genesis 1:28, 31). Today there are some who, contradicting God, argue that the binary of male and female is bad or at least incomplete. Because our world is broken, “groaning” under the effects of human sin (Romans 8:20–22), it should not be a surprise to believers that humans are sometimes born with physical and mental conditions that don’t fit with God’s original design. After all, death itself was not part of God’s world. However, it is not a good argument to say that exceptions disprove the existence of the rule. We help with all compassion those who do not feel they “fit,” but it does not help them or us to deny that the two genders are a wonderful gift of God.

  Reflection: Men, looking at Jesus, what ways can you think of to change the way in which you have been using your gendered gifts? Women, looking at Jesus, what ways can you think of to change the way in which you have been using your gendered gifts?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you as Christians to steer the “middle course” in our culture between those who see gender in stereotypes and those who see the idea of two genders as oppressive. Look to Jesus to model this middle course for your marriage.

  October 24

  [O]ur sinful drive for self-justification often leads us to despise those who think, feel, and behave differently than we do. Personal, racial, and class pride naturally grow out of the human heart’s alienation from God and therefore our need to prove ourselves and win an identity based on our specialness, superiority, and performance. One of the main places where “exclus
ion of the Other” happens is between the sexes. Loving someone of the other sex is hard. (Hardcover, p. 181; paperback, pp. 204–5)

  REFUSING GOD’S GIFTS: 3. The diverse gendered giftedness of men and women has often become a source of scorn and mocking, even oppression and violence. The Other is not our completion, but our competition. Indeed, when Genesis 3:16 describes the results of sin, of women “desiring” the man and the man “ruling over” the woman, the likely meaning is that both are trying to dominate and control the other, though using different ways of manipulation.123 Since our gendered humanity is one of the ways we most closely mirror the image of God, this harms not only we ourselves as individuals, but also those close to us, and the world at large.

  Reflection: Men, are there ways in which you mentally demean or physically treat women as made less in God’s image than yourself? Women, are there ways in which you nurture anger and plot revenge against men for their failure to appreciate your equality?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to forgive you for the ways in which you struggle with your spouse for power in the marriage, rather than deferring to and serving each other. Ask him for the wisdom to discern these hidden power plays in the future.

  October 25

  However, this is where the Christian understanding of marriage comes in. Marriage, in the biblical view, addresses the chasm between the sexes. Marriage is a full embrace of the other sex. We accept and yet struggle with the gendered “otherness” of our spouse, and in the process, we grow and flourish in ways otherwise impossible. Because, as Genesis says, male and female are “like-opposite” each other—both radically different and yet incomplete without each other. (Hardcover, p. 182; paperback, p. 205)

  GENDER BLAMING. A marriage will inevitably have hurt feelings, anger, resentment, and conflicts. Sometimes we respond by saying we married the wrong person, but another way to respond is to conclude we are married to the wrong gender. That is, some blame the conflict on the alienation we often feel from the other gender and they seek refuge with someone of their own sex. But this reasoning is mistaken. In general, the fights within marriage are due to you both being sinners. The proof of this is that they will continue, no matter who else you turn to. With the tools of repentance and forgiveness, the Holy Spirit can use a marriage as a primary setting for healing our alienations.

  Reflection: Men, have you identified the places that your wife is hurt? How have you sacrificed to bring healing to her? Women, can you see your husband’s needs before he can himself? Do you use that knowledge to criticize and belittle, or to minister to him?

  Thought for prayer: Pray to God first that you have enough love and wisdom not to grieve your spouse. Then pray that, when you do, you both will have the grace to reconcile and become stronger through the hurt.

  October 26

  But God’s plan for married couples involves embracing the otherness to make us unified, and that can only happen between a man and a woman. Even at the atomic level, all the universe is held together by the attraction of positive and negative forces. The embrace of the Other, as it turns out, really is what makes the world go around. (Hardcover, p. 182; paperback, pp. 205–6)

  GENDER BLESSING. The world is built to a great extent on paired polarities. There are protons and electrons, carrying positive and negative electric charges that run from the atomic level to the interstellar magnetic field. There is light and darkness, heat and cold. Some religions have even enshrined these polarities as yin and yang. On the biological level sperm and egg, pollen and ovule, account for the vast majority of complex reproduction. Only with this uniting of difference—of what only male and female can produce together—has God bestowed the blessing of the creation of new human life. Written both small and large is God’s vision for the embrace of the Other, the most glorious example of which is his holy embrace of his people, his Bride.

  Reflection: Married couples, have you ever thought of your sexual union as a sacred witness to God’s final plan for the universe? Would it change the way you embrace your spouse if you did? Would there be more joy, more freedom, more kindness, more sacrifice?

  Thought for prayer: Together, answer the questions in the Reflection section above, and when you are done, sit before God in wonder at how sex participates in his plan. Praise and thank him for it.

  October 27

  It is not simply that the other gender is different; it’s that his or her differences make no sense. And once we come up against this wall of incomprehensibility, the sin in our heart tends to respond by assigning moral significance to what is simply a deep temperamental difference. . . . Husbands and wives grow distant from one another because they allow themselves to engage in a constant, daily drumbeat of thoughts of inner disdain for the gendered difference of their spouse. (Hardcover, pp. 182–83; paperback, p. 206)

  GENDER DISDAIN. One of the ways we justify ourselves is to bolster our self-esteem by disdaining people who are different. So more punctual people despise those who are less so as “irresponsible.” More talkative people dismiss quieter folks as unfriendly. We do the same thing with gender differences. When men or women are with their own sex, they often mock the other gender even though the differences are just that—different. Such a moralizing, self-justifying approach to gender can be toxic in marriage, make real friendship with your spouse hard, and make the raising of children a minefield. Be humble instead.

  Reflection: Husbands, make a list of the things about women that you have mocked in the past. Wives, make the same list about men. Share the lists and, if possible, explain your gender a bit more to your spouse.

  Thought for prayer: Confess to God the ways typical to you in which you build yourself up by criticizing and disdaining other persons or types of persons.

  October 28

  Christ embraced the ultimate “Other”—sinful humanity. He didn’t exclude us . . . [but] embraced us by dying on the cross for our sins. To love the Other, especially an Other . . . means sometimes experiencing betrayal, rejection, and attacks. The easiest thing is to leave. But Jesus did not do that. . . . Knowing this kind of gracious, sin-covering love gives believers in the gospel of Christ the basis for an identity that does not need superiority and exclusion to form itself. (Hardcover, pp. 183–84; paperback, p. 207)

  ATTACKS. The quote from The Meaning of Marriage above, if taken in isolation, could be read as counsel that one remain in a marriage even when there has been physical or sexual abuse. Physical abuse and rape in marriage are not only sins, which must be confronted (Matthew 18: 15–17), but they are also crimes (Romans 13:1–5), and Christians are called to submit to the governing authorities. So do not acquiesce in this kind of abuse. Having said that, our culture has lowered the bar to include as a reason for leaving a relationship many things that are not wrong or dangerous, but merely the clashes and struggles that sinners experience when living in close community. Marriage needs deep and abiding commitment that “covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

  Reflection: In your marriage, do you cover over your spouse’s unthinking sinfulness, or is everything an occasion for an argument?

  Thought for prayer: Pray for the wisdom—both for you in your marriage and friends in their marriages—to know the difference between crimes that must be confronted and reported and clashes that must be resolved through repentance and forgiveness.

  October 29

  This has nothing to do with who brings home the biggest salary or makes the most sacrifices to care for the children. . . . The external details of a family’s division of labor may be worked out differently across marriages and societies. But the tender, serving authority of a husband’s headship and the strong, gracious gift of a wife’s submission restore us to who we were meant to be at creation. (Hardcover, p. 184; paperback, p. 208)

  THE WONDER OF GENDER. The awesome mystery of God’s love for us is beyond our wildest imagination. We can only resort to m
etaphor and symbolism, and the one most frequently chosen by God himself is that of gender—the union of husband and wife. God is the tender loving Bridegroom, Husband, and Lover of our Souls; we, the church, are his Bride, for whom he will die, and has died, to save. With that as our template, Christian marriages can enact an allegory of God’s love for his people by “playing the roles” of servant-leader husband and joyfully submissive wife. In the words of Eowyn Stoddard, the Church is the Second Adam’s (Jesus’s) Second Eve, meant to bear his fruit into the world.

  Reflection: Is this language of metaphor and allegory any earthly, practical good? Does it have any concrete, daily-life implications for how you conduct your marriage?

  Thought for prayer: Remember that when we have been the recipient of great help or of a great gift from someone, there is a desire to imitate it. Ask God to show you how you can imitate his spousal love for you in your marriage.

  October 30

  [Y]ou have to find a very safe place to practice headship and submission. I say this because I am not unaware of God’s warning that sin will lead men to try to dominate women. . . . Therefore it is crucial that women who want to accept gender-differentiated roles within marriage find a husband who will truly be a servant-leader to match her as a strong helper. (Hardcover, pp. 184–85; paperback, p. 208)